A/N: This story is inspired by a dream I had but it's probably also subconsciously inspired by the Darker than Black Anime (even if I disliked the ending). One scene in this chapter is almost word for word taken from my dream but I'm not going to spoil my own fic here.
TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains self-mutilation, suicide, themes of abuse and such. I don't think it's as bad as my previous work but I still think it's worth bringing up. Also, I wrote smut. I wouldn't be surprised if you all will think I'm a girl.
OBLIGATORY MENTION: English is not my first language and I have a difficult time keeping British English and American English apart. So I apologize in advance. I also don't really like romance most of the time and I'm apparently crazy enough to write it anyway. I also didn't read through this as many times as I probably should have.
Will be trying to post on Mondays. The fic is finished by the time I'm posting this so keeping up with that schedule shouldn't be too difficult.
Chapter 1. J.B.
This routine of theirs was definitely so embedded into their heads that it could technically count as something instinctual, a second nature if you will. Fifteen to twenty young men, no, boys, were seated around a large oval-shaped table. They were clothed in white pants held up by grey belts, long grey boots, and white oversized t-shirts neatly tucked into the pants. The clothes had the same color scheme as the room (and pretty much the same as the whole building). Only one boy had a slight division in his clothing today, Kaoru, who wore shorts of course. Not something he would have preferred considers how cold the room was today.
Every boy had a glass with a white, almost translucent, liquid in it. Kaoru noted that his drink looked slightly whiter than the other's, but that wasn't really important. The only person in the room without a glass was the older gentleman who sat in front of Kaoru and his twin brother. The man didn't have the same job as the others. The man was above them, their superior. He was only there to make sure that everyone drank their drinks and that everyone understood what they were supposed to do after that. Quite a useless man when you think about it. People in his position always talk about how soldiers are expendable, which is true to a certain extent, but not everyone has the physical or mental capacity to be a soldier. However, almost everyone could give orders as long as you have a brain, but men like him liked to forget about that.
The man, Grim Hendersen, let his eyes wander around to look at everyone around the table. His eyes stopped briefly on Jiro, a nervous-looking boy who had his eyes fixated on his drink like he thought it was going to kill him. This kind of nervosity didn't come from a man who hadn't done this before. On the contrary, Jiro had been doing this for many years. It didn't get easier for everyone with time, for many it got worse. So much worse. Kaoru's brother, Hikaru, once asked Kaoru how long he thought it would take for Jiro to break. Hikaru immediately regretted the question of course; realizing the effect it had on Kaoru, but it was too late for damage control.
"Does anyone need me to go over something again?" Hendersen asked. "Remember boys: no shame in asking again, but a lot of shame if you fuck up because you didn't ask".
No one said a word. Kaoru really hoped that it was because everyone was up to date and not because no one was too afraid to admit that they didn't understand their mission. Some of the boys hadn't done this for that long and might not have realized how severe messing up was there.
Hendersen smiled. "Then I can gladly say that any fuck up is your own fault and you will personally experience the consequences of making them". Silence, again. "Good. Drink up boys. Make sure to get every last drop and then hurry back to your rooms". He had eye contact with Kaoru for a brief second and Kaoru didn't know wherever to give him a sheepish smile or an apologetic one.
He didn't have time to decide before Hendersen looked back at the other boys: "Do well boys".
Kaoru wasn't really known for being quick when he was supposed to hurry to his and Hikaru's room.
Everyone grabbed their glasses and drank until there was nothing left. Some of them tried way too hard to get as much of the liquid as possible. It really wasn't that important to get it all. Their superiors probably just didn't want them to waste the serum. Hikaru snickered at the grossed out expression on Kaoru's face because of the taste and earned a knee in the moneymaker when he had put down his own glass.
"Don't fool around!" Hendersen almost roared at the twins and both of them answered:
"I'm sorry sir!" at the same time, albeit Hikaru's voice was a little more high pitched than usual.
Hendersen mumbled: "Those stupid twins" under his breath before dismissing the group.
Kaoru was too nauseous to be able to walk without assistance from his brother. They stopped outside of the meeting room so Kaoru could lean against the wall for a bit and rest his worried stomach.
Hikaru now looked a bit worried. "They didn't poison you, did they?" He asked in a half joking, half serious way.
"That would be counterproductive", Kaoru answered and clenched the fabric of his shirt on his stomach. "They just accidentally messed up the flavor for me again. I have to talk to them about that after the mission".
"After the mission? Won't this kind of ruin the mission? Because you're supposed to be as alert and sane as possible ?" Hikaru asked.
Kaoru shook his head. "This is already going away, I will be fine for the mission. This isn't a big deal Hikaru, stop acting like it is". Hikaru just looked at him without saying anything. "You don't need to wait for me. Go back to our room and I'll be there in a bit. Only my excuse will be valid if both of us don't make it in time. You would get in trouble".
Hikaru looked like he wanted to argue, but a stern look from Kaoru made him give that up before even opening his mouth.
"Are you sure that it's okay for me to leave?" Hikaru finally asked.
"Yes! Just go, I'll be fine", Kaoru exclaimed and Hikaru cooed at how adorable his brother was for trying to be bossy before finally leaving.
Kaoru closed his eyes and took several deep breaths while massaging his stomach. He didn't know why he reacted so strongly to certain tastes. He knew that most people could get nauseous from the food they didn't like, but so far he was the only one he knew who was like this.
When his stomach had settled down enough; he decided to finally, but slowly, walk to his and Hikaru's shared room. However, he realized that he should probably have gone sooner when his vision turned blurry for a few seconds before going clear again.
"Fuck, not again", he thought. He had to hurry up before the amount of time between his vision being blurry and going back to normal reduced.
He had once heard one doctor compared this to contractions, but Kaoru sure wasn't about to pop out a baby.
He tried to move faster, but his whole body felt way too heavy. Passing out on the floor again didn't sound that appealing, but his body wasn't working with him.
When he finally saw the door; his body couldn't keep up anymore and his eyes couldn't even stay open (or maybe they were open, but his vision disappeared). He collapsed into a pathetic heap on the floor. The last thing he felt was the pain in his head from it hitting the metallic floor before he lost consciousness.
