Immersion

We were going into our second summer here and things weren't getting better. I was ruining Harper's life. Guilt surged down my chest into my guts, well Harper's guts, his muscled-lined guts. I was mysteriously occupying his body, and equally mysteriously, existing in World of Warcraft. It sucked. Before me Harper was on the cusp of priesthood and marriage. Yeah, this dude had a girl. Had had, past tense, or at least I was trying my hardest to make it so.

Elsa the frost mage - I know, I know, a great indicator I'm just walking around my head while in a coma or something. I was into Frozen for all of five minutes, don't judge me - was stubbornly in love with Harper still. I guess because it wasn't just her Harper wasn't interested in was somehow reassuring. Like it wasn't her, it was him.

She was determined to see me through this mental crisis.

It sucked big time. I had access to all of this guy's previous thoughts and memories, and man were they vivid. Attached to random thoughts were whole clips of him banging this girl. I never knew when a stored 'video' would pop up, and everytime one did this body remembered and reacted. It was distracting to say the least, especially with raging, man-hormones appreciating those type of thoughts.

The problem is, I'm a girl, and tits and ass do nothing for me.

Now, I considered letting the intrusive thoughts just play out. If I managed to stay detached it was super hot, but it was through the filter of Harper's thoughts and my God, men were sick puppies. I couldn't handle the 'director's cut' version of those vignettes. And I had to see this girl everyday, talk about awkward.

Which is why I ignored, pushed away, and adamantly dismissed her at every chance.

Fresh guilt trickled down, burning like acid. I hunched over. The last thing I wanted was to hurt her either. Elsa was the kindest, most generous, softest, tastiest - okay fuck that, those weren't my thoughts. The distinction between Harper's old thoughts and mine was unmistakable to me. His registered in the manly timber of his low-fry voice (a very sexy, rough voice) and not my medium-pitched woman voice.

Anyway she's nice, any man's dream girl, but anytime I made her lovely face pique, it did something to Harper's gooey heart. As if a scalpel lanced it. It was bullshit, and left me feeling like crap for all three of us. She refused to get mad, choosing to soothe Harper instead of demanding answers, but I knew she was suffering. I'd heard her quiet voice speaking in Aguan (language of water elementals) and heard her crying.

I started rocking against the headboard a bit, I was alone in the dormitory so it was fine. I could feel the spiral. I avoided these episodes with crippling-hard work all day, and after acclimating to the labor I'd started volunteering as a blacksmith's apprentice. Whatever it took to reach loopy exhaustion at the end of the day.

"Harper." Fuck. It was clockwork with this woman. She crawled over the cot to pet me. It could have been benign; a token gesture of a sister or mom, but she ruined it by kissing my bare shoulder. That ridiculously easy to flip switch flipped on. Goddammit.

"Stop." Harper's manly voice was my fantasy-man's voice. I could listen to that rasp for the rest of my life, but I couldn't afford sympathy with Elsa. She took the rebuffs too gracefully. She unwrapped her arms off me and mindfully set her hands in her lap.

"What can I do for you, my love?" she stammered the endearment. Good, it meant the collective damage of my hundred rejections was finally making her vulnerable. It'd taken eighteen months, the woman was sticky.

"Don't need your help. Leave." I spat the words between deep breaths. A pang lashed my heart at such a calloused dismissal. Harper's work-harden hands had nothing on my sharp tongue.

She took a breath. "Not when you're so distressed. Tell me," she crooned, curling around my shoulder. Fuck off! I silently raged as her soft body molded around my muscled arm, igniting Harper's memories. Pain flogged my heart. Sorry, Harper. Sometimes it was as if he was here with me, aware of what was happening.

I sighed more forcefully than I'd meant to, it too obviously broadcasted my annoyance. She shrank away and clasped her hands in her lap again. Hard to believe I'd rather not crush her feelings after that.

