Chapter One
I don't own Star Wars.
The door chime tinkled as Luke entered the store. The teen was immediately hit by a wave of cool air conditioning. A relief from the baking pavement outside, but also musty and recycled.
Luke inhaled deeply. That - that was the smell of mystery.
"Hello Luke!" The shopkeeper greeted. He was a tiny man in his middle fifties, with a back brace and arthritis, but an easy smile for one of his few local customers. Most of his foot traffic being hipsters and yuppies up from L.A. on their way to Mammoth, seeking cheap bargains on small-town heirlooms pawned to pay the bills...or worse, antique hunters out to resell at a higher price on eBay. "Your Uncle know you're in here?"
Luke grinned back. "Yup. He's in a good mood today. Some business up in Independence with the county or something. Aunt Beru talked him into letting me hitch a ride."
Luke lived with his Aunt and Uncle on a farm out in the valley. They grew alfalfa and did some ranching on the side, but it was really Uncle Owen's job with the Inyo County Water Department that kept the farm running. Luke figured his uncle was just too damn stuck on their way of life to fold and sell the farm, but it could also be that there wasn't a buyer. Luke didn't blame anyone. Who in their right mind would move to a dusty desert valley? Luke was hoping to start community college in the fall, but if he had the money he'd be out of here - off to UC Davis like his friend Biggs.
The owner chuckled, warm amber eyes crinkling. "Well, take a look around. Not sure if we've got much interesting in since your last visit, but you know the drill. Special discount today for anyone named Skywalker." He winked.
"Thanks Mister Nebit," Luke said cheerfully. This was why he loved combing through The Sand Crawler the most. Best junk shop on all of Highway 395.
As Luke browsed, his eyes lit on a pair of figurines inside a glass case. They looked like little robots. One was golden, humanoid, his hand resting on a stout blue-and-white domed thingy.
"Why hello there." Luke said, tapping on the glass with a smile. "Aren't you two adorable. Beep boop boop."
The smaller domed figurine let out a high pitched trill.
Luke jumped back, heart racing. He quickly calmed down. Perhaps the toys were motion activated? He must have set it off when he rapped on the glass. Luke moved closer to examine them in more detail.
"Hey Mister Nebit," Luke called, "I'd like to look at the action figures in this case."
"One moment!" The shop owner called back. His light footsteps scuffed on the tatty carpet as he rounded the corner. He came to a stop next to Luke, running a set of keys through his fingers. "Those things?" He asked, peering at the two robots in the display case.
"Yup." Luke confirmed.
"Funny," Mr. Nebit said, as he unlocked the case. "I don't remember picking up any toys like this lately. Maybe my wife though." He gently withdrew the two figurines and passed them to Luke.
Luke took them, one in each hand. They felt warm to the touch and almost...familiar. Like he should know them somehow or had seen them from somewhere. "Any idea what franchise these little guys are from? They look so familiar."
Mr. Nebit shrugged. "No idea. Could be a collector's item worth millions, and I wouldn't know. I suppose that's the kind of thing those eBay guys are always looking for. Think they're gonna be famous on Pawn Stars or something. If I'm any expert though, they look like they were made in the 70's. Maybe one of those Japanese shows. Tonkatsu or whatever."
"Tokusatsu." Luke corrected. "Like Ultraman."
"Never heard of him." Mr. Nebit dismissed.
Luke lifted the blue-and-white domed one closer to his face. "Hello hello hello," Luke said. At Mr. Nebit's curious look, Luke explained. "I think they might have sound effects. I swear that this one whistled and lit up when I touched the glass."
Mr. Nebit examined the display case for smudges. He threw Luke a disapproving look.
"Sorry." Luke said sheepishly.
Mr Nebit sighed. "Tell ya what. Why don't you take those home. If you can figure out what they're worth and fix 'em up, I'll give you a cut if we find a buyer. If no one buys 'em, you can keep 'em. I know how much you like that Japanese stuff."
"You mean Anime," Luke corrected again. "It's not the same as Tokusatsu, though there are some Tokusatsu shows that have animes, and even…" Luke trailed off. "You need to spend more time on the internet, Mr. Nebit."
