Author: MoiraShipper
Summary: When Sam opens the Book of the damned he finds some letters left by Rowena which talk about Crowley's father, Lucifer, Ketch and, him.
Hold on we can survive
Chapter 1
So hold on
We can survive
Trusting each other
Loving each other
Cristina Taddonio-Hold on
Sam was at the bunker's library tidying up the books but the true was that it had been only an excuse he'd given Dean because he wasn't feeling up that night to go in a hunt, letting him go alone. That day would be six months since he... had killed Rowena in that crypt and that still haunted him.
He hated that memory because even of a tender moment had happened between them as she'd caressed his face with her eyes shinning as she said they'd become very fond of each other, before they'd hugged each other. Because now every time he thought about the redhead he could only remember about her sad smile as she removed the dagger he'd sunk in her belly.
And he'd never had the courage to tell her how he felt. That it had been much more than just fondness, he'd fallen in love her in that last months seeing her smirks, the scottish accent when he'd call him by his full name and her shinning eyes.
The witch who used to be his enemy and with whom he'd started having only a relationship based in a favor exchange full of mistrust little by little had evolved and they became colleagues at their 'work' during their fight against Amara and the pressure to stop Lucifer from conceiving a child and then to a friendship when she'd returned from death and they'd had a talk about their fears in the car and from there Sam knew the friendship had turned into love, an irony for falling in love with supernatural beings who he always ended losing.
He'd survive until now but always losing the women for whom he'd been in love. Jessica, Amelia, Amy. And now Rowena and the worst part it had been by his own hands and she'd never be able to feel the love from the world that she deserved and he hadn't had the courage to show her. His heart belonged to her even if he'd made her own stop and he felt a monster.
"I'm sorry Rowena..."
His elbow then hit on a book and it felt on the floor, scattering some papers and the man crouched down frowning at seeing it was the Book of the damned they'd recovered from the crypt and he then grabbed the lost papers, realizing they weren't older like the book but seemed new and untouched and he went to his bedroom carrying them.
When he saw it had his name on it in a delicate handwritten addressed to 'Samuel' he knew from who it was and his heart started to beat fast, his eyes burning as he sat on his desk and stared at the first letter, afraid of what he would find there.
Fear of never getting over what h felt for her because it'd been moths and he couldn't stop thinking about her and fear of what she had to say to him because nothing would change for her but for him nothing he could say she would be able to hear and he murmured tired and with longing:
"Rowena Macleod, what d you want with me..."
Sam's eyes then went to the glass of whiskey he'd left there and then he took a long sip and held the letters again with his fingers trembling and he took a deep breath reading:
Hello Samuel, it's Rowena Macleod. If you're reading this letter it probably means that I'm dead now, by your hands as it was in the prophecy and now I'm just a memory in your mind.
I'm writing the last letter which actually is the first here in this crypt while your brother and you discuss what you can do to stop this apocalypse and I feel horrible for not having the courage to tell you now that I know how we can to id and that maybe it means that you'll have to kill me so you can survive.
I don't have the courage because even after 300 years I still want to live and fall in love. Because I'm tired of empty relationships to fill the void where love should be, a feeling that I feared that could make me weak. But the problem now is that I fell in love with the hunter destined to kill me, who taught me that love isn't weakness and I've changed so much to better because of you Samuel.
But I can let the world die so I can live, I can't let you risk doing that, the reason why I won't tell you 'I love you' when the moment comes, but in this letter Samuel. Instead I'll say 'we've got very fond of each other, right?'.
"God, Rowena..." Sam moaned taking a hand to his tired face and brushing it as he remembered of that moment, of her small and delicate hand caressing his rough face with that smile, touched while his eyes filled with tears just like now. "I was idiot, I should have told you that there to you..."
But there is another reason for I not saying it too. Better, three. Three monsters who different from you, had lied to me with these words. You don't deserve to suffer, you aren't a monster if by the way you're thinking that but I wanted you to understand why I am what I am or was now. Go to the next letter giant, if you want to because I don't want you to feel obliged.
Samuel lowered the letter still running a hand through his face as he stared at her beautiful handwritten which was becoming a blur with his eyes full of tears and he lowered it, looking to his right side and his heart started beating fast for a moment.
His mind was imagining Rowena standing there by his side with her arms crossed over her pink dress, her green and well outlined eyes shinning as she gave him one of her mysterious smile and he stared at her frowning, shaking his head slightly with so many words stuck in his throat but she only smiled, calming him and then he stared at her with fondness and longing and he murmured:
"Should I keep going?"
And she uncrossed her arms placing a hand over his desk, leaving her delicate fingers only inches apart from his and she smirked but with a soft look and whispered:
"Go ahead, you know you want... You'll survive to them..."
"But what about you?" But she didn't reply , being involved by the longing she'd felt as she stared to the letters and Sam closed his eyes then, counting until five and then he grabbed the second letter.
tbc