Illumi was an assassin.
It was that simple, and he couldn't think of any other words to describe himself because it was his entire purpose. In a way, it had consumed him. He was merely an assassin. One might elaborate further on that and go so far as to call him a brainwashed killing machine. A sadistic sociopath that took pleasure in the art of death, which he so frequently practiced. He supposed he might be all those things as well, but he didn't care. His parents had always told him he would never be beautiful in the eyes of others, that the entire world would frown upon him because he was nothing. Nothing but an assassin. And that was good enough for him.
Sometimes his parents would call him weak, tell him he would never be worth anything in his entire life. He didn't really mind. He knew they were only saying that to motivate him to do better, to be better, so that's exactly what he did. As the eldest Zoldyck son, Illumi knew he'd have to meet outrageously high standards to even consider himself a part of the family. And he was alright with that, because he was certain that was how families worked.
Assassins were not allowed to love anyone outside their own family, who they were expected to be undyingly loyal to. So, that's exactly what Illumi did.
However, he had also begun to wonder when it would stop. When would he be good enough for them? When would he meet their standards and win their approval? When would he find himself the perfect son in their eyes?
It seemed like nothing he ever did brought him any closer to achieving that. He tried and tried until he was so tired he could hardly support his own weight. He allowed his body to be beaten, broken, poisoned, whipped, electrocuted, cut and burned until his porcelain-pale skin was mottled with scars just two or three shades lighter than his natural complexion. He mastered every assassination technique he could think of, allowing no room for error and refusing to quit until he had all of them absolutely perfect. He dislocated his joints and tore his ligaments over and over again until he had achieved a level of flexibility only people who practiced contortionism could reach.
But it was never enough. He was never enough.
It confused him greatly. He didn't think it was possible to refine himself any more than he already had, because he'd done everything. He was completely immune to pain, he could kill even the most dangerous of targets with smooth, fluid grace, he could bend his body in all sorts of terrifying ways, and he had a seemingly infinite amount of stamina. He was, in essence, the perfect assassin.
So why didn't his parents think so?
Kikyo and Silva Zoldyck were not kind, gentle people by any means. They only cared about one thing and one thing alone: turning their children into the finest assassins the world had ever seen for the sake of their business.
Despite being the weakest, frailest and perhaps most pathetic person in the Zoldyck family, Kikyo really did make for a talented assassin. She was capable of reading her targets like nobody else, and her thin, spidery body was perfect for squeezing into tight spaces when it was required. However, a vicious attack from one of her sons had left her wearing a black visor over her eyes with a big red sensor in the middle that glowed ominously, giving her the appearance of a cyclops. Because her sight was somewhat impaired, she was no longer allowed to take on missions because Silva was afraid it would damage his family's reputation.
Speaking of Silva, he was like a god to other assassins. A god amongst men he deemed unworthy of his presence, for he treated almost everyone with a cold sort of contempt that implied he wanted nothing to do with any of them. He was almost like a lion in a sense, for he protected and provided for his family, all the while leading them toward a successful life. He was one of the most feared people on the continent, known for his inhuman speed and agility. But he didn't actually love his family. He didn't even love his own wife. She was just a means of producing valuable heirs to him.
Illumi wished he had realized it sooner.
It wasn't until after Killua stabbed their mother and one of their brothers, Milluki, and ran away that Illumi took a moment to seriously think about what his family was, what he meant to them.
Maybe they'd love me if I tried a little harder... Illumi thought to himself, crossing and uncrossing his legs at the ankles, staring down into the depths below him.
He was sitting on the roof of Heaven's Arena (a popular skyscraper that was not only the tallest building in the world, but also the place where the strongest people came to fight and make a name for themselves), allowing his feet to dangle over the edge. He had been watching as the sky changed from fiery shades of scarlet, orange, yellow and pink to obsidian black. Only a moment ago, the stars had begun to peep out of their various hiding places in the seemingly infinite blackness above, glittering like diamonds set into a smooth surface.
A nameless, uncharted city was spread out below him, so far down that the warm-looking orange lights shining out of the windows of various buildings made him feel a little dizzy.
But... I've already tried everything. I've done everything. Why don't they love me?Illumi's thoughts had been playing on a seemingly endless loop ever since he'd come up here, like a broken record.
He didn't know what to do with himself, because he'd already done everything humanely possible. He bit his lip unconsciously, twirling a large needle with a rounded golden head between his fingers. The thin, razor-sharp point made entirely of pure, stainless steel pricked the soft flesh of his palm every so often, but he payed it no mind, nor did he register the minute stinging it caused each time it nicked his skin.