...
He woke up in an old wooden bed in a rather small and unfamiliar room. It was very cold, which wasn't surprising considering how bare his legs were. Apparently, they didn't dress their subjects well enough here, maybe because someone was a pervert.
He noticed a full body mirror in the corner of his eye. It was pretty much the only piece of furniture in the room apart from an old dresser and the bed. So appearance was of importance, even above comfort.
Kaoru stood up; feeling like his limbs had grown longer. So this person was taller than him? He walked over to the mirror but couldn't see his face in it because of a giant smudge covering the top half of the mirror. He wasn't sure if that was actually dirt or if it was his own brain compensating for how little this person looked at themself... or herself. He was definitely in the body of a woman. Her skin was light, caucasian maybe. Her body was skinny, yet curvy. A lot of boys would definitely find her rather attractive. Kaoru couldn't see her hair so it was either non-existent or in a hairstyle that was too short for him to able to see in the mirror. She also had very inappropriate clothing for the temperature in the room; some sort of long sleeved leotard in a thick fabric. She had knee-high winter boots and gloves but this outfit was definitely for another purpose than being warm. Despite not being able to see her head, he could feel a helmet that was so tight that he got a headache from the pressure. Was it supposed to be this tight or didn't they have big enough helmets for her fat head? Maybe that was a little mean. Kaoru also noticed a sharper pain in his temples every time he moved his head in a certain way. Not the same kind of pain you got from pressure unless the pressure was very bad.
He was just about to lower himself to see if he could get to see how the girl looked when the door opened. An older man, dressed in clothing more appropriate for the weather, gave Kaoru a stern look.
"It's time to get to work, get up from your bed", he said. He took a few steps back and turned around. Kaoru knew that the only reason the man thought that he was still in bed was because the girl he now was laid in bed when this memory took place.
When you inhabit people's memories, you can move around in a way that the person in the memory originally didn't as long as the person had enough memories of the surroundings for you to do so. However, you had to be careful and actually do exactly as the person did in order to actually get the info of what they actually experienced. For example, if this girl will know some important intel, you will miss it if you don't go where she was when it happened. Luckily you can feel where she is supposed to go from her bodily memory. However, Kaoru's and the other boys' mission was to actually look around as much as possible. Finding out the name of the person you were in the memory was a good thing too, but not a necessity in this case. Kaoru knew that it was expected of him to find out though, so he was going to try to do that.
Kaoru left the mirror and walked out of his room. The man started to move and Kaoru followed.
"You are going to work with the tubes today, blonde", the man said. "Yes, we did say that you were too clumsy to work there, but we need someone to take over while Kaitlyn is battling her disease".
Kaoru couldn't imagine how anyone, let alone a girl dressed in a leotard, could get sick here. The man continued to talk:
"Yes we do have others, much better and suitable subjects than you, who can replace her but we decided to give you another chance". Kaoru didn't have to answer him, the man would still just talk like he did in the girl's memory regardless. "And if you show yourself worthless again, we have to really demote you".
"Pretty much kill her or worse", Kaoru thought.
They stopped in front of two large doors. "And it could be a shame to get rid of this", the man said and slapped Kaoru's rear. Kaoru felt his cheeks burn with anger and he wanted to tell the man off, but that would be pretty useless. The man opened the door with a key card and smirked at Kaoru before leaving.
"If I ever meet him I have to tell him that he technically molested a man", Kaoru said while rubbing his rear. "The man had fucking gorilla arms, holy shit".
He let his hands dangle at his sides and straightened his posture before walking further into the huge room. It looked like a mix between a lab and a factory. At least twenty scientists were doing their research at several desks against one of the walls at one end of the room, and a big machine that looked like it could belong in a fudge packing factory was at the other end of the room. Consider how blurry everything looked in the science end compared to the factory part, it wasn't hard to tell even without the bodily memory where to go. It kind of bummed him out because what the scientists were doing looked like way more useful information. Hopefully, he could still find something interesting with the tubes.
He walked over to the factory part of the room and saw seven people there, including another person with the same warm uniform as the man who brought him there. Among the ones who looked to be in the same position as him, he determined it to be four other girls and two boys. The boys' clothing wasn't that different from the girls'; their leotards just went down a little further (about mid thigh length). Maybe the person in charge just really had a fetish for legs no matter who they belonged to? Interesting, but probably not relevant information.
The man in the uniform walked over to Kaoru with an expression that made Kaoru fear that he was going to be sexually assaulted again.
"So you're here again, little girl?" It sounded like he had been smoking for quite a while. "You're gonna be a good girl and not drop tubes this time?"
"I might drop them on your head", Kaoru thought. Why did he have to be a girl if there were already boys here? Why does the universe want to make things harder for him all the time?
The man wrapped an arm around his waist, with his hand resting dangerously low on Kaoru's hip.
"That's a good girl. You just have to put those tubes in the freezer over there".
"Yeah, no. I'm going to check out the tubes more thoroughly and not do that shit", Kaoru thought.
The pervert squeezed Kaoru before leaving him to his own devices. Kaoru knew that he wasn't inhabiting someone important on this mission this time and it didn't sit well with him. Yes, some of the boys had to have less useful positions from time to time. Partly because you couldn't really choose a specific person when you hijack memories. You could only send a bunch of "memory jumpers" to a specific location. That's just how it worked. sometimes missions had to be re-done because no one got anything useful. It usually worked better that way because then you could remove all the people who had already had their memories probed (no, Kaoru didn't understand how that worked). However, it wasn't exactly fun to do this so Kaoru would rather not do it again if he absolutely didn't have to.
Kaoru walked over to the machine and saw a bunch of crates on a treadmill. Several tubes were lined up in the crates, labeled with names (probably DNA then). All names were blurry to some extent because the girl's lack of interest hadn't printed them very well in her memory. He could still read the labels closer to him while the ones further away were pretty much unreadable. It didn't help his headache in the least.
