Fandom: Finder no Hyouteki / Viewfinder
Title: The shapes of trust.
Pairing: Tao x Fei Long, Fei Long x Yoh
Rating: PG-13
Description: Recalling things of the past, Tao is confronted dead-center with his feelings for his master. And Fei Long must open his eyes to the truth.
Disclaimer: Finder no Hyouteki is the wonderful creation of the awesome and gorgeous Yamane Ayano-sensei.
And the cycle begins.
What a cruel man, a gorgeous lilac mountain of shimmering ice. Does he really think I'm immune to him?
With steam rising in the bathroom, the eighteen-year-old boy stands at the transparent shower door and waits with a towel in his hand. He's been in this stance for as long as he can remember being in service to his master. But as he got older, his admiration grew along with a stirring pain for him, not quite understanding why he couldn't make those feelings go away. Like water sizzling in a pan of oil, this work and that feeling were supposed to remain separated.
Never to mix.
He swallows hard as he catches a glimpse of his master's moist body, the water running down the defined muscles of his arms, torso, thighs, and calves as well as the visage that becomes more chiseled in its alabaster beauty, time mending its smooth firmness.
The boy's hand tightens under the towel.
Why is it whenever I stand here, I'm always reminded of Yoh's words?
Shhhhrrt. The shower stops.
When the older man with the dripping, waist-length hair steps out onto the mat, he takes the large white bath towel. The boy glimpses at his master's face and gives a heartfelt grin, aching all the same. "Here you are, Fei-sama."
It's this very second that Fei Long looks forward to each day that passes under their dark sun. No matter how the day has gone, without fail, this is the tranquil light that touches his battered sense of self.
But like always, he never gives a hint that it means everything to him.
Helping to dry his master's shoulders, the boy's guilt rises.
/"Always be attentive. I'm leaving you to guard him during that time. You never know where people will come from so I entrust him to you when I am not there."/
And so, Yoh…
…who will protect him from me?
The shapes of trust.
By Miyamoto Yui
Part 1 / Past – The flower, the blindfold, the promise.
"You always look me straight in the eye, don't you, Tao?"
Being that unguarded in front of the young man, Fei Long is startled by the sound of his own voice, his silent thoughts said aloud. Immediately, his lips tighten in consternation.
Tao continues to pat Fei Long's shoulders and fix any creases in his clothing despite the change in demeanor. Undisturbed, he replies to his master's reflection in the mirror, "When have I ever turned away from you?"
The Baishe leader expects it though. Invisible landmines wait to be stepped on, ready to explode and destroy their delicate balance at any time. And with the way he'd raised him, the boy's mouth never hesitates to shoot off their unintended bullets of truth. Due to their sincerity, they hit their target perfectly every time.
What's worse is that they're both unaware the boy is the master's choice of death.
Deep inside Tao's mind, he's concerned over that miniscule change in his master's mood, that slight grimace of displeasure. He doesn't want to make him unhappy in any way.
Here with me, I want you to feel relaxed.
He'd never want to lose Fei Long's favor, but he's also disappointed in himself. Did he do poorly in taking care of him tonight?
Anything less than perfect is unacceptable. It's their unwritten code.
However, there's one thing Tao can't seem to do: Time and again, he's failed to smooth out the bullet wound that wouldn't heal.
Fei Long's eyes glide over the scar of his heart.
What would make you say such a thing and instantly look annoyed? Let it be anything else but you suspecting what's really going through my head...
After helping the master dress, they go over to the leather chair in front of a wide, square mirror. The boy pulls it so that Fei Long faces his direction. Then, he grabs a soft yellow towel to wipe the water from the long, shiny silk threads of hair, pinching his index fingers and thumbs at the ends. While leaning forward, he catches the light musk of his master mixed with fresh water and shampoo. Knowing Fei Long won't see, he peers at the crown of his head with a solemn face and takes a long steady breath, trying to keep his carnal impulses inside the cage of his body.
Damn it, this scent drives me insane! And you're the very reason I have a hair feti-
Fei Long's forehead brushes against his stomach and then pushes on it. Tao flinches, pulling his stomach muscles inward without thinking.
The contact thins his resolve to a sliver of self-control.
