The Department of Oddities and the Unexplained
written by: albe-chan
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction and I do NOT own Harry Potter or any of the characters mentioned, I am making no money from this, and any similarities with real life are purely coincidental. This work will contain MATURE THEMES, such as coarse language, mature subject matter (scenes containing graphic sex, recreational potion use and drinking, nudity, etc.), and/or violence. Please, if you are not over the age of 18, or of majority in your country, DO NOT READ THIS! You have been warned!
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Lily Potter frowned at the man holding his lamp at bay with a rake. "Really?" she said blandly, rolling hazel eyes, almost offended she'd even been called out of bed at two in the morning for a something so trivial as a biting lamp. Weren't there rookies for this shit? The guy, who looked terrified, jabbed his rake at the lamp again, and it snapped viciously.
"Are you just gonna stand there, lady, or are you gonna help me!?" the man demanded, looking quite demented in his robe and slippers, hair sticking up everywhere.
"Relax," Lily said, through a yawn, and pulled her wand out. "Finite Incantatem," she mumbled at the lamp, which turned on her now, snapping the porcelain jaws in its base at her, the cord flicking out dangerously. "Huh, somebody's made this night shit for me," she sighed, and flicked her wand at the lamp again. It snapped and hopped forward, toward her, and the Muggle man jumped onto his bed, looking petrified. Lily squinted as the lamp shined light directly in her eyes and then jumped at her, waved her wand again, and the lamp fell to the ground, once more a standard lamp, smashing artfully on impact.
"Hey, that was my lamp!" the Muggle guy said in protest, looking beyond shock and awe and into hysteria mode. Lily sighed, barely resisting rolling her eyes again. Twelve seconds ago the guy was beating the thing with a device for gathering fallen leaves, and now he was pissed because she'd broken the ugly fucking lamp. Typical man!
"Reparo," she muttered, and the lamp mended itself neatly. She picked it up and set it on the dresser, then tried to suppress another yawn, knowing she had to focus on the next bit. It was the part she liked least about her job, except when she got called out for the worst sorts of things like this, in the middle of the night, because Lily was terrified someday she'd mess up.
"Who are you?" the guy finally demanded.
Lily pulled a face. "Everything will make sense in the morning," she said firmly, and then pointed her wand at the poor guy. "Obliviate minimus."
By the time she got back to the Ministry, it was pushing three, and Lily wanted to get in, file her damn incident report, and get home before her alarm would go off at six thirty. She didn't bother stifling the loud, jaw-cracking yawn as she got to her desk.
"Look what the cat dragged out of bed," said a horribly familiar, drawling voice, and Lily grit her teeth, pulling out forms and a quill.
"Sod off if you value your life, Malfoy," Lily grumbled, rolling her eyes furiously, because if she had to pick one person to disappear off the face of the earth forever, it would be the arrogant, complete prick, and utterly fucking gorgeous blond pureblood whose desk was across from hers, with only a too short frosted glass barrier between.
"So grouchy, Little Potter," he said, and she could picture the bastard smirking. "Let me guess, you got called out for a biting lamp?" he drawled. Lily looked at him properly, incident report form forgotten, and glared menacingly.
"What the hell did you do?" she snarled. Scorpius grinned widely, dark grey eyes thoroughly amused.
"Got called in to deal with the same damn thing," the pureblood said, and pouted dramatically. "So if anyone should be grouchy, it's me. I had a lovely young witch in nothing but knickers when I got the call, and suffice to say, she's probably not waiting for me to get back." Lily's lip curled. "And I'm almost certain you were simply going about your normal, boring sleep cycle, so you can suck it up, Potter."
"You're a fucking pig," she said scathingly, and turned back to her report. After only a half word more, though, she found herself unable to help looking up and asking, "Do you think it's some kind of widespread curse? Of course, I got rid of it with the simple Animatus Counter Jinx, but if it's a widespread issue, we'll have to-"
"Relax, Little Potter," Scorpius said dismissively. "If it becomes an issue, we'll undoubtedly end up handling it." Lily frowned massively, because that was not what protocol dictated. Dark grey eyes flicked up to meet her hazel gaze. "But if you'd like to spend the rest of your night filling out a small mountain of paperwork, go right ahead."
She sent him a dirty look, because she was already sleep deprived enough as it was, and quickly set to work on her incident report instead. If it turned out she needed to do the other required paperwork to report a possible widespread curse upon lamps fitting the description of the one she'd encountered, Lily figured she could do it on a couple more hours' sleep.
