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Content Warning: Contains some foul language, largely thanks to Shannon
The sunlight glistening off the lake, combined with the precise camera angle that left the rather nice-looking cliffs in shot, while also cutting off the junk infested beach to the right and the bear eating an albatross to the left managed to give this particular corner of Canadian-flavoured hell a fairly convincing disguise of 'hey, maybe this isn't so bad'. Those illusions were cracked when a man popped into frame out of seemingly nowhere. He was somewhat handsome, the feature that marred his face the most being his unnaturally small beady eyes. His hair was black, and contained enough product to render the result of 6 hours of post-production nigh-useless in diminishing its artificial shine.
The illusion of safety cracked even further with his introductory line of "Yo!". Those two words, laced with an ungodly amount of ego, betrayed exactly what type of reality show this was going to be. It was gonna be one of those shows. The one with the host whose more interested in himself than anything to do with the contestants, the one where half of said contestants are complete idiots, a quarter are evil, an eighth are just plain weird, half of those remaining are some combination of the above categories, and the sliver that remains (a whole sixteenth of the contestants, for those mathematically inclined. Which in a cast of 24, gives us one and a half contestants) could be considered somewhat normal. The host continued on his big introductory ramble.
"We're coming at you live from Camp Wawanakwa, somewhere in Muskoka, Ontario" this was a lie. By the time the first broadcast hit the airwaves, the show had been over for three weeks, and a winner already declared. Several news outlets had purportedly leaked the winner, but no-one believed any of them due to the fact that of the 17 major showbiz tabloid publications in Canada, 12 of them got different contestants, and none of them were correct.
"I'm your host, Chris Maclean" as Chris said his own name, the amount of ego in the air around Muskoka became so thick as to register on weather satellites "Dropping season 1 of the hottest new reality show on television, right now!"
There was a needlessly brief drumroll, and the cutaway to Chris walking down a completely different dock gave away his previous statement that the show was live as the lie it was.
"Here's the deal:" he said as he walked down the dock "24 campers have signed up to spend 8 weeks right here at this crummy old summer camp" At this he paused in his wandering
"They'll compete in challenges against each other, then, have to face the judgement of their fellow campers" The camera zoomed in suddenly on Chris's face, almost going to fast and hitting him with the lens. To his credit, he didn't flinch, and continued his monologue as if nothing happened.
"Every 3 days, 1 team will either win a reward, or watch one of their team members walk down the Dock of Shame, take a ride on the Loser Boat" he stopped briefly to chuckle at his own joke "and leave Total Drama Island for good"
Another cut, continuing to tear to pieces the illusion of live television (or the myth that teleportation is impossible), saw Chris suddenly burst into view on a rock overlooking a campfire pit, complete with 12 'seats' that looked more like lumps of rotting wood arranged in 2 rows.
"Their fate will be decided here, at the dramatic Campfire Ceremonies, where each week, all but one camper will receive a marshmallow" during this sentence, Chris demonstrated once again his miraculous ability to teleport by disappearing from the rock face and walking into the campfire area from the gate on the opposite side. As he said the word 'marshmallow' he grabbed one of the hyper-concentrated balls of sugar and ate one, before tossing the stick it was skewered on away. The faint sound of someone being hit in the head and a cry of "HEY!" would be edited out.
"In the end, only one will be left standing, and will be rewarded with cheesy tabloid fame, and a small fortune which, let's face it, they'll probably blow in a week" throughout this explanation, Chris continued to defy the laws of physics, first by producing a set of tabloid magazines with his face on it, and a treasure chest loaded with gold and jewels, both from seemingly nowhere; a place to which they disappeared just as fast
"To survive, they'll have to battle black flies" cut to a swarm of flies "grizzly bears" pan down to an angry grizzly bear swatting at the flies "disgusting camp food" cut to an overgrown maggot with a face and moustache, who greeted the camera with a "Hey now"
"And, each other" Chris went on as the camera cut back to him at the dock "Every moment will be caught on one of the hundreds of cameras situated all over the camp" the shot cut to first a camera in a bird nest about to have worm regurgitated onto it, then to a camera haphazardly duct-taped to a totem pole. It then cut back to Chris, who was making excessively dramatic poses like some sort of anime character.
"Who will crumble under the pressure? Find out here, right now on Total. Drama. Island!"
In the TV edit, at this point a title card would fly into place when Chris finished his dramatic intro. In reality, Chris just moved about on the dock a bit
As the title card literally fell off the screen, the show cut back to Chris on the dock
"Welcome back to Total Drama Island!" he said with flourish "Alright, it's time to meet our first 12 campers. We told them they'd all be staying at this five-star resort, so if they seem a little TO-ed, that's probably why" there was a vaguely malicious glint in his eye as he added this last part.
On cue, a boat pulled up to the island, and dropped of the first contestant. It was a fairly short girl, with brown hair tied up in a high ponytail. She had on a thick pair of glasses, and was clad mostly in green, though sported a pair of bright pink pants that miraculously didn't clash as much as one might think
"Beth! What's up?" Chris greeted her. Beth's response was to run up and deliver a flying hug to the host
"It'sth stho incredulousth to meet you!" she exclaimed, before dropping off the slightly weirded out Chris and adding "wow, you're much sthorter in real life." Those brief sentences revealed her most distinctive trait, the thick braces that saw a gallon of spit fly out her mouth with each sentence and left her with an incredibly noticeable lisp. Evidently confused, Chris could only respond with "uh, thanks" while Beth began waving to the camera.
As if sensing the increase in awkwardness around the dock, the boat (or maybe a different one) came back, and dropped off the second contestant. And this one was pretty much the exact opposite of Beth. He was African-Canadian, sported a fairly nice-looking chin beard, and in contrast to Beth's diminutive stature, he was both incredibly tall and incredibly well built. He was wearing a white skull cap, a green t-shirt with the letter 'D' printed on the front, and grey shorts.
Chris greeted the man-mountain with a simple "DJ!", which was presumably the giant's name.
"Yo! Chris Maclean!" DJ began as the two hi-fived "How's it going" he then paused to examine his surroundings "Hey, you sure you got the right place here? Where's the hot tub at?"
"Yo dawg, this is it: Camp Wawanakwa!" Chris replied, sounding even more insufferably smug than usual. DJ shrugged, picked up his bags, and wandered off to join Beth at the end of the dock
"Looked a lot different on the application form" he mumbled to himself as he went.
Out of literally nowhere, a new contestant appeared, this one a girl with pale skin, dark clothing and hair that alternated between black, dark teal and a lighter teal.
"Hey Gwen" Chris greeted the new arrival. She stalked over to him, the look in her eyes betraying a vaguely murderous desire. Eh, goths, go figure.
"You mean we're staying here?" she asked, with the word 'here' coming off with the same tone as one might say 'a dumpster', or 'the morgue', or 'Swindon'.