What do I do now? I can't go back to them until I've found a way to improve myself somehow. If I return the same way I was when I left, I doubt my father would ever forgive me.A soft sigh escaped the ravenet's lips. Unruly strands of waist-length, shimmering black hair had begun to wave and dance about on the chilly breeze that wafted through the city. If Illumi hadn't been trained to stay perfectly still regardless of the circumstance, he probably would have shivered. It was cold. But he liked it that way. He reached behind him to tuck those strands of hair behind his ears.
Will it ever be enough? Will I ever be enough?He quickly shook those thoughts out of his head, internally scolding himself for thinking such preposterous things. His parents were pushing him so hard because they loved him. That was how families worked, right?
Right...?A soft, unfamiliar sound jolted the assassin out of his thoughts. He gripped his needle tightly, allowing himself to give off no indication that he'd heard the newcomer come up onto the roof with him. He could already see how he would kill them should they seek out any trouble. He would whirl around faster than the eye could follow, and the second he spotted his new target in his peripheral vision, he would allow his needle to fly from his hand. It would embed itself in the target's skull, right between their eyes. A smooth, perfectly executed kill.
"What are you doing up here? It's cold!" Hisoka's overzealous voice reached Illumi's attentive ears a half second later. "Are you assassin people immune to temperature, too? Ooh, how exciting!"
Illumi set his jaw in a grimly determined line, returning to his previous action: playing with his needle. "One might be able to ask you the former question." his voice was smooth and crystalline, carrying to the redheaded magician's ears in fluid, beautiful tones. "What are you doing up here? Don't you have a match scheduled later this evening?"
"I do, and that's also why I'm here. I wanted you to come watch." Hisoka smirked, plopping down beside Illumi and tilting his head to one side, regarding the assassin with sharply slanted, narrow amber eyes that seemed to catch the starlight above and glitter with an eerie, murderous light. "I know how much you enjoy seeing me mercilessly rip my challengers to shreds. Death is something you find pleasure in, is it not?"
"Eh? Don't flatter yourself. Your Nen is mediocre at best and your fighting style is languid. Sloppy." Illumi replied, refusing to spare even a single glance at the other.
He knew deep down that he was lying. Hisoka was one of the most talented, dangerous people in the world. His Nen was superior to most people's, and his fighting style was smooth and abnormally elegant, like a dance. He was also perhaps the only person Illumi looked up to. Hisoka always radiated a sort of smug confidence, as if he knew he could easily defeat anyone who dared challenge him. And he was the type of person so powerful and terrifying that he'd probably impress Illumi's parents.
"Do you just always have a collection of insults waiting for me?" Hisoka wondered, grinning like a Cheshire cat. He always looked devious, as if he were constantly planning to do something troublesome. "Or does being a brat come naturally to you?"
"Hmm." Illumi hummed noncommittally, wiggling his feet around like he always did when he was thinking about something. It didn't bother him that his legs were currently hanging over the edge of the tallest building in the world. In fact, he liked feeling absolutely nothing beneath his feet. It was the closest he'd ever come to knowing what floating felt like. "I'm up here because I wanted a quiet space to think, as a response to your first question." he said, after a long moment of silence.
Naturally, Hisoka's next question was, "What're you thinking about?"
"Things I can do to impress my parents once I return to them. The only reason I'm staying with you for the time being is because I can't show up empty-handed." Illumi replied, mechanically.
"That's terrible, darling." Hisoka actually looked sympathetic for a moment, but it was quickly swallowed up by his usual smugness. "You'll figure it out someday. After all, you can't stay away forever. Your family isn't exactly friendly, and I can totally see them literally hunting you down just to get you back within their... possession."
"You're right, you know. It's bad enough that I've already stayed away for much longer than I was supposed to." Illumi thought about it for a moment before withdrawing his feet from the edge of the roof. He drew his knees up to his chest and propped his chin up on them, staring down at the silhouetted city so far below. "Maybe I should just go back. It's not like I can do anything else with myself. I've already done absolutely everything that fits their requirements for a perfect assassin."
"What a shame. I was hoping you'd stay a little longer than just a day." Hisoka snickered, his eyes wandering over the ravenet's slender, absolutely perfect body. Illumi was narrow in the shoulders, with soft curves in all the right places. It quickly became obvious he had inherited his mother's beauty, he looked like a pretty little porcelain doll. But Hisoka knew better than to let that fool him. Lithe and beautiful though Illumi was, he was also undoubtedly hiding well-toned, corded muscles beneath his pale skin. Hisoka couldn't help licking his lips and adding, "I would have liked to get to know you better."