The redhead heard Scorpius finish his report and scrawl his name at the bottom with a flourish, his chair squeaking a little when he leaned back, and he sighed. "Well, that's another stunning report by yours truly, and another problem solved for some poor unfortunate bastard with horrible taste in lighting decor." Lily grit her teeth against the request for him to shut the bloody fuck up, working on completing her own report. "You almost done, Little Potter?"
"No," she said darkly, pressing harder than necessary with her quill.
Malfoy snorted. "Wow, what are you writing a novel? Merlin, no wonder your reports don't even get read." Lily gripped her quill tighter but kept on writing steadily. "Then again, to be fair, it might just be because they're boring," he added.
Lily jabbed a hole in her parchment with her quill. "Can you shut up?" she growled.
"Can I shut up? Of course I can. Will I? Probably not. Hurry up, you're not going to get it done any faster glaring at me, Little Potter." She glared still, hating him thoroughly, but Scorpius merely smiled winningly.
"Just fucking go home," she grumbled, going back to her report.
"And leave you here alone, to get home by yourself, when there could be a whole army of vicious, murderous lamps waiting for you? Nah. Besides, I owe Albus a favour, so this will make us square."
"I don't need your help," she said instantly, report all but forgotten. Scorpius rolled dark grey eyes.
"Sure," he said disbelievingly. "Hurry up, Little Potter. Quill to parchment, go, go, go!"
"Seriously, go fuck yourself," Lily scoffed, but went back to her report. "And get out of here and back to whatever dumb bimbo will have you."
She looked up when she caught a whiff of expensive, mouth-watering delicious cologne, and felt him leaning over her desk. And indeed, his hands were splayed on his own desk, looming over her. "They're not all dumb bimbos. Hurry up. You don't have to include every bloody detail, Potter."
She frowned, because in fact they were required to do so, and leaned back. "Get out of my bubble," she snapped.
"No. Hurry up. In fact..." Scorpius pulled his wand out, waved it, and Lily's report began writing itself, her quill wriggling free of her grasp, and filling out the page. "There you go. Just sign the bottom."
Lily's mouth dropped open. "What did you do!?" she demanded. "This isn't my report, you idiot! And I did not scream like a little girl when the lamp tried to bite me! Nor did I panic and almost lose my head!" She could feel her temper rising dangerously, her face burning red with her rage, and grit her teeth, telling herself it would be beyond foolish to grab her wand and curse the stupid, sexy smirk right off his fucking face.
"Close enough," Malfoy said. The quill brushed her hand. "Just sign the bottom."
"No!" she said, and stomped her foot, feeling dangerously close to angry tears.
And then Scorpius laughed at her. Threw his head back and let out good, hearty belly laugh. "Oh my fucking Godric," he gasped, laughing some more, and sat back in his chair. "Did you seriously just stomp your foot? What are you, like eleven?"
He laughed again and Lily took a deep breath, striving to ignore him, even as she pulled out her wand. She felt a smug sense of satisfaction when Malfoy stopped laughing. It had, admittedly, been several years, but Lily was no stranger to cursing Scorpius Malfoy point blank in the face. "It's the middle of the night," she said, tapping her report with her wand to change it into a semblance of the truth. "I'm tired. And I'm grouchy. And you, Malfoy, are a far too easy target." She tapped her report a few more times, and then inked her signature on the bottom at last, setting it in her Out tray.
"You're also sporting a case of phenomenal bedhead," he added and she narrowed hazel eyes dangerously, gripping her wand.
"So," she continued stiffly, as if he hadn't spoken, "you should probably shut up if you want to be able to see the sunrise."
Malfoy simply smiled. "You know," he said, standing up, and Lily hated that she had to tilt her head to maintain eye contact. "I think I must be getting into hallucinating levels of exhaustion, 'cause you're awfully cute when you're mad, Little Potter."
Lily's lip curled. "Too bad your inner ugliness is practically blinding all the time, Malfoy," she spat.
He chuckled and followed her out of the office toward the lifts that would lead to the Atrium and home. "Ouch," he drawled. "So mean. No wonder you're single," he teased. "Not too many blokes willing to put up with that notorious redheaded Weasley temper."
Lily merely flipped him off, because, even though she'd rather undergo the Cruciatus Curse than admit it, Malfoy wasn't wrong. There really weren't any men in her life that weren't blood relations who tolerated her temper and wanted to get her naked. And any that were, weren't exactly what she was interested in romantically.