"You couldn't understand," I explained in a muted voice, trying not to sound aggrieved. She said something under her breath, which of course I heard since she was right next to me and I was still hunched over a bit. She spoke in Aquan, that lovely, liquid language that brought tears to my eyes. Harper didn't know it however, and I hadn't made any effort to learn it either. Take a hint Elsa, save yourself the heartache. I didn't realize I was staring into her eyes until those overbright blue orbs traced a tear down my cheek.

So that wasn't going to convince her to leave anytime soon.

The tears didn't even feel like mine. Fresh guilt poured into my belly anyway. If only Harper was a girl, Elsa could have been my best friend. She deserved her Harper, someone genuine and communicative, or anyone who felt more than pity and embarrassment for her. Sympathetic tears (or real ones probably) rolled down her face.

"You're a good man Harper, no matter what you become. I'm here-"

"Ridiculous girl." I growled. In all fairness Harper's voice had those low registries that made everything sound a little aggressive. (Yum.)

"You're not unworthy just because - even if-" she cut off, eyes wide in earnesty.

I was staring intently. If what? I let the held breath out carefully, it washed over her face. She inhaled deeply, trying to take it all in. Oh God, no! Why did it have to sound like that? I looked away to reorder scrambled thoughts. Trigger-happy cock I swear. "If what?" I asked harshly, words clipped. She lifted her eyes to mine, compassion flaring like blue fire.

"You think I don't know what's happening?" she countered, it was almost a sob. Ouch. Sorry, Harper. "You're descending into madness. On the path of a shadowpriest. Do you think I'm repulsed? Do you think it makes you undeserving?" She rushed to soothe after that roughness (for her,) fervently speaking as if the floodgates had been opened. "Have you met a shadowpriest? They are indistinguishable from any other unless actively walking the void. You're strong! Stronger than what's happening. It doesn't make you evil. It doesn't -"

I burst out laughing, interrupting her. Silly, lovestruck girl. She stayed silent. The chuckle built until I was rumbling with it. The relief of unclenching strained muscles was bliss. I finished laughing before noting the manic edge to the sound. I wasn't sure if it was natural, I hadn't heard Harper really laugh since I'd known him.

I couldn't help glancing at Elsa, but immediately wished I hadn't. She was tense in alarm, but riveted on my face; lips curved, eyes lit with desire. Oh no. Harper - and believe me, it was all Harper - reacted. His balls tightened, cock spiked, lust coiled low in his belly. The onslaught of old thoughts, urges, and expectations drowned me. It was surreal (in the most awful way) to experience a hardon from the man's perspective.

I was instantly nauseas underneath Harper's lustful heat. This one wouldn't be willed away easily, I could tell. If I could just choke out the hungry thoughts it might go down. It was mortifying, I couldn't be proud or unabashed; I wasn't a dude I was me. She leaned in, enraptured, and I jumped off the bed like a shrimp out of water. It's uncomfortable being with an erection, let alone standing or walking with one. There was no hiding it either, men slept in loincloths in the summer here.

I was going to be sick.

"Harper," she said in a breathy plea, and Harper's gooey, infatuated heart throbbed along with his cock. Settle down! Nothing's happening here! I screamed internally. If only I could disappear, or shut off and let this happen for them without me.

"I'm not becoming a shadowpriest!" I shouted, losing control over volume too. Hell, I could barely string sentences together. She was unfazed, getting an eyeful of a riled Harper. Her heated eyes felt like a violation as they stroked over my naked skin. When they lingered at the display in the loincloth, I gagged. "Leave." She wasn't allowed in the men's dormitory anyway. Surely someone heard Harper's intimating, raised voice?

I would make a scene, I decided.

Thankfully it didn't come to that. Brows quirked in question, she walked her - fine - ass out. Harper, no! Calm down you idiot! This was just a tiny sample of the quality of thoughts raging through my mind. I glared at the provocative 'snapshots' flashing in my eyes. It's not seductive, dude - it's sickening, cut that shit out! I doubled over, shuddering at a particularly outrageous one. God, I'd be so pissed if I was Elsa! I was pissed for her separately from Harper's perverseness. It felt like the biggest invasion of privacy, and shame burned as, at the same time, sharp stabs of despair pricked my heart. Fuck you, Harper. I swear.

