The Beginning is the End is the Beginning
It hits me harder than I thought possible. Maybe it's not just this but the culmination of events that have led me here. I've changed, become more human, embraced the feelings I once thought so inconvenient, and now those feelings are so overwhelming.
'I need to find something stronger.' Rios mumbles to himself as he climbs up from the wall we've been sitting on. My attention stays on the setting sun, its display a graphic yellow, orange and red that's splashed across the sky. All I can seem to think of is all those xb's, lost and in need of direction.
'She says it will work.' Raffi sits down next to me, her body slumps in exhaustion and something resembling defeat. 'With my luck it will, then I'll have to go through the damned process again.' She hands me a bottle.
'You mean his death.' I know intrinsically what she means. I take a swig from the bottle, something resembling real alcohol slides down my throat.
'You know i thought I hated him once.' She turns, looking me in the eye. 'I hated him because it was better than hating myself.' How has he attracted such tortured souls, every one of them. 'I'm realizing how broken I am.' She whispers looking out across the landscape, grabbing the bottle back and drinking deeply.
'We've all been broken.' Raffi laughs, a sad despondent sound.
'What are you going to do with all of them?' She jerks her head in the direction of the cube. Do I even know the answer to that?
'There's this part of me that wants to run.' I rake my fingers through my hair. The feeling of being connected, being queen, it haunts me and it scares me.
'And the other part?' I turn and face her.
'They are my people, they are like me.' Sometimes I wish I had the control over my emotions like I did years ago. The tears come too easy. Raffi reaches up, her fingertips wipe away the wet trails that streak down my cheek.
'They're family?'
'Something like that.' I can't help but laugh. 'It's hard figuring out how to be human again.' She grabs my hand in hers, squeezing it. 'But maybe here..' I look around. 'Maybe they'll be better off here.' Silence drifts between us.
'You don't always have to be alone.' She says, finally breaking the stillness. I look at her, eyebrow quirked up. How would she know? 'You're a legend, remember?' She smiles.
'You can't believe everything you hear.'
'Tell me I'm wrong?' I've stolen moments when the loneliness begins to eat me up, but never the same person more than once.
'And you?' I avoid answering.
'I deserve it.' She sighs, the smile falls quickly from her face. 'I've done shit I'm not proud of….aliented the people who loved me.' Her facial muscles shift as she fights memories. 'I need a damned drink.' The bottle in her hand is empty now. Raffi begins to stand but I grab her arm, stopping her, and I can't help what happens next. I pull her towards me fully intent on kissing her, not caring for this one second about anything else. As our lips meet, she hesitates, making me question the sanity of my action.
Her hands come up to hold my face as she leans into the moment. Lips part, tongues meet, and I'm engulfed by this. The strong taste of liquor lingers on my lips as we pull back, faces just millimeters away. I feel like we're both asking the same silent question.
'I was not expecting this.' She smiles in this breathless way that almost makes my heart stop. I shake my head slowly at her.
'Neither was I.'
'Come on.' As she pulls me to my feet, I realize now would be a good time to stop this. 'Second thoughts?' Raffi asks, somehow knowing whats going on in my head. She displays her emotions so easily on her face, there's no attempt to hide anything. Why should this end here, why not just see what happens? So many reasons. But I need this moment, I need her. Wrapping my arms around her, I melt against her body, kissing her with more fervor than before. I feel desperate in a way I've never felt.
'Seven.' She breathes out, attempting to pull away. Her face reflects the same wants and needs I'm feeling. We both have too much loss, too much pain. I feel more human in this moment than I have, maybe ever. 'We…..' She looks confused, eyes turn down searching the earth beneath her feet. I know now is the time to leave. I extricate my self from her arms, feeling a deep hole in the pit of my stomach as I do so. I swallow hard.
'I'm sorry I…' Raffie immediately cuts me off.
'Shit, you're as stubborn as he is. I'm beginning to think I like torturing myself.' She gestures around us. 'This is not the best place to be doing this. Now, we can go up to the ship unless you have a better idea.' I smirk at her. 'That's what I thought.' Suddenly I find myself being pulled through the colony to the transporter. The grin she gives me as we find ourselves on her ship eases nerves I hadn't even noticed till now.
'Not the biggest room.' She apologizes as we walk into her quarters.
'Does the door lock?' I ask. I can tell her heart rate quickens as her breath becomes more shallow. She gives the lock command and we are left in this space just staring at each other.
'It's been a long time…' She begins to say, but why let her continue. My hands slide into her hair, the curls slipping through my fingers. I find her lips with mine, the kiss as gentle as can be. I taste her, my tongue making a slow exploration across her lips, her teeth, her tongue. A moan rumbles from somewhere deep in her throat. I can't stop here though, my curiosity is killing me. I kiss a trail across her jawline, pulling her head the other direction to expose her neck.
'You're killing me.' Her voice cracks.
'Good or bad?' I smile against her skin, my lips still until I hear her answer.
'Both.' My teeth scrape down her neck. Her body becomes rigid and liquid all at the same time. 'Fuck this.' Her fingers scramble at my clothes in a desperate attempt to pull them off. Reluctantly I pull away, helping her pull the fabric from my skin before I do the same to her. Her eyes rake up and down my body in its new found nudity. 'Well shit.' This seems all she can manage to say. But her look drips in desire.
'It doesn't bother you?' I'm genuinely curious.
'What, this?' Her fingers flit across my implants. 'You think I care about that? If you hadn't noticed I'm not exactly in the best shape.' She motions at herself as if this, to her, is a much bigger deal. 'I'm not as young as I used to be.' I smile, pulling her into my arms. The warmth of her skin intoxicating as it melds to me.
