A/N
This should be interesting...
So this story is like Hetalia but with states instead of countries. Probably won't have a ton of plot behind it (except, you know, like, the entire history of the United States of America) but I promise there will be lots of fun and wacky characters and crazy adventures. Also most of my states are based heavily on stereotypes so please don't get offended, everything in this story is meant to be taken as a joke. I'm even making fun of my own state, so leave me alone. Also sorry in advance if you live in Detroit or if you actually like country music (I actually don't think it's that bad personally)
I will also be jumping around a lot on the timeline and incorporating various random useless and uninteresting but also interesting historical facts. So it might be a little confusing. Sorry.
So good luck.
I am not responsible for spontaneous combustion resulting from reading this story. I do not own Hetalia, a million dollars, or a cat. I only own Belgium (the country, not the Hetalia character).
The Meeting of the States (AKA Mass Chaos)
The loud, hectic clattering and chattering of all the states filled the room as the meeting began.
"Hey, Utah, you want some weed, man?" Colorado slid right up into Utah's personal space, the big mountain man towering over his much smaller, more gentle brother, Utah. Colorado looked even more intimidating with his bright, electric blue eyes and the large pair of skis slung over his shoulder.
"Dude, get your drugs out of my face or I'll have you arrested again," Utah shot back a threat, and Colorado immediately backed down, stepping back and running straight into-
"Hey! Watch where you're going, moron! You, like, totally almost broke one of my nails," New Jersey whined, flicking her long, straight jet black hair as she blinked back dramatic tears. Suddenly, a shadow came over her.
"Shut up, you self-obsessed witch, nobody cares. I'm trying to perform my latest play for you guys!" New York barked in his Brooklyn accent, just as dramatic as Jersey. The tall, well-groomed man wore a bright, frilly costume, although what the costume was supposed to be, nobody knew. "Now, tell me what you think. I've really put my heart into this one!" he then proceeded to launch into his monologue.
"Dude, what's the deal with that guy?" California whispered to Florida as they both watched New York's terrible monologue helplessly. "One minute he's this ruthless, obnoxious, self-obsessed lawyer guy who only cares about money and the next thing you know he's in some ridiculous costume and breaking into song. I can never tell what his deal is." Florida took a moment to admire his tanned skin and his muscles which were on display as he wasn't wearing a shirt (that idiot had probably never heard of a shirt).
But then Florida looked up, observing California's mickey ears hat, which very closely resembled Florida's own. "One of us is gonna have to change," She glared angrily at him. "How many times have I told you that Disney is my thing?"
California scoffed. " Ha, sure, dude. Whatever. Disney was mine first."
"Oh, really? Well, then how come I have 5 theme parks and you only have 2?" Florida challenged.
"You wanna fight?" California cried angrily.
"You really wanna go there? I fight alligators on a daily basis," Florida stood up straight. California hesitated, as Florida was one of the few states who was taller than he was, and he always found that her height affected him just a little more than he cared to admit.
"Alligators are nothing. You're both wimps, so leave me alone, eh. Neither one of you has ever fought a moose, so I win. Ha." Montana, the tallest of all the states, intruded on their conversation. Florida and California immediately scattered.
"MOOONNNNNTTTTAAAAAANNNNNNNAAAAAAAA!" a loud whining voice quickly approached the tall man.
"Oh, no..." He turned around to try to find a place to hide. Too slow.
A scrawny, pale blur of brown hair, feathers and snow barreled into him from behind, clinging to his arm like a child.
"What's wrong, North Dakota?" Montana rolled his eyes, hoping to god that he wouldn't-
"South Dakota's picking on me again," the small boy whined.
"Hey! Northie! Get your butt back here!" a loud voice called out. South Carolina rounded the corner. "A-ha! Found you! You can run but you can't hide." South Dakota looked exactly like North Dakota, only he was a little taller and a little more muscular and he had a sneer plastered to his face and a tattoo of Mount Rushmore on his shoulder that he always showed off to everyone.
"Help me, Montana! Help me!" North Dakota quivered behind the tall, intimidating state.
"Oh, hiding behind Montana again, are we? Not too smart, Northie. I'm still going to get you," South Dakota taunted.