Ugh, I really was ruining this guy's life.

I dressed gingerly, avoiding touching anything below the belly because the slightest of stimulation would spur those primal thoughts. Too bad I hadn't been trapped in Elsa's head - he was gorgeous. Although, I would still consider it cheating even if this was only in my dying brain back on Earth. He...? My man...was...my...life. Why couldn't I remember his name?!

…Nothing! It wasn't generating! No! Okay, okay, maybe it's because of time? But I had just thought of...I waited, cringing. I really couldn't remember. Wait. Actually I hadn't thought of my man in a while, courtesy of avoiding an anxiety attack, and getting overwhelmed with the early harvest and summer planting. A sinking sensation drowned me. Agony and numbness alternated through my veins, scalding hot and frigidly cold.

My love, where are you?

I crawled back into bed and cried myself to sleep, and stayed there for two days. The priesthood accepted the gesture as a submission to the shadowpriest calling. (I was the only one who hadn't suspected.) Elsa, the relentless sneak, not-so-secretly climbed into my bed those two nights and every chance she could during the day.

I pitied her. The men of these halls performed a...nightly ritual before succumbing to sleep. It'd taken me aback but I'd learned to appreciate the repulsive act; it kept this body completely turned off. It was too bad men couldn't cuddle or lay down innocently without draining their balls first. It was an unfortunate trait. Of course, without those men around to keep the switch tapped down, and with Elsa glued to my side in a bed, Harper's system stayed on smolder.

I huddled in on myself and stayed on alert because somehow this body tracked every breath the woman took. She wasn't innocent either - she knew how to stimulate Harper - something as gentle as running her hands through his hair kept the embers stoked. But since I'd decided to kill myself I didn't kick her out. Felt too guilty. I was on my stomach anyway, so other than heavy petting nothing happened.

It'd taken hours to recall Andy's name and he was the love of my life. That's when I'd realized there was seconds-delay to remembering my own. Ashley. It'd only been eighteen months of living here. If I projected into the future at the rate I was forgetting things, I'd be banging Elsa's brains out and reveling in the perversion. And I wasn't gay so fuck that!

There was only two ways I could have continued this (whatever this was.) Number one, knowing Andy was okay and two, possessing a female body. Since the only thing I'd gotten right was being on the side of the Alliance, I was buying a ticket out. It broke my heart that it meant murdering Harper. I was numb with wretchedness, it helped me ignore the mental and physical goads.

When I got back I was going to workout. I loved the feeling of wellness and power I'd developed in Harper. I wanted that confidence in real life. Of course it was much easier here where food was clean and nutritional, and where 'workingout' was a way of life. Still, something to strive for. Soft hands rubbing soothing circles on my back brought me back to the present. ...Fuck you, Harper.

On the dawning of day three I lifted my face from the pillow of her breasts, instantly furious. I must have fallen asleep after forty-eight hours of misery. I shoved off roughly, rage burning in my guts. She made a small pained noise, I must have hurt her when I pushed off but I barely cared. I was sick of her stroking, nuzzling, and kissing. I swung my legs off the bed to sit up and of course there it was. This is why I'm blowing your head off, you prick. I seethed at the morning wood.

There was enough blue light in the predawn hour for her to see the unbridled disgust I aimed at her. It broke that careful-not-to-react-mask she wore, her ashen face blanched as if I'd punched her, tears swamped her eyes. The jab was bittersweet, before my guts exploded in fire. I hunched over, holding my sides. Why couldn't I have possessed someone else?! I could have enjoyed the fantasy world then, been a hero or something. Fuck-!

Her arms rubbed my back as she whispered sweet nothings in my ear (I assume, I wasn't listening) bringing everything back into focus. I caught my head lulling to the side and held it up. "I'm here, my love. You're safe," Elsa crooned. Get away from me! I wanted to say but my jaw wouldn't unclench. Fuck but it hurt! I bared my teeth, trying to stay silent. The sleeping corridor was full of people. I stifled a moan but someone heard me and came rushing over.

