Disclaimer:

This is a fanfiction is a spinoff, based on the anime timeline and taking creative liberty, without any intentions to be included into the official canon. Any characters and references belonging to Puella Magi Madoka Magica are property of Shaft Inc. and credited to its creator, Gen Urobuchi.

All comments and feedback are welcome in the review section. Without further ado, please enjoy!

Puella Magi: Crimson tears

by Lewis II

Letter 1.

Dear Nelly,

There was a time I fell in love with the rain, you know? When it rained in the summer at night, I always imagined a goth girl that appeared and jumped from the wall in front of my room to my window, where I catched her between my arms and we kissed.

Yeah, middle school was lonely like that. No friends. My mom just yelling at me about stupid bullshit. My dad absent for work as usual. My computer and my guitar was the only thing keeping me afloat. Still, I was always too shy to improve my skills and become a fat teenage rockstar. Ever since we started dating I've had the fear that I might return to that body type.

It's incredible to look back and see all we've been through. I love what an incredible person you have become and I'm really surprised how well I have aged. Seriously. My dad said he started losing hair around my age. Anyway I'll cut to the chase,

I just wanted to let you know that I am truly happy with you and that I would like to talk about some of my feelings, some things I never told you. We've had few occasions to talk these days and that's normal. I just want to make sure you didn't forget what I'm about to say, so I wrote it for my little knucklehead. I know you hate that nickname.

Let's start with the first time we met.

Most love stories always start with the same cliché: I fell in love with you the day we met. To be honest, I didn't.

A day like any other, that's what it was for me. I sat there waiting for the bus, like going to class on time that day was gonna change my horrible attendance record. Still, dad would get pissed for that too. Just wanted to avoid any conflict while they discussed about the mistake of letting my brother escape with his boyfriend again. I also kinda wanted to get some sunlight i guess. So I sat there waiting at the bus stop, and then, something started to bother me. It was you. A lonely girl with a permanent angry expression looking at nothing in particular. Your soft, long dark brown hair. Your eyes, dark brown to an almost black tone were accented by those very thin dark circles. That soft Ivory skin of yours (that's my mom's observation). Your thin body and slightly wrinkled white long sleeved shirt and black pants, holding some books. You seemed to be tired, more than what I've seen you lately. The idea of someone looking more miserable than me perplexed me and made me mad, reminded me how much of an idiot I am. I rode the bus as usual and glimpsed at you a second time. just another random stranger I saw before going to school.

Once I was done with the day and walked for the door, I realized next monday would the first of finals. Then it hit me, I would be 17 the next week, and next month was the graduation. No idea where I wanted to study, what I wanted to do with my life. Still, it was possible I'd fail some assignments and I was 1 year younger than my generation, so maybe I could look for new friends and figure it out. I glimpsed at Clara on a far hallway for a second or two and left. Chango was waiting for me as usual at the door. He was never there when my mom was sick or when they rejected me for that college, but he would look for me and call me a friend as long as I'd buy him another drink. That's pretty much how many human relations work nowadays I guess, searching people only for interest.

We went to the old house as usual since last year. The usual guy gave us the regular treats. A couple of potheads were laying on a couch and a needle guy was laying on the carpet. I popped up some shrooms before the shot. Figured it would be a good time to try them. It was a good training for the labyrinths I guess. So full of colors, images and sensations. Wish I could remember it better to describe them to you, but the bright colors and shapes were a recurrent element in most of them, blurring the line between dream and nightmare. Some hours later I remember walking home and falling to my bed with the sound of a TV in the distance. Felt mom's hand caressing my hair and covering me with a sheet to sleep.

Woke up in my room and rushed to look at my phone, it was saturday morning. Thought about those times I said I'd prefer to die when I was bullied. My parents were asleep. Walked up to the rooftop and gazed at the thick layer of smog over the waking city, that volcano I used to stare at as a kid waiting for an eruption. I stepped forward to the edge of our small backyard.

Couldn't do it.