"Fei-sama?" the boy manages to calmly ask while vigorously drying his master's hair with both his palms rubbing against the towel, his heart matching the frenzied action.
"How long have you been doing this for me?" the creamy voice inquires.
"Wouldn't you know better than me?" he teases back, unable to repress his delight at being acknowledged.
Despite inner conflicts, Tao cocks his head to one side with a twinkle in his eye.
At that moment, he covers Fei Long's head with the towel. Underneath it, while vigorously drying the various strands of hair, the boy thought he saw it: A sweet smile on those ever stern lips.
He stops breathing as his heart melts, making his fingers become very warm.
I love you, but when will you ever confide in me? When will you allow yourself to see me as a man?
How long will it take for me to become your equal?
Fei Long notices his temperature rising and embraces the heat, not guilty at all for provoking this reaction out of the boy.
But within these minutes of comfortability, a rare opportunity to escape his title, Asami's deep voice invades his thoughts: /"Don't you have anyone you trust?"/
Even if I'm training him to be what he'll become in the future, it still hasn't corrupted him. I've been watching carefully, waiting for it to approach and corner him.
It is inevitable, yet I still can't give him to this world. But this isn't my choice to make.
Father…
why is it only now I understand your thoughts about Yanzhui and me?
Submerged in his own worries, Tao fails to notice that his master yearns to wrap his arms around him. But reason wins out and Fei Long holds himself back.
In their silences, the both of them think from the recesses of their hearts, "This time will end someday too. It is only a matter of how."
+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/
Fei Long leaves for a meeting with Yoh and three other skilled members as Tao takes a nap before his next duty at midnight. Sleeping atop the covers, he spreads himself out like an exasperated starfish. Soon, he tosses from side to side in irritation.
He can't switch his brain off, especially after the master turning him on. The forehead pushing against his stomach. The smell of his skin. The feel of running his fingers through his thick hair to untangle the damp knots.
Being alone in bed with nothing else to focus on, the boy couldn't help but drown in those tempting images until they saturate all of his body…
Getting up from the bed, he takes a quick shower to erase the evidence of all his dirty thoughts. But it never stops the insanity growing inside his chest, the craving to win over the man who lives inside his master's body.
The one who hides behind his position.
/"I want to go with you, Fei-sama," I said with tears in my eyes.
It was a futile wish. Master didn't have that kind of time with all his responsibilities. He appeared to be floating along, but flipping the situation, he was always working, scrupulously planning with the façade of being too impulsive.
When he threw the dice to gamble though, he ultimately followed his instinct.
Because I was constantly beside him, I knew it more than anyone.
Unreasonable as it was, at least on this day I wanted to wander outside the building. Even for a little while.
Pressing my hands onto the glass window, I watched the people down below freely walking about. Sometimes, I'd view them through binoculars to see their expressions. It was a passing hobby of mine since my demanding master insisted that I stay next to him, especially after being in the hospital. He was never able to forgive himself for
leaving me there because at that time and for my sake, it was the safest option,
allowing Yoh to take advantage of the situation and subconsciously tempting him to do it,
not being able to tame his emotions that a mere child was brave enough to sacrifice his life for his sake.
I didn't mind it at all since I could help him in some way, but today was-
Knock, knock.
I sat straight up on the edge of my bed.
"Tao," Yoh's muted, yet assertive voice called out to me through the door.
"Yes?" I answered, scrimmaging to wipe my eyes.
"He needs you to come immediately because we are going out."
I quickly glanced at the clock on the wall. It read 10:02pm.
Opening the door with my pajamas on, I looked up to Yoh's tall figure with my eyebrows knitting together, but said nothing.
"Here." He handed me a box. "Wear that."
Quickly, I changed and looked at the handsome new outfit I'd been offered. (I had no time to check the mirror but I'd inspect it later.) Then, we headed to the master's car, which was waiting downstairs with Fei-sama already inside of it.
I bowed my head in greeting, but he kept silent, his hands folded in his lap.
For some reason, he seemed troubled. And without thinking, I put my hand on his head, my fingers touching his scalp as if I could magically make the pain go away.
What's wrong?
But he didn't scold me and nor did he reject the open display of affection.
