I didn't want to need you

by GreySphinx

Bakugou didn't want to find his soulmate but things don't always go as planned. It's a good thing that they both have the same goal of being a hero. Maybe things will actually work out for him. Hitoshi just wants to be wanted by someone. He doesn't care if he has to hide his relationship from everyone. As long as Katsuki is by his side he can make it through life.

1. Chapter 1

**Authors note**

Hi! This is my first fanfic so comments and constructive criticism are welcome. I'm doing my best to proofread as I go but I don't have anyone to double check me. I will try to update regularly because I know it's frustrating to wait forever to read a new chapter. I have a vague idea of where I am going with this, and hopefully it turns out well. These first chapters are tame. I'll give you a warning when they aren't. I hope you enjoy it!

This is a Bakushin soulmate AU. It follows the anime with main events but I have changed some things.

Chaper 1

Everyone has a soulmate somewhere out there. Not everyone finds that person, but when they do they know. When you meet your soulmate, your wrist burns and the initials of your soulmate appear. That is the person who will make you happy and love you the most.

Bakugou Katsuki had heard about this his whole life. His parents talked to him. School talked to him. It's all some people seemed to talk about, and he was tired of it. He didn't want the world telling him who he had to love. Bakugou wanted that choice to love or not love someone, and at the age of thirteen, he was leaning towards not loving anyone. Being a hero was all Bakugou wanted to focus on. He didn't have time to worry about meeting people to find who fate forced him with. Getting into UA and showing the world that he had what it takes to be a hero is all that he thought about. That's how he found himself sitting on the couch listening to his parents go on about the importance of going out with friends in the hope that he will meet his soulmate.

"Are you even listening, Katsuki"? Mitsuki shouted at him with an irritated look/

"Shut up, old hag! I heard you. I'm going for a run." Katsuki yelled back while walking out the door. He just couldn't handle them anymore. Who cares if he doesn't find his soulmate. He's too young right now anyway, and he has other things more important to focus on. Katsuki walked quickly to the nearby park as the sun started to set. Once he got to the park, he started to run down the paths under the street lamps. He wasn't focused on where he was going, instead focusing on outrunning the irritation from the conversation his parents had with him. His surroundings were just a blur as he picked up speed more and more. The sun was already gone, and his only light was the spaced out street lights next to the path. No one was here this late, so he didn't worry about people being in the way.

After an hour of running, Katsuki started his last lap before heading home. While he wasn't running too fast now he definitely wasn't paying attention to where he was going until his body hit something hard and his back hit the ground. Small explosions went off in his hands as anger leaked out of him.

"Watch where you are going, dumbass!" he yelled out at the person on the ground across from him. Katsuki looked up to see a head of messy purple hair and tired blank eyes belonging to a boy that looked about his age. Suddenly both boys grabbed their wrist and hissed in pain. On Katsuki's wrist too small black letters appeared, HS.

" The fuck!" He was slightly panicking as he looked up at the purple haired boy. His hand shot out to grab the other boy's wrist and see what was there. Two small black letters screamed out at him against pale skin. KB. 'This is not happening', Katsuki thought to himself. 'This is so not the fucking time'. He let out a short growl under his breath and flung the other boy's wrist awat. The purple haired boy just sat there staring with a blank look at Katsuki before glancing down at his wrist. His eyes didn't move for several minutes before he looked up at Katsuki.

" Nice to meet you, too." He said with a smirk as he moved to get off the ground. The purple haired boy stuck his hand out for Katsuki to take, but it was slapped away. Katsuki didn't need help, especially from his soulmate who he just met.

"Shut up before I blast your face off." He sneered as he stood up. " I don't want your help, and I don't want you." Katsuki saw a flash of pain in the purple haired boy's eyes before the blank look took over his face again. He couldn't let himself care that he was being rude to someone he just met let alone his soulmate. It didn't matter that fate said they were perfect for each other. Katsuki finally took a moment to examine the boy in front of him. The other boy looked so tired like he never slept. His clothes didn't really fit well either, and his messy hair definitely needed to be brushed. Despite that, Katsuki could appreciate that he was really good looking.

" Are you done checking me out? If so, can I at least know your name? Your initials are on my wrist. I'm Shinsou Hitoshi."