He quickly discovered one name that wasn't blurry at all, a girl's name; Joseline Broadly, probably the girl's name. Kaoru focused on it for a few seconds to make sure that it would be remembered before looking at the other tubes. He assumed wrong when he at first thought that only the tubes close to him were readable. Yes, that was correct on a general level, but a few names here and there were far more readable than others; Lee May, Victor Stevens, Hanna Young and Akem Black. He focuses on them too before deciding to have a look around. That plan was immediately interrupted as soon as he turned to his right. A massive blurry cloud that looked like it was filled with electricity stood in front of him; something that really wasn't supposed to be happening. It tried to talk to him, but its voice was too muffled for him to be able to tell what it was saying. The voice sounded awful like it was from a malfunctioning robot that needed to change batteries.
He was stricken with a headache way worse than the one he already had. It felt like someone was cracking his skull from the inside and the pain made him almost want to vomit. Was this really supposed to be happening? No something was definitely wrong.
He turned around, but it did nothing except make him not look at the cloud anymore. It became worse when his vision started to go from clear to blurry with barely any seconds in between. He wasn't supposed to leave yet, his body was definitely forcing him to go back.
"Come on! Not now, I've got things to do still! I can do this!" He yelled at no one. He tried to fight it, but it didn't take long for his vision to go black. The last thing he heard before losing consciousness was that someone was definitely yelling at the girl for dropping tubes again. She would probably not be alive for long if the threat wasn't just a scare tactic.
...
He woke up on the floor, back in his own body. His head was definitely in someone's lap and the person he was lying on had a heated conversation with another man who was leaning over him. He couldn't really tell who the people were, but he could tell that none of them was Hikaru because he would still be on the mission.
"He is awake!" Kaoru's human pillow exclaimed. The voice was familiar, but that didn't say much considering how many people he vaguely knew there.
"Good because that means that he is well, I guess", said the other man. "But it's very bad because it means that his fucking mission is incomplete!"
"Not necessarily! Look what he did when we were arguing!"
"Not arguing, discu-". The other man leaned down and put his fingers on Kaoru's leg. Kaoru hissed at the pain and the man retrieved his now bloody hand with a quiet apology.
Kaoru looked down at the place on his leg where the man had touched and he saw the letters "JB" carved into his skin among other, smaller, initials. He was still clutching his ring with the hidden blade in his hand. His vision was very blurry and he had a horrible headache, but he smiled. He hadn't completely failed at his mission, he could still go and report.
"G...Grimes", Kaoru mumbled. "G... Grimes... Grimes".
The men stopped talking. Kaoru hadn't even noticed that they started to argue again.
"Are you sure about that?" His human pillow didn't sound too pleased with that. "You're not in a very good shape, Kaoru". This person knew which twin was which, but again, that didn't tell Kaoru anything considering that everyone could tell at that moment that he was Kaoru.
"You heard the boy", The other man said; sounding pleased. "You can check that head of yours afterward". Kaoru felt hands under his arms and his upper body was lifted from the floor. "The longer we wait, the more likely is he to forget what the hell those letters on his thigh means. We, him and the ones who found him, will get crap for that. You know that".
The person on the floor sighed before standing up and grabbing Kaoru's legs to help to carry him.
"Let's go then", the person said; sounding defeated.
They carried Kaoru all the way to Grimes' office while trying to keep Kaoru awake. Grimes wasn't the highest ranked boss, but he was boss for everyone else at the base. He was Hendersen's superior as well as Kaoru's and he was the man who you had to take the information from the mission to. Apparently, he liked to make sure that he got all the information personally (thanks to prior incompetence).
One of the people carrying Kaoru knocked on the door and opened it when Grimes said that they could enter.
"What happened to him?" Grimes asked; more curious than worried since Kaoru had looked a lot worse.
"He passed out before entering his room, we assume", one of the people carrying him answered.
Kaoru couldn't bother to try to separate the two because he felt like shit.
"That happens, but he usually doesn't bleed. Maybe we should baby proof the hallway so the little one doesn't hurt his little head", said Grimes with a smirk.
That was a jab at both his height and his injury. He was a small man for his age and he was unfortunately not growing anymore. Grimes wasn't a psychopath, he wouldn't make fun of Kaoru if he knew the younger male was in genuine danger.
"The... the d-drink", Kaoru said; determined to not take the blame that wasn't his.
"Did they mess with that again? I work with idiots who don't know how to mix two liquids properly. Soon you don't have to take that drink anymore luckily. You two! Put Kaoru on the couch and go and get people from the hospital area", Grimes said and Kaoru was put down carefully on the couch before he and Grimes were the only ones in the room.
Grimes stood up from behind his desk and walked over to Kaoru. Kaoru whined when he was put in a sitting position, but the whine died out when a glass of water was put in his face and he was forced to drink. He drank eagerly but he did almost choke a couple of times.
"So", Grimes said and put down the glass on the table. "What do the letters on your leg mean? Did you get names?"
"Y... yes. Joseline Broadly... Lee May... Vi-victor S-stevens, Hanna Young and Akem Black", Kaoru answered and swallowed a couple of times to try to get rid of the gagging. It really felt like he was going to throw up, how fucking hard did he hit his head?
Kaoru could hear that Grimes was writing down something (his vision wasn't back yet).
"I assume you were the first one?" Grimes asked and Kaoru nodded. "Good. Can you promise me that you come to me if you have more to tell me later because I'm not sure that I can get much more from you right now?".
Kaoru forced himself to nod.
"Very well", Grimes said. "You're lucky that the med bay is here". After he said that; there was a knock on the door. "Come in and get him before he passes out again! We don't need brain damage on this one!"
"I feel so important that I'm referred to as 'this one'", Kaoru thought bitterly.
Hands, more gentle than Grimes', lifted him up from the couch and carried him out of the room. He was put on a stretcher and wheeled towards the hospital area... he assumed.
With only the echo of the headache left with two painkillers and a glass of water in his hands, Kaoru walked towards his room. He wasn't very happy because of how short and unsuccessful his mission was, but at least he wouldn't get the blame for it. He wasn't sure how fair that was considering that the drink being disgusting shouldn't ruin his mission because of the fact that he was literally out of his own body. However, Kaoru couldn't recall doing something wrong.
Kaoru walked towards the doors to his and Hikaru's room and they opened when he was close enough. He entered and saw his brother unconscious on his bed; he was still on his mission.