When I pulled my hand away, I caught Yoh's eyes in the rearview mirror peeking at me and then he watched the road once more.
In the bustle of the night market, I felt at home. I'd forgotten this feeling of walking through the zigzag paths with the barrage of goods displayed on wires. The aroma of fried food and drinks that could only be found here. It wasn't like I didn't know or visit these places, but I could only pass through. I was not allowed to immerse for too long.
Somehow, I sensed I'd never return if I didn't choose to.
But I always did because Fei-sama, despite protests, came once in a while to observe. To understand things that were around him but couldn't touch. To see people as they were, drifting near them, but never fully engaging. Following the music of life where it led but never really able to clutch onto it.
Maybe that's why he indulged me. It gave him an excuse to.
Crossing over a walkway connecting one building to another, I glanced at his back and the solid shoulders and then at Yoh next to me, his eyes ever roving, calculating potential dangers. He was incessantly vigilant even though this was our territory.
No one harassed or questioned us. And if we came upon any foreigners or tourists, they wouldn't have known anyway. Once in a while, Yoh would discuss something with a local, but my master said nothing as we strode through. I was very happy to be around people and closer than through the binoculars from my room.
Everywhere we went, awe and fear surrounded the air around us. I felt it thickly through the sweat and humidity swaying under the array of lights and tides of people.
I was sure there was another purpose in coming besides the usual business, but I had no idea what. However, I knew my master didn't do things emptily.
As we were walking back, there was a potted plant that had fallen onto the pavement. Before I could go over, Fei-sama squatted down to pick it up and pushed as much dirt back inside the pot. Then, he placed it back onto its small wooden stand, trying to make the flower prettily stand up straight again.
Yoh stood next to him as I glimpsed at Fei-sama's gentle expression, saying something more profound than words could convey.
The magic of that gaze wore off. When he stood up, his lips became a thin line and the rigidness of his eyes returned.
At seeing this, I suddenly felt sad. I'd seen a flower abruptly wither, but kept that grief to myself.
On the way home, the question bothered me until I naively blurted out, "Why did you pick it up?" Of course, I couldn't ask about what really depressed me.
It didn't have a name yet.
That night, before I was sent back to my room, Fei-sama put his hand on the top of my head. "Thank you for accompanying me today, Tao."
The tingling warmth left as soon as he took his hand away, but as I looked up to his face with the brightest smile I could give, I saw traces of melancholy come back…
…and wanted to temporarily suspend the transformation.
I reached out for his cheeks and softly pinched them with the silliest face I could make. For the first time since I'd been with him, I saw something unimaginable: He genuinely laughed. The chuckle wasn't exactly what I'd expected with his teeth showing and a modest glance downward.
His eyes faintly shimmered before me.
The gorgeousness stumped me into silence.
And when I let go, he put his hand over his mouth, amused.
"Good night, Fei-sama."
When I turned around, in a snap, I felt my face burn from my cheeks all the way to my ears.
Maybe it was a coincidence, but today was the day he'd adopted me. I was so happy he'd spent some of his precious time with me even with the business transactions in between.
And that laugh…
It was better than any gift I could've ever asked for.
When I went to bed, I sat on the edge in all my giddiness and heartache, watching the shadows mix with the light of the moon on the floor and holding onto the beautiful clothing I'd taken off. With a puzzled look, the more I thought of Fei-sama, the walls of my chest began to invisibly crack.
They called him a vicious, heartless leader with the face of a goddess. I knew it wasn't entirely true.
I held the shirt against my chest and right over my heart as if I could keep it intact, recalling that he'd picked up the flower that had fallen onto the cement and the joyous sound that swiftly brightened these hard, dull walls.
Buried as it was, laughter and empathy still lived somewhere inside Fei-sama.
Knowing that, an eclipse occurred and changed me forever.
I looked at my bony hands and untrained body, and then shut my eyes. Scrunching them up in frustration, I held the fabric even tighter in my shaking fists. He'd unknowingly given me a piece of clothing splashed with colors I always associated with him: White and light purple.
Strong. Regal. Kind.
Aloud with only the moon as my witness, I made a promise to myself. "I'll never let this man get away from me."
