AN: I need to stop starting projects that I probably don't have time to adequately work on, but I'm also close to finishing up something else, so why not? This isn't a new concept (I've looked), but I figured I'd give it a shot anyway. Updates will probably be once a month just one a random day after I get a chapter done because that seems to work best for me right now. Additionally, none of these chapters are going to be super long because they're all intended to be journal entries. If Nico isn't in character, don't hesitate to kindly let me know!

As a final note, the ellipses you'll see aren't page breaks. My intent with them is to show awkward pauses in this writing when he quickly changes subjects. Thank you for reading!

I don't really know where to begin. It's just all been sort of confusing, and it's getting hard to process all on my own. But to call this a "diary" or "feelings journal" is just stupid. That's not what this is at all. Maybe it's therapy, even though it physically hurts to call it that. I don't know. All I know is that I'm awkward, introverted, secretly not-exactly straight, and distrustful of others. So I can't exactly communicate my thoughts anywhere.

It's like my feelings keep me from reaching out to people, but that's also perfectly fine with me. Like, I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to touch people. I don't want people. It's not that they don't understand, because someone out there probably does (except for maybe the demigod and son of Hades thing), but a lot of people say they do when they really don't, and that's something I don't want to deal with.

But I also can't deal with this alone.

So I rant to myself okay.

I swear I'm not emo. Stereotypically, I probably fit the bill, but stereotypes are too binding. I just need to express all of the hurt in my head and I can't trust a person to be there for me.

Honestly, I don't really know what's bothering me in the first place. Is it being the literal son of death? Is it who I find attractive? Is it being awkward? Is it my running from the past? Is it puberty?

For some reason, puberty is the only option that doesn't scare the hell out of me.

Maybe it's just a bunch of repressed demigod-specific trauma. Maybe speculating is making me feel worse.

Now I don't want to talk about anything anymore.

It's like that moment right before you rip off a bandaid. You know it'll feel better after it's off, but you can't bring yourself to do it because it'll hurt in the process. But talking about traumatic events hurts a little more than ripping off a dumb bandaid, so I guess I could keep suffering in silence. I mean, that route has gotten me this far.

...

Well, the Argo II hasn't crashed in the time that I've been aboard, which hasn't been for very long, but with Valdez at the helm, it's a miracle we aren't all dead. The others don't really talk to me much, but that's pretty understandable. I avoid half of them most of the time, and the other half stay away naturally. Unsurprisingly, I have no problems with this sort of arrangement and sincerely hope that it continues as we press on into the future.

...

Am I lonely? Could that be part of what's wrong with me?

Ugh, I'm tired of introspection. I did too much of that in hell.

...

Well, Hazel talks to me, but I guess that's okay because we have the same dad (sort of — her dad is the Roman form of my dad, but that's just deities for you, I guess). And I generally make an exception for Hazel because I dragged her out of hell, but not because she wanted it. She got pulled out because I wanted a sister again.

There's probably a lot that I could unpack there, but I'm still not really feeling like it.

Why don't I open up to Hazel, you ask? Simple. It's because I hate pity, and if I know anything about Hazel, it's that she'd pity me right away. Pity is too sappy and would likely require sharing more feelings to dispel that pity.

Take Piper for example. Piper, unfortunately, isn't one of the ones who stays away naturally. She's actually one of the people I have to avoid the most because she really goes out of her way to talk to me. I don't really get why, but then again, she was the one who saved me in the first place. Saving me probably appealed to her maternal instincts or something, but I'd have thought that by now she would have picked up on the fact that I have no interest in speaking with or hugging her. I don't know why she bothers.

Contact tends to give me anxiety but nooo she has to mother me because I'm dark and mysterious and she saved me and I was dying.

In the grand scheme of things, we're all dying. Hell never stops reminding me that.

...

This all has been largely unhelpful. Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but who said that I wanted to heal? I just want to get things off my chest.

Now that I'm feeling worse than I did before, I'm going to stop myself here. Who knows if I'll pick this back up again.

-Nico