"No" Chris began, still smug as ever "You're staying here. My crib is an airstream with AC thataway" he said, pointing to somewhere vaguely behind him. The vague murderous desire in Gwen's eyes became more defined as Chris went on
"I did not sign up for this" she snapped, looking perfectly willing to strangle her host. Chris only smirked at her
"Actually, you did" he pulled out a large pile of papers (from seemingly nowhere, mind you) with the word 'CONTRACT' written at the top in blood red lettering. Gwen ripped the papers out of Chris's hand and, in a shocking display of strength, ripped the entire thing in two and dropped the pieces in the water with a satisfied smirk. Chris remained unfazed, however.
"The great thing about lawyers is, they make lots of copies" with an evil glint in his eyes, Chris pulled out another bundle of papers from nowhere, continuing his trend of routinely violating the laws of physics. Gwen simply picked up her bags and turned around
"I am not staying here"
"Cool" said Chris "I hope you can swim though, because your ride just left" he gestured to the departing boat
"Jerk!" Gwen spat as the stomped off to join the others.
The next boat arrived not long after, and there was a resounding 'THUD' as its occupant tripped on his way out and faceplanted on the dock with a pathetic sounding 'ow'. In his fall, he managed to toss one of his cases up in the air, and it landed on the back of his head with a smaller thud and an even more pathetic 'ow'. The boat departed as contestant 4 staggered to his feet, revealing a short, very thin boy wearing a bright white hoodie, grey skinny jeans that just looked like normal jeans on him, and on his head was a blue bucket hat and horn-rimmed glasses
"Adam! How ya doing little guy?" Chris greeted as Adam nervously walked over, clutching a notebook to his chest
"Oh, u-uh, okay, I guess" he stuttered out, the nervousness in his voice coating every word like icing on a cake. His voice was pretty high-pitched, almost prepubescent in tone, though a lot of that could have been attributed to nerves
"You sure dude? You look like you're gonna faint" Chris continued in his usual vaguely mocking tone
"N-no, I'm fine" he replied as he trudged timidly over to the other contestants, making sure to stand as far away from them as possible. When he got to the dock, he opened up the notebook, took a pencil out from one of his pockets, and began to jot things down, occasionally looking at his host or fellow contestants, and immediately looking away when they looked at him.
As he was doing this, the sound of loud party music could be heard rapidly approaching as the fifth boat drew near. Atop said boat was a guy with blond hair largely hidden by a cowboy hat, and a pick button-up shirt that was completely unbuttoned, revealing a fairly muscular chest. He leapt from the boat, did a flip, landing in a handstand on the safety rail, then flipped off of that and stuck the landing on the dock. Someone on the boat tossed him his suitcase, and it landed next to the guy as he gave a thumbs up.
"Chris Maclean!" he practically yelled as he walked up to the dock. They fistbumped, and the guy continued "'Sup man, it's an honour to meet you man" Chris responded with finger guns
"The Geoffster! Welcome to the Island man"
"Thanks man"
"If they say 'man' one more time, I'm gonna puke" cut in Gwen from the end of the dock. Geoff and Chris hi-fived as the sound of an outboard motor indicated the arrival of contestant 6.
"Everybody; this is Lindsay" Chris gestured to a blonde girl with cowboy boots, a miniskirt and crop top, a blue bandana and the largest set of tits this side of the Atlantic. "Not too shabby" Chris stage whispered to the camera
"Hiii~" Lindsay sing-songed. She looked at Chris with confusion for a moment "Okay, you look so familiar"
"I'm Chris Maclean" said Chris, as if expecting applause. Lindsay merely stared at him blankly. "The host of the show" he added, with confusion
"Oh, that's where I know you from." From the end of the dock, Gwen pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed heavily
"Uh, yeah" was all Chris had to say as another boat (or was it the same one?) pulled up at the dock. Out from the boat stepped a tall girl of possible Asian descent, with long black hair, a pair of sunglasses, a crop top somehow even shorter than Lindsay's and a pair of extremely short shorts. As she stepped off the boat, she lowered her sunglasses to glare at her fellow competitors, prompting a roll of the eyes from Gwen, nervous looks from DJ and Lindsay, and a faint 'eep' from Adam
"Heather" Chris greeted. Heather ignored him, and strolled past the host to stand with the other contestants. Before she could reach the dock, however, she was approached by Beth with an enthusiastic "Hi! Lookth like we're your new friendth for the next eight weekth!" Every word of that sentence was accompanied by a litre of spittle, prompting Heather to back away, disgusted.
The live demonstration of the effect of orthodontic treatment on the process of expectorating was cut off by the sound of loud guitars coming from the next boat. On the prow was clearly a juvenile delinquent, complete with black skull shirt, a spiked collar, a green mohawk, and enough facial piercings to set off every metal detector in a half-mile radius. He jumped off the boat and glared at Chris
"Duncan, dude!" Chris greeted.
"I don't like surprises" Duncan threatened as he balled his fist. Chris, however, remained unfazed in the face of such impending violence.
"Yeah your parole officer warned me about that man. He also told me to give him a holler any time and have you return to juvie." At the mention of the word juvie, another 'eep' could be heard from the end of the dock, once again from Adam. Duncan just snorted, and walked off to the end of the dock
"Meet you by the campfire gorgeous" he leered at Heather as he walked past
"Drop dead you skeeze" was her response. She then proceeded to stalk over to the large pile of cases that had accumulated, complaining all the way.
"I'm calling my parents, you cannot make me stay here" Chris just grinned and pulled out the contract again.
The horn of a boat sounded, and the boat it belonged to came speeding into view, pulling behind it a boy clad in a red tracksuit and red bandana on water-skis
"Ladies and gentlemen, Tyler!" Chris proclaimed. Tyler waved, but quickly lost his balance, fell off his skis, and began skimming across the water, before flying off the dock and landing in the pile of cases, scattering them about the place. One of the stray cases hit Adam in the face, and he was knocked back into the water. The splash from Adam's impact ended up getting Heather soaking wet as well, and she began complaining about her shoes
"Wicked wipeout man!" called Chris. Tyler's fist emerged from the pile of cases, and quickly morphed into a thumbs up. Geoff and DJ gave each other thumbs up, Gwen just rolled her eyes, and Adam struggled to pull himself up from the dock, his bucket hat now obscuring his vision. Chris began giggling at Heather's misfortune, until he was interrupted by a long sigh. He turned around to see a lanky ginger with glasses, a blue shirt and a few hairs on his chin that barely passed as a beard
"Welcome to Camp, Harold." Harold just looked around
"What'th he looking at?" Asked Beth, providing voice to most of the campers' thoughts. Except Heather, who was wringing out her hair and glaring at Adam, Lindsay, who was transfixed by a passing butterfly, and Adam, who was wringing out his hat and cowering away from Heather's glare.
"So you mean this show is at a crappy summer camp and not on some big stage or something?" Harold eventually asked
"You got it!"
"Yes!" came the response from Harold as he fist-pumped "That is so much more favourable to my skills" Chris shuddered as Harold walked past.
