What's a shrink?
Sousuke was walking without a clear place to go, through the crowded streets of Tokyo. Watching people smiling and laughing without a worry in their minds. He felt jealous of their happines, of their memories, of their lives.
The heavy feeling of pain in his started to roam again, "Maybe I should end it all now. It will make everything easier," he thought.
He had a gun in his holster, his favorite, a semi-automatic 9 mm. It will be easy to make it all go away with just pulling the trigger. It wasn't a bad idea after all. He wouldn't have to run away or go back to fighting again.
But most of all, he wouldn't have to return to hurt Kaname anymore with his horrible life.
"I could let her be happy", again, the feeling of pain crossed his chest as if something was pulling him downwards, crushing his spirit.
They were at peace now and he had no purpose at all. She didn't need protection anymore. His life without war had no meaning for him. What else could he do for her if not fight?
She had been the only joy he had received in his life.
Sousuke kept walking until he reached a motel at the outskirts of the city. There he rented room 9 B, he knew he wasn't coming back to her loved one again.
He got inside the room and turned off the lights, he lay on the bed, staring at the roof, considering his situation.
He knew that only cowards took their own lives, that was a fact in war and in life. But did it made him a coward to chose death instead of a life without Kaname?
He knew that the only thing waiting for him without Kaname was war and he was tired of fighting, he had done it all, always for other people and maybe this was the first time he was making a decision for himself. Running away form it all...
Dying...
He entered the bathroom and opened the bath water to heat up in order to help his body to bleed out faster. He got into the water with his army clothes still on.
He kept the water running. He knew that sooner or later people will notice the water and it will help them find his body.
He had decided to take his knife and cut his wrists, it was more efficient than a gun shot and it will take longer to die. He deserved it after all the pain he had caused, after all the lives he had destroyed and after all the people he had left begging for their lives without giving them any mercy.
Yes, it was efficient.
He knew he could fail the gunshot and stay alive as a vegetable and becoming a burden to Kaname. Bleeding to death was kind of poetic justice and more practical, he thought.
Again the dark emotion in his chest kept pushing him further into desspair.
"Poor housekeeper, it's going to be messy", he thought.
He lay in silence in the tub for a moment, just watching the water running without a single thought in his mind. Never in his life he had considered killing himself. Why now? Why after speaking up about the truth? About his hell of a life?
The dark emotion kept building in his heart and a sudden thought came to his mind, "I can't live without her and she can't live with me."
That was it. That was the impulse he needed to go through with it.
He took the knife and cut his left wrist, it hurt like hell. His heart rate started to pulsate in his ears. It wasn't the first time he felt that pulsating feeling, he had been closed to death before. His first instinct was to cover the wound, he was programed to preserve his life. But not now, he needed to die.
As he started to cut his right wrist, his cellphone rang. It was Kaname. Just looking at her name in the phone's screen made his eyes fill with tears. It was a mix of emotions he had never felt before, a deep emotional turmoil inside his heart.
He wanted to hear her voice for the last time, at least for a few moments. He took the phone between his hands with difficulty, after all he had cut his tendons too, and answered the phone call.
"Sousuke! Can you hear me? You idiot please come back", said Kaname in tears.
He shouldn't had answered the phone...
...
A FEW MONTHS EARLIER
Sousuke was sitting on a couch at the doctor's office that Kaname had recommended a few weeks ago and forced him to go after his last outburst at the school festival, where he had made a souvenir stand blow up after he found a "suspicious" box.
He was used to getting psychological evaluations by Mithril's psychiatrists and military psychologists, but most of them only had time for a small conversation and didn't recommend any treatment. This was actually the first time he was getting evaluated by a professional and he was rather nervous, he didn't know what to expect.
The cold weather wasn't helping either. In his mind he knew that a rainy day was the perfect setting to attack without being noticed, as the streets will be free from people passing by. He had attacked others in such scenarios before.
Also the fact that Kaname forced him to leave all his weapons behind wasn't that great of an idea and it made him even more nervous. Not having his gun in his back made him fell anxious. "What if there is an attack?", he thought to himself.
"Sousuke Sagara?, the doctor will see you now", said the receptionist in a friendly voice as she hang up the phone she had been using for the last 10 minutes.