Montana sighed. "Eh, what have I told you aboot fighting? Leave him alone, South Dakota," he chided.
"Yeah, leave me alone!" North Dakota added courageously before going back to hiding and cowering.
"Ugh, you are so lame, you stupid redneck. Why don't you just face me like a man instead of hiding behind... your-" he stopped very abruptly, looking over to his left.
"The hell you say?!" Arkansas shouted angrily. The short, stout man glared angrily at South Dakota.
"Oh, crap!" South Dakota realized his mistake.
"Who you calling redneck, redneck?!" his face turned red in anger.
"It's ArKansas!" South Dakota shuddered and immediately took off running.
"It's Arkansas! AR-KAN-SAW!" Arkansas shouted running after him. "That's right, you better run!"
But the chase didn't last long as Texas grabbed him by the arm.
"Arkansas," he chided, and Arkansas frowned, struggling to escape the strong man's grip. "Now, remember the most important things in life according to my book, Texas's Most Important Things in Life: football, meat, trucks, beer," he chided. "Chasin' people n' fightin' ain't on that list, so you better not be doin' none of that. You can borrow my hat, maybe that'll help ya calm down." He took of his cowboy hat and placed it gently on Arkansa's head.
"Really, man, you ought to get some gators to take out your aggression on," Louisiana suggested, fiddling with his purple and green beaded necklaces.
"Hey, you should really stop being so aggressive. Then maybe people would respect you more," Mississippi added. He had shaggy, unkempt brown hair, deep brown eyes and simplistic overalls.
"Y'all should really be more kind. If you keep trying to fight everybody you'll never have time to grow any peaches," Geogia said softly. Her big, floofy dress and soft, brown hair fluttered as she moved.
"He's right. Good Christians don't fight," Alabama added politely. He looked like Mississippi but his white church suit, thin-framed glasses, perfect posture and neatly slicked back brown hair gave him an impeccable appearance.
"Hey, Alabama, don't forget about our football game tonight. My Huskers will demolish you!" Nebraska taunted gleefully, taking off his red Corn Huskers shirt to wave it in Mississippi's face.
"Football?! GRAAAHHHAHAH" Alabama flexed, ripping right through his suit as he ran off chasing after Nebraska. "Out of my way, cheese-loving weirdo!" he shoved Michigan aside as he continued his pursuit. He rounded the corner, intent on catching his prey.
Maine, Vermont and New Hampshire were all talking calmly, as though none of the chaos around them was happening. Maine took a crab leg off of of her giant plate of crab, smiling as she prepared to devour the morsel.
"Ahhh-" crash! The whole plate of crab, including the ones that Maine had been about to eat, crashed loudly to the ground as Nebraska rounded the corner and slammed into Vermont, who consequentially slammed into New Hampshire, who consequentially slammed into Maine, who consequentially knocked over the entire table. The whole room went silent, holding their breath.
"You... you've ruined... my crab... I'LL KILL YOU!" Maine shouted, going up to strangle Nebraska, and the entire room once again broke out into mass chaos.
"Leave me alone, moron!"
"Don't make me whip out my banjo!"
"Don't touch me!"
"What was that for?!"
"Northie!"
"Everyone SHUT UP!"Washington shouted impatiently, and the room went silent once again. Although he wasn't the most intimidating state, he was always one of the most impatient. He liked things to be straightforward and with his coffee cup in hand, save the whales T-shirt and the big rain cloud that perpetually hovered directly over his head, he could be just as menacing as Idaho, Kentucky or Arkansas if he was angry. "This meeting was called for the purpose of coming together to work towards the future of our contry, not to fight over stupid things like drugs or alligators or who's theme park is better. So if someone has something productive to say, I would appreciate it if you would say it now, otherwise, this whole day is pointless and we should all just go home! What, Idaho?!"
Idaho grinned, "Potatooooooooooes!"
Regions of the US: Hypothetical Battle Royale! on Nintendo Switch (Warning for mild, non-graphic, Oregon trail/hunger-games simulator type violence. Everything that occurs in the hypothetical Battle Royale does not affect any of the states in real life.)
*Cue epic battle music*
New England:
States:Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachussetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland
Ability: "We were here first!", seafood, tea and wine
Weaknesses: Rhode Island. And smog.