Katsuki just stared for a minute thinking. Did he really want the other person to know his name? Would that make him have to accept the fact that they are soulmates. He took in a deep breath and let out a sigh before saying, " Bakugou Katsuki."

" Well Bakugou, I guess I'm your soulmate."

Katsuki just grunted at the boy. " Whatever", before turning away to go home. He didn't turn back around to see if Hitoshi was following him. On the way home Katsuki stopped at a grocery store to get some concealer for his wrist. He didn't want anyone to know he found his soulmate. If his parents found out, they would insist they meet him and make a big deal out of it. His life wouldn't be completely his anymore, and that thought scared Katsuki. All he wanted to do was continue training to get into UA without worrying about a complete stranger's life too. To him, having a soulmate meant that you had to give half of yourself to someone else while giving up part of your life to insure that they were happy. Everything he had heard sounded like it was not something he wanted.

Before going in his home, he put some of the concealer on his wrist. The downstairs was quiet, so he assumed his parents already went to sleep. He went up to his room and took off his sweaty clothes before lying down on his bed. A headache was quickly forming from today's event. The thoughts in Katsuki's head kept swirling around at a maddening pace. He's only known his soulmate for half an hour, and he is already affected by it. Katsuki closed his eyes against the darkness of the room and tried to sleep.

Hitoshi was hurt by the words Katsuki said to him. He already knew that no one wanted him, but hearing the words from the person that was one day supposed to love him cut him deeply. The purple haired boy slowly walked back to his foster home while thinking over what happened. He wasn't happy about the attitude his soulmate had, but he could admit that he was attractive. Katsuki had slightly muscled tan skin that would just continue to become more muscular as he got older. His blonde hair was all spiked up, and his red eyes looked like they saw right through Hitoshi. He could admit to himself that he wouldn't mind being with Katsuki, as long as no talking was involved.

The apartment that he was living in with his foster family came into view. He slowed his pace even more not wanting to go in just yet. Ever since his parents gave him up he has been from one foster family to another. No one wanted to be responsible for the kid with a villain's quirk. He couldn't help that he was born with a brainwashing quirk anymore than someone could control who their soulmate was. Hitoshi's whole life had been filled with others bullying him for his quirk. His last foster family only kept him for a month before the hate and fear took over forcing him onto the next family. The current family wasn't bad yet. Sure they ignored him, but at least they didn't hit him or call him names. They gave him clothes that their other children outgrew so he did have new clothes sort of. Hitoshi just wanted a family to last though. He craved that loving family bond that others had. No one thought he was worth that though, but he was going to prove them wrong. He had been working hard to be good enough to try out for UA. There was a teacher there already that saw him one day and agreed to train him.

Hitoshi had been crying on a park bench one night when a man walked past him. Immediately the man stopped and stared at him before sitting down. Eventually the man asked Hitoshi why he was out so late alone and crying. Hitoshi couldn't hold it in anymore. He had just found out that he was being moved once again and felt so hopeless. The man quietly listened while Hitoshi told him about his quirk, the abuse at some of his foster families, how everyone bullied him and called him a villain, and finally Hitoshi told him that he was going to be a hero because that is what he wanted to be not only for himself but to prove everyone wrong. The man took everything in silently just letting the boy get it all out of his system. Once Hitoshi stopped talking the man remained quiet before offering to train him. Hitoshi couldn't believe what he heard. No one ever offered to willingly be around him. They went over the details, and it was decided that he would train Hitoshi on Friday nights until he was able to get into UA. Every Friday since then Hitoshi would meet with the man named Aizawa to train his quirk and build up physical strength. So far he had been training with him for a couple of months. It was his favorite day of the week, and he always looked forward to it. No one had believed in him until Aizawa. No one had actually talked to him, gotten to know him, and helped him like Aizawa. This man made Hitoshi's dream closer to a reality than he ever thought possible.

He made his way up the steps to the apartment making sure to be quiet in case anyone was still awake. The couple who took him in didn't like when Hitoshi was loud enough for them to know he was there. After a quick shower, he got in bed and dreamed of red eyes and explosions.

Friday training with Aizawa went like normal. Hitoshi was getting better and better with being able to get in some hits. Aizawa was proud of his student and after getting to know him over the past months, he was starting to feel fatherly affection towards the boy. Hitoshi was really giving it his all to prove that he was a hero and not a villain.

