Chapter 1 – In Which Feelings Go Badly
Things were going very badly.
Remus sat down in the squashy leather chair in the library to think about his current predicament. It was a tangled and frustrating predicament. It had many factors to think about. And Remus liked to think about things. It was so much easier than doing them.
He leant his head back. The ceiling was disgusting. Must get around to cleaning that. His eyes followed a crack that snaked from the wall to the light. It appeared to be dripping an unmentionable substance. Remus lazily reached for his wand and twisted it clockwise. The crack disappeared. Much better.
He wished that this problem would disappear so easily. Although, that would require the – possibly illegal – disappearance of one very noticeable woman. And the thing was, the real problem was, that he didn't want her to disappear.
Remus allowed his mind to wander. A pair of eyes graced his vision. Gold-brown, warm and deep, and he let himself fall into them for a second. He caught himself, shook his head. This was another issue. He couldn't stop himself thinking about her.
This may be an issue. There's an Order meeting tonight, and Remus likes to be in top form for those. He can't contribute sparkling insights if he's distracted by something. Especially not something as easily distractible as Tonks. Last week, he had become particularly focused on her hands. Not in a creepy way, he hoped – more an aesthetic appreciation for the way her slender fingers lay on the table. They were deceptively smooth, though Remus knew how many curses and hexes they had sent, and the fights they had won.
He liked the solidness of her the most. She was there, and she was real. She cast shadows, and she had a reflection, and her shoes left mud on the doorstep. Remus had often before projected dreamlike qualities onto the women he fell in love with, hoping that they would be magically perfect. Not with Tonks. She was funny and beautiful and sometimes seemed perfect, but other times she was grumpy, or had morphed into a particularly bad haircut. Cracks showed through her tough façade, lending her a touch of both gracefulness and humanness. Somehow, this made Remus fall harder.
Perhaps that night would be different. He will suddenly become a different person, grow some balls, and get over her. Remus allowed this hope to carry him through the day.
Tonks sat at her desk at the Ministry and sorted papers. She had never sorted papers in her adult life before, but today felt different. Lighter. She refused her mind the pleasure of finding out why.
She was halfway through filling out a Murtlap license form when her mind began to drift anyway. She balanced the quill on her index finger and watched a bubble form in the inkwell. Shit. She was trying to stop thinking about him.
The insecurity and immaturity of this thought almost made her smile. Suddenly, she was fifteen years old again, writing Colin Joiner's name on her notebook and drawing hearts on the condensation in the shower. It was unbelievable, that an old professor should make her feel this way. Absentmindedly, she doodled a heart on a slip of memo paper. If only he knew. How embarrassing. It was almost as though she was a student having a crush on a teacher. A surprisingly kind teacher, who laughed quietly at her jokes and winked at her across the table every time Severus said the word 'rectify'. She swallowed a giggle. Good God, next thing she'd be asking Kingsley for a gossip session.
Tonks slung her bag over her shoulder and wrapped her jumper around her arm.
'See you tomorrow, Tiberius,' she said, waving at her deskmate.
'Bye, Tonks. Make sure you get onto those mission reports by next week,' he said, barely looking up from his desk.
'No worries,' she said. 'Bye, Kingsley!' she yelled across the office.
Kingsley's disapproving head poked out of his door. 'I do wish you wouldn't do that, Tonks.' He grinned. 'Have a good weekend.'
Tonks Apparated home before the meeting. Usually, she would have a shower, change clothes if she could be bothered, and dash out the door. Today, she spent twenty minutes at the mirror, changing hairstyles.
Short blonde? No.
Straight black hair to her waist? Maybe.
Try curly black? She screwed her face up and concentrated. It looked like a birds' nest. Her transformations got worse when she was nervous.
Maybe short curly black? Short curly red?
Tonks made a frustrated noise in her throat. She put her hands on either side of the sink and stared down at the plughole. What was she doing? Prettying herself up for a man who would probably barely even glance at her?
She needed a break. Liking Remus was exhausting. Liking anyone was exhausting. The constant analysing of responses, the butterflies, the moments when she caught herself at work daydreaming about his soft jumpers and the way his hair turned gold in the light.
Tonks hadn't imagined this future for herself. When she was younger, her future lover was faceless, but she had known that he would be handsome, respectable, romantic. A good man, with a good and stable job. Her own age, or close to.
But then Lupin had entered her life. Tonks had thrown that mindset out of the window long before, but she couldn't help still being winded by him. It was completely out of the question for anything to happen between them, for a myriad of reasons – the first being that he would never like her – but she couldn't stop herself admiring him. He had a warm, intelligent exterior, guarding a tough core. He sat in the Order meetings, calm and rational, and contributed well-thought out plans and ideas. Tonks liked to surreptitiously watch him. He hadn't noticed yet. Last meeting, she had spent ten minutes sneaking glances at his hands. She was particularly drawn to them. They were large and had a battered look about them, reminding Tonks of a battle worn hero. She imagined all of the things that they had done, the complex magic he must have conjured with them, all of the books they had worked through. She shivered. Must get that urge in check for tonight. How else could she concentrate with him next to her?