"Contestant number 12 is Trent" Chris announced as the next contestant walked up, trying desperately to move on as quickly as possible. He was a fairly tall guy with black hair, a green shirt with a hand on it, and was carrying a guitar case.
"Hey, good to meet you, man" Trent greeted Chris "Saw you on that figure skating show, nice work" Chris and Trent fist bumped
"Hey thanks man, I knew I rocked that show!" For the first time, a note of an emotion that wasn't smug satisfaction or concealed anticipation entered Chris's voice, instead it was genuine pride
"I thaw that" cut in Beth "One of the guyth dropped hith partner on her head! Though they got immunity that week"
"Lucky" added Harold "I hope I get dropped on my head"
"Me too" said Lindsay, who was far too excited about the prospect of cranial trauma.
"I could've sworn he's the one who dropped his partner" Adam mumbled to himself mostly. But regardless of intended audience, that comment produced angry glares from both Heather and Chris, and Adam quickly shut up with a whimper.
"So, this is it" Trent asked, steering the conversation back to its original topic. He looked at the assembled group of misfits, from Heather still wringing out her hair and glaring at Adam, to Gwen's look of total boredom, to Harold, who had just stuck his finger in his nose
"Alrighty then" he stepped forward into the crowd, and wound up next to Gwen. He smiled at her, and she turned her head away in a huff, but couldn't stop the small smile that formed on her face.
The next boat to arrive had a girl with a surfboard on it. She had her blonde hair in a ponytail, and was wearing a blue hoodie and denim shorts, and rounded off the look with what appeared to be flip-flops, the most practical of footwear.
"Hey, what's up?" the girl asked Chris as she stepped down from the boat
"Alright! Our surfer chick, Bridgette, is here!" Chris delivered with his usual false enthusiasm. From the ever-growing crowd, Duncan snorted
"Nice board; this ain't Malibu, honey"
"I thought we were gonna be on a beach" was Bridgette's response
"We are!" cut in Chris proudly, gesturing to a beach covered in junk, including a seagull with one of the things that binds six-packs of beer together round its neck. A wave then carried the seemingly immobile seagull off into the water. Bridgette just sighed, and muttered "Great"
"Alright, that makes-" Chris was cut off from his announcement by Bridgette leaning down to pick up her stuff, resulting in her whacking Chris on the head with her surfboard
"Ow!" he rubbed his head "Darn it, that hurt!" Bridgette ignored him, and walked over to the other campers, greeting them with a "Hey guys."
It was Geoff who responded to her first "Hey, I'm Geoff." He walked around to the other side of her. Bridgette turned to face the party dude, and as a result her board swung around, causing all the campers to have to duck. Well, all except Tyler, who had stopped paying attention and was knocked into the water with a faint "Oof!". No-one paid attention to Tyler as Harold piped up
"Hey, watch the board man." No-one paid Harold any attention either
"Hi! I'm Beth" said Beth (duh) from the other side of Bridgette. She turned again, this time sending Adam flying into the water. This time, however, people paid attention to Adam, likely due to the loud cry of "BWAUGH" he let out as he fell into the water for the second time that day.
"Oh my god, are you okay?!" exclaimed the surfer girl as she dashed over to where Adam had taken the plunge and began fishing for him. A few seconds after falling in, he surfaced, spitting out more lake water, and Bridgette grabbed him by the arm and pulled him onto the dock.
"I think I swallowed a fish" came the now hoarse voice of Adam in between coughs as Bridgette continued to fret over him. He began coughing again, and sure enough a small fish eventually emerged from the Wallflower's lungs, flopped around on the deck for a few seconds before slapping both Adam and Bridgette in the face with its tail and jumping back into the water. Meanwhile, a certain Queen Bee had finished wringing out her hair and was becoming impatient
"Great job surfer girl, is there anyone else you want to bludgeon or can we get on with the show now?"
"Someone missed their double cappuccino macchiato this morning" came the sneering voice of Duncan from the other side of the crowd
"Get bent"
While this discussion was happening, another boat had come around to the dock and dropped off the next contestant, an Indian boy with brown hair and a red sweater vest
"Our next contestant is Noah!" Chris proclaimed with markedly less enthusiasm, still rubbing his head.
"Did you get my memo about my life-threatening allergies?" Was Noah's attempt at a greeting
Chris was now back to his normal false-cheery self "I'm sure someone did"
"Good, is this where we're staying?" Noah asked as he walked over to the other campers
"No, this is your mother's house, and we're throwing a party" cut in Duncan yet again, cracking his knuckles
"Cute, nice piercings original, do them yourself?" was Noah's response. Duncan then proceeded to grab him by the lip and stretch it far beyond normal human capacity
"Yeah, you want one" Noah just sighed
"No thanks, can I have my lip back please?" Duncan obliged, and Noah responded with an incredibly deadpan "Thanks."
Noah went off to stand beside Adam, who had gotten up and was wringing out his hat again, as the next camper arrived to the sound of a rap beat
"Wassup y'all, Leshawna's in the house" came a call from a… uh, large black girl with hoop earrings and her hair in a weave. Harold let out a gasp at the sight of her, for some reason.
"Yo baby, hey how ya doin, how's it goin?" She asked rapid fire as she walked past Chris, giving him a hi-five along the way "Feel free to quit now and save yo'selves the trouble cause, I came to win"
She arrived at DJ "Oh wassup my brother?" she hi-fived him as well "gimme some sugar baby!"
It was then that Harold popped into frame, standing apparently on air
"I've never seen a girl like you in real life before."
"Excuse me?" Leshawna replied with a playful smirk. Harold stopped levitating and came back to the dock to reply
"You're real big. And loud" Leshawna's face immediately shifted into an expression of anger
"What did you say to me? Oh no you didn't!" the other campers sensed immediate incoming violence and either backed away, or rushed to hold the sister back as she continued her rant "You have not seen anything yet, I'll show you big, baby" She was about to pounce on Harold when DJ and Bridgette managed to hold her back, while Harold struck a series of martial arts poses
"Oh yeah, you want some o' this, well c'mon then!" Leshawna kept yelling as she struggled against the two holding her back
"Alright campers, settle down" Chris was actually being responsible, for the first and last time. Leshawna glared at Harold, while Harold gave an innocent smile and backed away a few paces. Meanwhile, two new campers had arrived
"Ladies, Katie, Sadie, welcome to you new home for 8 weeks!" Chris greeted the two girls. They were dressed identically, both wearing a zebra stripe tube top and pink short shorts. Physically, Katie was the taller, thinner and more tan one, while Sadie was shorter, paler, and er… bigger. Despite their dismal surroundings the two seemed ecstatic to be there
"Ohmygosh, Sadie look, it's a summer camp!" Katie said far too cheerfully
"Okay, I always wanted to go to summer camp" said Sadie, somehow sounding even more cheerful. The two girls then let out an incredibly high-pitched "EEEE!" that left most of the campers holding their ears in pain.
No sooner had the wonder twins dashed off to be with the other campers than the next camper arrived, a boy with brown hair wearing a green hoodie and a toque.
