(Authors note: rewatching voyager I felt a lot of empathy for B'elanna when she was struggling with her feelings for Tom. I have struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder for the majority of my life and some of B'elanna's reactions and explanations read a lot like how BPD manifests in my life. The abuse that I reference later on is born out of the desire to reflect my own trauma and is intended in the most respectful way possible. The eating disorder I mention is also a personal reflection. This is gonna get heavy so please read with care.)

"So am I normal now?"

There was hesitation before the psych spoke. "It's not quite that simple B'elanna, you're much more stable and I believe in your ability to continue using and improving your skills, but this isn't something that ever really completely goes away."

The half Klingon exhaled through her nose, closing her eyes to channel her frustration.

"You told me I could get better."

"And you have B'elanna, I hope you can recognize your own achievements these last few years."

"So what, graduating means another therapist and I'm just...done?"

"Your new therapist is DBT informed and will be able to help you further hone your skills."

"Skills I'm going to have to keep working on for the rest of my life," she repeated, defeat clear in her voice.

"It will keep getting easier, soon they'll be instinct."

"I just hope you're right."

—

B'elanna snapped back from the memory. "Easier my ass, this is just as hard as it used to be" B'elanna muttered angrily as she storm into her quarters, wishing there was a way to slam the door behind her. She threw herself dramatically onto her bed.

"Fuck," she screamed loudly into her pillow, drawing it out for optimal affect. While the expletive had some its desired affected, it hadn't completely fixed the problem, she rolled onto her side and groaned, bringing a hand up to run at her face. Why had she responded that way to Tom? Why had she taken it to Harry? Why she forgotten her skills when she needed them most? She thought she could cope without a therapist now, five years should have been enough time. But here she was, her first reciprocated crush since getting lost in the Delta quadrant and all she was proving was that her borderline hadn't gone away. Her emotions were fluctuating wildly from one moment to the next and what scared her even more than that were that the darker aspects of her mental illness were creeping back. She didn't want to be on suicide watch, but she was starting to wonder if she should sleep in sick bay until her mood evened out. All trust in herself, her abilities, seem to go out the window after she'd been affected by the touch of Pon Farr and it shook her to her core. What was happening? And more importantly could she stop it?

B'elanna hadn't realized she was crying as her mind drifted through these thoughts but as soon she did, she felt sobs threatening to overwhelm her. She curled tightly into a ball and wrapped her arms around herself. She just had to get through the next few hours, if she could do that her mood would lift. As her mind began to list everything sharp or hot that she had access to, B'elanna forced herself to also determine how to limit her access to to it. Her mind shifted to thoughts about how everyone back home probably thought she was dead and how she couldn't count on anyone really caring.

"People here, your family here care, check the facts, you have to check the facts B'elanna," she scolded herself through gritted teeth. Fighting her own mind was like an unstoppable forcing hitting an unmovable object, and as the minutes ticked by she found comfort that she could still fight back. Maybe she didn't need as urgent of help as she had thought a moment. She was still definitely going to throw out the lasers she used to shave, though.

—

"Doctor please, you're being so draconian about this. I told you I have been on it before, I know my body better than you. If anything I can pay better attention when I'm on it" B'elanna insists, trying to communicate an air of confidence.

The door open suddenly and the captain strode in, "Doctor sorry I'm late for our meeting about your family planning presentation, I..." She trailed off as she noticed lieutenant Torres sitting on the edge of an exam table. She quirked an eyebrow and looked between the two of them. "I'm sorry am I interrupting?"

"Not at all captain, in fact I'm glad you're here." B'elanna went pale as she realized what was about to happen but she didn't know how to stop it. "Lieutenant Torres has requested I prescribe her Xanax, and when I mentioned that a phsycho active strength and nature was disallowed for officers on duty and suggested effective alternatives she rejected them and insisted they were not strong enough. Please help me explain the Starfleet regulations involved." B'elanna started at her feet wishing she could disappear.

"Thank you doctor, but before I do I'd like here her thoughts on the matter." Janeway replied crossing her arms over her chest as she attempt to see her chief engineer's face.

"I... I've tried all those and they don't... they don't work... not as well as I need them to." She managed to stammer.

"B'elanna if you need to take some sick leave, the stress of being a senior officer can be a lot, we all know that." The captain offered gently, moving to sit on a bed facing her.

B'elanna shook her head, "no please, I've thought it through and I... I need the distraction of work... I don't know if I could.. I mean." B'elanna swallowed hard. She forced herself to look up and meet the older woman's gaze. "I don't know if I can stay safe without something to keep me busy."

Janeway looked with sympathy back at B'elanna. "B'elanna, this sounds really serious, maybe a stay in sickbay with some trips to the holodecks is necessary?" She said, lowering her voice in attempt to hopefully keep the engineer calm.