But how exactly was I going to do that?/
Tao makes sure to secure the holster attached to his thigh, the gun tucked perfectly under his clothes as a part of his body outline. Even in his usual uniform, he appears completely flawless.
With one last look over before heading to the next task, the boy stares straight into his own somber reflection.
Will that time ever come, I wonder? I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be.
+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/
Tao makes his way back to where the bodyguard is standing, composed and ready for the all-nighter in front of the master's room, this office psedo-bedroom that Fei Long built as a statement of his resilience. It's right across the bay from his father's, the twin buildings staring at one another.
The bodyguard and the boy exchange formal nods and take a deep breath knowing what will happen next. It's that time of the year and they each have their distinct duties: The stimulant and the sedative.
In other words, distractions to reality.
Even for a night.
There are no other people in the organization who know. They shouldn't.
Behind that apathetic façade, you only come alive whenever Fei-sama's involved. Right, Yoh?
Without another word, Yoh turns the silver-plated knob and enters Fei Long's room, leaving the door closed and unlocked. The whole room is soundproof except for the door. They all know it's on purpose…
/At age 15, two years after the incident with Akihito…
In one of the basement rooms, I ran across the wooden floor to attack Yoh.
. . .Wack, Shift . Shift . Bend .Stand up. Jump…
Unperturbed, Yoh simply stepped back gracefully, dodging every single body part I thrashed at him in our coordinated rhythm. The flow was so smooth, I grew chagrined. Even though he's a disciplined expert, having done this for many years, infuriation doesn't even come close to my mounting pile of bitterness.
Simply, I still wasn't strong enough in every possible sense: Body, mind, and soul.
"Why do you never question what I did back then? When I tricked you to give me the deed?"
My wrist swatted Yoh's hand in a counter.
"Because I already know the answer. You're the same as me."
Yoh slightly lifted his chin and tilted his head with curious eyes, but, as usual, remained tight-lipped.
Moving forward, I punched with my right hand, but I missed, spinning minutely until my back was towards him. He deftly took my right upper arm and pushed my left shoulder so that my body twisted in the air, but I rolled and ran in to strike again, answering persistently while breathing heavily, "You would do anything to save Fei-sama."
Why am I still so weak?! And you aren't even sweating!
How long do I have to train to surpass yours and his strength?!
"But I'd betrayed him."
I lifted my left leg to kick his neck, but he again pushed my ankle away and then squatted down.
"The fact that you're still here says something."
Quickly, I turned so that I could shift my weight and kick with my right leg, aiming to ram my foot against his stomach area. Standing up straight, he made an X-shape with his forearms and grunted, knocking my ankle away with ease.
I hadn't made a dent.
Yoh squinted and a subtle grin appeared on his lips. In another blink, it vanished.
"But I will become stronger than him and make him mine, Yoh."
Pwack! In a flash, he slid his leg under mine and I fell backwards with Yoh's fingers pointed to my neck, ready to rip my throat apart. A fire ignited between his eyes, mercilessly exuding its outrage towards me.
Seems I flipped the coin. You really do change when it comes to the master.
The monotonous voice contained streaks of searing frostbite. "Is that a declaration?"
I looked up from the ground in defiance. "No, not quite. But I will torture you enough. However, I'm sure you'd enjoy it more than feeling like it was a punishment."
Ignoring the remark, the savage vibrations dissipated and he held his hand out to help me up. "You do realize we'll pay dearly for doing this behind his back."
Yes, but if I didn't, I wouldn't reach him. That's worse than death itself.
After our martial arts training, we went into another basement room.
PWOCK!
With earmuffs on, I felt a piece of my soul fade away when I clung onto Yoh's gun, once more lowering my head and focusing on the vital points of the paper body in front of me.
Is this what I have to exchange to have him?
I curled my finger against the trigger.
So be it.
"Tao. Yoh." Without turning around, the tone oozed the vengeful glare accompanying it.
Later on, we were taken to one of the private rooms that was only for the master's use…
"You were supposed to wait until I gave the order. That instrument is the mark of your rite of passage. Why are you so impatient?"
Losing my temper, I pounded my fists on the desk. "How will I protect you if I don't?!"