"Ooh, no witty, scathing response?" Malfoy drawled from behind her. "Have I hit a nerve, then, Little Potter?"
"Jump off a fucking cliff," she snarled, and jammed the button for the lifts viciously.
Malfoy only chuckled. "Not one of your best, Potter."
"I hate you," she growled.
"The feeling might just be mutual," he said, grinning, dark grey eyes roving over her. "And for the record, those robes are awful."
Lily looked down at herself pointedly, because she actually rather liked these robes! And sure, she wasn't a toothpick, so of course they'd be a little big, just to hide her least favourite places, but they weren't awful. "What? They are not! I just bought these!"
Malfoy shrugged and stepped into the lift before her. "Really?" he said. "They're ugly, the colour is bad with your hair, and you kind of look like a man underneath." Lily stared at him, gaping, shocked beyond words and scathing retorts, because that was kind of really mean. And then the lift doors slid closed shut and Scorpius laughed as the lift descended and Lily was left staring at the golden grilles, mouth hanging open gormlessly. And just as she wished she could murder the sonofabitch, she realized it was probably for the best he'd stolen her lift and left her waiting, because she probably couldn't handle Azkaban. Even if it was what the sodding bastard deserved.
Lily spent the night tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep, and threw her alarm clock across her bedroom when it went off, not even feeling a tiny bit better as the poor thing smashed against the wall and broke apart messily. She'd spent her entire night, at least the part that wasn't interrupted by a biting lamp, being heckled by Scorpius Malfoy, and now, three hours after the fact, she was no closer to feeling calmed down. And she was exhausted and irritable on top of it.
Instead of pulling the blanket over her head and pouting all day, like she wanted, Lily got out of bed, mended her alarm clock, and went to take a long hot shower. When the hot water cut out abruptly halfway through washing her hair, the redhead was certain it was going to be a bad day. When she stepped out of one of the many Floo fireplaces at the Ministry an hour later and Lily noticed a run in her magically enhanced, shaping pantyhose, it was confirmed. She should've just stayed in bed.
Instead of simply turning around and going home, though, Lily forged ahead, up to the Office for the Department of Oddities and the Unexplained. It was a division of the Accidental Magic Reversal Squad and a branch of Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office combined that focused solely on fixing the bizarre problems that sometimes arose when magical artefacts stumbled into Muggle hands, or when Muggle objects were tampered with magically and presented a risk to unsuspecting Muggles. And while the pay was minimal, and the hours wacky at times, Lily thoroughly enjoyed her job for the most part, because there was always some new challenge, or a crazy experience to be had. Which wasn't to say it wasn't dangerous, because it could be, but the redhead had accepted long ago, after her first week on the job, she was a sucker for the adrenaline highs that came with the danger.
When Lily breezed in at last, chin held high, the office was still only sparsely populated. She was almost always among the first to arrive in the morning, because she was guaranteed a solid hour, maybe two, of peace. Because Malfoy almost never showed up before nine. However, moments after she sat at her desk, dropping her massive tote bag beside her chair, and pulled out the latest from her In tray, she caught a familiar whiff of delicious cologne, and Scorpius Malfoy drawled, "Morning, Little Potter."
Shock rendered her speechless for a moment as she stared at him in his lightweight outer robes, white button down and dark grey slacks all smacking of fashion and money, all perfectly stylish and tailored. She hated that a part of her couldn't help but be impressed he looked so fucking good first thing in the morning. And then Lily's brain caught up with her, and she snapped her mouth shut, frowning. "Apparently an early one for you. I don't think I've ever seen you here at this hour," she replied.
The blond grinned. "Aw, you wait to see when I'm going to come in? That's almost creepy stalker, but still awfully cute, Little Potter."
The redhead glared. "Let me guess, you only came in because you didn't have a bimbo in bed to distract you?" she said acidly.
Scorpius shrugged. "Probably," he said, and she rolled hazel eyes.
Before she could say a word, however, the Department Head's office door burst open, and the short, barrel chest and distinctly hairy Barry Balcombe exited, looking grouchy as ever. "Potter, Malfoy," he barked in his smoke ravaged voice above the minimal noise, and Lily jumped a little bit as Scorpius turned his head. Lily could count on one finger the number of times the man had barked her name like that, but didn't have enough fingers, or toes, to count how many times Scorpius had been hollered at. "My office, now!"