After training Hitoshi walked to the park to mentally prepare himself for going back to his foster home. He might have slightly been hoping to catch sight of spiky blonde hair and angry red eyes again, too. The bench he chose to sit on was right next to the running path where he could watch strangers run by. To his luck or maybe misfortune, he noticed a familiar figure running in the distance. Hitoshi's heart beat a little faster as Katsuki ran towards him. The blonde boy hadn't even noticed him yet. There was still time to get up and walk away before Hitoshi was noticed. Fate has other plans though because as soon as Hitoshi stood up, Katsuki spotted him. Pale skinned turned red as Hitosh blushed while trying to walk away.

" Hey!" an angry yell came from behind him. Hitoshi picked up his pace pretending to ignore Katsuki. He could hear the boy behind him running faster to catch up to him. Suddenly a hand grabbed Hitoshi's shoulder pulling him backwards and spinning him to face Katsuki. Red eyes glared into purple. Both boys stayed silent not wanting to be the first to speak. The blush on Hitoshi's face remained, and Katsuki panted trying to catch his breath. Katsuki's hand never left Hitoshi's shoulder while they stared each down.

" Are you stalking me or something?" Katsuki finally broke the silence.

"No. I was just on my way home."

" Whatever." Katsuki's hand finally fell from Hitoshi's shoulder. He kept staring at the purple haired boy though trying to see if he was lying.

" Why would I want to stalk someone like you? You were pretty clear when you said you wanted nothing to do with me. I'm not going to waste my time trying to get to know you." Hitoshi kept a straight face and even tone as he spoke. He didn't want Katsuki to hear the hurt and anger he was feeling. " I've got better things to do with my time than beg for attention from someone like you."

" Oh yeah! Like what?" Katsuki was getting mad. No one talked to him like this. " Nevermind. It doesn't even matter." He crossed his arms over his chest and turned his head to the side giving off the appearance that he truly didn't care. Something inside his chest didn't feel right though. It was a very small something, but it still bothered him.

Hitoshi was done with this. He could feel his eyes watering slightly, and that was the last thing he wanted Katsuki to see. The other boy couldn't know that his words affected Hitsohi. Without responding he pushed past the blonde boy and walked away. A tear fell down his cheek pushing him into a run. He couldn't let anyone see him cry. As soon as he got to his apartment he went to his room and threw himself on his bed. The pillow on his bed muffled his sobs as he let his emotions out. When the tears stopped he sat up and stared at the bare walls. He had to get it together. This wasn't a new feeling and shouldn't have affected him so badly. No one wanted him and he knew that so why did it hurt so much coming from a guy he has only talked to twice now. Hitoshi got up and went to the bathroom to shower. He let the warm water soothe his aching muscles and aching heart. This would be the first and last time he cried because of Bakugou Katsuki. Whenever he saw him next he would ignore that the other boy was even there.

It's been six months since Katsuki actually talked to his soulmate. Every Friday he ran past him on his run but said nothing. He didn't know where Hitoshi was coming from, but he always looked worn out and sweaty. Maybe he was training too but it's not like he could actually be a hero or anything. Not with a quirk like that. His last year of middle school was approaching, and all Katsuki could worry about was keeping his grades up and training hard to get into UA. Seeing the purple haired boy every week wasn't going to distract him from his goal even though it made something in his chest feel weird. Fuck fate. Katsuki didn't need this right now especially when he barely even knew the guy. He hated that this was out of his control so he chose to ignore it.

He was out on his normal Friday run when he noticed something was off. Hitoshi always walked past him at a very specific spot but he wasn't there. The blonde ignored the spike of worry that went through him. He didn't care. It's not like he knew the guy enough to worry. His pace stayed steady as he talked himself out of the worry. They didn't plan to meet or anything. It was a coincidence that they saw each other at the exact same time, in the exact same spot, on the exact same day every week. Katuki was definitely not worried, just thrown off a bit from the normal mile down the path he saw a familiar head of purple hair on a bench a bit away from the path. He slowed down a bit watching the boy. When he got closer he could see that Hitoshi had his head down and knees pulled up to his chest on the bench. His shoulders were shaking like he was crying. Katsuki stopped and debated with himself on what to do. On one hand he really shouldn't care but he was also really curious about what could make the normally calm and stoic boy so upset. He slowly walked over to the bench hearing the soft sobs as he got closer. Hitoshi didn't even notice Katsuki sit down at the end of the bench. Katsuki stared down at his feet before deciding to move a little closer. The sudden feeling of someone next to him startled Hitoshi into looking up. Hitoshi's eyes were red and watery. His face was wet from the tears, and Katsuki felt his heart hurt a bit at the sight.