B'elanna pulled backward and shook her head, "No I'm not doing another psych ward stint! I can't! They never help they just make it worse!" She attempted to calm herself when she saw how taken aback Janeway looked. "Look what I need is out-patient DBT but that's not exactly an option out here is it." Janeway took a moment to reflect on her psychology classes at the academy to remember what sort of therapy DBT was. B'elanna realized what was happening and decided to save her the trouble. "Captain, I know I'm the only Klingon on board and that means I can get away with saying a lot of my behavior is because I'm a Klingon... but it's... it's more complicated than that... I also have borderline personality disorder and it's um, well it's not being well treated."

That clicked for her.

"I'm sorry B'elanna I feel that's at least partially my responsibility." She stood up and gestured to the doctor. "If you can work with the doctor, Kes and I to stay safe over the next 24 hours we'll come up with along term solution by then, would that be possible?"

B'elanna gaped. She had... not been expecting that. She's been expecting the captain to look at her the ways others did when she told them that, like they wanted her to stay in sick bay forever, restrained for everyone's safety.

"I uh, if you're sure captain I uh," she straightened and gave a curt nod. "Yes I can reach out in the next 24 hours while you develop some kind of DBT alternative."

"Without Xanax?" The captain pushed gently.

"Without Xanax if that's what you need from me."

Janeway offered a caring smile, "we care about you B'elanna. You're practically chekotay's sister, and I," she hesitate looking for the right words, "well I'm extremely grateful to have you here on this ship for many many reasons."

B'elanna blushed, "thank you captain."

Janeway put her hand on the engineer's shoulder and squeezed. "My door will be stay open."

"I promise, I'll seek the help I need to stay safe" B'elanna answered with determination.

—

B'elana lay staring up at the ceiling, resting her interlaced fingers on her stomach. Her hands very tense, her finger nails dug into her knuckles. She had to talk to tom, she had to explain all this. But how? How the hell was she suppose to do that when she'd never done that before? When she hooked up with Seska it had all been physical, and besides Seska created her own toxicity in any relationship she waltz into, there wasn't time to try and create a healthy dialogue. With her exes before the ship knew she had a therapist but she was healthy enough she didn't really need to explain herself. She'd gone right into DBT therapy after finding out about her BPD, well right after a few hospital stays forced her to that is. Because dating was a major trigger for her, she had decided to stay single until she'd completed the program and was on her way to recovery.
And now there was Tom.
Maybe he'd understand? It seemed like Tom was exactly the pinnacle of mental health either, but then again depression and anxiety didn't always guarantee a compassion for people like her.
Crazy people, people like her.
B'elanna's frown deepened. When she thought of that way, she couldn't help but feel maybe it wasn't fair to unload onto Tom? Maybe it'd be too much for him? Should she really risk loosing a friend like that? She could find an excuse as to why they couldn't be romantic and he'd never have to know. No one would have to know.
But the Captain already did.
"Shit," B'elanna murmured aloud, suddenly wondering about the captains intentions. With a sinking feeling of dread she realized she might be risking her position in engineering. Did they have padded cells in the brig? Maybe they'd just sedate her for the rest of her life and keep confined to quarters.
B'elanna's breath was quickening and she realized how close she was a panic attack. Forcing herself into visualization, she practiced mindfulness to the best of her abilities. It didn't really work so she had to take a more drastic approach. Climbing shakily to her feet she stumble to the bathroom. "Fuck," she muttered, noticing an older safety shaving laser she had forgotten to throw away, she must have missed it some how. Tearing her gaze away, she hastily stripped off her uniform and wrenched the shower to as cold as it gets. She stepped in to lean heavily against the wall. The water stung as it hit her, but it had it's desired affect. Her breathing slowed and her mind focused only on the water.
Stepping out to towel off she caught sight of the laser and bit her lip. She leaned over to pick up, not realizing how much her hand was shaking. She held it tightly in her hand, the end that heated up pushed against her palm. It began to burn and she only gripped tighter. Her mind forced her through the steps she use to take to make it more dangerous. She had more options now, and a whole engineering section full accidents waiting to happen.
With a gasp she finally managed to drop the laser. She stumbled backward, in fear of the laser, but more in fear of herself. She held her wrist as she looked at her palm. It stunk and was already beginning to blister. She had to cover this up, she planned how to get to a first aid box in the jeffery's tubes. Before her mind could race away again she took a deep breath. No she was 28, wasn't going to hide this like a scared teenager again. She was going to take responsibility and go to the doctor to get it treated. Even if it meant there would be consequences.

—
"Alright, all better. Well that is the flesh part of you is all better," the doctor said, finishing up. It was 2am and luckily the halls had been empty on her way to sickbay. B'elanna attempted a smile, "Thank you doctor."
"B'elanna, do you remember the promise you made? By my calculation you still have another 12 hours in which you guaranteed you'd come talk to one of us before you actaully hurt yourself."
"I didn't expect this I was trying to throw it away and I just... didn't at first... it was like I couldn't let go." She responded, her frown returning as she gazed at her hand.
"I highly recommend you seek out coucil. You're welcome to stay here, Kes is currently sleeping but she agreed to be woken up if need be, the captain is in her ready room," The doctor explained, beginning to put medical equipment away.
B'elanna weighed her options carefully, they all made her feel a sense of guilt deep in her core, however eventually decided that the captain would probably be the best choice.