The shop owner chuckled in fond exasperation. "Probably. But if I did I'd rather figure out how to work Amazon Marketplace and get this stuff shipping online myself. Hells bells it's too confusing."
"Dolls." Uncle Owen muttered at the dinner table. "I let him wander in that fruity cuckoo shop and of course he buys dolls."
Luke rolled his eyes. "They're not dolls Uncle Owen, they're action figures."
"Awfully cute for action figures."
"I only got them to see if I can fix them." Luke defended.
Aunt Beru tried to hide her smile behind her hand. "I think they're very cool, Luke. And I'm sure you'll be able to fix them."
Luke smiled. "Thanks Aunt Beru."
Uncle Owen glowered. "The boy is too old to be playing with dolls, is all I'm saying. He's goddamn eighteen. I don't know why I'm paying for him to go to more school. If he's still immature enough to play with dolls, he could spend another year here helping you with the farm, Beru, and man up."
"Owen!" Beru exclaimed. Luke slammed his utensils down on the table.
"Excuse me, Aunt, Uncle. I'm done eating now." Luke said as he stood up and stormed from the table.
"No, Luke, come back!" Aunt Beru called after him.
"I'll be in my room! Fixing my dolls!" Luke shouted down the hallway. He stomped up the stairs. He heard Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen arguing downstairs faintly.
"Ungrateful brat!" Uncle Owen said, voice drifting up the stairwell. "Dolls. It's just like something his father would buy."
"Is that such a bad thing?" Aunt Beru countered softly.
Luke slammed his door, blocking them out. Fine already, he got it. He was just like his deadbeat dad. A weirdo. A trucker who knocked up some woman, then got himself killed in a police chase running drugs over the border. When Luke was little he thought that was an exciting story, until the kids at school started calling him names like "druggie kid" and "wormie" - on account of the fact that worms must be eating his father's body of course, wherever it was. Or so Camie the queen bitch said. That was back in Fourth grade. Luke was pretty sure that no one else remembered how the nickname came about, but it had stuck.
"Good lord, I have to get out of here." Luke muttered as he walked to his desk. He pulled out his cheap office chair and slumped, looking over to the two action figures standing under a work lamp next to his toolbox. Luke opened the kit and pulled out a flathead screwdriver. He gave it an experimental twirl. "Maybe I should just enlist. What do guys think?"
"I think that would be highly inadvisable, Master Luke." The golden robot said. "Please put down the weapon, oh! I don't think Artoo and I could survive!"
"Waaaah!" Luke screamed, dropping the screwdriver and scrambling to his feet. He stared at the little golden robot, aghast, as the toy's eyes glowed golden and it tottered to the edge of the desk.
A knock sounded at the bedroom door. "Is everything alright in there, Luke?" Called Beru's muffled voice.
Luke licked his dry lips, and tore his gaze away from the toy robot, which had been examining him in turn, metal head titled curiously. "Yeah, fine. We're all fine in here."
"Well okay," Aunt Beru said doubtfully. "I'm clearing the table. If you get hungry later, leftovers are in the refrigerator."
"Thanks Aunt Beru!" Luke called back. He whipped his eyes back to the desk. "You...you…"
The golden robot shifted. "I say, you seem rather tongue tied- no, not yet Artoo." The taller bot shifted, scolding his shorter companion as it rolled forward to bump into its legs.
Luke groped for his chair, collapsing down in wonder. "What are you two?" He whispered.
The golden robot straightened. "Ah yes, I suppose introductions are in order. Pardon me, that that was terribly rude of us. We shall never be forgiven. Yes, yes Artoo I'm getting to it." He said as the smaller toy beeped and bumped into him again. "No, of course not. Master Luke here saved us so we must be polite.
"I," the taller robot resumed, "am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2. You have our eternal gratitude for freeing us from that awful cage. When we became trapped, I simply didn't know what to do. Starve I suppose. I thought we were doomed!"
The Artoo robot beeped indignantly.
"Yes Artoo droids can starve, and it was your ridiculous idea that got us into this mess in the first place."
