'Remember when…'

"Hey, Rika, wake up…"

'I didn't need you…'

I clutch the blankets of the hospice bed, tears streaming down my cheeks.

'Well I need you now…'

"Rika, Sango's here…"

'To hold my head…'

I can only think of the phone call I received last night around 01:00. She didn't sound like herself. She asked me to come see her…

'Up high, say 'it's all better, child'…'

I think she knew.

I hold her hand. It's getting colder all the time.

"Is Kohaku going to be here?"

"No, he's still in basic with the SDF. I haven't been able to get a hold of him."

Kohaku never knew you like I did…

We had been here since 11:00. It was approaching 13:00. She hasn't opened her eyes this entire time.

'Remember when…'

I feel Father's strong hand grip my shoulder. He leans over me.

'I was alone and…'

"Hey, Rika, Sango's here—our girl…"

'Crying out…'

His voice cracked.

'You will be missed…'

"Please say something, I'm here…"

'But I know that you're all better now.'

She's not breathing anymore.

I've never cried so hard as when you stopped breathing.

Father's embrace wasn't enough.

"It's okay, Sango…" My cousin who looks just like her whom I've only met just this once held me. "She can breathe again."

I looked over my shoulder at Mother one last time, with the last shred of hope, that she would open her eyes.

I could still hear her voice. "I love you…"

"Kohaku…" Father was able to get a hold of him. Finally. But I could barely hear the conversation. "Your mother… she…"

I miss you…

I walked out of the hospice and was greeted with the mocking cruelty of a beautiful Spring day. It was still chilly out. I made a beeline for the car, my mind blank. I retrieved my phone out of my pocket for the first time since my aunt called this morning with the news that Mother was unresponsive. I took a deep breath and scrolled through my contacts.

"Hello?"

"Miroku?"

"Sango?"

I almost couldn't say it. "My mom died." I began to cry again.

"Oh, Sango…" My best friend's voice brought me little comfort. "Sango, no… God I'm so sorry…"

"Yeah…" I wanted to see him. But then, I didn't. I needed to see my people, though… I don't know…

"Sango…" Father caught up to me. "Sango…" He put his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him. I couldn't look at him. "I know you just lost your mother… I know this hurts… Just please don't do anything rash."

"I won't."

"You still have people who love you… I'm here for you…" We got into Father's car. He looked at me. He still had tears in his eyes. "You have friends that are here for you."

"What did Kohaku say?"

Father was quiet for a moment. He ran his hand through his graying hair and looked ahead out the windshield. "He said he should be granted leave immediately. But it may take him a couple weeks to come home."

"Oh." So I'll be alone. Again.

Father sighed. "You know… you'll have to make… the arrangements… since Kohaku is not present."

"I doubt he would anyway."

"Sango!"

An awkward silence filled the small space.

"Oh! Sango! What brings you in?" I was greeted too cheerily at the cash register by Yura, an old… friend. We didn't exactly part on good terms. She was just doing her job.

I shall offer honesty today. To hell with polite banter. "Kinda shitty, to be honest with you."

"Oh…?" Yura's 'customer service with a smile' act shattered. I lazily dropped my energy drink and candy bar on the counter. Should have bought some booze.

"Mom passed away this afternoon."

"Damn…"

Yura had met Mother plenty of times in the nursing home. I could tell she was saddened by the news. Mother hated her, though.

"Yeah…" I paid for my purchases. "I don't need a bag."

"Shit…" Yura looked at me. "Hey, I know we're not like super best friends anymore, but… I'm here. Okay?"

I nodded. "Thank you."

The walk back to my apartment sucked.

In the time it took for me to walk little less than a kilometer from the gas station to my apartment, I managed to email all my professors to let them know I would not be in for classes Monday. Today was Saturday. Bloody fucking Saturday. I looked up at the sky. Sky blue, no clouds, crystal clear… my favorite kind of day. She would leave me with this, I suppose…

"I love you…" I bit back tears. I'd give anything to hear her tell me that one more time. One more hug, one more phone call, one more letter…

I got so lost in my thoughts that I would have walked past my parking lot if it weren't for my small friend group that awaited me there.

"Sango!" Miroku approached me first. His demeanor was cheery as always but there was a solemnness in his eyes. He held open his arms for a hug, which I readily accepted. "Hey… I'm here…" I soon felt additional arms around me. Inuyasha and Kagome had joined in. I hated crying in front of them; I let the dam break with no cares at all.

"I guess I have to plan a funeral… never done that before…"

Miroku tossed me a beer. I caught the can and opened it, disinterested. I sat slumped forward on the couch, alternating between staring at my worn-out shoes and glancing miserably at the brew in my left hand.

"Isn't the oldest son supposed to do it?"

I scoffed. "He's on duty. He won't be joining us." That was enough to make me drink finally. Beer was something of an acquired taste.