'And you think I care about that?' My senses fill with her smell. She sweeps a few errant strands of hair from my face.
'What is this?' She asks.
'I don't know.' I say honestly. She smiles.
'At least it's not just me.' The smallest bit of movement against her skin causes electricity to fill my veins. I breath in deep, taking in all the details as my fingertips trace down her arm, till they are laced with her own. Leaning in, I rub my cheek against hers as my eyes fall closed. The soft sensation of her skin is simply intoxicating.
Her other hand clings to my upper back, as if she might fall any moment. Our bodies sway to some silent song, it's beat in time with the pumping of my heart. My tongue drifts across the skin of her neck, tasting of salt, honey and the bitterness of liquor she's been drinking.
Something breaks inside of me, letting out a flood heat. I find her lips with mine, both of my hands grabbing the back of her neck. I want to drown in this. The kiss intensifies, feeling like grief, and pain, and loneliness. Gasping, ragged moans fill the stillness of the air, and we haven't even moved.
An invisible force pulls us toward the bed, a tangle of limbs and fingers feeling out the expanse of skin so foreign to us. My teeth pull on her lip, sucking and licking it with my tongue. I move my body down, trailing kisses across skin already becoming slick with sweat. Her hands tangle into my hair as her body begins to respond to me. I find the roundness of her breast, sucking at the skin, teasing her skin with my tongue.
A string of curses burst forth from her as the warmth of my mouth encompasses her nipple. I flick my tongue back and forth, sucking and nipping my teeth against it. I'm becoming drunk with lust as each sound she makes drives me in my exploration. My fingers find the dampness between her legs. She stops breathing as they begin to push within the warmth. My own body shudders at the sensation, and I feel like I just want to be a part of her.
As her lungs begin to work again, I capture her lips with mine. I'm insistent that she understand the desire coursing through my veins is all for her in this moment. As my fingers begin to move, so does her body. A rhythm ignites as she begins to beg me for more.
'More what?' I whisper against her lips as I breath in her ragged gasps.
'You. This. Fuck.' I chuckle, withdrawing my fingers with torturous slowness.
'You're fucking killing me.' She pulls me closer, her mouth crushing against mine. I have no doubt they will be bruised and swollen by the end of this, but I could not love it more. Her fingernails dig into my scalp till fists are formed and she's pulling at my hair.
'What a beautiful death it would be.' These words come unbidden from somewhere in the depths of my memory. My fingers move with purpose within her, my hand beginning to pump with more speed. I focus now on her neck, chest, breasts as her head falls back pulling her lips from my reach. My fingers curl and uncurl within her walls with each in and out. Her body quivers beneath me as I can feel how close she is. My hand moves harder, deepening the impact of my fingers, and each time eliciting a yell. Her body becomes taught, her breathing stalls. I feel her walls clenching my fingers, whose movements I refuse to decrease. One orgasm rolls through her only to be followed by another, and another until she begs for me to stop. As I gasp for air, her fingers search out desperately to reciprocate. The sudden invasion inside me causing me to cry out. She pumps from beneath me, my body swaying over her as I push back, rocking against her thrusts. I can only manage to hold her gaze below me for a few moments before a bomb goes off within and lights jump before my eyes. I manage to stay propped above her as liquid fire courses through me. I'm finding it hard to breath for a moment.
Her hand on my cheek breaks the daze thats overcome me. The two of us are lost in each other's eyes as our bodies begin to calm.
'You're beautiful.' She murmurs. And though I'm no stranger to compliments, this genuine confession pierces my heart. I don't want to become attached to her. I know in the end she will be taken from me like everything else. I slump to her side, hiding the tears that are threatening to expose my fears. But she refuses to let me hide, bringing her forehead against mine as we lay side by side. 'I would think that's something you're used to hearing.' A small smile plays at her lips, the only thing I can bring myself to focus on.
'Not the way you said it.' I confess. What is this? Why have I become drawn to her? Is it just for comfort after everything that's happened? These human parts of me that are still trying to take hold are causing confusion within my soul. Her fingers begin to draw lazy patterns across my hip and my thigh, eliciting a shudder and my eyes to fall closed briefly.
'I'm tired of being broken.' She whispers. 'I want to put my pieces back together.' There's silence as her words sink in.
'There's nothing stopping you but yourself.' I finally meet her eyes with my own.
'What if I don't want you to leave?' Raffi confesses suddenly.
'Why?' I wonder if I can even fully give myself over to someone.
'I think..' She looks away, seemingly searching for the words to say. 'This..this was more than I thought it would be.' Her words are so vague but I understand completely.
'We barely know each other.'
'But we just helped save the universe.' She laughs and I laugh with her.
'I guess you're right about that.' My arms wrap around her as I pull her body closer.
'If this is it, it will break my heart but I understand, you have your own story to play out.'
'And why would it break your heart?' My eyebrow quirks up.
'Because.' Her thumb traces across my bottom lip. 'There's so much more to be explored here. I feel at peace for these few moments with you. Look at me, talking like a damned lovesick puppy.' Raffi pulls away, rolling to her back as an arm falls over her face. 'I'm sorry, don't listen to me. This was beautiful but I know this fucked up universe isn't kind to people like me.' She moves to get out of bed.
'Do you think I'm so cold that I don't feel anything?' How often have I been told that? She turns, a look of pure devastation on her face.
'I never….' She looks as if she is about to cry, swallowing so hard I can see the movement of her neck. 'Jesus Seven. You feel more than you are willing to admit.' She stands, pulling her clothes back on.
'Stop.' My voice is barely above a whisper. Her movement halts. 'Is it a good idea for two people who are haunted by their past be together?'
'And who should I be with?' Raffi leaves without giving me a chance to respond.