Illumi ignored the obvious lust in the magician's eyes, looking Hisoka dead in the face and asking, "What more is there to know about me? I'm an assassin. It's fairly straightforward."
"Assassination is not a personality trait, Illu-dear. It's a career." the magician reached up and carded his fingers through his obnoxiously bright red hair, which was slicked back like it always was. He scarcely wore it down; he didn't like how it could get in the way of his fights.
"Personality traits? I don't think I have any of those. I don't even know what they are." Illumi blinked a couple times, with obvious curiosity in those abysmal, snake-like black eyes of his.
"Everyone has a personality, darling. It's hardly rocket science."
"Well, I'm not really sure what mine is, if that's the case."
"Oh." Hisoka shrugged in an unconcerned matter, studying Illumi with his eyes like a child would a butterfly. "So, your odd, quirky behavior isn't just a façade? You're actually as cold and distant as you act?"
"I suppose. What's it to you?" Illumi asked back.
"How interesting." Hisoka said, intentionally avoiding answering Illumi's question. "I've got to get back down there in just a couple minutes, unless I want to miss my match. Are you coming or not?"
Illumi considered it for a moment before nodding. "Alright."
Hisoka grinned. "I knew you'd come around. Let's go, then." he stood up and offered Illumi a hand, but the assassin ignored it, standing up and dusting himself off modestly.
"Who are you going up against this time?"
"Some old man who's been running around bragging that he's a Nen master. He did make it far enough up Heaven's Arena to challenge a Floor Master such as myself, but I highly doubt he can beat me."
Hisoka turned around and started toward the door, his pace relaxed and his head high. He was the picture of confidence, radiating a powerful energy that communicated nothing short of the fact he was death walking and he was proud of it. Illumi found himself wondering how someone so dangerous could possibly have such high self-esteem as he followed the magician down a long, narrow flight of concrete stairs.
The air inside Heaven's Arena was significantly warmer than outside, though it was still pleasantly cool. The walls were composed of solid white cement, at least seven inches thick, splattered with dried, browned blood in some places near the floor. Illumi knew those stains were from personal disputes between fighters who had decided to settle things with their fists outside the arena. But why they chose to fight on the stairs leading up to the roof was beyond him. He found fighting on a slope remarkably inconvenient because it required a lot more focus and balance. If your opponent ended up on higher ground than you at any point in time, they would most likely win.
SIlva had once said that he who has the high ground has the victory. Illumi didn't fully understand that statement until he met Hisoka.
Perhaps the only reason Hisoka had managed to stay alive this long was because he was so confident, so proud, so sure of himself. In a way, that placed him higher than his opponents in terms of mental fortitude rather than strength. Even if his opponents were able to brutally outmatch him physically, he would still find a way to win because he was stubborn. Unyieldingly so. And mental strength outweighs physical strength.
He who has the high ground has the victory.Hisoka could feel Illumi's cold, calculating black eyes burning into his back and smiled. "One of these days, you ought to fight here. I would love to see something like that."
"What's the point?" Illumi asked, clasping his hands neatly behind his back as they reached the bottom of the stairs.
"There is no point. It's just fun. A means of honing your skills and allowing others to challenge you. To push your limits. It also allows an opportunity to make a name for yourself and show exactly what you're made of." Hisoka explained, turning right and starting down a long corridor. His high-heeled boots clicked against the polished, grey stone floor. "If impressing your parents is something you want to do, fighting your way up to the top of Heaven's Arena might just be the way to do exactly that."
"I doubt they'd take pride in something as trivial as their eldest son participating in admittedly pointless fights." Illumi replied, dryly.
"Well, that's a shame. You're missing out on a chance to enjoy yourself, you know. You and I are similar in the sense that we both crave the rush that comes with killing another human being, so this place is perfect for you. I promise you'll fit right in." Hisoka reasoned, glancing over his shoulder at the ravenet.
Illumi turned up his chin ever so slightly. "Fitting in is not something I worry about. I'm an assassin, in case you've forgotten. Assassins don't belong anywhere."
"That's because normal people don't understand the art and beauty of death, Illumi. People fear and cast out that which they do not understand. That's why people like you and I find solace and belonging in places like these." Hisoka spread his hands to indicate the room around him. There were a few beefy, tough-looking guys passing by with ugly, deep-set scowls on their hardened, scarred faces. They shot Hisoka a wary glance as they passed, muttering to each other. The magician had quite the reputation, it seemed. "Everyone who comes to fight within Heaven's Arena is as crazy and bloodthirsty as we are."