"I have you. Relax, the Light is with us. Holy Light hear my prayer..." He asked for Flash Heal and a fortify. Immediately I felt soft energy channeling into me, soothing me in the way only religion ever had. Either world. Once I could stand I rushed away, leaving her in a dormitory full of men. I'd feel bad, but I couldn't yet, and also these men were all pretending to be celibate, on vows of abstinence, or pledged to their future wives.

It's another reason why I detested her attentions, I really wanted to be chaste.

I ended up eating with everyone in the mess hall but after, I slinked off to realistically consider how to kill us. It would have to be something I couldn't struggle against, with all the muscle I'd built on Harper I feared if I could fight, I'd win. I shook my head, I'd gotten the scholar to a level of fitness and attraction that was a shame to kill. My heart beat harder and deeper for a few seconds, as if begging me to reconsider. Sorry, sorry! But I have to live with whatever you do, and did.

Killing myself was in the best interest of sanity. I barked out a laugh at the irony of it.

After spending the whole day searching for the best way to do it (without being found and resuscitated) I ended up roped into hauling and stacking massive hay bales. It was an emergency situation because they had to be put up dry before the oncoming summer storm. It was a good thing I'd been blessed with Power Word: Fortitude, because it took most of the night.

Finally the task was done. Everyone patted each other on the back, sighing in relief. This was the stuff I loved about being here, I was learning so many cool skills. Farming, animal husbandry, butchering, logging, and blacksmithing. I declined a dozen invitations for breakfast until I was finally alone in the hay barn.

It sadden me, I really enjoyed working with these men, even though I never showed it. I loved working hard and sweating with a committed team. I'd studied the rafters and beams all night. It was perfect, all I needed was a strong rope, but my shoulders drooped and my eyelids hung low.

Too tired to kill myself? I shook my head, chuckling incredulously.

I easily found rope long enough for what I needed and stood there chuckling: I'd almost considered resting up before a suicide. I tossed the rope over a rafter and secured it to a supporting beam before I could lament at the word suicide. I was doing it anyway, whatever it was called. The idea of a chair to jump off of struck me as I tied the rope into a noose. It'd be quicker to jump off and let my neck snap instead of choking. It would definitely lower the chances of being found dying and getting saved.

Finally I was ready, I stood with the loop held in both hands. Interestingly enough suicide was a sin in my religion as much as anything else. Why was it more acceptable to commit this one and not adultery? It'd be making a good person's dreams come true. A person who could make someone as broken as me feel loved when I felt nothing, feel strong at my feeblest, and like I belonged even when I knew I didn't.

This was fantasy anyway...I hesitated, then tested my non-decision by dredging up one of Harper's sexytime clips and watching as long as I could. Could I do that? No. Easy no. I was just feeling bad for her, I assured myself, and maybe Harper's remnants were somehow grasping at straws to keep him alive. The difference, I made sure to state clearly for myself, the difference is that if I could even do it I'd have to live with it after. Duh. I chuckled at myself again, who's really grasping here?

"I'll just cut you down."

I froze at the voice, eyes wheeling to find the owner. A man clad in black sauntered out of a dark corner.

"Whatever you're thinking, feeling, set it aside for a clear head. Go rest, make love to your wife. Things aren't so bad." The man, who I suspected was a rogue (because none actually dressed as rogues,) stood slack-hip with arms loosely crossed.

"She's not my wife," I spluttered, unprepared.

"Whatever." He waited.

Well, I couldn't do it now.

I was bent over in one of Northshire's endless vegetable plots, bare-chested after the rain and sweating in the humidity, when I heard footsteps near me. I straightened to find Elsa in a thin mage's dress instead of the heavy acolyte robe. I couldn't help but notice she wore no brassier. Simmer down Harper, I swear I'll kill us.

It must be laundry day I thought furiously, determined to attach the observation to something useful. When it rains people make soap, after a rain people wash clothes with said soap. Or weed rows, I looked down at the plants I'd been tending.

It was annoying to see her, to be affected by her presence when I was this tired, and dealing with a pounding headache. I frowned at her, but she only handed me a waterskin and a sandwich. It was egg and tomato, one of my favorites.