"It's going to be okay", he thought to himself but he realized that it was no use. Sweat was falling down his spine and staining his black t-shit. Kaname noticed his reaction and hold his hand in a reassuring way. It was wet and cold as ice. This could only mean one thing...
He was extremely nervous and it could only mean problems.
"It's going to be fine Sousuke. Doctor Allen was recommended by my father. He is an expert on treating soldiers", said Kaname with a reassuring smile. Her tone of voice calmed Sousuke a little, but only a little.
Although he had made some research about the doctor and found nothing on him, he believed that this whole scenario could be a trap set by the enemy, and with no guns or ammo, he felt even more vulnerable. He started to think of scape routes and possible weapons to defend himself.
As he was thinking all those crazy scenarios and all the possible outcomes, he heard a friendly voice that took him of guard.
"Sousuke, welcome", said the fourty year old doctor with a reassuring smile. He was wearing a pair of blue jeans, a blue shirt and tennis shoes, not at all what he had imagined in his head. He was expecting a large threatening man with scars, almost like a Rambo copycat.
"Maybe he is just an amateur assassin or maybe an expert assassin trying to persuade us with his friendly look", whispered Sousuke into Kaname's ear. She simply decided to ignore his commentary and dragged the young soldier to the doctor's side.
Sousuke tried analyzing everything about him to the very inch, trying to look at any sign of danger, but as hard as he tried, he found nothing suspicious. "Maybe he is a friendly", he thought, but the again, it could be a mistake.
"Please come in", said the doctor after noticing that Sousuke didn't move for a few seconds.
Slowly he entered the room and immediately noticed the white walls covered in photographs of Dr. Allen smiling with other soldiers at the battle field as well as children in UN relief tents. He noticed pictures of the families from the same soldiers and awards in psychology in the wooden shelves.
"Those are my patients", said Dr. Allen after noticing Sousuke staring at the frames. "My name is Edward Allen and I'm a psychiatrist", he said shacking Sousuke and Kaname's hands. "Please make yourself comfortable."
The couple sat on the couch across his brown vintage chair. Kaname kept holding on to Sousuke's hand, trying to make him pay attention to the doctor's words, but it was useless. He was analyzing every inch of the room looking for hidden microphones or cameras.
"So tell me Sousuke", said doctor Allen while sitting comfortably in his chair, "Why are you here?"
Sousuke was still lost in his thoughts so, after a few seconds, Kaname answered "We are here because this war freak can't seem to understand that normal boxes are just that, normal boxes."
Allen looked at Sousuke. His eyes were staring at the window as if he was searching for an imminent threat, "Will you like me to close the drapes?", he said to the young soldier.
The boy nodded.
The doctor stood up from his chair, closed the drapes and dim the light. This made Sousuke relax a little bit more as he knew that by closing the drapes, the possibility of an attack from snipers was more difficult. He thought that maybe the doctor understood his concern about a possible strike and that idea made him feel more comfortable. "Maybe he really is a friendly", he said to himself.
"You are rather young Sousuke. How old are you?", asked the doctor while picking up a note book from the coffee table in front of him. After a few seconds in silence, Kaname answered again, "He is nineteen"
Dr. Allen took a deep breath and looked towards the young soldier, he seemed more relaxed after closing the curtains but refused to talk to him; so he said with a tender face"I will like Sousuke to answer my question," looking straight into the boy's eyes.
Sousuke didn't wanted to give much information about himself; if he indeed was an enemy it could be risky. So he harshly answered, "Nineteen."
"That's a nice age. Full of unknown experiences that sometimes can be intimidating. I remember when I was that age, always worrying about things", said the doctor. Sousuke simply looked away without paying attention to his words.
"You like those photos?", asked doctor Allen, as he saw Sousuke staring at the framed photographs on the walls.
"Those are in Kazakhstan", said Sousuke looking at the pictures. He could recognize the mountain ranges and the distintive color of the sand in the photos.
"You are right", said the doctor as he lift up from his chair and picked one. He gave Sousuke a silver frame with a picture of two soldiers smiling in front of an Arbalest. "Those are from the fifth regiment of the UN. Great guys", he said as he sat back on his chair.
"UN soldiers a very good trained soldiers. I practiced with them in Angola", said Sousuke while looking at the photo. He remembered dearly his time with the UN, it had been a great experience for him when he was specializing on arm slave technology.