" What do you want, Bakugou? Finally tired of seeing me every week? Come to tell me off for being here?" Katsuki didn't even know how to react at first. The longer the words soaked in the angrier he got.

" Fuck you. I just came over to see what was making those god awful sounds that were distracting me from my run. It turned out to be nothing." He got up and started to walk away from the crying boy. The sounds of Hitoshi crying harder made him stop. He didn't care. He couldn't care. He wouldn't care. He cared. It didn't make sense but he cared to know why Hitsohi was so upset. They weren't friends or anything, but over time Hitoshi became a part of his daily life by walking past him every friday. It wasn't any kind of relationship but still put Hitoshi in Katsuki's thoughts. He turned around and went back to sit on the bench. A sigh left him before he spoke.

" Why are you crying, Shinsou?"

"It's not like you care"

" I wouldn't be asking if I didn't want to know."

Hitoshi didn't answer. He kept his face pressed into his knees. Katsuki's normal anger bubbled up after several minutes of no answer. " Fine. Sit by yourself and cry." He started to stand up when he heard a quiet voice.

" They don't want me anymore."

"Who doesn't want you?"

"My foster family. They didn't want me in the first place, but they are done with me now. No one wants me." The tears kept falling as he spoke. Katsuki didn't know what to say. This was the first thing he was actually learning about the other boy other than his name.

" This was the longest I've ever been with a family. Most only keep me for a month or two. They ignored me but they didn't hurt me. It was the nicest home I've been in." Katsuki just stared at the side of Hitosh's face. What could he even say to that?

"Maybe your next family will be nice."

"They won't be. No one wants to care for a future villain. It doesn't matter though. I'm used to it. I'm really only upset because I don't know where I will be moved to." This made Katsuki's heart stop for a minute. Hitoshi could be moved far away, and they wouldn't get to see each other as he ran in the park. Katsuki didn't realize how much he looked forward to it until the thought of losing it was there. Something changed for him at the moment. He actually wanted to get to know Hitoshi. The other boy really needed a friend and Katsuki could be that for him. He didn't normally like to be near people crying, but it was different with Hitoshi. All Katsuki could think about doing was comforting him. He put his arm around the purple haired boy and leaned into him. "What happened to your parents, Shinsou?"

"They gave me up after my quirk manifested. I've been in foster care since I was six."Hitoshi wiped his face on his sleeves and looked over at Katsuki. He watched the blonde boy pull his phone out of his pocket. " What are you doing, Bakugou?"

"Just shut up and put your number in my phone." Katsuki put his phone in Hitsho's hands and waited. Hitoshi stared at the phone for a minute before typing in his number. After handing it back he asked, " why?"

" so you can talk to me, dumbass."

" but you don't want anything to do with me."

"Well I changed my mind."

" I don't want your pity, Bakugou." Anger flashed through red eyes when Hitoshi said this.

" It's not pity. You stood your ground when we first met and you've ignored me ever since. No one does that so we are going to be friends." Hitoshi didn't know how to respond so he just nodded. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket when Katsuki text him to give him his number. They sat in silence as the sun began to fade, and the street lights turned on. Hitoshi silently got up and headed towards his foster home. He turned back to thank Katsuki before disappearing in the distance. Katsuki stayed where he was for a few more minutes before heading home too.

After he took a shower and got in bed his phone vibrated on his night stand. Katsuki looked at his phone and was actually happy to see a text from Shinsou.

Shinsou: I get to stay in the area. My new home isn't too far from where I am now

He felt better knowing that his new friend wouldn't be moved far from him. Sleep quickly took over Katsuki before he could even think of a reply. Puffy purple eyes filled his dreams that night, and when he woke the next day he felt like he barely slept. The text from last night was still open on his phone.

Katsuki's mom could tell he wasn't feeling right when he came down for breakfast. Normally he was loud and their conversation was mostly yelling. This morning he just slumped into his chair and quietly ate breakfast.

