Rose could hear the screams of Dalek and Cybermen all around her like alien white noise. It was like having her eardrums pulled over sharp, thin, metal grating. All the while there was this enormous force pulling on her body, as if dozens of people were tugging at her, trying to prise her fingers from the lever. She could feel her body trembling from the force. The plastic of the handle rubbed into her hands the tighter she held it, continually sending uncomfortable vibes through her hands the more the force fulled at her. It took all of her energy to hang onto the thing, to fight the growing urge to let go and relieve the soreness that was spreading through her palms. Against the temptation, she gripped the handle harder.
Her eyes soared across to the room to the Doctor, still hanging onto his clamp, being raised from the floor by the force of the Void energy being sucked back in. He was staring at her, his mouth half open, his eyes huge, panic stricken, mirroring her own fear. He was yelling at her. She could barely make out what he was saying, telling her to hang on. She had never heard him sound so desperate and it filled her chest and her mind with an even deeper sensation of fear.
She closed her eyes, searching herself for any ounce of strength that wasn't already giving 110% into this fight to stay alive. Rose was no stranger to life or death situations but somehow this one was far more important. She'd given up her Mum and Mickey to go back to the Doctor. She couldn't fall at this hurdle. She wouldn't let herself.
She could hear herself screaming, channeling her fear and her need to survive into her grip on the lever, feeling it tighten. The pull of the Void energy heightened once again for a brief moment she was almost yanked off the lever and then just as suddenly the force was gone. Nothing was keeping her in the air anymore. The screaming stopped. For a nanosecond, Rose was suspended in the air and then she fell hard to the floor.
Rose had never been so grateful for gravity, even as her knees roared their complaint in a brief flash of pain. The impact of the fall knocked some of the breath out of her and it began to sink in that she was safely on the ground again. Nothing was pulling at her. There were no Daleks or Cybermen about to kill her. It was over.
"Rose!" Rose was on her hands and knees when she heard the Doctor's yell. She looked towards him as he ran to her. His hands found her elbows, lifting her up easily and then his arms were around her and she was pressed against his chest, her face in his shoulder. She sank into him, her arms wrapped around his chest and she closed her eyes. She was safe. He was safe. The world was safe again. The enemy was defeated again.
"Rose…" the Doctor whispered in her ear as he held her tight. He breathed out and it was shaky and soft, tickling Rose's temple as he cradled her. "You shouldn't have risked your life like that. You could have been sucked in. You nearly were."
Rose lifted her face from his shoulder so she could speak. "Yeah," she agreed, "and what are the chances the Daleks and Cybermen would have given us time to do take two?" she asked, looking him in the eye, into those beautiful chocolate brown eyes.
He didn't answer, just stared at her for a few seconds. His mouth began to part as if he wanted to argue. "It might've worked," he said after a pause, "I would have risked it. I nearly lost you. You nearly went into the Void, Rose. I could- I could never have risked that."
Rose's breath caught as she listened. She smiled as a small blush crept through her cheeks. "Good job it was me risking it and not you then. Besides, there was more at stake than just me and you dying, wasn't there? If we'd have died, what would have happened to the earth?" The Doctor turned his head away with a frown. His lips merged into a thin line, as his eyebrows plunged. She watched the muscles in his cheeks tighten and knew her point had landed. He didn't speak for several long seconds but she felt his hands pull her a little closer and she didn't fight it. Her hands found his shoulders and held onto them. "If I had to die, Doctor, I'd like to do it so that the people of Earth are safe. One life versus millions. That's no contest, is it?"
The Doctor's head jerked back to face her. "You're not just one life in a million Rose," he snapped, his voice fraught as he spoke. "Your death wouldn't mean nothing. Not to me."
Rose took a breath and squeezed his shoulders. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I just… I just meant I'd rather die knowing that we'd done everything to save the Earth than take a gamble that wasn't in our favour." She smiled at him, meeting his eyes.
The Doctor still didn't smile though he lifted one of his hands and moved it to cup her cheek. The entire right side of her face tingled when he touched her skin. "Rose, I never want to come that close to losing you again. Seeing you that close to going into the Void," he took in a deep breath, "I can never unsee that."
"I'm sorry," Rose reached up and touched the Doctor's cheek. He let out a long exhale as if he'd been holding his breath and was only just allowed to breathe again.