"That motherfucker," Miroku leaned against the wall separating the kitchen from the small living room and sipped on his own beverage.

"Hey, now," I warned him. Kohaku may not be on the best terms with Mom but he was still my brother and I know he was still hurting, whether he would admit it or not. "I know you love to roast my brother at any chance you can get, but still…"

"He just left like six months ago, didn't he?" asked Miroku.

"Yep," I took another drink and grimaced. Ew. Miroku came and sat next to me. "It's good for him." The military was the last thing I ever thought I'd see my younger brother do, but it was for the best. He managed to get himself into some trouble over the past few years. He switched degree programs at least four times and accumulated more student loan debt than even I would have after graduate school. And then there was that crazy girl he was dating…

Miroku sat next to me. "And you're here."

"I'm here."

It was a little awkward. Miroku was trying really hard. Inuyasha and Kagome had left about an hour ago. We hung out in the parking lot, as we did often, and talked. Mostly memories. Good ones I had with Mother. She never met Inuyasha and Kagome but she got to meet Miroku once. Granted, she probably didn't remember him due to the meds. But he remembered her. And to me, that's what counted the most right now.

"You ready for the move?" asked Miroku. He looked around my apartment, which was all but bare. Most of my belongings had been packed up already, aside from the furniture and massive TV I'd gifted myself upon moving out of Father's house finally just over a year ago.

"I was…"

"So much for the party pad," lamented Miroku.

I couldn't help but laugh. "A lot of good memories in here, huh?"

"We put in a good year, yes."

I finally leaned back on the couch. Miroku mirrored my actions. I let myself lean against him. We had an… interesting… history. Woulda-coulda-shoulda-has-beens. But we were better off as friends. We found out the hard way that we had all the bad things in common and just enough inner demons between the two of us to possibly destroy the planet if we were to ever be anything more than friends.

I wanted a punk rock fairytale and he wanted a notch in his bedpost.

And it was just straight-up entertaining to watch him fail miserably with all these different girls. He roasted my brother regularly for his first girlfriend, Cecelia, 'The American Psycho'; but his own taste was just as calamitous. I could not say I was a fan of his most recent booty-call-turned-girlfriend, Mei. I liked Koharu, why didn't he just stay with her? Mei was obnoxious.

I recently told Mother the tale of going out for Inuyasha's birthday, which involved copious amounts of alcohol, a gay club, our friend Shippo calling his father to come pick him up because Inuyasha, Miroku, and I were too drunk, culminating in Miroku and Mei throwing down in my parking lot, and ended in Mei headbutting the giant old steel dumpster in the corner. Yikes. In retrospect, I'm pretty sure Inuyasha enjoyed the whole spectacle. I did more harm than good trying to drunkenly defend Miroku's honor to Mei and in doing so, I disclosed that I used to have a thing for him. Mei didn't like that. Kagome finally defused the situation. And that was one of my more tame phone calls to my mother.

"I'll try to help you with the move." Miroku broke me out of my thoughts. "You have enough going on as it is."

"Thank you."

I couldn't finish reading the obituary that I wrote. Father couldn't either. Kohaku wouldn't. He said he didn't have a right to. And a selfish part of me agreed inside.

However, this would be a celebration of Mom's life! And we would treat it as such!

Miroku couldn't make it since he worked, but he helped me a lot with the planning. He, and my cousin, Katana, whom I met the day Mother passed away. Katana looked so much like her, moreso than I did… It was almost unnerving to me. I made a photo wall and set up a memorial table under the park shelter. I brought my music equipment and made Mother a playlist that I knew she would love. She loved music.

"Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac drifted through the air.

"Rika loved this song!" I felt a heavy hand on my shoulder and turned to see my drunk maternal uncle leaning against me, tear- and grief-stricken. He was fucked up, reeking of alcohol and likely had just consumed more than just that. I couldn't be mad at him, though… Mom loved him. His middle sister was gone now. I can't imagine losing Kohaku…

It was a beautiful day. Blue, cloudless skies. Just like the day you died…

"Uncle Jade," greeted Kohaku. He appeared on the other side of our intoxicated kin.

"Kohaku!" Uncle turned around and gave my brother a hug and his full attention.

Kohaku led him away, leaving me alone with Mother's ashes on the table, surrounded by flowers, photos, and other offerings and memorabilia. I scanned the tabletop, taking careful note of everything there. I picked up a picture frame, holding within, my favorite photo of myself and Mother, taken two years ago during her birthday celebration. Tears welled in my eyes but I found myself smiling.

Thank you for your smile…

I had her smile. I looked just like Father but I had her smile. Kohaku, too, although it was less prominent in him.

"Hey there." I turned to see Kagome. "You okay?" she offered me a small smile and put her arm around me.

