EPISODE 103 – Honor

"Whoa! Look what Daryl made!" Sive marvels.

It's a small hand-made baby swing where they sit Arley and gently sway him back and forth, eliciting a rare content smile from both the wee child and my stupid hunter. I can't even pretend to be mad that he's left if he's doing things like that.

He's all sheepish and rueful as I come nearer. Except, we still don't know what to say to each other. Murphy is the one that welcomes him freely, claps his back, all happy and faultless.

"Hey! Are ye coming back from the Kingdom? How are things down there?"

So, he gives us news of our friends as if he'd gone on a courtesy trip instead of run away from everything for a while. They're still licking their wounds up there, after the attack, but they're moving forward.

When he senses that Daryl doesn't want to leave Arley's side, my dear Murphy takes the products of his hunt so he can get it to the kitchens. That's when Connor decides to check if there's any bad blood left between them.

"Welcome back, lad. I'm glad to see ye."

Daryl takes the hand that's extended to him without hesitation and nods mindfully. That's all it takes to bring a small smile back to both their faces.

The night falls soon, and when Daryl wants to give Arley back to me, our son's little hand doesn't unclench from his father's vest.

"I guess he's happy to see ye as well," I tell him while my heart swells at the sight. Especially when Daryl's expression softens, unable to hide his delight.

"Is that okay if I keep him with me tonight?"

"Of course."

It's the first night I'd spend without my baby, but I answered that without a beat. And the beaming smile I get for it is worth every sacrifice. He doesn't let go of his child for the rest of the evening, even as he goes to greet Rick, Michonne, and the others.

Then I can spend one whole night with both Murphy and Connor before they leave for the Hilltop.

They take their sweet time with me, making me forget every single thought that was weighing on my mind with their soft touches as I writhe and whimper on the sheets the whole night long. Until we see the dawn rising through the closed curtains.

We keep our goodbyes light in the morning. Maybe because I'm still lost in the haze of my afterglow, but I'm feeling trustful in whatever the future holds for us. No need to make a fuss about them leaving; they'll be back in no time, and I'll be right there waiting.

The only thing I'm being nervous about is how I'm going to mend things with Daryl. I feel farther from him than I've ever been.

Thankfully, we're linked now, for life, by the little bundle of joy that is Arley. So, we find ourselves alone together, more often than not, whether he wants to or not.

Especially since Sive is old enough to prefer spending time with her friends than with her decrepit old ma. Apparently, I am 'no fun' any more. And she's not even a teenager yet. It's often unnerving, to not know where she is at all time, but I trust that she's prudent and can handle herself. Plus, just like I can't have the twins constantly holding my hand every step of the way, I can't cling onto her, forever fearing the worst.

Still, as I walk Arley around our village, because, just like his father, that baby can't stand to remain inside for too long, I check on her from afar before making my way back to our house.

"Is it me or does he get heavier by the day?" I whine to Daryl with a smile, when I join him on the porch. He quickly snuffs out his little cigarillo to welcome me and the fussing babe. I swear, this kid can't wait to walk by himself already. He wriggles so much it's like he wants to be left on the ground. Although I know from experience that if I lay him on the floor he'll only get frustrated because he's not even able to roll around yet.

"Here, look what Carol gave me." Daryl walks inside to retrieve a long piece of fabric that would look like a scarf but made for a giant. "I didn't think we'd need it already."

I frown in confusion, looking at the contraption.

"Let me show ya," he softly mutters.

And before I can mentally prepare myself for his proximity, he's right there in my personal space. He wraps the cloth around my waist, leaning in so close that I'm suddenly surrounded by his smell. I inhale sharply then stop breathing.

I don't know if he notices, but he acts as if he didn't. He's all focus on putting the scarf on right. Here above my shoulder, where his fingers inadvertently graze my skin. There around my hip again and both his arms circle my stomach in an almost embrace so he can pass both ends behind me. Then, he goes to tie them up in a knot on the small of my back.

My heart is beating too fast. My breath is too shallow. And I'm pretty sure my cheeks are red as a beetroot. I can feel the heat emanating from my body. This is ridiculous. I feel like a fucking virgin maiden being touched by a man for the first time. All the while holding our son against my chest.