"Ezekiel! What's up man?" Ezekiel looked up and pointed to the sky
"I think I see a bird" came the response in a thick Canadian accent. Several campers snickered at this.
"Okay, look dude, I know you don't get out much." Chris said as he put his hand on Ezekiel's shoulder "Been home schooled your whole life, raised by freaky prairie people. Just don't say much and try not to get kicked off to early, okay?"
"Yes sir" said Ezekiel with a salute as he walked off to join his campmates
"That's just… wow" was Gwen's reaction. But before anyone else could make disparaging comments about Ezekiel, the next camper arrived, a short boy with chestnut hair and a noticeable gap in his teeth
"Cody! The Code-ster! The Codemeister!" Chris greeted, the sarcasm in his voice lost on the new arrival; the two hi-fived, and Cody walked off with an overcompensating swagger in his step
"Dude, psyched to be here man" he came up to Bridgette, Lindsay and Leshawna "I see the ladies have already arrived, alright" the overcompensating swagger in his step was somehow over-overcompensated by the swagger in his voice. He walked past, but then quickly doubled back to say something to Leshawna. She cut him off quickly with a finger on his lips and a "Save it, short stuff." He got the hint, and dashed off to stand by Adam at the end of the dock. As he did so, the next camper arrived. It was an incredibly muscular looking girl clad in blue gym gear, with black hair in a ponytail, and a unibrow.
"Eva. Nice. Glad you could make it" Chris gave off no signs of fear as Eva stomped past without a word. She ended up next to Cody, who held up his hand for a hi-five. She left him hanging, and instead dropped her bag on his foot. He leapt back with a yelp, clutching his foot and hopping on the other foot for a bit.
"What's in there, dumbbells?" he asked when the pain died down enough to enable speech. Eva glared at him and simply replied "Yes". At this, Duncan nudged DJ and stage whispered "She's all yours man" Eva heard, and shot a much fiercer glare at Duncan.
The boat came around again, but this time nobody paid it much attention, as they were too busy trying to slowly back away from Eva. They did, however, pay attention to the loud cry of "WOO-HOO" that came from the contestant that dropped off the boat. It was a guy so large he put DJ to shame, but where DJ was large through muscles, this guy was large through excessive eating. He was blonde, and was wearing a football shirt with a maple leaf on the front and the number '0' on the back
"Chris! What's happening?" The giant practically yelled. He broke down in giggles, then composed himself just as quickly "This is awesome! WOO HOO!" Clearly, this contestant did not have an indoor voice.
"Owen! Welcome!" Chris yelled back, but his volume paled in comparison to Owen's. Owen gave the host a hug that was accompanied by the sound of something breaking.
"Awesome to be here man! Yeah!" Chris had finally dropped his smile, and was instead in clear pain. Owen paid it no attention "Man, this is so..." he lost his train of thought for a moment
"Awesome?" suggested Gwen from the dock
"Yes!" He yelled back at her "Awesome! WOOOOO! Hey, are you gonna be on my team"
"Oh I sure hope so" The sarcasm dripping from every syllable of Gwen's sentence flew straight over Owen's head (an impressive feat given his height), and he let out yet another "WOOOO"
"You about finished?" came Chris, apparently no longer in pain. Owen put him down
"Sorry dude, I'm just so psyched!" Before Owen could let out another yell or hug/crush someone else, the sound of bagpipes could be heard from the approaching boat. Stood on top of the railings on the prow was a girl trying her best to keep her balance on the moving boat. The most distinctive part of her was her hair, which reached as far as her chin at its longest point, and appeared to have been brutally attacked by a series of visually-impaired barbers armed with blunt scissors, as the bottom had been cut in a wildly inconsistent zigzag pattern. The biggest zig was the hair in front of her face, which zagged down into a fringe that covered the entire left side of her face including her left eye; her one visible eye was blue. She wore a leather jacket, beneath which was a shirt with The Clash printed across the chest; on her legs were ripped jeans that looked as though the rips were unintentional, and her shoes were plain black trainers.
As the boat pulled into the dock, the bagpipes stopped and she hopped off the prow, swaying a bit on the landing. As she righted herself, her suitcase was thrown from the boat, which she deftly caught as she turned and waved to the crowd. And it was as she opened her mouth that the major malfunction of this contestant was revealed:
"Aye howzitgoan' a'body?" she happily declared to the confused stares of her fellow contestants. Yes, if the bagpipes weren't a big enough giveaway, Shannon was Scottish, and had the thickest accent ever heard outside of Edinburgh.
"Is thhe thpeaking Englith?" asked Beth to no-one in particular. She was met with naught but confused shrugs.
"Shannon. Uh, hi" even Chris was stumped
"Chris Maclean, ya wee bastart!" she cheerily yelled as she slapped Chris on the back, apparently a bit too hard, as he almost fell over with the impact. He staggered back upright as Shannon was looking around "Aye, ye didnae fuckin tell me we were gointae be in this shitehole". Chris took a moment to compose himself from the consecutive back injuries, and then gave Shannon an actual response
"Okay, first of all, watch the language, censors cost money, second of all, surprise! Welcome to your new home for up to 8 weeks!". Shannon raised her one visible eyebrow at the host, then sighed and walked off, grumbling to herself all the way
"Oh sure Shannon, sign up fer the show on th' telly, it'll be fun." she looked around again and shrugged "Ah well, it still beats a summer wi' Angus."
"Okay, does anyone have any idea what she's saying?" apparently, Gwen was fed up with having a contestant no-one could understand. No-one had any idea, so Gwen just sighed and Shannon entered the crowd, trying to strike up conversations with people, but such attempts were thwarted by her incomprehensible accent an vocabulary that sounded like it was 50% made-up words.
"Anyway, here comes Courtney." Called Chris, evidently try to bring the show back on the rails. Courtney was a tanned girl, or maybe Hispanic, with brown hair and a grey t-shirt on over a white shirt. She was stood at the prow of her boat, waving cheerily to people
"Thank you" she said to Chris as he helped her down from the boat. She walked over to the now pretty large crowd
"Hi! You must be the other contestants, it's really nice to meet you all." Owen immediately leapt forward to greet her.
"How's it going? I'm Owen" he said while enthusiastically shaking her hand for far too long
"Nice to meet you Ohhhhhhhhh wow" Courtney trailed off as she saw the next contestant to arrive. It was a Hawaiian guy, with black hair containing almost as much product as Chris, and a physique that screamed 'male model'. Almost every girl in the crowd, and also Owen, stared at him with unmasked adoration. He flashed a smile to the camera on the boat, and some of the contestants could swear they saw his teeth glint in the sunlight. As he stepped off the boat, Sadie fainted, and Eva started drooling.
"This is Justin" announced Chris "Welcome to Total Drama Island." He and Justin fist bumped.
"Thanks Chris, this is great" came the reply from the beauteous god of a man. (Or so I've been told he is that. I like girls. Shut up).