Not even the pungent smell of weeds on my fingers could detract from the taste. I didn't think to censor my groan of pleasure until it was already out. I could admit to myself that if our roles were reversed, I'd jump Harper every chance I got too.

Elsa's eyes were blue flames as she drank in the sight of him. She watched a sweat drop trail down Harper's hairy chest and almost hung her tongue out to pant. Down, girl! Simmer your ass down too, I silently told Harper as his system revved.

"You're working yourself ragged," she said, breathless. It was an old gown, with the right light it showed much too much. I grunted in annoyance and bit into the food again. "Missed you last night, and this morning." Why did this male brain filter every word into some innuendo or sexy thing?

Or was it her soft voice warping the normal words? And since when did women have unlimited confidence? I'd of shriveled into a husk and stayed buried after being rejected once by Harper, let alone hundreds of times.

"Stop." The harshness of the word was less than severe when said with an erection. Goddammit. There's the why. She could still get a rise out of him. Ugh.

When I took the last bite of food she sneaked a finger down my hard torso to the snap of my breeches. I almost choked. Give it a rest woman! Fuck off, Harper! I snarled when his heart thumped excitedly. I really was too tired for this. I retreated a step back when she licked the finger. Oh no. Blood hissed in a mad dash to Harper's pants.

On purpose! I decided, she wouldn't stop till Harper exploded. I spoke through my teeth, "if I insisted as much, I'd be a tyrant and-"

"Sated," she supplied, purring. I gaped, too enraged at Harper and disgusted and embarrassed as the pictures started flashing. How are men this easily manipulated, like how in the fuck? Then that guilty thought tripped in: I couldn't begrudge Elsa.

Faced with a sweaty, tired Harper I'd take advantage of him too, especially when it looked like he was game with a raging hardon. I'd question the rejections more, I insisted to myself. Then again, who's to say that wasn't what Elsa had done all these months? It would explain the patience. I shook my head. "This really has to stop."

She smiled. "You've been saying that for over a year. Why? You don't mean it."

"The fuck I don't!" I was too shocked to say more. She dropped her eyes to Harper's crotch then looked up pointedly, as if to say 'then what is that? "...Nothing!" I bellowed, too focused on blocking out Harper's shit to care about composure.

Her fair face brighten in a laugh. "It doesn't happen with anyone else - I've checked."

Of course it doesn't happen with anyone else - I don't checkout women, and Harper's sexy thoughts aren't about anyone else! I was momentarily relieved. Like, I know I'm not gay but this shit feels way too real, and subconsciously maybe I wondered? I'm just saying, when you dream about someone and wake up keyed up to replicate the dream in real life, it tends to distort reality. Of course this isn't reality.

I sighed heavily.

She took the deep exhale as surrender, taking a step forward. I slid back the same length like an opposing magnet. I saw the doubt flash across her face for a second, then infuriatingly, she checked with Harper's erection for reassurance. When I murder Harper, we'll be even.

I huffed annoyance when she stepped closer. I was too tired for this shit. Fuck it, I'm just going to tell her. No, fuck all the reasons why I never have then fuck it again, because I'm telling her. They give crazy people priesthood here, what the hell am I worried about?

"Elsa." It was the first time I'd said her name since I'd known her. She froze. "Remember when I died in the mines?" I didn't wait for her response, I was getting this out no matter how crazy it sounded. "You brought a priest and they resurrected Har- me - Harper - whatever this body." She reached out a hand and stroked my cheek. "Well someone else was pulled in...instead, I mean."

The pulse at the base of her throat beat furiously, her eyes had grown wide as saucers at my words. She cupped my face with both hands and searched my eyes. I knew she wouldn't find him in the brown depths. Tears pooled as my heart lashed guiltily. I'm so sorry, Harper. I wish I could set you free. "I'm not going crazy," I said softly (well gently, Harper's gravely voice would never pass for soft.) "I'm just not him."