Lily jumped up as Balcombe marched back into his office, and Scorpius chuckled a little, rising fluidly. "Nervous?" he asked softly as Lily hurried toward her boss's office, and he followed with long legged ease beside her.
"Seriously, Avada Kedavra yourself," she hissed, then pasted on a meek smile as she crossed into Balcombe's office. It was messy and smelled of fresh coffee and stale cigar smoke.
"Sit," Balcombe barked. The chairs were covered, one in boxes of what looked like incident reports, the other in Balcombe's robes, a jacket, and hat. Lily Conjured a third chair and sat herself down, crossing her legs primly, waiting anxiously. Scorpius did the same, but lounged comfortably, putting his feet up on his boss's desk. Balcombe glared at him and grey eyes rolled as he put his feet back down.
"What now, Balcombe?" Malfoy drawled lazily.
Lily shot him a dirty look. "Sir?" she said, when Balcombe looked at her. He sat himself in his own chair behind his desk, leaning back thoughtfully.
"We've received information from several Muggle sources that there's a young couple in the outskirts of London, who just bought the house that once belonged to a rather deranged wizard with a twisted sense of humour. And they're due to move in in six weeks."
"Which wizard?" Malfoy asked, even as Lily's brow furrowed.
Balcombe scowled and glanced at a folder that was open before him. "Whitlock Forrester." Scorpius's mouth turned down, along with Balcombe's, and Lily tried to refrain from looking like she had no clue what they looked so disgruntled about with little success.
"I hate that bastard," Scorpius murmured.
"Join the club," Balcombe growled. "Guy should be locked away in a looney ward at St. Mungo's."
The redhead glanced between the two wizards, making a mental note to research Whitlock Forrester as soon as she could. "So what's the deal with the house?" Scorpius asked, face uncharacteristically, to Lily anyway, serious and thoughtful.
"That's the mission," Balcombe said, and looked at Lily again, who swallowed nervously. "Get the house, and whatever little tricks Forrester's left, Muggle safe and good to go before the newlyweds move in. Or at least have it fit enough for them to move in, and worry about details after."
Scorpius looked at Lily, a condescending brow lifting. "Is Potter being brought in for beautification after the fact?" he asked, and Lily narrowed her eyes at the arrogant blond pureblood, teeth gritting as she fought not to slap him silly.
"No," Balcombe said, sounding amused. Scorpius looked back at his boss warily. They both knew Malfoy was too good at what he did to be let go, and he took full advantage of that fact. "Potter's going to be your partner."
Lily sat in her chair, feeling numb at that proclamation. She'd rather Crucio herself! "Sir, I think-" the redheaded witch began, but then Malfoy was talking over her.
"Not bloody likely," he spat. "I'm not having the littlest Potter following me around. She could get killed, Balcombe, and she'll only slow me down." He rolled his eyes at his boss again.
The smaller wizard put his cigar in his mouth, chewing it. "Or, more likely, she'll save your arrogant ass," Balcombe snapped, and Lily flushed at the praise a little. Scorpius snorted with derision. "And since I'm still higher up the pay scale than you, Malfoy, I make the decisions."
Grey eyes narrowed dangerously. Lily licked her lips. "Sir, with all due respect, I'm flattered you think I can handle this, but I don't think-"
"See? She says herself she can't do it," Scorpius said matter of factly. Lily grit her teeth hard.
"Excuse me," she snarled, "I don't believe it was your turn to speak, Malfoy." She sucked in a furious breath through her nose, loathing Malfoy more than ever, her chest burning with rage that he thought her so utterly incompetent. "As I was saying, Mr. Balcombe," she continued, trying not to sound like a bitch to her boss, "I don't think Malfoy would be the best partner for me on this case." She paused to draw breath, then opened her mouth to speak.
"Too bad, Potter," Balcombe said easily. "You and Malfoy are two of the best I've got, so you both get to go. Don't fuck it up and do a good job, you might even get a promotion." His dark eyes flicked to Scorpius. "And I know with Potter, I don't have to reiterate the rules about undercover assignments," Balcombe growled.
Scorpius smirked. "I've told you a million times, Barry, I can't help it that witches throw themselves at me. And I'm only human. A man can only take so much begging for it."