"Um, let me get this straight. Are you guys...are you guys actual robots?"
The gold toy looked affronted. "We are most certainly not robots. We -" the gold droid indicated himself and his dome-headed companion. "Are Princess Companions. And well, droids I suppose."
Luke laughed hysterically. He must have broken his fucking mind. "Princess Companions? As in, the cuddly sidekick from some kind of magical girl show?" Luke didn't know, that was just where his brain went first. They did look like sci-fi PreCure knockoffs.
Artoo trilled and Threepio huffed. "No, as in Jedi Princess Companions. I say, Artoo. He doesn't look like he knows about the Jedi. Whatever are we to do now?"
Artoo let out a string of beeps. His wheels lit up with booster rockets and before Luke could react, the little droid zoomed out the open window over Luke's desk, punching a hole in the mesh bug screen.
"Shit!" Luke exclaimed.
"Artoo!" Threepio wailed into the darkening sky. "Don't do that, you know I can't fly!"
Luke snatched Threepio from the desk and ran to the door. He bounded down the stairs and tore out of the house, screen door screeching on its rusty spring as he searched the horizon for the strange creature.
There! Luke spotted a glimmering light in the dusk, sputtering unevenly like a firefly, as it bobbed and weaved its way into the green fields. He leapt from the porch and sprinted. The Inyo mountains glowed like red sentinels in the setting sun, the valley floor already cast in shadow and rapidly cooling. It wasn't smart to go running around the farm in the dark, but too late now.
"Oh my, I don't know what Artoo is thinking." Threepio observed, struggling for a more comfortable grip in Luke's fist. "He can't keep that up for long. I apologize, Master Luke."
Luke looked down at the toy robot - no, droid - in belated suspicion. "How do you….huff...know my name, anyway?" He panted between breaths.
The droid blinked up at him innocently, golden orbs like eerie lamps in the fading light. "We overheard it at the shop. Master Luke, where do you think he's going?"
"Looks like...to the creek...huff. Don't know…what he'd find there though."
"Hmmm." Threepio sighed. "He keeps going on about the mission. You don't suppose Princess Obi-Wan lives in your creek, do you?"
Luke nearly stumbled. "What? No! Why would a Princess live in our creek?"
"Pity. I suppose he's just out of fuel then. Looks like he's setting down."
Luke cursed as the flickering lights descended into the thicket of bramble and out of view. He slowed to an easy jog, then a walk, trying not to get horror film vibes from the long sharp shadows cast by gnarled branches of willow and desert juniper crowding the creek. This was his family's land. He wasn't going to scared like some kind of red shirt. Even if he was literally chasing a U.F.O. right now.
"Hey Artoo!" Luke called. "C'mon little guy. I'm not gonna hurt you!"
A series of trills answered Luke's call, and Luke honed in on a break in the scrub. He got down on his butt and shimmied under a juniper branch, sliding down the embankment. Sure enough, Artoo was there, perched on a granite boulder in the middle of the near-dry creek, hooting and rocking from side to side.
Threepio humphed at whatever Artoo had to say. "Well I could have told you that. You knew you couldn't get far."
Artoo tooted mournfully, blinking blue ' 'eye' swiveling to survey his situation on the boulder.
"Well then why'd you land there?" Threepio asked primly. "I say, serves you right."
Luke couldn't help it. He laughed despite himself. "Are you stuck, little guy?"
The droid bleeped indignantly.
Luke bit down a smirk. "Well if I help you get down from there, do you promise not to run off again?"
Artoo hooted remorsefully. Threepio translated from Luke's fist. "Oh yes, master Luke, he promises!
No more trouble!"
Luke raised an eyebrow, unsure somehow if that was actually what the little droid said, but he hopped across the trickling water and mud to get to the boulder. He picked Artoo up and crossed back. Luke was trying to figure out the best way back up the embankment with a droid in each hand, when a cold chill ran down his spine.
Luke just had time to register the mountain lion, when he slipped in the mud and everything went black.