The perfect moment and I ruined it as usual. Part of me felt miserable yet I felt something was contempt inside. Guess I wanted to beat the stereotype, the first junkie wanting to live. I told my parents the truth the next day and they shed a few tears, then bursted screaming into another discussion while I looked for NA's number.

Don't know how many times I've told you this, but recovery from that time was a pain in the ass. I went to therapy, my dad wasn't there, then mom said he left us but she'd never leave me. My sponsor would suggest me to find a job for experience or to distract myself, it would be the perfect excuse to avoid her and not to be rude. Tell her i didn't care if she loved him or not. What would you expect from someone who got married out of a premature pregnancy? I feel bad but even I know my mom suffered from terrible dependence and guilt for that and she sometimes can be a compulsive liar. I know it 'cuz as you might know I have some of that as well.

To be perfectly honest, although i met Bruno, Monika and Fredy and we used to hang out pretty often (talk about movies, god, music, the usual shit), I didn't feel happy for overcoming drugs. Had to repeat 3 subjects for the 2nd time and felt the stares in school when everyone found out I was a 18 year old junkie trying to finish high school and get his shit together. Had to smile, say I believed in a god and apologize to people who didn't care about me, although it was good to see mom happy. I'm not sure but I think I wanted to find some kind of big reward for changing that much. I expected to be full of friends, success and seeing a big hand in the sky giving me a thumbs up. I think that's what they see at church.

Still, I didn't care about that one girl I saw at that bus stop. Yet, i found you one day after work. I remembered chopping onions for those sandwiches and having sticky, smelly hands. Something at the back of my head said that it was a bad idea. I felt tired and wanted to go home to eat some cereal. But for the first time, something bursted out of my chest. Felt like I was crossing a barrier, something that the old me was scared to do. My life could've stayed the same. Yet, I did it. I talked to you.

"H-hey" I remember waving at you. I felt my face rushing blood as my tanned skin disguised my blush, at least I think it did. I remember seeing someone similar to you talking to Monika the other day when we picked her from school.

"Have I seen you before? You study at Bluefields? Name's Julio by the way" I stuck my smelly hand out. I tried to give my best smile but felt like an idiot.

"Leave me alone". You walked away with that judging look and left me hanging.

"That's what I get for being different, I guess" I mumbled. Started walking down the street as I wanted to walk my shame away. as I got close to the old tracks I heard what appeared to be a scream. Another mugging as usual, I figured. I rushed my pace to avoid being assaulted for the 2nd time of the month. Noticed some things starting to flare in colors and figures to distort. Multiple stop signs and track red lights started to appear in rows. Felt like some kind of insect bit my neck and tried to kill it with no results.

Just another nightmare, i thought. Just another episode. Perhaps the withdrawal kicked in several months later. I wanted to call my sponsor Gabriel again. My phone grew legs and walked away. Then I felt it: the pain, the sadness, the anger, the melancholy, the feeling when you know y'ain't worth shit and only occupy space in existence. My body started moving by itself as my consciousness separated from it. Remember seeing a train incoming as I stood in the middle of the tracks. Couldn't scream, couldn't stop. Still, the feelings didn't overwhelmed me enough to let go and kill myself. I felt strong. Decided to put my mind on living. I tried with all my might and managed to move and barely avoid the train. I suddenly stopped without making a noise. It was a cargo train and the doors of its cars opened for a show I wasn't expecting to attend.

The sound of pacing masses, train breaks, high-pitched whistles, both children and maniacal laughter, all overwhelmed me and made me feel I wasn't sane anymore. strange creatures appeared and walked in rows like a parade. Bushes and trees with cute faces walked towards me, behind them legged brushes and pencils. jars of paint with silly yet disturbing expressions. A whole parade of freaks. One of the small bastards started biting my arm and as I somehow was able to shake it away, felt the stares of his buddies ready to attack me. Guess they felt like toying with me.