"I know," he whispered, "and I know you only did it to save the Earth." His smile began to grow over his face. "It's one of the many reasons why you are absolutely incredible, Rose Tyler." Rose grinned up at him. They held each other's gazes but it was Rose who moved first. She returned her arms around his shoulders and he swept her up off her feet, just a little off the ground. The Doctor held her there. Rose could feel some of tension leaving his shoulders as he put her down. He slowly released her, reaching back to ruffle his hair.
"Well that's done now. The Earth is safe. The Cybermen and Daleks are gone."
Rose looked towards the wall which, only a few minutes ago had been luminous with Void energy. "Mum and Mickey are gone now."
"I'm sorry." Rose looked up at the Doctor as he spoke. His face was an open canvas of guilt and regret. "You should have gone with them."
Rose shook her head. Suddenly the words wouldn't come. They were halted in her throat by a great sphere of emotion and a sea of all the things she would never do again. No more movie marathons with Mum, no more cheeky pints with Mickey, no more telling them about her adventures, no more pizza and wine nights. No more family meals. No more Chrismases and Halloweens together. All she had was an empty flat with the past smiling out of pictures at her. No more than those photos, a wardrobe and some utility bills to prove that Jackie Tyler had really existed. All of those things gnawed at Rose and she felt her tear ducts begin to overflow but she forced them back with a deep breath.
"I made my choice," she forced the words out. "I don't regret it," she said and then turned away from the wall. "We should probably go. The police are probably gonna get here soon. Unless you want to stay and explain everything?" she looked back at him, raising an eyebrow.
The Doctor was frowning at her, his eyes intense with concern. "Rose, you don't have to pretend to be okay. You're allowed to be upset."
"No," Rose said, trying to keep her voice level above the knot of emotion that was jamming itself harder in her throat. "I chose this. I wanted this." She closed her eyes. "I do want this. I knew what I was giving up. I… I'm not entitled to be upset. I did this." She wrapped her arms around herself. It didn't help with the emotions at all.
The Doctor stepped forward. Gently, he took her arms and unfolded them. His hands moved to take hers and Rose made no movement to stop him. "You made a choice no one should have to make. The fact you chose to make it doesn't take away your right to be sad and miss your mother. Don't bottle it up, Rose. She wouldn't want that from you and… neither do I."
Rose swallowed. The lump was getting worse now. She squeezed the Doctor's hands and forced herself to push those feelings down for now. "Can… can we just leave?" she asked.
The Doctor continued to eye her with concern but he nodded. "Okay."
"I need to go back to the flat," Rose said. "One last time."
The flat, as it often was, was mostly a mess. The door to Rose's room was half open and that was the only tidy room about the place. The bed was well made and the floor was spotless. Her window was open, filling the room with fresh air. Even her bedside tables were tidy. Across the hall, her mum's room, however, boasted an unmade bed, several drawn out drawers, a messy collection of perfumes and hair products atop the chest of drawers and a dressing gown thrown over the bed. As for the living room, it could have been worse. There were empty tea-stained mugs and plates littering the coffee table. The couch was playing host to various celebrity magazines, one of Jackie's jackets and a pack of cards. The kitchen counters were full of empty glasses and piles of empty ready meal boxes.
Stepping inside it all was like a punch to the gut. But Rose persevered and walked into the living room.
Pictures of her life with Jackie smiled up at her from cheap, plastic or wooden frames along with pictures of Rose as a baby, a child and a teenager occupied places on the bookshelf, the mantlepiece and the walls. As Rose looked around at each photograph, she played the memory of it over and over in her head along with so many others. The time she'd fallen off her bike and broke her ankle, how much her mother had cuddled her and promised her everything would be okay if she calmed down and let the doctor help her. Rose half smiled at the irony of her mother's advice, how her mother had resented the Doctor for such a long time. She picked up a picture of her mum on the coffee table. It was Rose's favourite. It was on her mother's fortieth birthday. Rose, Mickey and the family had saved up to hire her mum's favourite pub's function room for the event. It had been so crowded. All of her mother's friends and relatives had turned up, people who she had worked with and a lot of neighbours. It had been an amazing night. The karaoke machine had taken a hammering. The air had smelled thickly of gin and rum and everyone had danced the night away.
Rose's smile at the memory began to fade. All those people wouldn't know what had happened. They would just think Jackie had disappeared. They'd keep searching for her. But no one would ever find her because she wasn't coming back.
Rose picked up the photograph and stared down at her beautiful mum, beaming into the camera, looking like a superstar. The same mum who had always been there for Rose no matter how many times Rose had messed up and no matter how many nasty things they'd yelled at each other in the heat of the moment. Now there would be no more cups of tea and quiet make up chats, no more Cliff Richard on bank holiday Mondays, no more takeaways and X-Factor evenings. No more Jackie Tyler. No more Mum.