"Just so you know, we picked you entirely based on your looks" Justin shrugged
"I can deal with that." It was then that Owen ran up
"I like your pants" he exclaimed
"Thanks man" apparently such a comment did not weird Justin out. Maybe he was used to it. That or he was just good at hiding it
"'Cause they look like they're all worn out" Owen chuckled "Did you buy them like that?"
"Uh, no, just had them for a while"
"Oh. Cool!" Owen then smacked himself in the head "Stupid!" Justin took his place in the crowd, Beth and Katie, the latter dragging the unconscious Sadie, both immediately rushing to stand by him.
"Hey everyone, Izzy" Chris called, trying to drag the camper's attention away from Justin and onto the final contestant to arrive.
"Hi Chris! Hi everyone! Hi!" called Izzy as she ran across the boat. She was a redhead girl clad in a green crop top with a bizarrely placed opening right between the chesticles, and green short shorts and a wraparound her waist. She managed to yell out one last "Hi!" before she tripped over the railing at the front off the boat and feel out, bashing her jaw on the dock as she fell into the water
"Oooh, that was bad" cut in Tyler for the first time, Meanwhile, Courtney ran up to the end of the dock where Izzy fell in
"Guys, she could be seriously hurt" she began as she pulled Izzy out the water, who for some reason had a manic grin on her face. Izzy shook her hair dry like a dog
"That felt… so… good!" she exclaimed as she stood up "Except for hitting my chin. Is this summer camp? That is so cool! Do you have papier-mâché here? Are we having lunch soon?" she asked at a million miles per hour
"That is a good call!" yelled Owen, unsurprisingly
"First things first" proclaimed Chris dramatically "We need a group photo for the promos. Everyone on the end of the dock!" The group obliged, some grudgingly, and Chris performed a near superhuman leap onto the boat, having pulled a camera out of nowhere.
"Okay!" Chris called, setting up the camera "One! Two! Three" The group posed and waited for the flash. But it did not come
"Oops" the campers' faces fell "Forgot the lens cap. Okay, hold that pose! One! Two!" the campers' faces fell yet again as Chris stopped his picture taking for the second time
"Oh. No wait. Card's full. Hang on."
"C'mon man, my face is startin to freeze" yelled Leshawna
"Got it! Okay, everyone say, 'Wawanakwa!'" The campers obliged, and as they did, the dock collapsed underneath them, sending them plunging into the water. Several sounds could be heard from the group, most of which were screaming, but the ones that weren't were a fed up "not again" from Adam, joyful whooping from Izzy, a cry of "Oh you son of a bi-" from Gwen, and a massive tirade of curse words, half of which were seemingly made up, from Shannon.
"Okay guys, dry off and meet at the campfire pit in 10"
A cluster of bubbles began to rise to the surface of the lake, eventually arranging themselves in the shape of the work "Fuck". A few seconds after it formed, Shannon emerged from the lake in the same spot, and one by one the rest of the campers reared their heads, Gwen apparently having not stopped ranting about the horrific tortures she was going to inflict on Chris. Evidently, goths do not like impromptu swimming trips.
The group waded into the shallows and stood up in the knee-deep water, none of them looking particularly good for their trip into the lake. Well, Justin looked good but that's pretty much a fact of life (I still like girls). Gwen's makeup was running, making her look like she came straight out of some obscure Asian horror movie; Tyler's headband kept falling in front of his eyes and making him run into things, Shannon's hair now covered both eyes rather than just one, Leshawna's weave had somehow turned into an afro, and Adam was coughing up another fish.
For 23 of the campers, the fall into the lake was little more than the first in a very long line of misfortunes brought upon them by their host. For a certain tech geek however, the fall into the lake and the subsequent trudge onto the shore turned into one of the defining moments of his life.
For it was during this trudge, as Cody finally made it onto the shore and looked back onto the lake to see if there were any campers behind him, that something caught his eye. It wasn't the scary looking punk muttering what were likely threats on Chris Maclean's life that drew his gaze, nor was it the pink-shirted party boy's frantic search in the water for his cowboy hat. No, what caught his eye was the sight of the goth girl, whose name he never caught, angrily marching out of the lake with a fierce scowl on her face, ranting to the sky about the incredibly violent things she wanted to do to their host. For whatever reason, Cody was transfixed. And in a fact that would surprise him were he aware enough to detect it, he wasn't transfixed by the fact the hot goth girl's top was soaking wet and practically transparent. In fact, were he to look back on the moment, Cody wouldn't be able to pinpoint what it was that drew his attention. It could have been the way the wet strands of the girl's dyed hair framed her face; it could also have been the fire he saw in her dark eyes as she threatened to removed from Chris Maclean body parts he didn't know existed. But, whatever the reason, her hair or her eyes, the effect on Cody was the same, even though he wouldn't know quite what had happened for a few days.
But regardless of his present awareness (or lack thereof), in that moment Cody Anderson fell in love
After everyone had dried off, Cody had shaken off his Gwen-induced stupor enough to use his higher brain functions, and several girls (and Owen) had gotten over seeing Justin shirtless, the 24 teens headed off to the campfire pit. It, like the rest of the island, seemed to them to be well below standard. They were greeted by the seemingly omnipresent Chris Maclean, who gave a dramatic bow and continued his spiel from earlier
"This is Camp Wawanakwa, your home for the next 8 weeks." The campers had, with surprisingly little squabbling, managed to decide who got to sit down and who didn't. All of them were listening somewhat attentively to Chris, or at least as attentively as teenagers get.
"The campers sitting around you will be your cabin mates, your competition, and maybe even your friends. Ya dig?" Chris went on. Harold gave Duncan a smile, who responded by shaking his fist and glaring at the nerd.
"The camper who manages to stay on Total Drama Island the longest without getting voted off will win 100,000 dollars!"
"'Scuse me" asked Duncan "What will the sleeping arrangements be? Because I'd like to request a bunk under her" he gestured to Heather. Heather did not respond to Duncan, instead opting turning to Chris
"They're not co-ed, are they" she asked, a note of worry slipping into her voice
"No. Girls get one side of each cabin, dudes get the other" Heather let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding and a brief muttering of "Oh thank god." Duncan meanwhile, simply wandered off to go bother some wildlife.
"Excuse me, Kyle?" this time it was Lindsay piping up "Can I have the cabin with the lake view since I'm the prettiest?" several female campers showed Lindsay some pointed looks at this comment, chief among them Heather, but she paid no notice
"Okay you are, but that's not really how it works here, and; it's Chris" Lindsay forgetting Chris's name seemed to be the thing that had annoyed him the most so far on the island
"I have to live with Sadie or, I'll die!" said Katie
"And I'll break out in hives, it's true!" said Sadie
"This cannot be happening" lamented Gwen. She lamented even more when Owen caught her and Tyler in a hug that looked like it was cutting off their air supply
"Aw, c'mon guys, it'll be fun! It's like a big sleepover!"
Tyler gestured to Duncan; "At least you don't have to sleep next to him." Duncan, at that moment in time, was giving a passing deer a noogie, which might constitute animal cruelty, but I can't check, my lawyer stopped returning my calls after my seventh conviction.
