Her body was hot and sticky from all the tears she had shed over a treacherous mistake, she didn't entirely know it was an attempt to murder though but that was ok as she could still blame herself. Blame was a concept that Carla Connor could fathom quite well, after all, she was the master of blaming herself because everything was her fault. She found herself become reliant on the booze but that was nowhere near enough, she needed more, she needed to inflict more pain onto herself, she needed to spiral out of control she needed to feel the thrill, she needed to feel the exhilaration. She needed to see with her own eyes the money which was pouring effortlessly down the drain so she could harbour the pain forevermore.

There were other ways of coping through right? Surely she could fathom another way to deal with her emotional pain? Where was the nearest bottle? Where was the nearest bottle of sleeping pills, after all, she'd done it once before and failed who's to say it wouldn't succeed this time? It would erase the pain, it would erase the red figures on her balance sheet and it would erase her, that's what she wanted right? She wasn't entirely sure but she knew what she did want, and that was to feel free and the only way she would succeed with those feelings of freedom would be if she gambled her life away.

Red and black were the colours of her life right now, they really did suit her mood as well. She felt entirely dark and she felt as if the colours were flashing in front of her eyes in a constant wave of euphoria and ecstasy. Gambling was a simplicity, you win or you lose, you succeed or you fail, she really did believe there was no middle ground or was there? Was she just not choosing to break even every time, did she want to lose, did she want to fail? She was convinced it was the latter because after all, that's what she deserved, she deserved to fail because everything felt so dirty, money felt dirty, money felt good but bad at the same time so essentially is contrasted itself which she felt wasn't humanely possible.

Booze was also a recurring factor because with losing money, she needed to drown it out. Who needed just alcohol rippling through their system to cope when they could have their whole livelihood flushed away with one trip down the casino. The thing was money didn't grow on trees, the problem was that if money didn't grow on trees then she would run out of money right? That was the plan, wasn't it? No that would be stupid, there were loans, there was other peoples money, she could ask people for money out of desperation right and they would give her the money surely because she needed it, but then she had to really question whether they would because would their money be flushed away through her weekly casino habits.

The sad thing was her friendships were beginning to suffer, well they were already suffering, they were gone essentially, she didn't want to fight for them. Yes she had people like Michelle, she even had Nick who she never thought in a million years she would have the friendship of but even the two people who were trying to support her felt so distant, she couldn't confide in them, why should she confide in them? What good would it do her? The answer to that was is that it wouldn't fix her, nothing could ever fix her and she was convinced of that, nothing will fix the rising debt and the rising disasters, this was her life now and she had to deal with it, she had no choice, she got herself in this mess and she killed two innocent people, she was a murderer and no one would convince her otherwise, no mistake ends in two people losing their lives, nothing would bring those people back so she deserved to be degraded in society, she deserved to lose everything because those two people lost their lives, so if she could lose everything she would end her life because her life would have nothing in it to live for, apart from the increasing red figures on the balance sheets, that was aloud.

"Morning" Michelle sashays into the office placing her bag down on her desk "I wanted to check in to see how you were"

"I'm great" she confirms causing Michelle to shoot her look, especially at the tone her friend used, it seemed like she was judging her which she wasn't

"Ok well why don't you come with me for lunch at the bistro, on me"

"I don't need your sympathy Michelle" Carla snaps causing Michelle to sigh, she had tried everything from trying to get her friend to see a therapist to trying her best to support her herself but nothing was working, she really didn't know what to do to save her

"It was just a friendly catch up to see how you were doing-"

"Well I don't need it"

"So what are you going to do instead then? Sit in your flat all evening and mull over all your thoughts until you crack and spend money which you don't have?"

"You're not my mother" she snaps back causing Michelle to sigh again "Leave"

"Carla-"

"I said leave!" she shouts causing Michelle to shake her head defiantly "Get out of my factory and don't come back!"

"It soon won't be your factory if you carry on this way" she points out causing Carla to roll her eyes, she knew her friend was right "Fine I will leave, I don't know why I bother, I really don't"

"Good, go and make yourself useful elsewhere, I don't need you"

"Fine, it's your funeral I guess" she sasses strolling out of the office and through the factory, she steps outside the front door and sighs, she took her phone out of her bag, she scrolled through her phone to Nick's contact but there was another number that took her fancy, she dialled it and walked off...