A sob escaped Rose's lips before she had a chance to stop it and then one after another they were pouring out of her just as tears rushed down her cheeks. Shoulders shaking, Rose held the photograph close to her. I'm sorry, Mum, I'm so sorry. She bowed her head, her blonde hair falling like curtains around her face, shielding her tears. But the sobs continued to grow in number and volume until her whole body was trembling with them.
Suddenly arms wrapped around her and she felt a study chest against her back as well as the faint aroma of the Doctor's cologne as he held her.
"I'm so sorry," the Doctor whispered into her hair. "I'm so sorry, Rose. If I'd have checked Jackie was in the TARDIS. If I'd just made her stay in the TARDIS…"
"It's not your fault," Rose wept, "I should have made you take her home or made sure she was out of there. I… it's my fault."
"It's not your fault." The Doctor took her shoulders and slowly turned her around to face him. "None of this was your fault. You made a choice. You didn't bring the Daleks or Cybermen here. You didn't widen the crack between universes. All you did was choose what world you wanted to be in. This is your home." He reached up to cup the back of her head, gently turning her gaze up to him.
"My mum probably thinks I abandoned her," Rose said, her voice cracking so much now. "I didn't even say goodbye. I just left. How selfish am I?"
The Doctor held her gaze, turmoil in his eyes. Rose could see her own reflected in those brown orbs. "You're not selfish, Rose. You just risked your life to save the human race. As far as selfish goes that's not even on the scales. Besides, you didn't have much time to say all those goodbyes. It was a terrible situation."
"I still should have tried. You told us what would happen once the breach was closed. I knew it would be permanent. I didn't even spare seconds to say goodbye." More sobs took hold of her and Rose tightened her arms around the photograph. "My mum deserved better than that. I should have been better for her." She released one hand and moved it to cover her eyes, fruitlessly wiping away at the continuous flow of tears.
"Rose." The Doctor took her hand away from her face and moved his other to her cheek, stroking it and wiping the streams of tears away. "Rose. Hindsight is a terrible thing sometimes. Any goodbye was never going to be fitting enough when you're being separated forever. There are always going to be things you wish you could have done. I have them too," he explained as he squeezed her hand. "I wish I'd never put you in harm's way. I wish…" he trailed off.
"Wish what?" Rose was aware of how small her voice sounded but right now it was all she could manage.
"There are so many things I wish I could change about my past. I wish I'd said a better goodbye to my parents. I wish I could have saved more people on Gallifrey before it burned. I wish I hadn't run away from certain things. I only made things worse by doing that. The Game Station, the Hundred Years of Hell on Earth, I could have stopped that by sticking around. But I can't change that, not without making things so much worse."
"You did what you thought was right."
"So did you. That's my point Rose. You thought you were doing the right thing. There was no time to spare."
Rose exhaled. "But I feel so guilty." She lowered her hand holding the picture and dropped it on the coffee table. "I don't know how I can live with that guilt, knowing what I could have done instead, that she deserved better than that."
"I know," The Doctor said, still stroking her cheek. "But your intentions were good, Rose. They weren't to abandon your mother. You did it so you weren't leaving me."
He stopped for a moment and lowered his hand away, looking at her with an expression Rose hadn't seen before. It was as though she'd completely changed in front of his eyes and she wasn't comfortable with the thought of it. Would that be what he thought of her now? The girl who had abandoned her mother? She swallowed. Her insides tightened defensively. If he did think that, he could come out and say it. She felt wretched enough as it was. But in that second, that flicker of anger, of worry just disappeared and common sense returned. He didn't think that of her. She knew that as strongly in her gut as she knew that coming back had been the right thing to do. But the consequences were harder than she'd imagined. Losing the option of going home to her mum was just going to have to be something she lived with from now on.
"I didn't… I didn't even think, even after last time. I didn't expect you to choose to come back." The Doctor finally confessed.
Rose felt herself smile as warmth flooded through her chest. "Yeah?" she asked. "You didn't learn that from last time?" she asked. "The Game Station. Always comes down to you against the Daleks, doesn't it? Has it really taken you this long to realise that I'm never going to leave you? Especially not facing them alone."
The Doctor began to grin. "I guess I'm just a bit slow."