Lily sneered silently, privately thinking that sounded awfully disgusting. What sort of witch worth her salt as a DOU agent would sleep with Malfoy, let alone beg him to have her? Even if he was gorgeous, and probably great in bed, he was also a complete and utter asshole, and she shook her head sadly, a little disheartened that the average woman fell for his false charms.
"Regardless," Balcombe said, and cleared his throat. "This shit's a big fucking deal. The little wife is the favourite niece of some old crone in the Muggle politics, and if there's a scandal, I'll fucking fire the both of you."
Lily gulped but Malfoy merely laughed. "Sure thing, Balcombe," he said.
The other wizard glowered menacingly at the pureblood, who stood up. "I'm fucking serious, Malfoy. Sit your ass down."
Malfoy sighed dramatically but sat. Lily fought a smirk. "What?" the blond said moodily.
Balcombe held out a folder to each of them. "Here's what we know so far. You start tomorrow morning, so you've got the next twenty four hours to read these through." Lily picked up the thick folder, feeling a tad nervous, despite her earlier confidence. Scorpius looked bored. "Your Ministry approved aliases are in there as well. You'll be posing as caretakers for the house, should you still be around when the Muggles move in."
"Unlikely," Scorpius murmured arrogantly. Lily hoped he was right, and her association with him would go back to as little as possible after the stupid bloody case.
"We'll see," Balcombe grunted, and put his cigar down, drinking his coffee. "Now get the hell out," he said gruffly, and Lily practically jumped to her feet, Vanished her chair, and all but scurried to the door. Scorpius snorted again, and followed much more sedately.
"Looks like I get to play baby sitter for a couple weeks," Scorpius said as Lily went back to her desk.
"Huh, I was about to say the same thing," she snapped, marching faster. Scorpius, with his long legs, kept pace evenly.
"Yeah right. You don't even know who Forrester is," Scorpius scoffed.
"Doesn't matter," Lily growled. "I'm still not going to need your help," she added imperiously, "but I have no doubts you'll need mine."
The blond pureblood grinned, then grasped her arm, halting her forward momentum abruptly, and hauled her against himself. Lily glared, shocked into speechlessness, and hated that her heart beat excitedly as he leaned in close. "There's only one thing I need from you, Lily," he rumbled, and Lily licked her lips, unable to help but glance at his full, sensual mouth.
"Oh?" she breathed weakly, her body responding in all the right ways to Scorpius's proximity and the almost touching of their bodies. The redheaded witch hated that fact, but couldn't ignore it.
"You bet," he rumbled, and leaned in impossibly closer, and Lily was half fearing, half hoping, he would kiss her. "Don't get in my way, don't get yourself killed, and please, at least try, to shut the hell up."
For a long moment, Lily merely stared at him, as he pulled back a little, and then realized she was an idiot. Why on earth or in the name of fucking Merlin would Scorpius even want to kiss her? And better yet, why ever would she consider letting him!? After all this registered, she stepped away from him, looking far angrier than the pureblood had ever seen her.
"I hate you, Malfoy," she hissed viciously, and then, to his shocked surprise, slapped him across the face, and none too gently. "Go fuck yourself. ...And that was three things!" Scorpius watched her stomp back to her desk, and then turned around and headed for the exit. He had his next assignment, no point in sticking around. Not even if he'd just noticed, that when she got really, really pissed, Lily Potter was kind of a babe. He reminded himself she was Al's nerdy little sister, and his latest partner for an undercover mission, and pushed the tempting thoughts of what her plump, angry mouth would've tasted like aside. He scowled as he got into the lift, flicking open the folder in his hands. He really did hate Whitlock Forrester, and his twisted sense of humour that always involved dead or tortured Muggles, and hoped to Merlin that Little Potter would, for once, not blunder into a mess of trouble. Although he knew that was in vain.
So instead, he thought about how best to get the job, whatever it may be, done quickly, and scanned vaguely over his undercover identity. He almost laughed aloud, because, unless he was hallucinating from lack of sleep, due to an ugly lamp that had tried to rip a chunk off his leg, he was pretty sure he'd be going undercover with Lily Potter as her husband. And while a part of him rejected the notion on principle, he found himself looking forward to the next morning as he strode into the Atrium. Because while he was displeased with the thought, he was positive Lily would be apoplectic with rage, all fired-up and righteous. And that would be fun to toy with, undoubtedly, even if he reckoned he might end up bearing the brunt of Lily's fury.
Maybe getting saddled with Little Lily Potter as his partner on this case wouldn't be so bad after all… Just maybe.
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