Her breathing spiked into sharp gasps. She shook her head. "But you love me." The lashing picked up. I paused briefly, this stress sparked my anxiety and guilt...I remembered the terrible pangs too clearly...I needed to be careful.

My slight hesitation was all she needed, she dropped her hands to my sticky chest and slid her arms up to embrace my neck. My mind trembled at how close her face suddenly was, smiling up at me. I pushed her off before she could lean in further. "This body loves you," I grasped her chilly hands and held them down, "but not me."

Tears brimmed over her eyes to drag miserably down her face. "Harper?" Could I crush all hope when I wasn't convinced he was truly gone myself?

"Not really."

"Who are you?" She removed her hands from mine and clasped them together.

"Ashley, I'm from Earth." I deadpanned, stomach churning.

"Ashley, from Earth," she said slowly, sounding detached and suspicious. "As in alien...?"

"Oh no, I'm not...well to you I am, but I'm human, and a girl."

Her mask cracked, she looked appalled.

"Yeah."

She shook her head quickly, muttering something under her breath, then wiped the tears off her cheeks with the heel of her hands. "Do you mind a hug? Just as friends. I just need his arms around me."

"Uh." Things had calmed down in all the stress, so it felt safe. I gingerly accepted her arms winding around my waist. I was dirty and reeked, poor girl she was desperate. Harper was obviously bigger so I ended up cradling her almost.

To my mortification his cock surged back up at the close contact. We both pulled away at the same time, I pulled all the way away. "That's not me." The raw disgust in my voice left no doubt.

"So he's reacting? He can feel that?" She seemed amused, as if she'd decided all this was part of her 'descending into madness' theory.

"Uh...kind of?" Can we not figure out that all this 'reaction shit' is somehow on me? Because that would suck. If I wasn't such a coward I'd stop with the non-answers and crush all hope. The explosion in my stomach was agony, but way in the background, I would miss her undying support. Harper had no real allies, no family. Elsa was it.

"Can you hear him?"

"Not in the sense you mean. There's no one there to talk to, but I hear the thoughts that he would say? Or the closest thing." I didn't like the way that sounded, so I rushed to explain. "Never any new thoughts, just thoughts he's had before that generate when something is familiar."

Elsa was fast. "So before, when..." she cleared her throat, "before. You heard his memories of...everything?"

Oh now we're being shy? I couldn't help making a face. "Yeah, men are pigs no matter what world they're from."

"I'm jealous you get to hear his thoughts," she admitted, but it dawned on me she was just playing along. Humoring the crazy person to keep them calm.

"Trust me, I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat."

She smiled, understanding more than what I said. "You've gotten to touch him freely for eighteen months." It wasn't an accusation, but damn near.

"Free? No. I can't stir anything up without getting flooded with images of you, and I'm not interested." She turned white as a sheet at the last part, but I wasn't sure if she was embarrassed or pissed off. I nodded in sympathy, her turn for once. "It was the perfect safeguard, trust me." I assured her.

Frigid waves of coldness brushed over me.

Rime rose from her hard eyes and clung to the verglas overtaking her skin. Hoarfrost sprayed in a fine mist with every uneven breath she took. Definitely pissed off. I quaked on the inside, I'd only see her pissed off in memories. I had no casting abilities, or Harper did, but I didn't know how to access them - not that I'd use them, but I'd feel less vulnerable.

"I miss him so much." Her soft voice was careful and deadly quiet, like the charged quiet before an avalanche.

"Well, if we can knock me out maybe you could talk to him? Like in The Sixth Sense?" I said, grasping at straws, and feeling pathetic that once again I couldn't let this girl go.

"He'd surface?" she asked, ignoring the reference she didn't understand.

"I don't know, but as long as I'm not part of it, I don't care. And as long as you remember that I'm Ashley when awake."

She went to speak but took a deep breath instead. "We need to return you to Earth and Harper to his body." She was slowly defrosting the sheen of ice covering her skin.

"Definitely," I agreed anxiously.

A/N: It makes more sense later? Take a shot at every 'Harper,' you're welcome. Next chapter has sex scenes, please be advised.