When he's done, Arley is well tucked against me, and I realise I can let go of him, with his weight now evenly distributed on my shoulders and waist.

"That good?" he asks dutifully.

I must clear my throat before I can reply: "Perfect…"

His hand comes to caress the light ginger hair of his son who has magically calmed down, snuggling against me. And the baby puts his thumb in his mouth for the first time. We shoot excited glances at each other, with awed smiles.

"Neither of the girls has ever done that…" I whisper, marvelling at the sight.

"I did…"

My eyes widen in surprise at this admission and try in vain to swallow my growing grin.

"Shit, don't tell anyone."

"I won't! I promise," I quickly reassure him, although I'd want to shout it on the streets for how much it makes me happy. "How old were ye when ye stopped?" I guess I still want to be able to tease him about it, though.

"Pretty young. Merle kept kicking it out of my mouth anyway. Said people would make fun of me. Except he was the only one who did."

Okay, maybe I won't tease him then.

"Then, I think I was four, my dad decided it was over and he stepped on my hand so I'd stopped. Broke my thumb. I had to wear a cast for a few weeks, so, yeah, I was done."

"Fuck, Daryl, I'm sorry…"

I hate that he shrugs as if it wasn't a big deal. Although his eyes don't leave his son's blissful little face, and I know he's thinking about how different he'll deal with the matter.

"The good thing is," I tentatively try to lighten the mood, "at least we know we can't do worse than our own parents. So, no pressure."

He snorts at that, so I guess I'm not doing too bad. Only, too quickly I witness his expression hardens with some dark thoughts that invade his cryptic mind. And he turns away from me, withdrawing once again.

"Come on, I've cooked some stuff I brought back from the Kingdom that we don't have here," he then mumbles, walking in the house.

"How did ye find Carol, by the way?" I ask while helping myself to some bread with a weirdly coloured spread on it that she definitely made.

"She's good. She even seemed happy despite everything. Her and Ezekiel have adopted a kid. She still had enough energy to tear me a new one, so, she's good."

"What? Why?"

"Cuz I… I told her I thought about leaving, ya know…"

My heart stops beating completely. "Leaving? …Ye mean-… for good?" I can't have understood that right.

"I just thought-… I'm no good for ya. All I did was bring ya harm, put ya in more danger. And a kid… I mean- I thought it was better to go as far as I could."

"Daryl, how could ye think that…" I can't even hold back the tears that suddenly fall from my eyes.

And his own voice breaks as he continues: "I thought- if I wasn't around, at least he wouldn't turn out like me…"

"Ye can't be serious…"

For the first time since we began to talk, he raises his head to look at me. And his eyes are overflowed with a raw emotion that I can't even try to put into words. I'm utterly speechless at the worse possible time.

"Shit, Red, I never thought I'd have a kid of my own. I never even wanted one before ya came along! And, what, ya went and told me I'd make a good dad. Hell, ya made me believe it! And then I hated ya for making me want it! But… When I thought- I thought ya were pregnant with Negan's kid. Still, I kept thinking that I would kill that motherfucker and raise the kid as my own anyway! So I shouldn't have been that scared when ya told me he was mine. But, fuck… That's not the same! To think he's gonna grow up to look like me! That's fucked up."

I'm left in shock at this confession for a moment, and I stare at him, dumbfounded. He turns away toward the kitchen, but he can't even pretend to busy himself, and his shoulders slump as he takes a hold of the counter for support.

"Daryl… If that kid grows up to be even remotely like ye, I'd be the proudest mother on earth."

He dryly snorts without even turning back and I know he doesn't believe a word I say. That or he doesn't care.

"Listen, I think that's the problem with growing up as ye and I have: we think that, whatever we do, we're going to be punished. Because that's what used to happen! They made us believe we were the ones that had to do better! So now, we still think that each single little mistake we make is the reason for every bad thing that happens! We think that there will always be someone or something to beat us down, at every turn! But that's not true! And I think we did pretty fucking good!"

"Yeah right…"

"Fuck ye! We may have made some stupid choices, but we're here, aren't we? Ye know how slim our chances were? We could have died a thousand times, but we've been smart, we've been patient, we've looked out for each other the only way we could!"