"Easy there," said an old but gentle voice as Luke swam back to consciousness. He was greeted by the sight of an old-school kerosene camping lantern, and laughing blue eyes over a snowy but trim beard.
Luke bolted upright. "Ben Kenobi! What the heck are you doing on our land? Uncle Owen's gonna flip." It was no secret that Luke's uncle hated the old hermit. The man squatted in an old mining cabin up in the Inyo foothills, near their farm. No one knew what the bad blood between them was, but Luke remembered Uncle Owen chasing off "Crazy Old Ben" with a shotgun once when he was five.
Old Ben rocked back on his heels, and the kerosene lantern retreated from Luke's face. "Well that's a fine way to thank one's savior," he said wryly, British accent crisp, "If I didn't know better, I'd say you'd rather I left you to the cat."
Luke looked down sheepishly. "Sorry," he said with contrition, "Thanks for saving me."
"You're welcome." Old Ben nodded. His bearing was regal and refined, despite the grubby brown trench coat he wore over patched denim and well-worn leather boots. Metal glinted as the hermit shifted, and Luke could see that unlike a certain stupid farmboy Old Ben didn't wander in the dark unarmed.
The fact that Old Ben the hobo went out armed with a freakin' cavalry saber could be examined later.
A coyote's yipping howl broke the night.
"Now then," Ben continued, glancing up. "We best get out of this ditch. Mountain lions are easily startled, but they could be back. And coyotes come in greater numbers."
Luke had the nagging feeling he was missing something. Right, the droids! Where were the droids? Luke bolted to his feet. He looked around frantically, but saw nothing, not a glimpse of gold or white and blue. Luke fell into confusion. Did he hallucinate the whole thing?
"Okay." Luke agreed reluctantly. He pointed downstream. "I'm pretty sure the bank evens out not too far, about a hundred meters that way."
Ben stroked his beard. He rose, picking up the lantern. "Off we go then, lead the way."
Luke sighed as he started walking, shoes sucking in the mud. "I can't believe there's a mountain lion around, I've got to warn my Uncle. They usually don't come this far down from the hills this time of year. And you never did say what you're doing on our farm."
"I saw lights out on the field, and got worried. Just a feeling." Old Ben said. "Tell me young Luke, what brings you out so far so late?"
Luke measured up Old Ben. If he was going to share this story with anyone, might as well be the county quack. Though some of the more crystal woo-woo art colony-types down in Keeler were apparently convinced the man was an actual wizard. Who else trespassed on the Lars Farm and risked Uncle Owen's shotgun due to some lights and a feeling?
"This is gonna sound crazy," Luke hedged. "But I brought home some action figures from The Sand Crawler today. Mr. Nebit thought they might be collectible, asked me to fix them up. Only they weren't action figures. I think they were aliens."
Old Ben raised an eyebrow, especially pronounced in the kerosene lantern's harsh light. Luke flushed.
"I swear! They started talking and moving, and then one of them busts out of my window on rockets like whoosh. I'll bet those are the lights you saw. They kept going on about needing to find some 'Princess Obi-Wan' or Jedi-something."
Old Ben stopped in his tracks, shock written in widened eyes that quickly smoothed back to serene grace, as he picked up his step. "Princess Obi-Wan? They said that?"
Luke looked over curiously, heartbeat quickening. Maybe he wasn't hallucinating after all. "Yeah. You've heard of it?"
Old Ben chucked. "Princess Obi-Wan. Now that is a name I haven't heard in a long time. A long time."
Luke opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by a sudden explosion in the direction of the farmhouse. An aurora of colors lit the sky, blocked out by the embankment.
"Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru!" Luke cried. He dashed to the edge of the slope and scrambled up on all fours, heedless of the mud and dirt crumbling under his sneakers.
"Luke, wait!" Old Ben cried.
Luke didn't listen. He heaved himself out of the ravine and jumped to his feet. In the distance, over the house, a glimmering crimson glyph rotated in the sky. It looked like a cog or a spoke, sinister and evil. As Luke watched, glittery black shadows dropped from the portal, accompanied by bolts of electric blue lightning and a whistling, droning howl.