Illumi thought it wisest to remain silent, so that's exactly what he did. He briefly wondered if he would find Heaven's Arena as entertaining and satisfying as Hisoka did, but he refused to stoop so low as to participate in something so petty and ridiculous.
They continued walking down the long, well-lit hall for a couple more seconds before Hisoka suddenly stopped to indicate a little glass box down a corridor to their left. "You can buy a ticket for the match there. Try and grab a seat close to the arena itself, I wanna see your face while I'm fighting." with a sly wink and a low, velvety chuckle, the magician pivoted sharply and hurried back the way they'd come, making his way toward the arena.
Illumi stood there for a moment in silence, blinking a couple times in confusion. He would not ask me to sit close for the sake of seeing my face without good reason. But why? He could see no reason why Hisoka would want to impress him. After all, Illumi was an assassin, and assassins weren't particularly impressed by anything at all.
Hisoka did not make any sense.
Once Illumi had come to terms with that fact, he turned and made his way over to the ticket booth. He was capable of pretending to be nice enough when situations prompted him to communicate with other human beings. Otherwise, he just avoided people as much as possible, because his parents had only ever taught him how to smile and make small talk for the sake of remaining inconspicuous during missions that required blending in with a crowd. Beyond small talk, he knew absolutely nothing about social interaction.
The brown-haired woman selling off tickets within the booth was nice enough. Illumi could tell right away that she was one of those extroverted, permanently joyful people that just loved talking to others. She kept trying to make idle talk with him as she typed in the transaction on the little machine in front of her, and Illumi did his best to keep up with her bubbly energy.
"Lovely night, isn't it? I heard word that there's a massive storm rolling in, though. Probably best if you hold off on any travelling plans you've got for the next couple weeks." the brunette chattered, completely oblivious to the fact Illumi's pleasant smile never reached his cold, dead eyes.
"Mm. Very lovely. I was considering just staying out on the rooftop, but one of the contenders fighting tonight is a friend of mine. I figured I'd watch the match instead." Illumi replied. The lies which usually came so easily to him tasted bitter in his mouth, making him want to gag.
"Oh? You're friends with one of them?" the young woman immediately perked up a bit, jumping the opportunity to make even more conversation.
Illumi didn't understand how she could be so unconcerned. So happy. "I suppose." he said, slowly.
"You look like you'd make a pretty good competitor yourself, you know." the woman smiled, handing Illumi his ticket and propping her chin up on the heel of her hand.
"Ah, okay. I'll consider it. Enjoy the rest of your evening." Illumi was lying again, he'd already clearly expressed that he had no desire to fight anyone in such a sloppy, ragtag sport, if it could even be called that. He found it impossible to exchange pleasantries with another human without lying through his teeth at least twice. It was the only way he could make himself look like one of them.
"You too!" was the woman's response, but he barely registered it because he was already several paces away.
Illumi would be lying if he said he wasn't in a huge hurry to escape the situation. He hated pretending to be a normal human being with feelings and a personality for the sake of small talk, it always left him feeling unsettled, like there were thousands of tiny snakes writhing under his skin.
Although he had absolutely no idea where the arena was, his uncanny sense of direction and ability to analyze building structure (yet another abnormal talent his parents had drilled into him) ensured that he didn't take longer than ten minutes to find it. The arena itself was an extremely large, dome-shaped room with a big square in the middle. The circular part of the room was lined with thousands upon thousands of chairs, each one reserved for anyone who was willing to pay for a ticket to watch. The chairs were lined up similarly to the way they would be in a movie theatre, each row on a higher slope than the one directly in front of it. In the center of the square, there was a white, rectangular chunk of concrete where the competitors were expected to fight. The walls of the massive room were black, and several bright white spotlights shone down on the arena, making it possible for the spectators to see every single thing that was going on.
Illumi took note of the noisy crowd of people that was already gathered there and made a point to sit as far away from them as possible. That was the one thing he hated about these kinds of events. They were too loud. He also found himself making sure he found a seat as close to the arena itself as possible, though he did his best to convince himself it was so he could see the match better. He would never admit he was just doing what Hisoka asked him to do.
He sat down in the chair he'd selected, silently prayed nobody would decide to sit next to him for whatever reason, and patiently waited for the match to begin.
A/N: I feel really bad for forgetting to post this here, in all honesty. Some of my regular readers only use this site and either don't have or don't want access to ao3. From now on, I'll make sure to upload new chapters here immediately after posting them to ao3. I hope you guys liked it regardless!!! I posted the first five chapters all at the same time since they had already been written at the time I realized my mistake, and the sixth one should be available within the next couple days.Please leave a review on your way out, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this story so far!! Take care of yourselves and stay safe!-UltimatexAdmin