Hello together,
this is a Oneshot I wrote a while ago and I just reviewed it and decided to publish it. It's about Jax and Wendy, although it's stated at the end of their relationship. I tried to keep it as Canon-compliant as possible, but there are some minor differences, just as a warning.
Now to the important point: this Oneshot is kind of dark, it mentions infidelity, drug use, suicidal thoughts, suicide and child welfare risk (especially drug use during pregnancy). So if any of those points are a trigger for you and you can't deal with it, please don't read this fic!

English isn't my first language, so please be patient and because I will make a lot of mistakes. If you want, you can write me corrections or improvements via review, I would be very thankful. In general I'm happy about any feedback, so please, don't be shy.
So now, I hope you enjoy reading …

Last addition: the title is a referece to the song „Coma white" by Marilyn Manosn, which inspired me for this oneshot, you should really check it out, it's one of my favourite songs.

Coma white

Wendy closed the front door behind her and collapsed against it immediately. Since she was pregnant she was always tired, but today it had been especially bad. Now she just wanted some quiet, quiet and darkness. Her purse suddenly felt incredible heavy on her shoulder, although it was nearly empty. Wendy let it fall down on the floor and wiped off her jacket before she stood up and lurched to the kitchen.

The apartment was totally quiet and exactly in the state she had left it. Who would have visited her anyways? Jax for sure not. He hadn't let himself be seen since a few weeks, and yesterday he had forgotten her doctors appointment. The light of the answering machine blinked, she had missed a call. Wendy had a feeling who could have called her. But she didn't want to hear his voice right know, she wasn't ready for his half-hearted apology. So she ignored the light and walked to the fridge. A box of mint-chocolate-icecream was all she needed right now.

Wendy had fallen in love with Jax Teller when they both had been in High school. He had been three years older than she, he had been a senior when she was a freshman. He had been together with Tara at that time, a woman Wendy hated more than her own mother, and that meant something. Two years Wendy had watched Jax and Tara silently and her desire had grown. But then Tara had left the city, to study in Chicago, and Wendy had seen her chance. A week later she had started spending her friday nights in the clubhouse, although her mother promised her she would just be treated as a whore. Wendy had answered that if somebody knew something about whoring around it was her mother, which had brought her a harsh slap in the face. But Wendy went to the club nevertheless, and she had to realize that her mother had been right, although she never admitted it. Four years she had been easy pussy for every SON who wanted her, hoping some day Jax would notice her. She had already waited so long, she could wait a bit longer, at least that's what she thought.
It took six nights in the sheets together with Jax until they talked for the first time, and nearly another year before he had called her his girlfriend. In all these years Wendy had to sleep with the other SONS as well, and with every time she hated herself a bit more. That was when she started to take drugs. First it was just weed, to calm herself down when Tig demanded unspeakable things from her again. Juice had finally introduced her to LSD when he found her crying in the bathroom and from that moment it was like a self-fullfilling-prophecy. When she was high, she could be exactly the kind of girl Jax wanted – open, funny and never jealous. But after every high she felt worse, remembered what she had to do to get this far, and she needed another dose to get up again.

Jax had noticed that, after a few weeks. He had helped her through her first rehab, and he was very supportive. But when Wendy came back, she had to realize that Jax hadn't waited. He had continued fucking croweaters and Wendy couldn't blame him without sounding like a crazy jealous girlfriend. She had promised Jax that she would never that way, this had been one condition he had made when they came together. So she had drugged herself again, this time to forget what her boyfriend was doing when he wasn't with her. Her first overdose had followed only two moths later.