"Here's the deal!" yelled Chris back at them "We're gonna split you into two teams, so if I call your name out, go stand over there" He gestured to the right-hand side of the campfire pit
"Gwen; Trent; Heather; Cody, Lindsay; Beth; Katie; Adam; Owen -" Chris was cut off from his reading of the list by Owen letting out a loud "WOOO!", the sheer force of which knocked over Tyler. Chris gave Owen a glare, then went back to reading the list
"Leshawna, Justin and; Noah!" the campers who had been mentioned stood up to stand in the general area where Chris had gestured "From this moment onwards you are officially known as: The Screaming Gophers!" Chris proclaimed as he tossed Owen a green banner with an angry looking gopher silhouette on it
"Yeah! I'm a gopher" Owen declared proudly "WOO!"
"Wait!" Katie piped up again "What about Sadie?" Chris ignored her, and continued on the schedule
"The rest of you, over here" he gestured this time to the left-hand side of the campfire "Geoff, Bridgette; DJ; Tyler; Shannon; Sadie; Izzy; Courtney, Ezekiel; Duncan; Eva and; Harold! Move, move move move, move!" The remaining campers all scrambled to the other side of the campfire, minus Sadie and Courtney
"But Katie's a Gopher!" she practically screamed "I have to be a Gopher!"
"Sadie, is it?" Courtney placed a comforting hand on Sadie's shoulder "C'mon, it'll be okay"
"This is so unfair!" Sadie yelled as she let Courtney gently lead her to the rest of her team "I MISS YOU KATIE!" she called to her friend
"I miss you too!" Katie called back as she dropped to her knees in anguish
Meanwhile, Chris had thrown the other team a red banner, which had been caught by Harold
"You guys will officially be known as: The Killer Bass!" the banner was unrolled to reveal another silhouette, this one of an angry looking fish, presumably a bass
"It's awesome" declared Harold "It's like, amazing!" he continued, redundantly.
"Alright campers!" Chris called, getting the attention of everyone who wasn't Katie or Sadie, who were both still reaching out for each other futilely. "You will be on camera in all public areas during this competition."
Confession Cam – Oh hey, that's my cue
Chris: "You will also be able to share your innermost thoughts on tape with video diaries any time you want. Let the audience at home know what you're really thinking. Or, just get something off your chest"
Gwen: "Um, okay; so far this sucks"
Lindsay: "I don't get it, where's the camera guy?" Lindsay asks, standing up and facing the exact wrong way
Duck with lipstick: [Duck noises]
Owen: "Hey everyone, check this out; I have something very important to say" Owen says, not yelling for the first time. He then farts, and begins cackling to himself
"Alright, any questions?" Chris asked rhetorically "Cool. Let's find your cabins"
After a brief walk of about 2 minutes, the (mostly reluctant) campers had arrived at the cabins, which, compared to the rest of the campgrounds they'd seen, were in fairly decent condition. Nothing looked like it was going to collapse on them, and both cabins had walls, a door, a roof and no broken windows.
"Gophers, you're in the east cabin; Bass, you're in the west." Chris explained as he gestured to each cabin in turn
The large group split off into its teams, then each team into the boys and girls of each. It was the Gopher girls who made it to their cabin first
"Bunk beds?" Heather said to no-one as she opened the door "Isn't this a little summer camp?"
"That's the idea, genius" Gwen commented as she shoved past her
"Ugh, shut up weird goth girl". It was at that moment the unnoticed tagalong of the girls group made themselves known. It was Cody, who had returned to his love-struck stupor and had been quietly following Gwen since the teams had been announced.
"You're so smart; I feel that" he proclaimed, clearly expecting a reaction other than the one he got. Not sure why, but there you go
"Shouldn't you be on the boys' side?" Gwen asked with a glare. Cody could only grin sheepishly at her as the goth grabbed him by the back of his shirt and threw him out the cabin in a shocking display of strength; he flew a good 6 metres, landed face-first in the dirt and then skidded another 3, firmly embedding him in the ground. The only Gopher boys still outside were Trent and Adam; Trent just gave him a weird look and walked off, while Adam bent down to check on the destitute man's Casanova
"Um, y-you okay?" Cody's response was a series of very muffled murmurs, but it sounded vaguely negative, so Adam continued with his 'help'
"You need a hand?"
"Yth plth." This time Cody's muffled words could actually be interpreted through the dirt around his mouth. Safely assuming it to be a 'yes please', Adam grabbed Cody by the arm and began trying to pull him out the ground, with limited success at best.
"Where are the outlets?" said Lindsay to the host "I have to plug in my straightening iron"
"There are some in the communal bathrooms" Chris responded with a malicious twinkle in his eye "Just across the way"
"Communal bathrooms, but I'm not Catholic?" Lindsay asked, confusion clearly visible on her face. Adam paused in his attempts to pull Cody out the surprisingly deep hole his face had dug to give Lindsay a bemused look, before resuming his pitiful attempts to pull the wannabe ladies' man out of the ground.
"Not 'communion'. Communal" Chris explained. Lindsay still looked confused, so Gwen, who had wandered outside, piped up
"It means we shower together. Idiot" she said as she sat down on the stairs. Lindsay looked like she was about to cry, before wailing to the sky "NOOO! Di-bu-the aww c'mon" The wail was enough to bring severe pain to Gwen's eardrums, draw several Gopher boys out their side of the cabin, and send a hairline crack running though Adam's glasses.
"I'm glad we're in our own cabin, with just guys, know what I mean?" Owen said to Trent and Noah. He chuckled, then realised the implications of what he just said "I mean, no, I didn't mean it like that! I looove chicks; I just don't wanna sleep near them. I mean…!" As Owen raced back inside to try to reassure his bunkmates of his heterosexuality, Adam finally manged to pull Cody out the ground . There was a loud 'POP', and Cody flew a few feet in the air, before landing on his face again a few feet away. He murmured a "Thank you", and Adam pulled him up a lot easier this time. The two trudged back to the cabin, going into the correct side this time.
"Excuse me, Chris" asked Geoff with false innocence "Is there a chaperone of any kind in this facility?"
"You're all 16 years old, as old as a counsellor-in-training at a regular summer camp" Chris said with a knowing look "So, other than myself, you'll be unsupervised. You've got a half an hour to unpack and meet me back at the main lodge, starting now!"
"Nice" cheered Geoff to himself as Chris walked off. Any further conversation was interrupted by an incredibly high-pitched scream from the girls' side of the Gopher cabin, accompanied by the sounds of several panes of glass shattering, and a very loud 'THUD' from the boys' side as someone (that someone being Owen) fell off his bed in surprise. From the Bass cabin, a cry of "Who th' fuck's bein murdered?!" could be heard from Shannon. Tyler, Gwen, DJ, Harold, Heather, Duncan and Leshawna all rushed to see what was going on. Well, Harold tried, but his glasses had shattered along with the windows and he ended up tripping over a log.