I could only nod and wipe my tears. After a few minutes that felt like months of regaining my false composure, I cleared my throat and answered my friend. "Yes." I took a deep breath. "It's a beautiful day."

"Mmhmm," Kagome looked from me to the display of photos before us. "A beautiful day for a beautiful person."

"Indeed." I smiled. "She wouldn't want me to be sad. She wouldn't want to be remembered as she is but as she was." I looked behind Kagome and saw Inuyasha speaking with Father in the background. I'm glad he approved of my current friend group. "Where's my brother?"

"Last I saw, he was trying to get your uncle to go sit down," started Kagome, "and then he headed up toward the gazebo."

"Mom loved gazebos."

We made the small trek up the hill to the gazebo. Kohaku sat at the very top, hugging his knees to his chest. The wind blew through his dark brown hair and the sun drew out the reddish highlights. I was happy he could make it. He had a rough relationship with our mother his whole life but I knew he cared. He was hurting in a different way, but hurting nonetheless. I was so happy when I saw him get out of the taxi, dressed in his SDF uniform. He looked so grown up, I almost didn't recognize him.

"How's the view?" I asked as we approached the gazebo.

"Huh?" Kohaku shook his head and looked down at us, blinking like we had interrupted an inner monologue. We probably did.

"You okay, man?" I heard Inuyasha walking up behind us. He soon walked past me and looked up at my brother, still perched atop the small structure like a somber gargoyle.

Kohaku jumped down with more grace than I would have ever expected him to. Maybe the military was a good choice for him, if just for his newfound agility and coordination. "Inuyasha," he greeted. He looked to Kagome. "Kagome."

We stood there for a while, talking somewhat awkwardly among ourselves. There wasn't much to say. We missed Kohaku, he missed us… we missed Mother…

Kohaku stayed with me that night. I felt bad that I still hadn't gotten everything unpacked. Kohaku laughed and said he was fine with the 'red bachelor couch' and a light blanket.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there," he finally spoke up. We hadn't talked much since the memorial service.

"It's okay."

"No…" Kohaku leaned back on the couch and sat cross-legged. He was almost too tall now to do that and leave me any room. "She's still our mother. She's still my mother."

I was trying hard not to cry again. That was the new thing with me these days. Trying not to cry and accept everyone's pity and sympathy and empathy while staying strong and stone, like Father.

"Kohaku, do you forgive her?" I asked quietly.

"I never blamed her," he answered. Kohaku looked to me, his chocolate brown eyes welling with emotion and tears. "She got sick after she had me."

"That's not your fault, though—"

"I know." I was more pleasantly surprised by his answer than slightly annoyed that he cut me off.

"Good," was all I could say. "Don't blame yourself for that. She never wanted you to."

"I know," sighed Kohaku, "I just wish she would have lived long enough to see me forgive myself."

"When did you?"

"The day after she died." My brother looked down, his bangs falling over his eyes. I pulled him into a side embrace and leaned my head on his shoulder. I didn't even realize he was crying until his shoulders shook and he hiccupped. Kohaku held his face in his hands. "I was always so angry at her for getting sick! For not being able to take care of us—to take care of me! It's not that Father did a bad job, it's just—dammit!"

"Kohaku…" I pulled him close and rubbed his back, beginning to cry a little myself as well. "I was mad about that, too, for a minute, when we were younger…"

"And I was mad that you're sick, too, sis!" Kohaku cried. "I used to blame her! But it's not her fault… it's no one's, really…"

I laughed darkly. "The devil in our bloodstream..."

Kohaku sniffled and rubbed his eyes. "Speaking of… are you going to be okay?"

"I'll have to be, Kohaku."

"I mean, I know you've got school and everything… that's a lot, Sango."

"I'll be fine. I even still got that paper submitted for publication on time. Don't worry about me." I brushed his hair out of his face and looked into his eyes. "I'm more worried about you. Be careful."

"I will," he bowed his head a little to me and closed his eyes, the smallest smile pulling at his lips. Kohaku pulled me into a tight hug. "I love you, sis."

"I love you, too, little brother." I hugged him back just as tightly. I didn't want him to go back. I knew he had to leave first thing in the morning. He probably shouldn't even have stayed with me tonight. I didn't want him to lose this opportunity as well and be designated AWOL before his first year of service was even up. He would never forgive himself and neither would either of our parents, Father being ex-military himself.

This was going to be hard. Around this time of the late evening, early night, I would usually call Mom while I was cooking myself dinner, usually drinking as well. Tonight, though, I had the rare comfort of my little brother to keep me company. Tonight, I would try to think of the good times and enjoy the little things. I would think of the future and try not to dwell on the past. I wanted to make my mother proud.

'You're the blood in my veins

And quite literally the smile on my face;

You're every crisp morning and blue sky

And you'll always be my sunshine.'