"Do you think a gun and martial arts are the only ways you can 'protect' me? And what do you take me for? Even now, I'm the best assassin of this organization, Tao. Or have I been so lax with you that you've forgotten?" He was seething, trying to keep himself in check.
"You can't keep me a child forever! I'm not going to be ignorant because I'm not!" Stepping forward, I continued, "You were already your brother's right-hand man by the time you were my age!"
He closed his eyes, and though I'd seen him in many types of moods, this time, he put his hand into a fist, eyed me, and extended his arm, hitting the wall beside him vehemently.
The wall cracked until it imploded into a mid-sized hole, his hand bruised and bleeding onto the oak floor. The force he'd used made it look like mere cardboard and not all the reinforced materials used to enhance his security.
"You protect me in every other way."
Finally, Fei Long opened his eyes. They were brimmed in red but not one tear fell.
My mouth opened. Those words pummeled me harder than anything else he could have ever shouted at me.
How? When have I ever done anything like that for you?
I'm powerless.
But from my master's eyes, he believed it to be true. And I'd tainted that trust with my juvenile act of rebellion by greedily rushing to my goal.
"Go away from my sight."
It was the first time Tao had shouted back at him. And he absolutely meant it.
Sure, he'd protested before but it all came together in the end. Even if he was opinionated, it was never that drastic before.
What could have motivated him to go against me?! That he couldn't wait until he was given permission, for it was coming!
The master looked at his throbbing hand.
It was good that I capped this before the word spread and I'd have to publicly make an example out of him.
After Fei Long turned around to stare out the window, Yoh opened the drawer with the medical supplies. He could predict most of what Fei Long was thinking.
It made Yoh uncomfortable sometimes. He was the only one allowed to witness Tao's honesty. To the others, Tao appeared compliant to an earnestly scary degree that stroked upon madness. The boy's loyalty was ideal, but it made the standards of their whole group rise in a convexed way.
Consequently, there were those pretending to be quiet over the matter, but were actually paranoid over the consequences of even scratching their leader's 'special property', the one who could become a worse threat than Yoh.
At this point, being the exact intersection where the group and Fei Long's leadership (while serving as the barricade also), only Yoh knew the truth though. Of how he and Fei Long kept Tao too close to a fault and that Tao was more in love with their leader than he'd let on. They, fortunately, mistook it as fervent devotion and nothing resembling the reality.
He'd made sure they'd only perceive it that way.
The master sighed. "It was as you'd predicted."
For the organization. And especially for him.
By the lifeless way he'd said it, Yoh knew that this wasn't the option Fei Long had wanted Tao to choose.
Not lifting his head, he took Fei Long's left hand and began to wipe it with alcohol before wrapping it with a bandage.
Being so alike in that respect, they're blind to one another.
Maybe, we all are./
+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/
/After being admonished for secretly training, a few weeks passed.
He was allowed to continue with Yoh's guidance and received a custom weapon with Fei Long's approval, representing that he'd become one of the rotating guards outside his door. From then on, he'd keep watch until Yoh relieved him.
That night, for reasons unknown, Tao felt uneasy. He was too conscious of the gun tucked under his clothes while his mind fought to stay alert. Many nights already lapsed by, but the memory of his master's wrath and anguish over him acquiring permission to carry arms continued to haunt him.
"You can no longer turn back. You share this responsibility with me," Yoh's eyes said as he handed me the weapon that Fei Long himself handpicked: A vintage, semi auto silver handgun.
As I held it my hands, I wondered how could something so aesthetically pretty with its sleek sheen, be so deadly? But then again, the same could be said for a katana and many other weapons lined up on the walls of our basement.
At around midnight, Tao heard loud shuffling in the room and muffled shouts of pain. It died down for a few seconds until something violently hit the wall.
PATON~! It was followed by another destructive pounding.
What's going on in there?! Should I-
"Tao, come inside," Fei Long said through the door. The tone was eerily serene.
Apprehensively, Tao was afraid of what was on the other side.
When he opened and closed the door behind him, his eyes opened in shock to find all four of the carved rosewood chairs pushed to their sides with their matching table overturned, distorted scratches on the walls, and pieces of broken, indistinguishable items scattered everywhere.
