Chapter 1

"Rem, I was merely saying that if we'd called for Fred we could have stopped at the market on the way, but nooooo! You wanted to take a taxi to get here faster!" Laura groaned as the elevator door opened slowly.

Remington shook his head as he stated, "Laura, I simply must take a shower, and climb into my bed... or rather, OUR bed" he added with a grin, hoping this would be the end of it.

Laura looked at him in disbelief, "And what about when your need for a hot meal supersedes your need for a warm bed, Mr. Steele?" Unnoticed by the bickering pair, a woman stood, expression doleful and hair in a tight bun. Arms crossed; her face grimaced further as the Steeles' argument intensified.

"Perhaps we could have slept and you wouldn't feel so exhausted now if you hadn't been drawing the attention of every stewardess on the plane like some...some..." Laura stalled in search of the right word and finally spat out, her eyes flashing, "philanderer!"

Remington halted mid-step, a look of utter shock and outrage contorting his features, "Philanderer?!" he retaliated as Laura spun to face him. "You're calling me a philanderer? Well, you know what you are? You're a… a… a fussbudget! That's it!"

Laura's eyes widened as her jaw fell wide open and she stretched herself to her full height and spat back indignantly, "A fussbudget? I am not a…." She paused, her sleep-deprived mind suddenly whirling and confused. "Wait… what exactly IS a fussbudget?"

"YOU are! Always demanding perfection… first a less lumpy pillow, then a softer blanket. If not for all the fuss, I wouldn't have had to smile and appease the ladies," Remington dropped his luggage in the middle of the hall to find his keys.

Laura rolled her eyes at the ceiling as he patted each pocket, searching for his keys. "And what about that waitress in Greece?" Laura was not giving up that easy, "She was practically in your lap during dinner..."

"My lap?! Let's talk about that pool boy at the hotel. He nearly tripped over his own hose ogling you in that scrap of material you called a bathing suit," Remington snapped. "I don't know where those damn keys are!"

Laura dropped her luggage on the floor beside his and pulled her purse from her hip. "Here," she shoved a set of keys at him before she continued, And that bathing suit, MISTER Steele, was the same bathing suit YOU selected for me to wear to the hot tub with Doctor 'hands-on' Gridley when we were on the case at the Golden Dugout! I should know better than to EVER trust you with our MOs. You just love to demean me in typically sexist costumes!"

Remington clenched his jaw and bellowed, "For YOUR information, I pick those costumes for MY entertainment, Miss Holt, not for the benefit of every Tom, Dick, and Randy that comes along!"

"Ahem," the woman who stood in the shadows shifted from one foot to the other, her monotone voice sending a chill through Remington and Laura, who stood frozen in shock. "...Still as harmonious as ever, I see," the woman drawled.

"Ms. Lynch! What an unexpected… um...pleasure!" Laura said sweetly, her tone suddenly saccharin.

Without the slightest acknowledgment of Laura's greeting, Gladys Lynch, the Immigration officer who had been assigned to investigate the Steele's tuna boat wedding, turned the full force of her interrogational tone onto Remington with a barrage of admonishments, "Mr. Steele. It's been nearly four weeks; I've left messages, I've sent memos by courier, I've stood here numerous times waiting for someone to answer, all on the government's dime. Care to inform me of your whereabouts during all this time?"

Remington and Laura stood stock still, like two errant school children and, after an awkward silence, Laura took the reins, "Ms. Lynch, Mr. Steele and I have been traveling. We're just getting back now. Why don't we all go inside and we can explain. Would you get the bags, Dear? And I'll get the door." She snatched the keys that Remington had been clutching and stormed to the door, Gladys following closely behind.

Remington tried to reach after Laura as she whirled away from him, but she was in too much of a huff to notice. He reluctantly gathered the bags and stood miserably, looking like a pack mule, while Laura fumbled for the right key. "Nope, not this one... not this one either..." Gladys hovered over her watching with a smug expression. Laura looked back over her shoulder and laughed nervously, "keys... they all look alike, don't they?"

"Mmm. Evidently."

"Ah, got it! Fourth time's the charm, right?" Laura said triumphantly as she blew upwards on her unruly bangs, and, opening the door a bit too vigorously, stumbled in. With a grand gesture, she waved Gladys in, saying, "Welcome to the Steele residence!"

"Yes, I've been here, if you recall."

"Oh yes, of course!" Laura took her bags from Remington as he wedged his way through the door.

