Chapter 1

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been—" I paused and calculated; "—six weeks since my last confession."

I cringed as I recited my transgressions to Father Pyrlig: indulging too much in alcohol to the point that I passed out; getting in a brawl outside a bar (which I was only aware of because I woke the next morning with a black eye and a split lip, and Uhtred, my best mate, told me I made a complete arse of myself); having dirty thoughts about my girlfriend (and others); self-gratification (daily)…

I didn't cringe over what I said, but more because of what I didn't say. I couldn't admit to the fight I'd had with my father, because I'd said the same thing at my last confession and begged forgiveness for it. Nor could I admit to feeling trapped and pressured by Eadith, and her family, and my family because then I'd have to admit the reason I felt that way. And I didn't tell him I fornicated with a random woman I met in a bar after another night of drinking and used birth control. I'd only gone with her out of desperation, after Eadith had teased and tormented me in an effort to get me into bed, despite outwardly appearing to be a devout Catholic, but she wouldn't entertain using birth control because it was a sin, or so she said. More likely, she aimed to get pregnant, so I'd be well and truly scuppered. I rolled my eyes. I silently begged forgiveness for all of that, including the eye-roll, and knew it wouldn't be enough. I kept doing these things, and no matter how much I confessed (even silently) it made no difference, because if I repeated it, obviously I wasn't sorry—not one bit.

Father Pyrlig told me to say three Hail Marys as he always did, but he didn't have the time to discuss my issues with me, and finally sent me on my way.

TWO MONTHS LATER

Finally, it was over with Eadith, and I felt a combination of relief and guilt. The whole situation only served to piss me off, and as tempted as I was to open another beer, I had to go to work and a taxi driver getting pulled over and charged with a DUI wouldn't help me keep my job, or the little shithole I called a home. I dragged a hand through my hair and headed out. It was Friday night. I'd be driving until the early hours of Saturday morning and then another confession loomed. It had been two months. At least if I was busy, it would take my mind off everything else for a few hours.

I always hung around the pubs and bars in the early evening, and the nightclubs later on. It was easy to get fares that way. I was just dropping off a couple outside one pub, when a girl came out, clearly looking for a ride. She had long blonde hair almost down to her arse, black clothes, and lots of dark eye makeup. She dived into my backseat like she was in a hurry, and I pulled away from the kerb without hesitation.

"Where are we going?" I asked her.

She gave me an address that was only a mile away, then explained as I turned a corner. "I know it's only a couple of minutes away, but there's this creepy guy who might follow me if I walk."

"Ah. No problem," I said. So, that's why she looked like she couldn't get out of the pub fast enough. I took a quick look in my rear-view mirror and shot her a smile. Close up, she looked vaguely familiar. Then it clicked. "You're one of Uhtred's girlfriend's mates, aren't ya?"

"Yes. Skade," she said. That was it. Uhtred had mentioned her. I'd always thought Skade was a funny name to go by. Uhtred had explained it once, but I'd forgotten.

"Nice to meet ya," I said to her. I liked to talk to my fares if they seemed like they might be receptive. It made my work less boring. "I'm Finan. So, who's the creepy guy?"

"Someone I got talking to on the Net. You don't have to say it. I'm an idiot."

I laughed and launched into a story in the hopes she might feel better about it. "We've all done it. Yes, even me. Went to meet this gorgeous young thing once—beautiful red hair, blue eyes, lovely figure. At least that was the photo she sent. Turned out to be old enough to be my mother, with greying hair dyed pink, and this horrible snaggletooth." I made a face at her in the mirror. The story was wildly exaggerated, but things like that often made people laugh. She looked like she could use one.

She giggled in response. "That's exactly what happened with me. The six-foot sexy muscleman is shorter than me, overweight, sweaty, and doesn't brush his teeth."

"Yuk. Didn't you think of trying Facetime or Skype first?"

"No. Didn't you?"

"No. More fool us, eh?" I pulled the car up outside a block of flats and checked my meter. "Here we go, Skade. Just four quid."

She gave me a fiver. "Keep the change for cheering me up. See you."

I drove off, smiling. At least I made somebody feel better. Shame I didn't have anyone doing the same for me. I didn't even see Uhtred so much anymore. He was so sickenly besotted with his girlfriend, Gisela, he spent almost every waking moment when he wasn't working, and most of the moments asleep, too, with her. It was over a week before I talked to him again when we met up for a couple of hours in the pub, and I mentioned I'd given Skade a ride. He reminded me the name was from a Norse goddess of some sort.

"Of course, you'd know that." I rolled my eyes. Uhtred had been adopted by a Danish family when he was a little kid. There were a fair few Danes in our part of the world. I seemed to remember my other mate, Sihtric, who was also a taxi driver, was Danish, or half Danish—something like that. I should make more effort to hang out with him since Uhtred was always busy. He was a nice guy and other than me and Uhtred, he didn't seem to have any friends either. He'd started driving for Winchester Fastcars about six months earlier, and I'd probably had less beers with him than I had fingers. I suppose I'd assumed we wouldn't have much in common because he was gay, which was stupid of me.

"What's going on with you, anyway?" Uhtred asked. "I haven't seen much of you lately."

"And why do you think that is? If you unshackled yourself from Gisela once in a while, you might notice the rest of us are still alive."

"Twat." Uhtred shoved my shoulder and I almost spilled my beer down myself. "I'm sorry, I just—"

"You're smitten, is what you are," I teased. "Are you going to marry her?"

"I might do." He grinned.

"Have you bought the ring yet?"

"Uh, well—" He chuckled. "I looked at some."

"Jesus, you have got it bad."

"Anyway, we were talking about you."

"We were not."

"I asked what's going on with you. How's Eadith?"

"Do not go there." I groaned and paused to gulp half my pint before I continued. "It's finished."

"Why? I thought you liked her. Weren't you raving about how gorgeous she is a while ago?"

"I'm not arguing that she's gorgeous, but she was hell-bent on settling down and getting a ring on her finger so we could have half a dozen kids by the time I'm thirty-five. Our parents are as bad. 'I don't understand you, Finan. You should be married by now. You're almost thirty, lad.'" I mimicked my mother and Uhtred laughed. "You can laugh. I'll never hear the end of it, and I feel as guilty as hell that my mother cried about it. Eadith did, too, before she went mad and tore strips off me for wasting her time."

"I'm sorry." Uhtred sobered. "I suppose you had a bit of fun while it lasted though, right?"

I shook my head. "Not with Eadith."

"You dog!" He shoved me again. "You had a gorgeous girlfriend you didn't touch, and you slept with somebody else?"

"You wouldn't get it."

"Try me."

I sighed. "Eadith was brought up the same way as me—strict Catholic. She didn't mind breaking the odd rule, and she was keen to sleep with me, but birth control is a sin, so—"

"Isn't having sex before you're married a sin?" Uhtred's brow wrinkled.

"Yes, but she didn't mind breaking that one. I wasn't going there. She'd probably get pregnant and then I'd be forced to marry her." I scrubbed a hand over my face.

"Fair enough. And you're right; I don't get it. I'm Pagan, as you know, but only loosely. I sort of believe it, but I go my own way. I don't think anything bad will happen to me if I break the rules."

"Unlike you, I spent most of my life having the rules rammed down my throat by the parents and Father Pyrlig. It's difficult to tell yourself something different when it's all you know."

"So, what will you do now?"

I shrugged. "Carry on being a single sinner for now, I guess." I certainly wasn't going to admit to Uhtred what repeatedly crept into my mind, that I didn't even want to admit to myself.