Luke barely paused in terror. His aunt and uncle were in the middle of that! He ran back towards the house, trampling the ankle-high alfalfa. He was only one field away when something hard grabbed him by the back of his shirt and yanked him to the ground. Luke tumbled to the dirt, flailing in the alfalfa, as he rolled to break loose. He threw a wild punch at his assailant. "Let me go!"
"Stop it, Luke!" Old Ben grabbed Luke's fist and pinned him with an expert twist. "Be quiet!"
"Let me go!" Luke screamed over the howling wind, flailing. "Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru!"
Old Ben shook him. "Luke, it's too late! The Imperium is here. We have to run, now!"
"Noo!" Luke shouted back. "We have to save my aunt and uncle. What is going on!?"
"I can explain, but we have to go now!" As Ben tried to drag Luke away, a white monster in chitin-like insectoid armor reared up from behind a piece of irrigation equipment. Ben drew his cavalry saber. With two slashes, the monster was down. Ben grabbed Luke by the wrist and pulled him away.
"What was that?" Luke cried, stumbling, eyes fixed on the corpse.
"Stormtrooper." Ben shouted grimly. "A foot soldier of the Imperium. Let's go."
"NO!" Luke said again. He planted his heels and shook Ben's hand from his wrist. "We're not leaving without my aunt and uncle!"
Ben scowled at Luke in frustration. He looked between the boy and the house. "Kriff," he muttered, sheathing his sword. "Ben, you old fool, you should have known it would come to this. Luke - do you really want to save your aunt and uncle?"
"Yes!" Luke said desperately.
"Very well!" Ben said grimly. "Call for Artoo and Threepio. I know they must be around here somewhere!"
Luke looked around, but the night was full of nothing but howling winds and lightning. He turned back to shout at Old Ben angrily, when suddenly Artoo and Threepio materialized out of the field.
"Master Luke?" Threepio said questioningly.
"Hello, old friends." Old Ben greeted. A ghost of a smile flitted across his lips, gone between flickers of lighting. "Luke here would like to take the oaths."
Threepio's eyes brightened, and Artoo trilled excitedly. "Oh, Master Luke, that is fantastic news! Congratulations!"
"What!?" Luke said, confused.
Old Ben grabbed him by the elbow, pulling him to the ground. "No time! Just kiss the droid!"
"What!?" Luke exclaimed.
"Just do it!" Old Ben commanded. He pushed Luke forward, and Luke smacked his teeth hard on Artoo's domed shell.
"Well this is highly irregular," Threepio said, "but I suppose it counts. Welcome to the 「Jedi Princess Equis」Master Luke!"
A bright white light overtook Luke, and he knew no more.
Luke awoke for a second time, bleary-eyed, staring up into a bright blue sky with two suns. He blinked, trying to focus, when he suddenly realized that nothing was wrong with his vision. There were actually two suns in the sky.
Luke sat up with a jolt. Sand poured off his body, streaming down his white dress, some of it trickling irritatingly into his cleavage.
White dress. Cleavage.
Luke held up his hands. He was wearing snug white ballroom gloves. He looked at his feet. Silver go-go boots over lacy, thigh-high stockings. He twisted and looked down his back. A gauzy silver obi was tied off in a stupid-ass, giant bow.
"Finally awake, I see," said an amused voice to his side. Luke looked over to spot Old Ben, still in his grubby brown trench coat, perched merrily on a pale sun-baked rock.
"Ben…" Luke said shakily. "...what happened?"
Ben drew his cavalry saber. He examined it, buffing the edge, before flicking the flat side towards Luke so the boy could examine his reflection. An unfamiliar face stared back. Rosy cheeks, doe-like eyes. Rich brunette hair pulled into two massive buns and tied off with virginal white ribbons.
Ben smiled. "Why, you've become a Jedi Princess Equis. We're in the Galaxy Far Far Away...Princess Leia."
I should be editing Chapter Nine of Free to Fly, but I'm down with a bad cold and this crackfic called me. You can say it's the product of a literal fever dream.
Anyway. Make this a multi-chapter? Y/N