"Ya shoulda left the moment he said ya could." His voice is barely above a murmur, but I instantly know what he's talking about. About Negan's fucking blackmail.

"He would've made ye pay…"

"So? He coulda killed me for all I care! It woulda been better than seeing ya-…"

"Stop! Okay? Just stop it. If the alternative was having ye killed, well then I wouldn't change a thing of all that's happened. If that's what it had to take, then I'm glad I did what I did. It was worth it. And I don't care what anyone thinks any more; I think it was brave and I won't apologise for it!"

He finally turns to face me, and I'm bracing myself for his argument.

"Of course not. Fuck, Red, I just wished ya didn't have to-…"

"Aye, I wished that too. And I wished he didn't beat ye up just to get back at me. I wished I could have gone through at least one fucking pregnancy that wasn't a nightmare. I wished a lot of things had gone differently. But that's pretty pointless now, isn't it? It's done. Time to move on." I assert, trying to put an end to that particular subject.

He doesn't answer; however, with the way he's watching Arley, who has fallen asleep inside the scarf despite our arguing, I figure he's ready to move on as well.

"Now, we have that little one to care for," I push because I'm not quite done yet.

And I can see the fear creep back up into Daryl's eyes.

"C'mere, Daryl, I won't tell ye we're going to be perfect parents. I know I'm not! With the examples we've had, we pretty much have to make it up as we go. Ye don't think I'm scared as well? Ye don't think I've fucked up with Sive more often than not? Fuck, I got Aíne killed, ye can't fuck up more than that... But that's the thing with being a parent, the only way ye truly fail is when ye stop trying to do better. We just need to use what we've learned, and hold his hand through it all until it's time to let him walk by himself. That's all there is to it."

He remains silent, but I can see that I'm getting through to him, that he's starting to settle down.

"But ye have to promise me ye won't leave. I mean, I know ye need time for yerself; ye need to get out of here sometimes and unwind; I get it, and that's perfectly fine. But ye need to promise me ye'll always come back; I need to be able to be completely confident that ye won't forsake us. 'Cause I trusted ye! And I need to trust ye! So, if I can't, ye need to tell me now. Because I won't live with that fear. I'm done with being afraid!

I'm ranting and crying now, losing control of my emotions, my body shaking so much I'm going to wake my baby up, and that is if my knees don't yield under me first.

"I've been fucking scared all my life! Of my father, my brother, the fucking nuns, the cops! I've been scared of having lost Connor and Murphy for so long. I've been scared of losing ye! I've been scared for my daughters, for Arley! I can't. I'm done! I-"

His arms suddenly wrap around me. I didn't even see him come close and I'm stumped. He's never hugged me like that. So fowardly. Without me making the first move. He's gentle and careful too, because our son is nestled between us. My forehead automatically falls in the crook of his neck. Finally engulfed in his scent. His warmth. I feel like my heart is starting back up for the first time since we this conversation started.

His voice is soft and calm as he finally tells me: "Come on, Red… I was never gonna leave. I just needed someone to kick my ass for even thinkin' it."

I silently thank God for Carol, who was there to knock some sense into him. And I remember to hug him back, taking a deep calm breath that was so needed I feel dizzy.

In truth, I'm exhausted. The tension finally escaping my body is leaving me weak. Night has fallen outside while we were talking – or while I was raving, mostly. So, I'm ready to call it a night.

"Will ye stay with me?" I ask a little timidly.

"Yeah, sure."

I still have to make sure Sive has eaten and is ready for bed, while Daryl changes Arley's diaper and puts him back to sleep in his crib with a bottle of milk.

Then, after we've watched the baby sleep for a moment like the soppy parents we apparently both are, I take his hand and pull him with me. I want to make sure he won't go to rest on the chair in the corner of the room like he has since we're back.

He's hesitant, but I simply lie under the cover, with my pyjamas on, and gesture for him to do the same beside me. Nothing really sexy about that. I just need to know he's close.

We remain in silence for a long time, without either of us managing to fall asleep. Then, he suddenly takes it upon himself to scoot closer. He takes my arm and tugs at me so I have to roll and end up with my hand laying on his chest. I curl up against him. Safe and content.

I love that he didn't ask, didn't shy away from what he wanted, and simply knew I needed it as well.

We're finally finding our way through to each other again.