There wasn't much in their tiny room, just two beds on the opposite walls of each, two nightstands, a mirror, a door to a small bathroom that didn't have a bathtub, two chairs with a little table and a small desk. Kaoru looked at the notepad and pen on Hikaru's nightstand with jealousy as he lightly massaged the still sore part of his thigh. Some people in life were definitely handed better cards.
Kaoru put the pills in his mouth and swallowed them with half of the content of his glass before putting it down on his nightstand. Normally those kinds of meds would make you drowsy, but Kaoru had discovered a long time ago that he was rather resilient towards any medication that made him tired or sleepy. Hikaru was the same and it had its pros and cons for both of them.
Kaoru sat down on his bed and his thoughts immediately drifted towards a certain part of his mission that he had forgotten until now, that blurry thing that sent him right back to his body again. What was that? It couldn't have been a part of the girl's actual memory... maybe it was lack thereof instead? Like the girl couldn't actually recall who she talked to at that moment so his brain was trying to compensate like it might have done in the mirror? No, that didn't make sense. Kaoru had been through annoying "memory compensations" before and they never sent him back, they were just... you know, there. It usually wasn't important information or traumatic events because those were usually too important for the person, whose memories they infiltrate, to forget. If he hadn't been so out of it before he could have asked his superior about it and he wouldn't have been sitting there with all these thoughts in his head. He would have to ask about it later and try to not dwell on it too much now.
Hikaru groaned and Kaoru turned his attention to him. The other boy sat up, looking exhausted, and started to write things down on his notepad. Kaoru noted how much Hikaru wrote down and it made him feel jealous again. This time because of his own failures and unimportant mission.
Hikaru put down the pen and turned to Kaoru with a tired smile.
"I see you got back before me. That doesn't happen often", Hikaru commented and Kaoru debated whether to tell him that he passed out in the hallway again or to stay silent. "I guess I win this time, little brother". Hikaru looked way too smug for Kaoru's liking.
They had this game. A game of who had the longest mission. It was stupid and didn't use any skills or anything but chance really…. or Kaoru was more prone to long missions, so it wasn't really just by chance. Somehow Hikaru still wanted to play that game. Kaoru assumed that it was because Hikaru needed it for "sanity" reasons. Like he needed the game they had played since they were children to find a reason behind even the most pointless missions. It was quite harmless though so Kaoru didn't complain.
"I guess you won this time", Kaoru said, smiling back.
He decided to tell Hikaru that he hadn't reached their room on time, even if he didn't want Hikaru to feel like shit for leaving him behind. Mostly because Hikaru would find out anyway, either because their superiors would tell him or the word about it would finally reach him… or because he ought to see the bandage around his head anytime now.
Kaoru pointed at his head and said: "You did have an unfair advantage though".
Hikaru's smile disappeared. He stood up and walked over to Kaoru with a concerned look on his face. "You hurt yourself this time", He said quietly. He placed his hands on Kaoru's cheeks and maneuvered his head to take a closer look at him. The worry in his eyes really affected Kaoru, it always did.
"It's not that bad", Kaoru assured and winched when Hikaru accidentally touched his head wound. Hikaru quietly apologized and removed his hands. "I will be alright, just sore for a few days".
"I should have waited for you".
"You would have gotten in trouble. I am not getting shit for this either way, but you have to look out for yourself as well".
"You still got hurt".
"You and I both know that keeping me from getting hurt is futile", Kaoru said and the twins stared at each other silently for a few seconds.
Hikaru's eyes traveled down Kaoru's body until they landed on what he was looking for.
"I see there won't be any space left on your right thigh soon", he commented. He tried to not make it sound like he was worried. "I have started to wonder, Kaoru. What happens when there is no space left on your body?"
"Then I'll continue on my face", Kaoru answered as nonchalantly as he could and Hikaru didn't look too happy about that answer.
"And are you okay with that?" "Because I'm certainly not" was left unsaid.
Kaoru sighed and looked down at the ground. "It's not like I actually have a choice in the matter, do I?" He responded with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
He really didn't want to think about this until he really couldn't ignore it anymore.
Hikaru hesitated before asking his next question: "And what happens when you don't have any space on your face left?"
"We will get an answer to that when the time comes, won't we?" Kaoru said, a little more harsh than he had intended.
He hated having this conversation, he hated having to think about the future. Hikaru wouldn't understand, he wasn't in the same position and he wouldn't be any time soon.
The door to the twins' room opened and a man stepped in. Kaoru hadn't bothered to learn his name and he knew that Hikaru hadn't either.
"I'm here for your data", the tall man said with the same monotone voice as he always had. "Only from Hikaru this time?" He added and the shame in Kaoru's face told the man that the other twin was Hikaru so he turned to him.
Hikaru walked to the nightstand and picked up the notepad and gave it to the man.
"Here it is. But you know that Kaoru would have been just as useful as usual if he got the chance", Hikaru said sternly.
The man took the notepad and looked at Kaoru with a softer look.
"I know", he said quietly before leaving the room.
Hikaru looked at Kaoru with a raised eyebrow. "What was that about?"
"Relax brother", Kaoru said with a teasing smile. "I'm not close to him in any way. He might just feel sympathy or pity for me".
"I don't know", Hikaru said skeptically. "I don't like how he eyed you".
"You're overreacting".
"I recognize that look. So many people have eyed you like that before and it turned out that they wanted something special from you".
"They eye you the same way too", Kaoru said and pinched Hikaru's cheek. "We look the same, you and I. They just stop looking at you as soon as you open your mouth".
Kaoru walked over to his bed while Hikaru was rubbing his cheek and looking at Kaoru with a pout. Hikaru murmured something about that people would leave Kaoru alone if Kaoru actually tried to show that other people's advances weren't welcomed.
Kaoru lied down on his bed and closed his eyes.
"You're acting like they all want to force themselves on me. It's just looks, nothing more. We are just the closest to something female-resembling in this place".
"Not the best ego boost", Hikaru commented with a scrunched up face and sat down on his own bed.
"You wouldn't have complained if it was women instead who looked at us".
Hikaru had a goofy smile on his face. "Guilty as charged… I haven't seen a woman in so long though. You think I will ever get the chance with a girl? I doubt it, only in my dreams".