The Midwest:
States: Kansas, Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, Missouri, Iowa, Minnesota, Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, Oklahoma
Ability: Tornado, corn shortage, Detroit
Weaknesses: Flatness, blandness and cheese (I'm looking at you, Wisconsin!)
The South:
States: Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, South Carolina, North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Virginia
Ability: Politeness, Christianity, insane humidity, hurricanes, football
Weaknesses: Overconfidence, country music
Those guys out in the middle of nowhere (AKA the Rocky mountains and friends)
States: Nevada, Utah, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming, Idaho, Montana
Ability: mountains and deserts
Weaknesses: they're kinda... in the middle of nowhere...
The Pacific:
States: California, Oregon, Washington, Alaska, Hawaii
Ability: drought, torrential rain, Disneyland, blizzards, and Canadia! Also Hawaii and Alaska can just lay low while everyone forgets they exist, wait for everyone else to kill each other off and then take over the entire country.
Weaknesses: there's only five of them, and Alaska and Hawaii are so far away.
Battle Royale, Day One:
Begin!
South Dakota takes over North Dakota, bashing him over the head with Mount Rushmore and leaving him to die. North Dakota's last words are: "We're on the same team, you idiot! I hate you so much!"
South Dakota is banished from the midwest and forced to fend for himself.
Kansas attempts to invade Colorado, but can't climb Colorado's mountains.
Colorado has played: Intense thunderstorm.
Kansas has been struck by lighting. Kansas dies instantly.
Michigan has played: Detroit on Arkansas, Louisiana and Alabama. Arkansas, Louisiana and Alabama die instantly. Mississippi is mildly injured due to being too close to the range of Detroit.
Vermont has died of dysentery.
California invades Arizona and Utah, but then realizes how much he misses the beach and retreats.
Iowa and Illinois have played: Corn shortage. All states outside of the midwest (except for Montana who can hunt for large game and Idaho who has a surplus of potatoes) are weakened by extreme hunger.
Connecticut dies of starvation.
The ghost of Kansas haunts Colorado.
Arizona Has played: Sunshine on Michigan. Michigan dies instantly.
Wisconsin avenges Michigan's death, burying Arizona and New Mexico in a giant pile of automobile parts and cheese. Arizona dies instantly and New Mexico is severely injured after being saved by Wyoming and Utah.
Tennessee has played: Country music. Tennessee has lost 10 XP.
Tennesse has been exiled from the south and is forced to fend for himself. Tennesse and South Dakota form a new alliance.
Kentucky leaves the south to join Tennessee and South Dakota's alliance.
Florida has played: Hurricane on Colorado, Wyoming and Idaho.
Colorado has played: Mountains, to block hurricane.
Wyoming and Idaho are severely injured by strong wind and storm surge. Colorado is unscathed.
Georgia has played: Insane Humidity on California and Nevada. Nevada can't handle the humidity and is severely injured. California becomes stronger and drought is reduced. Georgia hates her life.
Nebraska and Mississippi play football. Both states die.
End of Battle Royale: Day One.
States killed: North Dakota, Kansas, Arkansas, Louisiana, Alabama, Vermont, Connecticut, Nebraska, Mississippi.
Teams Remaining:
The New Alliance: Tennessee, South Dakota, Kentucky
New England: Maine, New Hampshire, Massachussetts, Rhode Island, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland
The Midwest: Missouri, Iowa, Minnesota, Illinois, Wisconsin, Ohio, Oklahoma
The South: Texas, Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia
The Rocky Mountains and Friends: Nevada, Utah, New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming, Idaho, Montana
The Pacific: California, Oregon, Washington, Alaska, Hawaii
Battle Royale Day 2:
Begin!
Mass Chaos Ensues.
Continued next time on Hetexia.
A/N
Okay so that's all I got for today. I honestly have no idea where I'm going with this. I'm going to try to imitate some sketches from the original Hetalia while also implementing some of my own, as you can see from this chapter. I do have character ideas for each state and I will try to include them all at some point.
Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this! It was definitely a lot of fun to write, and I'm excited to start on the next chapter as well. Thanks for reading!
Breathe on and be a quick ladybug!
^Rikki the Fab One Out!^