I've never been good at fights, but I still remembers some of my brawls. Threw rocks at them and started punching and kicking those disturbing creatures as well as i could. One of them caught my hand and squeezed it so hard I felt my fingers being dislocated and my bones crushed. Another slided under my separated legs and scratched my inner thigh. I felt my blood gushing intensely. Kicked it away and limped as far as I could. I was surrounded with lethal life and color, thinking that I would die by the colors I loved so much back in the day.

I remember the first time I saw you wearing that dress. It struck me as lightning when I guessed its time period. A Leg-of-Mutton Sleeve khaki colored dress, a white vest with gold rivets that combined with the details of your dark green skirt. A black mini boater straw hat with a black ribbon on your head and a small white lotus flower with as a hair ornament. Leather boots with gold details. You looked like a rich girl straight outta Paris, the old fashioned ones, the ones that my great grandmother was desperate to imitate from that dictator's time. Impeccable, elegant. Totally your personality. You were surrounded by puddles of black gore and holding your trusty Macuahuitl in your right hand. My grandpa knew an archaeologist that showed me one of those at the museum. I still like yours better, with those steel teeth, carved wood body, intricate jade and jewel patterns. Sooo you.

You jumped a couple of meters in the air while you threw some of your weapons teeth with a swing as darts killing the minions. They obviously returned to its place as you kept swinging to get the leading behemoth. Some kind of horned lizard chameleon, who kept spitting its tongue with thorns, full of glowing colors like a lava lamp but with a trippy appearance, almost like a drawing that had come to life. You dodged everyone of its thrusts as giant trees appeared behind it. It lept from tree to tree as you chased it. I remember your face as you split the creature's skull in two, stone cold murder, like some kind of a la mode assassin. You reached for some kind of black light inside it and transformed it to a black marble that you stuck to an egg shaped emerald, which transformed shined intensely and absorbed it .

"Never talk of what you saw here." You said while glimpsing at me from a few steps away.

"Wh-What are you?" I softly said. Something knocked me out. Bet it was you.

Woke up with my hand bandaged. It hurt but it wasn't swallowed or felt broken. Thanks for that.

Was all a dream? Whatever it was, I swore I would not speak about it. Nobody would believe me. I stood up and saw my bandaged leg. I removed it and saw there was no such scar. Only some kind of very small dark bruise. After getting out of the shower I noticed it. A strange text on the back of my right shoulder. I ran out and looked for mom, asked her what it meant. She couldn't see anything. I spent all sunday convincing myself it wasn't there.

On monday, it disappeared. Yet my mind was plagued with questions. As I left work I ran to that bus stop. You weren't there. I really wanted to forget you, yet my mind kept pushing me forward. I felt a pain on my shoulder and saw a man in the distance towards the bridge. Somehow, it felt familiar. Saw his face with no expression, sensed a shiver that went all the way down my spine. Somehow, I knew he wanted to kill himself. I ran for it as he approached a bridge overlooking a dried river, now a trench with sharp pointed rocks and lots of really nasty garbage. Somehow I started talking to him. Tried to convince him. He wouldn't answer. He stepped forward into the edge. Then I grabbed his hand. He tried to pull and I held him between my arms. He woke up surprised and then he squinted ready to cry, his voice bursted into sadness.

"Why the fuck is life like this?" He yelled "I fucking lost everything, nobody loves me, my wife and daughter died, my parents disowned me, what reason do I have to live?" "There's gotta be a reason man" I screamed. Was my heart not me. "There´s gotta be for fuck's sake. We can't find it being dead. Please don't do it". I pulled him and we fell on the sidewalk. He started to cry while I stood up. we spoke the next day, he seemed more calm. Thanked me, gave me a big hug and told me he would be outta town for few days. Wanted to find himself but he'd be in contact with his new bff. Good Ol' Pablo was better.

You appeared right behind me that very night, with your big judging eyes. I wanted to ignore you, to let you go. But my heart interrupted as usual:

"I have to talk to you" I spat my feelings out.

"No."

"Please…"

"Can I get coffee?" you said.

"Sure"

"Ok."

(End of letter.)