"I am very aware of those dreams of yours", Kaoru said and Hikaru looked sheepishly at the floor. "But we might not be useful forever, so you might find a girl when we're disposable".
"That could take until we're old farts", Hikaru whined. "Besides, do we know for sure what will happen to us when there is no more use of us?"
"Stop it, Hikaru. We're not getting killed, that's just a foolish rumor. Don't be silly", Kaoru chuckled. "Now go to bed. I'm tired and I can see that you're tired as well".
Hikaru smiled at him and lied down on his own bed. "You're right about that one", Hikaru yawned. "And you're probably right about the killing thing as well".
"I am right about that as well. Goodnight Hika".
"Night, Kao".
Hikaru once asked Kaoru why Kaoru did this even if there was an obvious answer, it felt great.
Kaoru moaned louder as the other, older, man thrusted harder into him. It always got rougher when he was desperate for release (which Kaoru really didn't complain about). Fingers were digging into his hips so hard that he could already feel the crescent moon indents forming and his body was pushed farther into the mattress every time the other man shoved himself inside of Kaoru so hard that Kaoru was sure that he would be able to feel him for the rest of the week.
It became harder for Kaoru to keep his hands on the bed frame above his head. He really wanted to either grip the sheet or, even better, his lover. However, that wasn't allowed so he wasn't going to do either of those things. These rules weren't in place because his friend(?) had a bondage kink, although it wouldn't be a surprise if he indeed loved tying up his toys. The man just didn't like to be touched… nor did he remember to touch others it seemed.
Kaoru slowly removed one hand from the bed frame to get himself off but had to put it back again when a hard thrust almost caused his head to collide with the hard surface. It was a miracle that he was even able to prevent the collision from happening because of how his vision turned white when the hard member inside of him hit just the right spot with brutal force.
"F-fuck!" Kaoru groaned and earned a smug look and a breathless chuckle.
It made Kaoru a little satisfied that he was giving his lover pleasure as well even though he always had to remain a pillow princess.
Again, Kaoru tried to slowly lower his hand towards his crotch (making sure that the other man didn't think that he was about to touch him instead). He wrapped his fingers around himself and tried to stroke at the same pace as the thrusts, but it became increasingly more difficult because of how much his smaller body moved while he was being manhandled.
The violent "assault" on his g-spot and the pressure on his dick made him come pretty quickly while the other man, with way more experience, could go on for a little longer. Kaoru's semen splattered all over his stomach and after a few more minutes, he felt the other man still inside of him as he also came. Kaoru knew all too well how delighted and smug the older man was by the fact that there were no condoms around. Both were clean anyway and doing it raw seemed more pleasurable (Kaoru assumed, it's not like he had ever tried it with protection).
The other man collapsed on top of Kaoru and breathed heavily into his neck, which sent shivers down Kaoru's spine. These moments were the closest thing to an embrace Kaoru had ever received from anyone who wasn't his brother. Which sounded really sad, especially since he really enjoyed these moments despite how sticky and uncomfortable he felt.
They had been doing this for a while now and why he agreed to be used like this was a mystery. Kaoru was only really meant to be a warm, still and obedient body for the man to take out his sexual frustrations on. The man barely remembered to touch him down there to help him cum and no touches between them were affectionate at all. To a certain degree, Kaoru didn't mind being treated like this because it made it feel kinkier in a way, to be treated like a sex toy, but it didn't feel so nice that the other boy didn't seem to care about his needs at all. Kaoru wasn't sure if he would feel like this with any other lover or if he was starting to fall for the guy, and he really hoped that it was the first option because an unrequited love was the last thing he needed. Especially from someone who probably barely even saw him as a friend.
The larger body on top of him let out a groan as he lifted himself from the bed and pulled out of Kaoru. He stood up and started to try to fix the wrinkles in his button down shirt, but quickly gave up when he saw the stains on the fabric. Something he could have avoided if he ever had sex without a shirt on. Kaoru wanted to see him shirtless but that was another boundary that Kaoru refused to cross because he didn't want to make the guy uncomfortable.
"You should have worn a less fancy shirt", Kaoru teased. "Now you've got me all over it".
He didn't feel like leaving the bed yet, he still laid on the white sheets with his legs spread as he felt cum drip out of him. It felt disgusting and erotic at the same time and he suspected that something was wrong with him because he had never heard that anyone else enjoy this part of the aftermath.
"Well you had me worked up so I didn't have the time to change… and if you don't stop doing that I'm going to be worked up again so you won't be able to walk properly back to your room".
Kaoru was used to not being wanted at times he wasn't useful so it didn't make sense that he felt disappointed that he, again, wasn't allowed to stay after sex. He tried to ignore that disappointment though because casual sex was all this was.
"I'm literally not doing anything though, doctor Ootori", Kaoru said the last part with his mischievous voice and spread his legs a little farther apart.
Kyoya looked at him hungrily before averting his eyes.
"Don't say it like that, I want to be able to take my own profession seriously without thinking about this. Besides, it's bad for both of us if we go for another round right now. It's already late at it is".
"I'm still bathing in the afterglow though and I need to wash this out", Kaoru gestured down at the mess between his legs. "So if you want me out of here, you better help me up".
"You have no shame at all", Kyoya murmured and looked at Kaoru again, being careful not to look too far down his body. "At least you have stopped acting like a virgin every time we have sex".
"I have told you! I didn't get laid that often before you came around so I had no time to get used to this!"
"Maybe this is why you didn't get it so often, they wanted you to squirm like a pure and untouched virgin every time they took you", Kyoya teased and Kaoru looked at him with wide eyes.
"Just… just… were you going to do the same if you weren't so freaking horny all the time?"
"Let's just get you cleaned up", Kyoya said, dodging the question, and Kaoru felt a little smug.
Kyoya put on his black boxers and grabbed the rag he always had nearby for these situations. Kaoru yelped as Kyoya started to wipe away the aftermath of their encounter off Kaoru's stomach and thighs and Kaoru made a slightly louder sound as he started to wipe away some from down there as well.