"And how long have you been a soldier?", asked the doctor, breaking Sousuke's train of thought.
"All my life", answered Sousuke while putting the frame down on a small coffee table in front of him. Doctor Allen took a few notes on his notebook, but soon he realized that writing on it had made Sousuke nervous, so he stopped.
"So tell me Sousuke. Why are you here?", the doctor asked putting the notebook down on the coffee table. Sousuke looked at Kaname as if he was expecting her approval before speaking and answered, "People think I have a hard time getting used to civilian life".
"And why do you think that?", asked the doctor, analyzing the interaction between the two teenagers in front of him and expecting a concrete answer from the young boy.
Sousuke thought for a few moments what his answer will be and said, "I think that I do have a problem with adapting. I haven't really experienced civilian life before."
This caught Dr. Allen's interest immediately, suddenly he realized the aspect of Sousuke's hands.
They were rough and covered in scars, as someone who had done heavy work for a very long time. "Why do you have a problem with that?", he asked the young pilot without taking his eyes from the burn marks in the boy's fingers, gun marks.
"I guess is because it's different from what I'm used to", answered Sousuke not realizing the attention that Dr. Allen was aiming towards him.
"Why is that?", asked the doctor as he realized the cross shaped scar in the young boy's cheek.
He was recognizing in Sousuke the same traits he had seen in other soldiers, twice the boy's age, had.
"I think people are to carefree and sometimes they don't realize the danger they are in," said Sousuke. Soon he realized the doctor's focus on him and it made him a little self-conscious.
As Allen realized the boy's attention was back on him, he took his notebook back from the coffee table and write a few notes, "It's normal to feel that way Sousuke. You have been in a stressful environment and changing to a peaceful one can be a challenge. I have seen this happen to other soldiers so you are not the only one feeling that way", he said with a calm voice.
Somehow hearing those words made Sousuke feel more comfortable. In that small talk, the doctor had made him realize that his problems with civilian life and how challenging it could be for him, was normal after all he had been through. But what interested him the most was that other people were facing the same issues as he did, so maybe, maybe, he wasn't a freak after all.
"Tell me Sousuke. Do you have moments were you feel in danger at school or in public places?", asked the doctor trying to observe the boy's reactions.
"I do. But I guess is normal to be cautious", answered Sousuke.
"It is normal to be cautious", said the doctor, "But what drives you to feel alert all the time?"
"I feel that there could be danger", said Sousuke.
Suddenly, he remember the thousands of times he had seen danger in normal situations, like the time he had made a love letter blow up at school or when he pushed a teacher down the stairs after looking at a suspicious student.
Was there something wrong with him that made him see danger everywhere?
"You feel like someone might hurt you or the people you care about?", asked Allen trying to take back the boy's attention. Sousuke stood quiet for a minute. That's was exactly how he felt all the time, that someone might hurt the one's he loved or hurt him.
It was specially severe every time he was with Kaname.
He had seen people walking on the streets and suddenly been attacked by soldiers before and he had seen schools get bombed by airplanes many times. So in his mind it was difficult for him to understand why his classmates where not careful as he was.
But then again, was it necessary to be that cautious?
"I guess I do fell that way", said Sousuke with a worried look. Kaname saw his expression, but couldn't quite figure out what he was thinking.
Dr. Allen took more notes."I want to more about you Sousuke. This place is a safe place for you and I want you to feel comfortable here, so you can check the office as many times as you wish. In this four walls we are only going to talk about things that you want to share, nothing more", he said.
"Just talk?", asked Sousuke with a doubtful expression. He remember Mithril's specialist and they never had time for a longer talk or any talk at all. In his mind, he thought, "how could he figure out what was going on just by talking?" Normally, the psychiatrist while prescribe him some medication and that will be it.
"Yes, just talk... For now", said Allen, "I have a group session with some patients tomorrow. Why don't you come. You don't have to talk if you don't want to, but you can hear what the others share and you can get an idea of my work area. Would you like to come?"
"Yes", said Sousuke without realizing how fast he had answered.
"Somehow the idea of seeing other soldiers is nice", he thought to himself.
Sousuke started to like Dr. Allen and so did Kaname, even though she hadn't asked her anything about her soldier.
That first conversation could be the hope he was looking for? Or was it destined to destroy it all?