She immediately brought her luggage into the bedroom and dropped everything onto the bed, Gladys following her every step. "What do you mean, you've been traveling? Your absence has been extensive and I've begun assembling the paperwork to process Mr. Steele's deportation," she said pointedly.

Remington had dropped his luggage on the bed across from Laura's. They both looked at Gladys, slack-jawed, then back at each other.

"Why don't I rustle us up some refreshments while you ladies move this into the living room to sort it out? I'm sure you'll all be much more comfortable there," said Remington, his voice rather strained as he guided Laura toward the doorway, leaving Gladys standing in the middle of the room. He poked his head back through the doorway and added, "Coming, Ms. Lynch?"

"I am waiting for an answer." Gladys stood, arms crossed, an eyebrow raised.

In the living room, Laura reached for Remington trying to hold him back, whispering, "Rem, we don't have any food here and what do you suggest I say to her?" Ignoring Laura's question, he hastily made his way to the kitchen. Just before he disappeared through the door, he turned and whispered back, "I'll make some coffee and you... just...tell her the truth!"

Laura turned around, her arms waving in exasperation, just in time to see Gladys emerge from the bedroom. Looking around, the stern woman asked irately, "Where did he go now?"

"He's ...um...making coffee," said Laura. She gestured towards the couch, added, "Would you like to sit down?"

"No, I would not like to sit down. I am here to get answers," Gladys snapped.

Remington appeared in the doorway, rubbing his hands together as he interrupted, "So, Ms. Lynch, what brings you to our humble home?"

"I am here to find out where you are coming from and where you have been all this time?" she reminded him with a groan.

Laura began, "Well, we were on our honeymoon..."

"Your honeymoon!?" Gladys echoed in disbelief. "Another one? Didn't you already have one in Mexico?"

"Yes, well, we extended it by a few weeks and several countries," offered Remington helpfully.

Gladys turned to him with a glare, propping her hands on her hips. "What do you mean you extended your honeymoon?"

"Well, we were not satisfied with our time in Mexico and when a case led us to London, we decided to seize the opportunity and try for a honeymoon there. But we weren't satisfied with that either for...er...several reasons...and then, news of my inheritance..."

"What inheritance?" Gladys' interrupted, her frown deepening.

Trying hard not to smile, Laura continued, "Mr. Steele inherited a Castle from the Earl of Claridge. Which now makes him a Lord, but only in Ireland..."

"And in Ireland, where we finally started to feel like we were having a real honeymoon, we actually invited our families to come celebrate with us and we ended up getting married AGAIN with all of them present," Remington concluded with a toothy grin. He and Laura looked at each other and back at Gladys, nodding vigorously.

Gladys covered her forehead with her hands and shook her head. "Just a moment. Since when does 'Remington Steele' have an inheritance, and from whom?" she asked incredulously.

Laura and Remington looked at Gladys, speechless. After another awkward silence, Remington stood abruptly and said hastily, "Er... I think I hear the kettle boiling... Excuse me." He walked swiftly back into the kitchen where they could hear him bustling about.

Laura was looking after Remington as he disappeared through the kitchen door. Reluctantly, she turned back to the cross looking Ms. Lynch who continued her interrogation, "And you got married in Ireland? What about your wedding prior to your unwarranted travels around the globe?"

Laura laughed nervously, "Um, well..."

"And why the second wedding?" Gladys wasn't backing down.

Laura forged on, "Our first wedding was such a rushed affair, and When we reached Ireland, one thing led to another and it felt appropriate to have another wedding with family present."

Laura watched nervously as Gladys whipped out a pen and notebook, saying, "Your family?" She pinned Laura with an icy stare, pen poised.

Laura looked from the pen to Gladys and, clearing her throat, and listed her family members that were present. Gladys's pen worked furiously across the page of the notebook, as Laura continued, "...and some friends from back home and Mildred of course...and...then, there was all of Remington's long-lost kin..."

At this Gladys raised her eyes sharply just as Remington returned, carrying a sparsely laden tray with coffee, and a small dish of cookies. He stumbled slightly as he placed the tray on the table, as Gladys demanded, "Remington Steele has family in Ireland?!"

Remington laughed nervously before offering jovially, "How about a coffee break? Ms. Lynch, please do sit." When she did not move, Remington gently took Laura's elbow and guided her to join him in sitting down. Gladys Lynch stood by austerely while Remington and Laura helped themselves. With a scowl, she needled further, "I would like to know where this extended family appeared from?"

Remington painfully swallowed a mouthful of dried out cookie crumbs while Laura washed hers down with a belt of weak coffee, "Forgive us, we haven't eaten since Athens..." said Laura, her eyes watering slightly as she wolfed down another cookie.