" What's wrong with you today, Katsuki?" He paused with his fork halfway to his mouth before setting it back on his plate. His hands moved to sit in his lap. This wasn't like Katsuki at all. His mom stayed quiet waiting for her son to either explode or actually tell her what was bothering him. The silence stretched on for a long time while Katsuki thought of what to say. He really didn't want to tell her that he found his soulmate. That would just lead to more and more questions and conversations he didn't want. Hiding it forever wasn't an option either though. There was only so long he could pretend that he didn't know his soulmate because his parents would push him into going out and searching and he didn't need to do that. The small initials on his wrist also couldn't be hidden forever. Eventually he would slip up and they would see. He rubbed the spot where the initials were hidden under concealer. This was a hard decision to make. Both options led to places he didn't want to go. If only he hadn't gone running that day six months ago. Then he wouldn't be in this position, but then he wouldn't have met the sad boy who puts on an uncaring face to the world. The longer Katsuki thought about it the clearer the best option came. Only one option would give him some control and be less of a pain in the ass. He looked up at his mom's patiently waiting fast and steeled his nerves.

" I met my soulmate." It was spoken so quietly that his mom didn't even register at first. The words sat in the air, and his mom's face brightened as she realized what he said.

" That's great! When can we meet her? Is she cute? Did this happen yesterday?" Katsuki processed the questions. Even though he was expecting them, he still wasn't prepared for them. A few minutes passed before he felt like answering her.

" I met him about six months ago. Yes, he is cute. I don't know when you can meet him. We are barely friends now, and he is about to move to a new foster home." His mom's face looked sad. He didn't know which part made her sad though. The part where she figured out she won't have grandchildren or the sadness a parent feels towards kids with no parents. He soon got his answer though when his mom spoke next.

"I'm sure that must be really hard for him. He is welcome here anytime he likes." Katsuki's mom smiled at him before she got angry. " and why am I just now finding out that you found your soulmate? Six months is a long time and you are just now his friend? You better be nice to him, Katsuki!"

"Shut up you old hag! I was nice to him yesterday. It's not like we have been hanging out. I just see him at the park on Friday when I run."

" You haven't tried to be his friend in the six months you've been seeing him at the park?"

"It's not your business how I handle my own soulmate!" They were now breathing heavily from yelling at each other and were half out of their chair. Katsuki sank back into his chair with a huff and crossed his arms over his chest. " I have his number now okay. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to. Don't make a big deal about it and tell everyone." Mitsuki's face softened at her son.

" Fine. I won't tell anyone. It's not my business anyway. Just promise me that you will try, Katsuki."

" Yeah. Whatever." He got up and put his plate in the sink before heading back to his room. His phone was sitting on his bed where he left it. Katsuki grabbed it and typed out a quick message before putting it in his pocket and leaving the house to meet his friends.

Hitoshi wasn't expecting a response back when he texted Katsuki last night, but he was still a little put out that one never came. He was in the middle of packing his bags when his phone vibrated on the table next to his bed. A small smile appeared on his face when he saw that it was a text from Bakugou.

Bakugou: We could run together on Fridays or whatever. Since we are both there anyways you know.

This made Hitoshi happy to know that Bakugou was actually doing what he said and trying to be his friend. He didn't have any friends other than Aizawa. Hitoshi quickly finished packing before heading to the car waiting outside for him. The move to a new home was happening faster this time because the family had been planning it for a while without even telling him. The city passed by him in a blur as he stared out the window. He could only hope that his new foster home was at least like the last one and only ignored him. An abusive home would be too much to handle after not experiencing it for a while. No matter what his new home was like though, he still had Fridays to look forward to. The thought of training with Aizawa could pull him through the week. Now he even had time with a friend to look forward to even though he barely knew his new friend. No matter how this new home turned out he wouldn't give up on his dream.

The car came to a stop in front of a nicer looking apartment complex. Hitoshi didn't pay attention during the drive but as he looked around the street, he could see that all of the buildings looked nicer than what he was used to. He grabbed his bags and stepped out of the car waiting on the social worker to join him. They entered the building, and she guided him to the elevator. Silence enveloped them during the ride to the top floor. Neither were willing to break it. As the door opened the social worker finally turned to Hitoshi and gave him a small smile.

