I don't know how I got myself in this situation. I kept thinking about when and where it started, about how it all began, that maybe just maybe, if I was able to find the answers I could find a way to avoid the pattern that led me to this moment.

I soon found out that it was nothing but a wishful thinking. I tried for weeks, even months to figure out everything, but no matter what I did, nothing seems to come to mind. It was pointless in the end. All it did was bring me more questions to ponder on, making my head hurt from overthinking.

I realized then that I should stop. Slowly, I began to learn how to cope with it, and told myself numerous times to just accept the outcome and stop denying it, hoping that it might bring me a sense of justification or a sense of acceptance. Somehow it worked, but as the days go by, I know that somewhere, deep inside me, there's a huge part that still wishes to know just where and when it began.

It's silly, I know I'm being stupid, because even if I knew all the answer to my questions, what would have change then?

I'd still be stuck here feeling hopeless all the time, and I'd still rant and wallow in self-pity over and over again until I exhaust myself. I'd still be a downer which is sad because I'm not usually like this, because I'm a cheerful person, or at least I used to be.

I can't remember the last time I felt at ease before all of this happened, and I've been in this situation for months now but I still think about it, like it all happened yesterday. It's as if I'm still stuck in that particular moment where the universe stood still, and the state of shock that I felt that day was still buried somewhere deep inside my mind.

There's no easy way to explain it. I can't exactly define what the situation is. I think the closest thing I could compare it to is that, it felt like getting hit with a bus while crossing the same familiar street every day.

You were out there thinking that nothing would ever happen to you, and that it's almost impossible to get hit with anything even with a simple bike because you've been crossing that same familiar street for years now that you know it inside out, and yet, even the most impossible thing can happen, and the next thing you know, you're lying in a hospital bed surrounded by the nothingness of white.

That's how sudden it is, that's what I feel, that's the kind of feeling that haunts me every now and then. I know it's still hard to understand, but we're getting there even if my mind is nothing but a jumbled mess. I think the reason why I ended up in this situation is because it got me by surprise, and I didn't have enough time to process how and when it happened, because it just did, and I have to deal with it.

I guess I deserved this for not being careful. For being oblivious, for being naive, for not expecting the unexpected that's why I landed here, and it would have been easy for me if I could just accept these words wouldn't it? But I couldn't, I couldn't swallow them because in the end, I always end up wondering if it was really my fault to begin with.

Is it really my fault for not noticing that I'm slowly beginning to fall in love so suddenly to the point of no return?

It's strange because looking back at it, the signs are always there but I chose ignore it. I kept thinking that something as small as this or as small as that was nothing out of the ordinary. What I didn't know was that I was already ignoring the red lights, and the yellow ones because at that point the sign wasn't clear. I was oblivious, too careless, carefree, and not at all doubtful, and then the next thing I know, I was carelessly crossing the street not knowing that the light was green… and then… that's how it got me.

I fell, and I fell hard.

My grandma once told me that love is deceitful, it creates a specific trap, designed to capture you. It will feel natural, almost silent, and you wouldn't even think of it especially when you're always in the same vicinity with that person. You wouldn't have guess that something will develop overtime because it's always been there like some kind of routine. Seeing that person every day is normal, nothing out of the ordinary, until eventually your stare will linger longer and you'll begin to wonder why you're staring in the first place.

You'll begin to notice the smallest things, even the most minimal ones, like the type of perfume they're wearing, or the kind of shampoo they use. Basically, just anything about that person will capture your interest, even the way they talk, the way they smile, the way they move or do small things that not everyone may notice, you'll begin to see all of them subconsciously. Silent, deadly.

They'll become more attractive in your eyes. It's as if you can't believe that they're real and they're made for your eyes to admire and absorb carefully like a fine china, and the sooner you realize this, the faster you'll end up wanting to do anything for them without even asking for something in return.

It sounds cheeky doesn't it?

Hearing all of these from my grandma was weird back then, but now, it sounds like a nightmare that came to life. She was quick to remind me that there's nothing wrong with falling in love, and it would be best for me to let it be, and just fall deeper and deeper until it becomes a part of me, until it consumes me, and burn me with passion. Little did she know that it did consume me and now I'm half insane.

She was wrong, my grandma is one of the smartest people I know, but she was wrong. Falling in love could be a very bad thing, especially when you fall in love with the wrong person, which is what exactly happened to me…

I fell in love with the wrong person.

I know right, and can my life get any worse? Of course it can, because I fell for someone who tormented me since day one. I don't want to mention her name, but a certain Goth with an enigmatic personality should have given my thoughts away. I fell in love with someone who will never be at my arm's reach. The one who until now continues to plague my thoughts every day.

I fell in love with Jade West, and her very name send shivers down my spine.

She was authentic, the kind of darkness I wouldn't mind blending myself in, and all those languid feelings that I've felt for her eventually tire me out from running, to the point where I stopped caring and let the magnetic pull that attracts me towards her capture me entirely.

Now that's the big spill, the moment where I knew that I am trapped in this situation. It's a mess really, and I'm tired of looking for a way out. I guess it is my fault after all, and now I'm out here, thinking deeper and deeper almost drowning in my own thoughts as if I wasn't performing in front of a raging crowd.