"Is this part of another fetish you have? Because I'm not wearing a diaper", Kaoru said while trying to hide his embarrassment.
"I'm not letting you drip this on my floor and carpet", Kyoya said with just a hint of a smirk on his face. "And you're too useless to do anything right now".
"I'm always cleaning up for myself, you usually just give me the rag", Kaoru thought but decided to keep quiet about. Kyoya was trying to make it seem like he was doing this because he thought that the younger boy couldn't, but Kaoru had been way more out of it other times and was still seen as being capable of cleaning himself.
Kyoya suddenly placed a gentle hand on his thigh and rubbed his thumb over the recent scabs. He looked like he was trying to figure something out but he didn't have all the puzzle pieces.
"These are new", he finally said without looking away from the carvings on the skin.
It was somewhat affectionate and Kaoru didn't know what to think about it.
"I have had new ones before. This is not the first time. Pretty sure I've had scars that are older than our f - for longer than we have known each other".
"You can say friendship. You have never walked on eggshells around me before and you don't have to do it now".
"Well, you didn't want to get any friends here so I didn't know what to say", Kaoru said and closed his legs so Kyoya wasn't touching him anymore. "Besides it doesn't matter. What I call us will not be what you would call us".
"What do you mean?" Kyoya said and finally looked him in the eyes.
"Like I said before, you didn't want friends here and you're not about to take that back. You're stubborn".
"That I am", Kyoya confirmed and returned his eyes back to Kaoru's thigh as Kaoru sat up and grabbed his shirt from the ground. "I can't really read any of the other wounds anymore but the letters JB stands out. What does that stand for?"
"This is uncommon, he usually doesn't try to talk about this if I have shown no interest in talking about it", Kaoru thought and stood up from the bed to pick up the rest of his clothes.
"It's not an old ex-boyfriend that I still haven't gotten over if you think that", Kaoru said nonchalantly and accidentally dropped one of his socks so he had to bend over to pick it up.
"Are you purposely trying to make me worked up again?" Kyoya murmured dangerously.
It sent shivers down Kaoru's back and he was very tempted to make Kyoya lose his cool, but he didn't want to keep the older male awake for too long. Apparently, from what he had heard, Kyoya wasn't a very fun person to be around in the morning.
"Not everything I do is for your enjoyment, perv", Kaoru chuckled and stood up. "I'll use your shower quickly before I leave".
Kaoru was walking towards Kyoya's bathroom but stopped when Kyoya opened his mouth again.
"I didn't think you carved down the name of someone dear to you", he said quietly. "It wouldn't make sense considering how many names and numbers you have already put on your body".
"But you were hinting at that I'm a crazy self-harmer", Kaoru snapped back, a little ruder than he had to. "But I'm still sane. I've had some other doctors trying to be knights and talk to my superiors without knowing shit. Nothing happens because nothing is wrong".
"Other doctors? Are we your type?" Kyoya asked in a slightly accusatory way.
"I usually don't fuck my doctors no. Not that you have the right to be offended over just being picked because you're a kink though", Kaoru rolled his eyes and entered the bathroom.
Kaoru turned on the water in the shower. He grabbed the showerhead and immediately started to wash his lower body even if the water was still ice cold. Normally, he would take his sweet time because he liked how he could pretend to be a normal teenager hooking up with a normal friend with benefits (or whatever he and Kyoya were) under normal circumstances. Unfortunately, Kaoru didn't have the privilege to have that life though.
Kaoru turned off the water and put the showerhead back when he was clean enough and dried himself with a towel that had obviously already been used, but he didn't care.
Fully dressed, he exited the bathroom and walked over to the front door to put on his shoes. He stopped bothering to say goodbye a long time ago. Kyoya usually started to prepare himself for bed, read a book or do some work on his computer every time and just didn't seem interested in him when he left; he never returned the goodbyes so it was just pointless.
Kaoru suddenly felt a hand in his hair and he got so surprised that he stumbled over the shoe he was trying to put on and fell backward so Kyoya had to catch him and stabilize him.
"What was that for?" Kaoru asked and turned around to look (up) at him. "Hair pulling was off limits in the bedroom so it's off limits outside of the bedroom as well", he joked.
"I wasn't pulling it. I was just noticing that you didn't wash your hair. It was pretty much mattered to your forehead a couple of minutes ago so you probably would want to clean it", Kyoya said nonchalantly and raised an eyebrow. "Is it because you don't want to shower your hair twice in a row anymore?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well my shampoo has a very strong scent and I never smell it on you those times I meet you the day after we spent the night together", Kyoya said matter of factly. "My guess is that Hikaru doesn't want you to smell like me so he makes you shower when you get back. Am I correct?"
"It wouldn't look good if other people found out that we were having sex, you know. Especially for you, aren't you supposed to be a professional who doesn't fuck anyone in the military, to which you're supposed to be working for?"
"That's true. However-". Kyoya leaned against the door frame. "-I know your brother is part of the reason. This doesn't sound like anything he wouldn't do".
"True that". Kaoru turned around and knelt down to put on his shoes, correctly this time. "Doesn't matter. I prefer taking more thorough showers in the morning anyway".
"It is pretty late", Kyoya agreed as he glanced at the clock on the wall above his desk.
"Yeah, so I won't keep you from your sleep any longer".
Kaoru stood up and opened the front door and walked out in the hallway.
"You're out faster than usual", Kyoya commented. "Did I actually cross a boundary?"
Kaoru was too tired in the head to hear if Kyoya said it teasingly, if he was annoyed or if he was genuinely concerned.
"Good night, doctor", Kaoru turned to him and smiled before he started walking away.
Kyoya said a quiet good night back before closing the door behind him. That was a first, but Kyoya couldn't really pretend not to see him leave this time around.
Kaoru walked through the hallway to the elevator and stepped inside. He went up a couple of levels before quickly exiting the, too small for his liking, room. He always felt really uncomfortable being in elevators. Small spaces that could fall several stories when accidents happened didn't sound that appealing to him, but he was too sore and tired to take the stairs.