"Athens? Don't tell me..."

Remington cleared his throat, a smile playing at his lips, Laura holding back a smile, as they clasped hands, "Yes, we topped our honeymoon off on Mykonos for three days and two glorious nights." Laura blushed profusely at his final comment.

"Well, I hope you have the necessary documents to prove all of this and the purpose of your travels," Gladys snapped.

Laura and Remington released their hands and fidgeted nervously. "It will take some time for the paperwork to catch up with us," she stated.

Gladys put her pen and notebook back into her purse, "That's unfortunate. And, with this… extended… honeymoon," Gladys continued with a scowl, "would it be safe to assume you have more than one photograph this time?"

Laura shrugged meekly and mumbled, "Also delayed in transit?" and trailed off dejectedly.

But Remington piped up, "We did help the Irish authorities apprehend a notorious drug dealer, though!"

"Oh yes!" Remington Steele always gets his man!" said Laura gleefully, linking her arm with Remington's.

"Indeed! We clapped that rotten Doyle in irons in classic gumshoe style!" he exclaimed.

Laura's smile fell, "Um... Dear... his name was McDonough..."

Remington gave her a side-eye, rebutting, "No, it was Detective McDonough and the drug lord was Patrick Doyle."

Laura argued back, smiling through her teeth and elbowing Remington, "No, it was Detective Inspector Patrick Doyle of the Royal Ulster Constabulary and Edwin McDonough from Dublin."

Then Remington smacked his forehead, "Of course! I always get those two names mixed up!"

Gladys narrowed her eyes at the bickering pair, "Hmmm..., forgive me if I am having a hard time grasping this one. Do you have any witnesses or any proof of these events?"

"Well, we don't have any paperwork handy..." muttered Laura and Remington chimed in, "but Mrs. Steele was involved in a near-deadly mine collapse and suffered a serious head injury... here, Laura..." Remington gently moved her head to the side, trying to push her travel-weary matted and tangled hair out of the way looking for the scar, "See, here, Ms. Lynch..."

Gladys begrudgingly leaned over giving it a cursory glance, and said, "That looks old..."

Remington frowned, saying, "Well, it was a month ago," then he wrapped his arm around Laura's shoulders affectionately giving Laura a gentle noogie, adding, "and after all, she has such a hard head! A serious accident on the job is all in a day's work for her!"

"Thanks, Dear," Laura groaned sarcastically.

"I think I've heard and seen enough for today. You can expect another impromptu visit at either here or your office or even your apartment," Gladys said, angling her cold gaze towards Laura.

Laura sat up straight. "Oh, there won't be any need to stop by my loft. It's going on the market in the next few days," declared Laura, earning a look of surprise from Remington.

"In any event, I'll be in contact soon. I'll show myself out," Gladys left the apartment without saying another word.

Laura and Remington scrambled to follow her out the door, Remington calling after her, "But Ms. Lynch, you didn't have any coffee..."

"No thanks, I don't drink coffee prepared in a kettle."

After she had disappeared through the elevator doors, the Steeles stood, looking in her direction forlornly, "Well, THAT was a disaster. I hope the authorities don't show up on our doorstep tomorrow..." said Laura dejectedly, folding her arms in surrender.

Remington put his arm around her giving her a friendly shake, "Oh, come now, Laura. It wasn't so bad. After all, you and I both know I'm legal and it's just a matter of time before my identity and citizenship is confirmed on paper in this country... a-a-and..." he looked at her with a shy smile, "...it's not as if you've decided to break it off and are packing your bags for your loft..."

"Hmph," Laura teased, giving Remington a sly side-eye, "...I still haven't forgiven you for those sexist outfits."

"But Laura, forgive a man, instantly smitten, capitalizing at every opportunity to exploit the finest iteration of the female sex to cross his path in all his extensive travels..."

An involuntary smile played at Laura's eyes as they opened wide and she said, "Has that line worked for you before, Harry?!"

"Don't know yet..." Laura began to giggle and soon broke into cascades of laughter as Remington swept her off her feet, "... and the name is Remington."

Remington turned towards the door with Laura in his arms, "It seems we haven't yet christened the threshold of our current home, Mrs. Steele."

"What about a hot meal?" Laura asked innocently.

Remington paused, and winked at her, "I just happen to know the number for a local grocer who delivers."

Laura smiled, brushing Remington's errant lock of hair aside as she leaned up to kiss his cheek, "Oh, Mr. Steele, you think of everything."