"Damn that white girl can scream" noted Leshawna as the group peered into the cabin to reveal Lindsay stood on a stool trying to get as far away from a cockroach as she could
"What is it? Kill it! Kill it!" she panicked, while DJ let out a scream almost as high-pitched as Lindsay's had been and leapt onto a bed, which broke under the impact of the gentle giant.
"That was my bed" Gwen lamented as Harold, who had found another pair of glasses, rushed into the cabin to try and stomp on the bug. Several of the girls jumped onto the beds, Lindsay jumped onto DJ's shoulders, and those left on the floor tried to squish the bug beneath them. Several other campers came running to see what all the commotion was about, though Adam didn't make it as his glasses had also broken from the screaming and he ran into a post. The bug crawled over to Duncan, who had produced a woodsman's axe from somewhere, and he brought the weapon down upon the unsuspecting insect, splitting it, along with several floorboards, in two. There were general murmurs of approval from the crowd.
It was then that Tyler made himself known to the terrified Lindsay "If you ever see one of those again, just let me know, 'cause, y'know" he sniffed "I could do that too". For whatever reason, this attempt at cashing in on someone else's success worked, and Lindsay looked at Tyler like he had just saved her from a burning building.
"They always go for the jocks" said Duncan to the interested parties of no-one. The fuss over the tiny insect still trying to wiggle around despite having been bisected over, the campers headed back to their respective cabins to begin unpacking
For such a simple task, unpacking somehow managed to take all of allotted half an hour (well, 26 and a half minutes after the cockroach debacle was dealt with) for a large portion of the campers.
The Gopher boys got off the easiest. Once Adam found another pair of glasses (his having also been shattered by Lindsay's scream) and Cody had picked out all the dirt in his teeth, the only person left unpacking was Owen, who had scattered his stuff to the four winds during his tumble off the bed. Once the 2 tons of fun was done gathering his underwear from off Noah's face, much to the Bookworm's chagrin, all the boys were done; and with 10 minutes left before the meet up in the lodge, talked about why they signed up for the show. Justin wanted to use the show to advertise himself to modelling agencies, Trent was looking for something to do during the summer, Owen was just looking for a good time. Noah said he was seeing if his 'fantasyland survival skills could apply to real life', whatever that meant. Cody had said he was looking to, and I quote, "pick up as many girls as he could with his Codemeister charms", accompanied with finger guns. He was met with laughter and a conciliatory pat on the back from Adam. And as for the Wallflower, he never got to answer, as by the time he was done stammering, it was time to leave the cabins for the mess hall.
Their neighbours, the females of the Screaming Gophers, were not having such a pleasant time. Katie was still snivelling over the distinct lack of Sadie in the Gopher cabin. She was the only one unaffected by the commotion in the middle of the room, which was an argument between Heather and Leshawna, with Gwen occasionally providing a few snarky comments directed at the former. Beth and Lindsay were cowering in the corner, trying to get as far away as they could from this devastating clash of alpha females that quickly devolved into little more than an insult-slinging competition, the likes of which would never be seen again outside of contemporary American politics.
The Killer Bass, meanwhile, had things a lot calmer. The male side had almost the exact same discussion as their counterparts in the Screaming Gophers. Duncan was there to win, Harold wanted to test out his mad skills, Ezekiel was signed up by his parents to get him experience interacting with real teenagers; DJ wanted to win the money so he could take his mama back home to Jamaica, Geoff wanted to party hard, and Tyler was there to prove his athletic prowess to any and all sports scouts who may be watching. He demonstrated said prowess with an attempt at a standing jump onto his bed. The result was him smacking his head on the ceiling, bashing his chin on his bed on the way down, the impact of which brought the bed crashing down around Harold, who had been reading a comic book on the bunk beneath.
The girls' side of the Killer Bass, while unable to have this discussion due to incidents in the cabin, were nowhere near the level of dysfunctional the Gopher girls were. Bridgette was trying to console Sadie over the Katie-shaped hole in her heart. No-one wanted to talk to Eva for fear of suffering severe injury, no-one wanted to talk to Izzy because she was insane, and no-one could talk to Shannon even if they wanted to because no-one understood half of what she was saying, which left Courtney able to have a conversation with no-one.
The Main Lodge
"Listen up!" came the yell of the large African-Canadian man stood at the kitchen hatchway of the main lodge. Currently, there was a line of 24 teenagers snaking its way around the hall, almost doing a complete circle of the room. The chef, before serving his food to the campers, had decided he was going to yell at them a bit
"I serve it three times a day! And you will eat it three times a day!" despite being a summer camp cook with a comically undersized chef hat, he gave off the air of an army drill sergeant, and was glaring at the campers with barely contained anger. Presumably he hated this as much as they did.
"Grab your tray, grab your food, and sit your butts down now!" he kept yelling as the first two campers, Beth and Harold, stepped up to the counter. Despite his yelling and his forearms with a similar circumference to your average hubcap, Beth thought it wise to question his culinary practices
"Excuthe me, will we be getting all the major food groupth?" she asked, clearly not as intimidated by the man as she should have been. Chef dropped a blob of reddish-brown… stuff on the tray as Harold piped up
"Yeah, 'cause I get hypoglycaemic real bad if I don't get enough sugar" Harold didn't notice the twitch in Chef's eye as he went on, but everyone in the hall was aware of chef's reaction
"You'll get a whole lotta SHUT THE HELL UP!" the angry man yelled at the skinny nerd. Harold ran away as fast as his bony legs could carry him.
"Have a cow" whispered Owen to Noah. Of course, Owen's whisper is the same as a normal person's slightly-quieter-than-normal voice, and Chef overheard
"What was that?!" Owen looked at the chef of short temper with a look of surprise as Chef beckoned him over "Come closer fat boy, I didn't hear you."
"Um, I didn't really say anything important" Owen stammered as Chef continued glaring.
"I'm sure you didn't" Chef turned to Noah "You! Scrawny kid! Gimme your plate" Noah obliged, and chef gave the bookworm an extra helping of slop. The slop then proceeded to jump back onto Chef's ladle. Chef shook the stuff off again, and this time it stayed on Noah's plate. Noah stared at it with a raised eyebrow and a deeply troubled look on his face, and ran off to join Owen.
Further down the line, Leshawna was attempting to make friends with Eva, approaching her the best way she knew how, with a "Yo wassup girl". Eva's only response was to glare at Leshawna, then grab her food and stalk off. "Oh it's gonna be like that, is it?" Leshawna responded after Eva was out of earshot. From behind the sister, Shannon let out a snort and slapped Leshawna on the back
"Ah, dinnae worry about the Bridge Troll, she's had a stick up her arse since we got here" the Scot proclaimed happily, noticing too late that her friendly slap had sent the other girl crashing to the floor. "Oops" she chuckled nervously as she held out her hand to pick Leshawna up.