"Yeah, you think?" Rose continued to smile through her tears. She looked around at the flat where she'd grown up, where she'd spent her life before the Doctor. "I wasn't choosing this place, this planet or this universe when I made my choice, Doctor," she said as she turned her gaze back to him. "I was choosing you."
The Doctor's grin softened back into an emotional smile. "I know."
"I just didn't think it would come down to one thing or the other," Rose admitted. She moved away and looked around the room. "Like I said, I don't regret it but… it's time to move on. Mum's not coming home again now. This… this isn't home anymore." She wiped her tear-streaked face.
"Rose you don't have to do this now. You've just lost your mum. No," the Doctor amended himself. "I didn't mean that."
"Technically I didn't lose her," Rose agreed quietly. "But I'll never see her again. It's like losing her. Like Dad all over again. I messed that up too. Now I've done it again with Mum."
"No," The Doctor crossed the room to her. "You didn't mess up. Your mum has a second chance with the man she loved. Sure, it's a parallel version of him and that's kinda weird," as he spoke Rose found herself smiling a bit more, "but it's a chance she was never going to get before. She's not going to be on her own in that parallel world. That's something."
Rose nodded, the lump in her throat returning to her, preventing her from speaking. She lowered her head. The Doctor pulled her into his arms.
"You don't need to try and deal with this on your own," he murmured. "I'm here."
His hands moved over her back in smooth strokes, gently reaching up to her hair and cradling her. In his arms things would be okay. Within them it was normally enough to put aside any quarrels and just enjoy being close to them. Rose closed her eyes and she could see her mum, confused and disorientated after teleporting to the strange new world. Rose saw her look towards Rose and then Rose had turned away, resolved to go back and then she'd just gone. She hadn't even said anything to her mum, hadn't tried to soothe her confusion. She'd just gone and left her in a strange world with only Mickey for familiarity. The tears began to build up in Rose's eyes again as she opened them. The Doctor's embrace was warm but not even that could chase away the image of her mother's confused face, burned onto her eyelids. Yes, her mum had Pete now and she still had Mickey. But up until this point in life, it had been her and Rose. They had been the real team and Rose had left her behind without even a second's though or a goodbye. The worst part was that it still wasn't enough to make Rose regret her choice either.
"And in forty years time, fifty, there'll be this woman, this strange woman walking through the marketplace on some planet a billion miles from Earth. But she's not Rose Tyler, not anymore. She's not even human."
Her mum's words floated back to her over the sea of guilt, each word landing hard. Was this what was happening? Was she becoming less human? Was that the price of being with the Doctor? It's not the only price. Rose said nothing of these thoughts as she clung to the Doctor, resting her cheek on his shoulder as the emotions overwhelmed her.
"Okay, I need to get on with it," Rose said after a couple of peaceful minutes had passed. She wiped at her eyes. "I've got to sort this place out."
"Rose, don't do this now. You've got time to sort it out."
"No, I-I want to," Rose insisted. "I need to. I… I don't want it- I don't want it hanging over me. I just want to get on with things." She looked around the room.
"If you're sure." The Doctor looked doubtfully at her. She nodded at him, shoving her emotions back again. There'd be time for that.
"I am," Rose lied. She shoved her trembling hands in her pocket. "And I've… I've got to call Mo and the kids, tell them…. Tell them something." She covered her eyes with one hand for a moment and sucked in a breath. "Okay, okay, game face on. Just gotta-"
"Rose, this isn't a game," the Doctor gently reminded her. "You don't have to rush into this now. It's too soon. We can come back here anytime."
"No," Rose shook her head fiercely. "Doctor, I can't ever come back here again. I can't. It's too hard." She struggled to keep back the tears. "Please don't ask me to do that. Please can… can we just sort this now? Please? I can't face coming back here. It's too much… I just want to keep busy. If I don't keep busy, it's just too much to think about right now."
The Doctor pulled her back into a hug and this time he kissed the top of her head. "Okay, okay," he said softly. "Tell me where you want me to start," he added in a whisper.
They reached a compromise over the packing after a lot of discussion.
The Doctor suggested they pack everything up and move it to the TARDIS. Rose could go through everything once she was ready and this way they wouldn't have to return to the flat. Rose agreed to this after some long thought. It was time to leave the Powell estate behind but she wasn't ready to go through her mum's stuff yet. So she and the Doctor worked on packing up the flat. There was a brief break in tension when the Doctor showed Rose some small clip on teleports they could use to move the boxes to one of the storage rooms. They first experimented on Rose's box of stuffed animals just in case the technology glitched. Thankfully it ended up in Rose's room as instructed. One by one, the other boxes were sent to the storage room.