Kaoru heard moaning from one of the Boys in his group's room when he walked through the corridor towards his own room. It really wasn't that uncommon for some guys to "experiment" because… well, guys are horny. It was usually fine because there was no risk for pregnancy (because no girls). Obviously, it was forbidden for them to have intercourse with someone in a position of power since it could make the relationships less professional and ruin things… and in many cases, it didn't count as consensual because some of the boys in his group used to be, or currently were, minors and didn't always understand that they didn't have to have sex with someone just because it was their superior. Someone who was used to obey orders from someone could have a hard time disobeying because they often didn't know their own rights. So it was very clear that those kinds of relationships weren't allowed. However, it wasn't as clear if it was okay for Kaoru to sleep with a doctor. Doctors didn't really have any authority over the Boys but they could leave this place whenever they wanted (if they took leave of course) and it seemed like no one wanted the Boys to be with those kinds of people.
Kaoru and Kyoya had talked about the outside many times. There was a limit of course to what Kyoya was actually allowed to tell Kaoru and their conversations just barely crossed that line sometimes. Kyoya was always a little taken aback every time Kaoru said that he didn't remember or just didn't know something from the outside that Kyoya was talking about. It always made Kaoru wonder how much Kyoya actually knew about Kaoru's situation. Obviously, there were things that would have surprised Kaoru if Kyoya had known about his situation, but why would Kaoru know about the latest tech when he wasn't even allowed to have a phone? The Boys were only allowed a radio that played songs that were carefully picked out and they were allowed to see a few chosen movies. Things they all had agreed to a long time ago.
Kaoru walked past the other Boys' rooms and finally entered his own. Hikaru was immediately on him with his hands on Kaoru's shoulders and his face in his hair.
"I only showered with water", Kaoru said, irritated. "I'll take a proper shower in the morning".
"You still stink like him". Hikaru glared at him and lightly pushed him in the direction of the bathroom.
Kaoru turned around to glare at him. "You're being ridiculous. Especially since you could only smell him when you were burying your nose in my hair. I really just want to go asleep. I promise I will shower in the morning".
They glared at each other for a while before Hikaru yawned. "Fine. Go to bed smelling like the guy who uses you".
"Hikaru", Kaoru said his name like he couldn't believe what he was hearing (which he could). "That was completely unnecessary. He's not using me more than I'm using him. No one is leading anyone on".
"Using each other for what?" Hikaru crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow.
"Orgasms", Kaoru bluntly answered and smirked at the disgusted look on his brother's face.
"I shouldn't have asked", Hikaru said and gagged. "I don't know what I expected to hear".
"There is nothing deeper between him and I so cut me and him some slack".
Kaoru dragged himself to his bed and laid down. He faced the wall so all Hikaru could see was his back.
"I'm sorry for what I said, alright?" Kaoru heard Hikaru say. The apology was pretty much worthless, Kaoru knew that Hikaru would continue harassing him and Kyoya about this like he had done for such a long time. "I'm just worried about you getting hurt".
"You and I both know that's not the whole truth", Kaoru thought but was too tired to voice any of it.
"I hope I can be alone in my dreams tonight", Kaoru said instead, not wanting to go over the same argument again.
"You're talking like you can control your dreams", Hikaru answered with a sigh of defeat and Kaoru heard how he lied down on his own bed.
"You know what I mean", Kaoru murmured and closed his eyes. Hikaru sighed again and they didn't speak to each other for the rest of the time they were awake.
Kaoru knocked on the door to general Rai's office and heard a burly voice tell him to enter.
Rai looked up at Kaoru from his paper and smiled. The man was in his mid fifties, had really short grey hair and a well trained body. Rai was a rather unpredictable man who's mood could quickly change from happy to angry within a second, but still a nice man in Kaoru's opinion. And not only because Kaoru used to have a crush on him when he went through puberty after seeing the man shirtless while training (don't judge, the man was attractive for his age).
"Hi there, little Kaoru", Rai said. He stood up and walked around his desk to properly welcome his visitor. "Hoping for good news?"
"You know it". Kaoru smiled back. "I was told to come here instead of being impatient and coming here on my own accord. So I'm very hopeful".
"Rightfully so, my boy!" The old man exclaimed.
He had a habit of referring to Kaoru as any variation of "tiny" or "young". Which felt both weird and good at the same time. On one hand, it felt a bit emasculating and on the other, it felt very affectionate in a non romantic way (the last part used to annoy Kaoru when he was 13, and very confused and horny of course).
Kaoru's smile widened. "So I'm approved?"
"Yes! You're approved for some fieldwork. Me helping you work out sure paid off, huh? Obviously you won't be going into war but you can come on some missions".
"That's all I'm asking for, general".
"You can call me Hans, little one", Rai said and hit him so hard on his lower back that he had to stabilize himself before he fell over.
"I keep forgetting, sir", Kaoru said with a chuckle.
It was a lie. He did only use Rai's last name on purpose because then he wouldn't use him calling him by his first name as disrespect later when he went into his angry moods. Kaoru took every measure needed to not get on his bad side when he was angry.
Rai picked up a paper from his desk and handed it to Kaoru.
"This is your approval in written form. Hopefully, you won't need to keep sending these, but I want to make sure that you understand the situation. Do you know what this means? Why you're suddenly allowed to do something even remotely dangerous?"
"Because I'm becoming more and more expendable?"
"Don't look so sad, my boy! There is no fun and freedom when you're precious. I mean you can finally do this, and right on time to be able to accompany your brother as well".
"I just… it's all I've heard, you know. That it's important to be useful. Soon they won't need me at all".
Rai put his hands on Kaoru's shoulders.
"You will always be a valuable soldier no matter what, short one. You don't crack like every Boy does eventually and you have been extremely helpful. In fact, don't tell anyone this, but I think you and your brother's first field mission is to physically come with us to the base you recently visited through memories".
"What? Really!? Then I can compensate for the shitty data I brought back!"
"It wasn't shitty though", Rai said and squeezed Kaoru's shoulders before letting go. "It was not as valuable as what others had, but it did help to prove a theory they have been working on. Because as you know, we don't know what they are trying to do over there".
Kaoru suddenly remembered the weird electric cloud he had seen at the last memory dive. Would this mission give him answers about that too? Shouldn't he tell his superiors about this like he had forgotten to do? But what if they pulled him out of his mission? Should he be pulled out?