"Damn, you one crazy strong white girl ain't ya?" Shannon shrugged as she helped the other girl up
"Happens when ye grow up in Glasgow. Ye should see me da', he makes Heston Blumenthal here look like a dormouse"
"What was that?!" came the yell of a rather irate Chef. Shannon just smiled innocently as she picked up her tray "Nothin to worry yerself over, Heston." She let out a laugh when she saw a vein pop in his forehead. As Shannon walked off, Chef turned angrily to Leshawna
"You got any smart comments, maggot?" Leshawna shook her head and grabbed her food, not wanting to risk blowing the volcano that was Chef.
More and more campers filed on through; Duncan tried acting smart about the food and got a face full of slop for his troubles, Izzy began diving into her food at the counter, not bothering with utensils or even her hands; Adam received a similar treatment to Noah, only he received three helpings instead of two, and he could have sworn his food was glaring at him; Heather looked about to complain, but a glare from Chef quickly shut her up; Trent poked his slop with his fork, and the slop poked the fork back. Eventually, the last two campers to get their food showed up: Lindsay and Gwen.
"Excuse me, my nutritionist says I shouldn't eat anything with white sugar, white flour, or like, dairy" Chef ignored the blonde, instead focussing on a fly buzzing around his head. He caught it first try, and the squish of its death was audible to both girls. Gwen glanced down at her food
"I don't think that's gonna be a problem" she commented as her slop twitched. Lindsay, ever oblivious to just about everything, just replied "Cool!" and happily picked up her tray and walked off. Gwen, meanwhile, had a bit more to say
"Okay, I hate to be predictable and complain on the first day, but I think mine just moved." Chef said nothing, and instead procured a mallet from under the counter, and smashed the slop, sending bits of it flying all over both himself and the goth, his expression never changing throughout.
"Right. Okay then" was all Gwen could muster as she flashed a fake smile and rushed off away from the mad chef
Things were dour at the Gopher table. Most of the campers were trying to get through the slop with small bits to try and limit the amount of the stuff they let into their system at a time. The exception to this was Owen, who had simply lifted his tray above his head and tipped the contents into his mouth. After a few seconds of chewing, he spat out the plate, which was somehow still intact. Everyone else looked at him weirdly. A few seats down, Katie was reaching out longingly for Sadie, who was sat as close as the Bass table would allow her. Two seats down from Katie, Heather had taken one bite of the slop and immediately spat it out, and was now glaring at it as if expecting it to morph into something more palatable. Next to her, Noah had given up resisting and was just trying to get through the stuff as fast as he could. At the end of the bench, Gwen was just staring dejectedly at her meal, trying not to think of the terrible decisions that had led her to this place. Across from Gwen, Trent had adopted the same strategy as Noah, though his eating was interrupted by the occasional sidelong glance at the goth across from him, which Gwen seemed to ignore. In the seat beside Gwen, Cody took one mouthful, then immediately spat it out. He gave up trying to eat that and pulled a chocolate bar out of his pocket and began nomming on that, not noticing the death glare Chef shot him when he saw the sweet. While eating said cocoa-based confectionary, he kept trying to start a conversation with the camper next to him, which was Adam. Adam however, clearly did not have conversation with other people in him yet, as he kept stuttering and clamming up whenever the conversation called for responses of more than a few words. He hadn't even bothered trying his meal, instead pulling a sodden sandwich out from his hat and eating that instead. When Chef saw this, his death glare intensified. This glare Adam noticed, and he tried to make himself smaller that he already was, an impressive feat to say the least.
At the Bass table, things were going a little better. For starters, there was more than one person apparently enjoying Chef's cooking. Izzy, as mentioned previously, had just dove straight in, and was finished earlier than any of her teammates, her face covered in twitching, rust-coloured slop. Ezekiel, meanwhile, was eating the food like a normal person; presumably prairie food was comparable to whatever it was Chef made. The final camper enjoying their meal was Shannon, who was tucking into the meal with gusto. When questioned on this by Courtney, she just responded with "When ye've tasted the shite me da' calls cookin, anythin edible becomes a godsend". Courtney, meanwhile, was not enjoying her meal. She kept poking at it, taking a tiny bite, and then making a face as if she'd just sucked on several lemons. Duncan, used to terrible cooking from his time in Juvie, was just powering though as best he could, as were Tyler, Eva, DJ and Geoff. Harold, however was struggling, and after about 4 mouthfuls he spat it out with a "Gosh! This tastes like cat food." Finally, Bridgette had just refused to eat the food, justifying it with her being vegetarian and the slop clearly being alive.
As the campers ate their, uh, 'food', the aura of ego that preceded Chris Maclean washed over the mess hall, and a few seconds later, the man himself arrived, with a "Welcome to the main lodge" that was completely redundant seeing as they'd all been there for 10 minutes. The only person to respond to this was Geoff
"Yo, my man, can we order a pizza?" Any response Chris may or may not have given was cut off by Chef hurling a meat cleaver just over the boy's head, taking Geoff's hat with it and impaling the two on the wall.
"Whoa! It's cool G! Brown slop is cool! Right guys?" all the other campers frantically nodded in agreement. Except Adam, who's food decided to leap off the plate and at him, but no-one paid him any attention. Completely unfazed by this attempt on one of his camper's lives, Chris went on in his same, smug voice
"Your first challenge begins in one hour!" he proudly proclaimed as he left. A few seconds of silence passed, which were interrupted by a loud 'SLAM' as Adam crushed his hostile lunch beneath his notebook. The slop flew all over the place, painting a nice recreation of a Picasso on the wall, and sailing between several Gopher heads to land squarely in Heather's face. Adam let out a faint whimper as Heather wiped the slop off her and shot a look at the wallflower that would have killed a herd of elephants, had looks been given such power over life and death. No-one else paid Adam any attention as Sadie turned to DJ
"What do you think they'll make us do?"
"It's our first challenge, how hard can it be?" DJ replied with a confident smile on his face
"Gosh, way to jinx us!" Cried Harold from the other side of the table. Under his breath, he muttered a much quieter "Idiot!"
Atop the impractically tall cliff of Wawanakwa Island stood the 24 campers and 1 host. All campers were clad in their swimwear, and it was painfully obvious what Chris was going to have them do. DJ was the first to speak.
"Oh shit"
"I told you so" said Harold
So concludes the actual chapter 1 of Genesis of the Island. We're back to the where it all began with two additions, because what the fuck even is originality any more. In retrospect, I used far too much of the canon episode than I should've. But, I've planned most of this out, and we should see serious divergence by the Awake-A-Thon.
But anyway, what did you think? Like it? Hate it? Don't care either way? Please, leave a review, whether it's saying its good, saying its bad, saying nothing in particular, actual constructive criticism, or calling me a two-faced illiterate son of half a dozen whores with bad breath and gout. Anything works really.
Special thanks go to my university, for providing me with a free copy of Microsoft Office, the usual suspects of writers (Kobold Nechronometer, Winter Rae-Gun, Jason Krueger Austin Powers, Rufus The Serendipity, and every other author on this site I've read whose names I couldn't come up with an affectionate misnomer for) for inspiring this; and lastly, thanks to my shift key for not working half the time, you inconsiderate fuck.