I forgot to tell that it's the full moon jam, and everyone's gathered here at the asphalt cafe to enjoy the free food and performance that the night has to offer. Everyone's bubbling with excitement and energy as I sing my heart out on the stage, and they are thrilled and enjoying the life of the party, while here I am, faking my enthusiasm as they scream with praises and cheer.

I couldn't help but wonder how long can I keep this cheerful exterior. Pretending that I'm happy and free, even when I feel nothing, is a great way of hiding what I truly feel inside, but just how long can I keep this kind of act? The mere fact that no one ever notice means that the facade must be working, so maybe I am a great actress after all, but on the inside, thoughts of me and her would never leave me, and I almost froze the second that I met her gaze.

She's currently watching Andre and I, sing in front of the crowd where my eyes are solely focused on her. I couldn't help but be mesmerized at the view of her blue-green eyes. They always manage to strike me with intensity.

Someone told me that eyes are the mirror to the soul, and that you'd know what a person is feeling based on just looking to their eyes, but Jade is a different story, she always was, because whenever I look into her eyes it doesn't mirror her soul at all, it mirrors the entirety of the universe and I could see the galaxy of stars roaming around them, and instead of knowing her she only gets mysterious day by day.

I guess that's how she reeled me in. That smirk of hers, her sarcasm, the insults, and our usual bickering, all of them made sense now. I smiled bitterly at the thought. What I'd give to turn back time and be my oblivious self again.

I saw Beck's arm wrapped possessively around her shoulders, and I felt a jolt of pain in my chest, is this what getting hit with an arrow feels like? They were cuddled up together while sitting at the hood of Beck's car and they look so good together almost like a perfect match, and it hurts.

If I wasn't in love with her, I would support them in a heartbeat, but no matter how hard I try to I convince myself I simply can't do it. I think that the world is playing a great joke on me because out of all the people that my heart could possibly choose from, it decided to pick a girl with a bitter-twisted soul, and the icing to the cake was, her heart belongs to a guy who actually deserves it and will cherish it with his own.

It's just so unfair, and who am I kidding? Jade West wasn't all that twisted.

She's so captivating, that even those who were afraid of her can't take their eyes off once she storms around the hallway walking as if she owns the entire place. She just continues to lure everyone's attention without even trying, she's like a siren, but she doesn't even have to sing, she can just stand there, and stare at you, and you'll know what you're in for. I'm jealous of Beck for noticing how amazing she was before I even came along.

Jade's lucky to be with him too, Beck is the perfect gentleman despite his good looks and gorgeous hair (which any girl in the campus would kill to run their hands on), I know that he's the perfect partner for her. So yes, here I am, having these kinds of thoughts making me feel terrible and guiltier as if I'm rubbing more salt on my already tattered wound. I mean, I get it, it's obvious that they're meant for each other and everyone can see that, everyone except for me.

The full moon jam is still packed with students dancing below us as we perform on the stage. We're currently singing the song Andre wrote for Jade, and I'm helping him get rid of his unsure, yet somehow present feelings for her.

It all began when he called me last night around 3AM. I know someone who is sane enough wouldn't call me for no reason at a time like that, so I had my suspicion that it must be an emergency and I was right (even though I wish I wasn't). He told me, with panic in his eyes, that he somehow developed feelings for Jade, and I was shocked but then again I wasn't, because it's Jade, who wouldn't fall for Jade?

I secretly hoped that the hot chocolate I made for him would change his mind, that maybe this was just a bad dream, but of course, miracles don't happen, at least not to me. I understand Andre and why he was so troubled that evening because he was Beck's bestfriend. It must be tough for him knowing that he's crushing or developing feelings for his bestfriend's girlfriend, since I've been in the same dilemma once, which is why even if I'd rather stay home tonight, I helped him perform the song that he composed for Jade instead.

Which bring us back here.

I heard Andre say his thank you's in front of the crowd and that's when I snapped out of my reverie. I zoned out again, great, I should really stop getting lost in my head. I quickly composed myself before flashing a smile at the familiar faces in front of me. I must be really deep inside my mind that I didn't even notice it was over. I'm glad it was because I just want to go home and sleep the night away.

Andre and I eventually went down the stage and we soon reached our friends. Jade pulled Andre into a big warm hug, and it made me slightly jealous. Why can't she hug me like that? Oh, right, the girl hates me with every fiber of her soul. It's amusing to think that she hates me because I kissed Beck during our acting improv on the first day of class, but if she only knew that I was after her and not her boyfriend, would she still treat me the same way?

Beck, Jade, Cat, and Robbie eventually went back inside the lobby, leaving Andre and I at the asphalt cafe having a heart-to-heart conversation about his feelings for Jade. He was unsure if he still likes her or not, but by a short lock of surprise, a girl asked him to hang and he immediately said yes.

I envy him knowing that he can easily move on from his feelings for Jade, but I can't say the same for me. I tried dating but it didn't work, I tried ignoring her but we always get paired by sikowitz, I tried distancing myself but it's impossible since we're in the same group of friends.

I know that I can't continue being like this, and I know it's not easy but it will always be harder for me to love someone from a distance. Just what did I do to end up like this? I honestly don't know. I guess I'll never know, or maybe this is the time where I have to recall everything, right from the beginning, from how we met, up to here, and maybe then, I'll have the answers.

I don't really know how to move on from Jade West...

Or will I even be able to?