" I think you will actually like it here, Hitoshi." He didn't say anything back opting to stare down at his feet. His knuckles were wite from the tight grip on his bags. Anxiety consumed him as the social worker led him to a door at the end of the hall and knocked. Confusion took over the anxiety when a man opened the door.

" Aizawa sensei, what are you doing here?" Hitoshi asked, shocked to see him. The social worker smiled even wider at Hitoshi. She gave him a moment to collect himself before speaking.

"Hitoshi, this is your new foster parent. Shouta Aizawa." He couldn't believe what he heard. This was all just a dream. No one wanted him. Sure Aiazwa trained him, but he never mentioned wanting to take him in.

" Please come in." Aizawa opened the door wider and gestured the two into his living room. Hitoshi walked in slipping his shoes off next to the door. The apartment wasn't huge but bigger than the normal ones he stayed in. There wasn't a lot of furniture in the living room making the apartment look even bigger. The boy stood there taking it all in. He couldn't wrap his head around what was happening. One minute he was worrying about who the next strangers to take him in would be and the next he was in Aizawa's apartment. Aizawa and the social worker talked quietly while Hitoshi looked around the living room sorting out last minute details.

" Is there anything I can do for you before I leave, Hitoshi?" The social worker asked walking over to him. He was still in too much shock to even think of anything so he just shook his head. "Alright then. I'll be leaving now. You have my number if you need me." She quickly walked out of the apartment and shut the door behind her.

" Is this real?" Hitoshi finally asked. Aizawa smiled and sat down on the couch.

" Let's sit down and talk." Hitoshi sat down next to him and waited for the man to continue.

"I know your other foster homes were not the best to you. Being a hero is your goal, and you have been working really hard to get there. Your training is going so well. Physically you are advancing, but mentally and emotionally you are not." Aizawa paused to watch the boy's reaction. " I promised to train you, and this is part of my promise. You can't get better if you aren't in a better situation." Hitoshi sniffled, holding back the tears threatening to fall listening to his teacher's words. No one had ever thought enough about him enough to do something like this, but it does make sense that someone would want to help him fully instead of wasting their time on doing something halfway. Hitoshi finally understands that this is just for his training. He will probably have to leave when it's over. Aizawa sees the emotions on Hitoshi's face as if he can read the boy's mind.

" Hitoshi, this isn't just about training though. Over time I have grown to care about you, and I want to see you happy. I don't know how to be a parent but I think of you like a son. You deserve to be in a good home with someone who can take care of you. I care about you." Those last words broke Hitoshi. He couldn't fight back the tears anymore. Aizawa put his arms around him and pressed the boy's face into his shoulder. Hitoshi could feel the older man rubbing circles into his back as he cried. It felt like hours had passed before he was finally calm enough to sit up and look at Aizawa.

"Let's get some food and get you settled in." Aizawa stood up and walked into the kitchen. He ordered some take out for them before showing Hitoshi to his room. His room had a bed and a desk. Everything was in black and grey colors with some purple accents. Aizawa told him they would go get more things for his room and some clothes the next day. Once he ate and got settled in exhaustion took over. He laid down and finally looked at his phone seeing a text from Bakugou.

Bakugou: or not. It's whatever.

Hitoshi rolled his eyes before responding

Shinsou: sorry. I was moved today and yeah we can meet after my training ends at 4.

It didn't take long for his phone to vibrate with a response.

Bakugou: training for what and how did that go?

Shinsou: i told you i was going to be a hero and surprisingly well. My new foster parent is the man who has been training me

Bakugou: I'm happy for you. Better than some douchebag that treats you like shit

Shinsou: yeah. Aizawa sensei is the best teacher. I think i'll like it here

It took longer for a response this time, but his phone started vibrating with a call.

" hello"

" you mean Aizawa as in Aizawa the UA teacher?" katsuki was yelling on the other end.

" yeah. He's been training me for a while now."

" That is so fucking cool! You have to tell me how a UA teacher started training you."

Hitoshi told him the story of how Aizawa started training him which turned into talking about going to UA. They talked for hours on the phone before finally admitting that they needed sleep. Overall, the day turned out to be great for Hitoshi. The man that he looked up to was his new foster dad, he finally had a chance at being in a happy home, and his soulmate was finally turning into a friend. As he fell asleep that night he couldn't help but to be excited about the future for the first time in his life.