In the center of it all, a shirtless Yoh knelt on the ground with a blindfold, half-zippered pants, and a rope binding his wrists together in back of him.
The symbol marking Baishe property was freshly etched on his left scapula.
What...? Why?
There were blots of blood on the carpet and that's when he noticed Yoh's lips were dripping.
In front of Yoh, Fei Long squatted with an open robe tied at the waist, the hem barely covering his thighs and everything in between. The end of his smoking pipe in his mouth was just below Yoh's chin, the smoke touching but not the rim of the metal.
The demure smile on his master's lips were menacing and mesmerizing.
What the hell were you two doing?! And why did you let me in?!
Something was definitely wrong. Even if he'd seen his master and Yoh naked from their baths many times before, the sensuality in the air enwrapped his senses. Having half their clothing on seemed more dangerous than the weapons they carried.
I want to turn my eyes away but I can't…
Why is this happening?
With dark playfulness, Fei Long finally turned to look at Tao. "Take off the blindfold."
The agitated boy came forward to untie the soft material. Yoh remained absolutely still though he was sweating heavily, his vision pointed downwards to the carpet.
Tao couldn't explain it, but even as Fei Long stood up, the shadows and dimmed lights accentuated his alluring charisma. Although the scene presented another message to be deciphered, blatant and truthful, he didn't want to poke it or it would splatter before him.
But it was bursting to be pricked.
It was all too convenient to have him enter their secret realm.
What are you trying to show me now, Fei-sama?
But I know deep inside what this means because it's painful. I can't breathe. My heart is cracking open and gushing itself out.
Without being asked, the boy's words protruded sharply through Fei Long's chest, "Is this your warning for me?"
The master didn't say anything.
"If you're going to keep hurting yourself this way, I don't want to be a part of it. That goes for either of you."
Continuing to say nothing, the knife twisted hideously into Tao's heart even further.
Fei Long suddenly pinched Yoh's jaw, crushing it so he could witness Yoh wincing to the cruel caress.
"You are dismissed."
To Tao's ears, the order came distantly, farther than the twelve feet between them.
Standing by the door, he heard everything and was tortured. For years, even for an hour or two at a time, Yoh had woken him up to guard the door because he was the only one he'd trusted to be outside while he was inside. But he'd never heard anything.
In his ignorance, he hadn't suspected a thing.
It made sense why Yoh would come out and then I'd see a cut on his cheek or a bright blue bruise on his neck. Inconspicuous blemishes I thought that only came from protecting the master or from scuffles with rivals.
Little did I know what had really been going on.
This is what they've been doing all these years? Their ongoing cat and mouse game: The cat pawed cunningly at the mouse while the mouse pretended to cower out of deference.
Yoh was taking the pain that Fei-sama refused to outwardly show…
I won't cry. I AM STEEL. After all, you're the one who taught me how!
Master, you went to such lengths to clearly state that this was my punishment…
…but why am I more angry and hurt that I have another reason to be jealous of Yoh?
So at the tip of dawn, when Yoh came out of the room and resumed his post, he was as self-possessed as ever, the lake left undisturbed even if the murkiness of the bottom bubbled its dormant activities. Childishly, Tao gave him a resentful look and bit his lip, the waterfall about to fall forth from waiting in torment.
I could barely reach out my hands to his collar as my lower lip quivered. The hurricane of thoughts were unable to come out in words, the fury and the fact I was put in my place by doubtlessly showing how far our gap was. And it was widening the longer I took towards my goal.
Yoh stood sturdily with his hands folded before him as I walked back to my room.
Even when we trained like usual later on that day and I saw the scratches above his collarbone, the imprints on the wrists even under the cuffs (because he insisted on always wearing a suit through anything, saying it was his own cloak of invincibility), and the raw, swollen lips that taunted me, I poured out all my grievances though I kept my face completely stolid.
So this is what Yoh must feel like…
Then, he finally opened his mouth. "Yesterday was the anniversary that He lost everything, Tao."
Even if that was the truth, he made it obvious to me that this was His weapon for keeping me away./
Tsuzuku… / To be continued…
12/22/2020 8:26:12 PM– Los Angeles
12/23/2020 1:26:12 PM – Tokyo