Around half eight, Rose made a call to her cousin Mo to tell her something about why Jackie wasn't going to be around. All the time, the Doctor could hear Rose struggling through her words, her hands shaking, feet pacing across the living room over and over as she spoke to her cousin. If Rose's end of the conversation was any indication, tears were being shed. Rose's cheeks were puffy and red from crying and rubbing at her face by the time she ended the call.
"You told her Jackie was dead." The Doctor observed.
Rose nodded. "I couldn't tell her the truth. I don't want her to think that I'm mad. I just can't go through that right now. Besides it's going to hurt her either way. She and Mum were so close," she added, moving to lean against the TARDIS doors. The blue box stood in the doorway to Jackie's room and Rose was glad of the blockage to that view now. "I just can't believe it," she murmured. "This morning everything was fine and now everything's changed. All because Torchwood were messing around with the Void."
"Torchwood has a lot to answer for," the Doctor agreed as he leaned against the other door to the TARDIS. He reached down to interlock their fingers. "But they don't deserve your thoughts, Rose. They've caused enough trouble as it is."
"Yeah," Rose said, her voice sounding a little stronger now. "Move forwards, yeah?"
The Doctor nodded. He didn't know how she was being this strong. He hadn't felt like that when he'd made the decision to let Gallifrey burn to end the Time War. He didn't consider himself remotely strong when he thought about all those lives that had ended with one push of a button. All that loss. He could never be okay with that. He'd never wanted that. He'd chosen one out of two bad choices and now he had to live with it. Rose's choice, by comparison, was less damning than his. But he would never say that because it was damning to her. He wondered if she would ever forgive herself for her choice. Would you? He wondered inwardly. Would you forgive yourself if you left your mother in another universe? It wasn't the same situation though. If the Time Lords were here, one could jump between universes and be back in time for supper. That wasn't an option anymore.
Rose's hand dropped from his. "Time to go," she said, pushing her way into the TARDIS. The Doctor followed her inside. She was standing by the console, looking at the screen, at the image of the empty flat where she'd spent her life. Her face was unreadable. The Doctor ached to reach out and touch her shoulder or take her hand, just something to help her feel like she wasn't alone. But he didn't. Something inside him told him to hold back and give Rose this space.
It was a long time before she moved away and disappeared from the console room for a couple of hours.
After putting the TARDIS on autopilot for a while and taking a shower in his room, the Doctor returned to find that Rose had come back to the console room. More specifically she had opened the TARDIS doors and seated herself on the edge, legs dangling into space, fingers holding onto the edge. She stared around at all the stars in complete silence.
The Doctor crossed the room towards her, his footsteps not as quiet as he'd like but if Rose heard him she didn't give any indication.
"I don't want this universe to forget about Mum," she seemed to say the words to the stars, as though she was wishing on one of them.
The Doctor carefully sat down next to her, his own legs dangling next to hers. "I don't think anyone's going to forget your mum in a hurry," he remarked. He smiled as he remembered a day, so long ago, seen by different eyes, when that fierce blonde tornado had whacked him across the face. He remembered the fury in her eye like an aggravated tigress eyeing him like he was a poacher that had dared to steal her cub from her. Now there was an animal that summed up Jackie Tyler. There had been the incident with Elton. She'd chosen to protect him as well as Rose and words could not express how much that had surprised him. But then Jackie had seemed more amiable towards his newest incarnation than she had his predecessor. Then again, his latest regeneration hadn't accidentally stolen her daughter from her for an entire year so that probably helped.
"Do you think…?" Rose's question disappeared into the cosmos in front of them.
"What?"
"Nothing. It's cheesy," she said.
"No, tell me."
She was silent for about a minute. "I was thinking it'd be nice to… maybe… name a star after her or something." She was still looking away from him. "But that probably sounds lame," she said quietly.
The Doctor began to smile. "That sounds perfect," he said. This time, he reached out and took her hand again. She squeezed it and looked sideways at him.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Jackie deserves that. We'll find a new star, a big one, and we'll name it after her. It'll burn for millions of years, maybe even billions." He rubbed the side of his face with his free hand. "Just like one of her slaps. You know I can still feel it."
Rose laughed. "Yep, that was mum all right. You didn't forget one of her slaps in a hurry," She swallowed and looked out at the stars again. "Billions of years, yeah?" she asked. "I think she'd really like that."