Somehow Wendy had managed to stay with Jax, they moved in together, he gave her his crow and proposed. He never stayed faithful to her, even after the wedding, but Wendy knew better that to ask for it. She knew, the only reason Jax did all this because she was easy, a "cool chick". As long as she didn't make any problems, he would continue this charade of a marriage. And finally, after nearly two years of trying, Wendy got pregnant. She hoped, this would change everything and even managed to stop every drug for nearly six months. Jax had always wanted to have children and she had been devastated when it didn't work out on the first try. Maybe, when Jax finally became a father, he would become more mature, like Opie had, so they could finally become a real family. And Jax really had been happy when she told him that she was pregnant, he promised that he would be there for the baby and would try to be a great father. But this intention only maintained a few month, then he started staying in the clubhouse for the night. And when he came home he smelled like sex and cheap perfume. Wendy had taken her old habits back up again and pretended like everything was alright. But about a week ago, she had found divorce-papers as she had looked through some of Jax' stuff. After reading Wendy knew that Jax had Lowen set those up before she told him, she was pregnant. And that he didn't talked about it to her since, gave her hope, that he had changed his mind. Maybe he didn't love her anymore, but he was man enough to stay with her for the baby, at least that was what she hoped. But yesterday Wendy had seen Tara Knowles in the St. Thomas Hospital, and she seemed to be the new neonatal-doctor.
Wendy loved Jax for sure, but she knew when she had lost. There was no chance in the world that Jax would stay with her, when Tara was back in town. After all those years, he still loved her and Wendy only had a chance with him because she had broken his heart. Baby or not, if he had the chance, Jax would always chose the love of his life above everything else. So, she would be a fair loser and let him be.

After Wendy had eaten the whole box of icecream and felt like an ugly trash bin, she felt in the right mood to listen to Jax' message on the answering machine. She leaned against the dresser and closed her eyes, to imagine Jax standing right in front of her.

"Hey, Wendy. I'm sorry that I only call now. I totally forgot your appointment, I'll definitely make up for it. I have to go on a run now, but I should be back on thursday. Then I'll take you to dinner, I promise."

A loud beep ended the message and Wendy opened her eyes. She had hoped that his last words would be "I love you", but this would have to do it. Now she was in the right mood to writer her last words to Jax.

Dear Jax,

When you read this, you will probably hate me. And I can't even blame you, because I most likely have killed myself and our baby. But try to push your anger aside just for a second and listen to me at least for one time.
I have loved you, since the day I saw you for the first time. You surely don't remember, but I do as it was yesterday. I was 14 years old and a nervous freshman, you surely didn't notice me. But that did not matter, because I knew I could wait. I gave so much to be with you, and sometimes I think it was too much. When I finally got what I wanted, I wasn't the person to keep it anymore. I thought you loved me, and with this thought I want to die. You were there for me like no one else before, and I'll always be thankful for that. But we were never meant to be, and I should have never brought a baby into our fucked up relationship. We tried so hard to make something work which should't be, that we made a lot of wrong decisions. This baby is only a symptom of the disease called our marriage. But I also know, that you wouldn't go for a divorce now, or an abortion, you are to honorable for that. So, I'm making this a lot easier for both of us. You will meet another woman, Tara for example, and if god wants, you will have a house full of beautiful children. And concerning me, let's just say that I've been tired of this for a long time. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of and which I'll never be able to forget. You made me last for a few more years, but after my first overdose it was just a matter of gave me most of the best memories of my life, which I will be always thankful for. So let met thank you by making this decision for both of us, and maybe, you can forgive me some day.

In love, Wendy

When Wendy finished writing tears streamed down her face and fell on the paper. She stood up, her whole body shaking. With a curtain of tears in front of her eyes she stumbled to the front door, where she had left her purse. She took the purse and rummaged around in it, for a moment in panic until she found the small white package, on which she had spend her last dollars. Some of the guys had thrown curious looks at her, as she had bought a package of Heroine obviously pregnant, but they knew better that to ask any questions.

As Wendy held the Heroine in her hands she felt a sudden calm rush over her. Now she knew what to do, she had done it hundredth of times before. So cooked up the Heroine and filled it into a syringe, then she tied her arm off with a belt. It took her a few seconds to find a vein, but when she squeezed the syringe out, it only took a fast breath until she could feel the wonderful effect. Another second, then everything around her went black. Maybe the drugs couldn't save her from herself, but they would save her baby of living a life like his mother had to.