"Maybe I could tell Rai. He is secretive, he'll know what to do and he alone doesn't have the power to remove me from the mission".
"General, about the mission. I saw something really weird that I can't explain and I want your opinion on if it's even worth mentioning to Grimes or not".
Rai looked him up and down to analyze his body language to see how serious this matter was to Kaoru.
"Shouldn't you have shared all the details with Grimes? Isn't leaving important details out against the rules".
"I had a head injury during the report, general, and forgot about it. Besides, as I said, I don't know if it's significant or not", Kaoru explained.
Rai crossed his arms and leaned against his desk.
"Well, what did you see, kid?"
"I saw something that didn't belong in the memory".
"That's impossible".
"I'm serious, general. I saw a huge electric cloud, but not electric as in lightning. It was electric like electricity from some sort of machine…. the background was really blurry around it as well now when I think about it and it tried to talk to me but I couldn't understand what it was saying".
"Couldn't understand because it was a different language or?"
"No, it was like I was underwater and someone, a robot or something, above the surface was trying to communicate with me… it also was what took me out of the memory much earlier than what was intended", Kaoru said and straightened his back.
He wanted to sit down in the armchair in front of the desk, but Rai hadn't told him that it was allowed yet. Rai already looked more serious than before so he really didn't want to push it… maybe this was a bad idea. Kaoru had been struck before in the middle of a fit of rage, but it wasn't a very serious injury. But that didn't mean that he wanted to be struck again. Kaoru adding the last part probably increased the likelihood of him getting hit again, but he needed to convince the other man that this wasn't normal.
Rai sighed in a way that told Kaoru that he thought Kaoru was an idiot. Of course, it sounded like a serious matter that any sane person should have reported already.
"Kaoru, I really hope your bad memory is the biggest reason why you didn't tell Grimes as soon as you could about this". Rai shook his head and then looked straight into Kaoru's eyes. "Sometimes you get me a little frustrated… if you were my kid, I would have spanked you".
Initially, Kaoru was shocked by what he said before he started to laugh. Rai couldn't be that angry if he joked like that… or at least Kaoru assumed it was a joke.
"I don't think people discipline teenagers like that", Kaoru chuckled.
"You don't know much about raising children, so how would you know?" Rai teased.
"Some of the doctors talk about how they punish their kids every time the boys and I misbehave and I've only heard them doing that to kids… besides, teenagers could start to like it a little bit too much".
Kaoru didn't actually like the idea of parents hitting their children, but he didn't want to risk making Rai actually angry this time so he joked along with him.
"Yeah, you're right. I would have spanked you if you were my disobedient wife as well". Rai burst out laughing.
"General Rai!" Kaoru exclaimed. "Why does it feel like you haven't gotten laid in a while?"
"That's because I haven't, but back to what we talked about before". Rai's expression turned serious again, but not in a way that scared Kaoru. "I think it's stupid of you to not have gone to Grimes… but it would be more stupid for you to tell him now when you're approved for fieldwork".
"Why? Do you really think they wouldn't let me go for this?"
"I don't think, I know". Rai somewhat gently pushed Kaoru down on the armchair and sat down on his desk. "They were already hesitant about letting you memory dive there, kid".
"What? Why?" Did they actually know that this could happen? Was there someone who was out for him? A zero? But what had Kaoru done to deserve that? Yes, he had been in strangers' memories, but they couldn't prove that he was doing that. Besides, he didn't really have an identity left outside of the military. Everything about him was classified.
"Do you remember something called project takeover?" Rai asked and Kaoru's eyes widened before he looked down at the floor with a sad expression.
"By 0 Light? Yes", Kaoru answered with a monotone voice. "They were pretty big back in the day".
Rai didn't have to say more, Kaoru knew all about that.
"They were a nuisance that actually had great potential to do damage, but got disbanded years ago".
"Does this mean that they are back? And the lab they… did I visit their base? This feels very out of character for them"
"You sure did, boy. Jumping into someone's memories while having your own memories about the same place isn't the best thing. Right? You told me that".
"I did. Memories or strong associations that are just as powerful on the mind".
"Isn't that why the boys aren't allowed any contact with the outside world? So your own minds will be like clean slates?"
"At least that's part of the reason why those of the boys who have been here since the beginning don't know much about the outside", Kaoru said and rubbed his temples. "But I don't understand how my memory could taint my mission because I have never been to that place before".
"I don't have the answers… and if you want to go on this mission you can't ask anyone else about this either".
"So I have to choose between doing something I have wanted to do for a while and figuring out this mystery?"
"Look, you can ask Grimes about that afterward and pray he believes the bullshit that you forgot all about it until this mission reminded you. You will most likely be punished, but not as severe as I would be if you told anyone that I know about this. Don't tell anyone that you came to me with this unless you choose to go and tell Grimes right away now".
"I won't tell, I promise", Kaoru assured him. He really didn't see any reason as to why he should tell anyone that Rai knew about this. And not just because it felt like Rai was subconsciously threatening him. "I… I think I'll keep quiet about this. We worked so hard for me to get this opportunity".
"Good boy", Rai pat his head. "Now, if there's nothing else then you are dismissed".
Kaoru stood up and thanked Rai for his time before quickly leaving his office.
He felt rather unsatisfied by the conversation, but at least he knew his options now. Hopefully not telling Grimes about what he saw, for now, wouldn't make things too hard for him later. He just had to sound really convincing when he would tell Grimes after the mission that he hadn't been able to remember until then. Kaoru did get a head injury after all so it could help him sound more believable.
This still isn't as mind boggling as the fact that 0 light could be back… was it really safe for the twins to go there? Kaoru really had to tell Hikaru about 0 Light at least, even if he never intended on telling him about what happened during the memory dive. His brother deserved to know and give his own opinion on the matter… maybe Kaoru had to tell him about the electric cloud, but only if Hikaru asked too many questions.
A familiar soft sound echoed in the corridors. It meant that it was either time to plan for another memory mission or go on another memory mission. Consider that he just recently returned from one, the first option sounded most likely.
"I'll tell Hikaru about this later", Kaoru thought and disappeared down the hallway.