"Who are you?" I heard my voice as if it was spoken by someone else. It was calm and confident, but I didn't feel calm or confident. The restraints binding me chafed and the blind fold covering my eyes was true to its job, not the smallest essence of light could pass. I felt vulnerable.
The was no immediate answer as I heard someone circling me slowly. "I am the master of the knights of ren, supreme leader over this great army and a master of the force" a deep dark voice responded.
"Kylo ren" my voice faltered as I pronounced the name. The name that holds the galaxy hostage, with fear and pain.
"yes" he said as the footsteps ended in front of me, "what is your name?"
If his voice wasn't so dark and commanding the question could almost sound casual, "Catri" I answered.
How I came to be in this tight spot was a somewhat complicated and convoluted story; in which I did something stupid and idiotic for someone I love, but I'd do it again. I can't imagine that Kylo ren would understand why I did it, very few people in the universe would. Because love is a concept that has been stamped out in most places now. Since the first order rose to power, fear and hate are all people know, but love, that is what I cling to, it is behind everything the resistance believes in. And I am with the resistance.
I'd die for love; I endure torture for love. And I resign myself to my fate now by the hands of kylo ren knowing that those I love are safe.
"you are a sentimental Catri" he commented as I realised, he was a lot closer to me than I thought, his hand rose to my cheek when I realised, he was inside my head.
"you think yourself a matre" he continued, I focused my mind trying to push him out but he was too strong "you are no matre, your loved ones will die and your sacrifice will be for nothing I can promise you that"
"the more harm you cause" I say through the strain of fighting the force trying to pry into my mind "the more the resistance will grow against you Kylo Ren, you are sowing the seeds of your own destruction"
His hand lowered in response to my words and he chuckled "there is no power, no army greater than the legions I hold in my power"
"I don't believe that" I state, trying to gauge where in the room my capture was, there was nothing I could do to defend myself, but I thought at least knowing where he was, would give me some comfort. I could at least prepare myself for any blow or attack I had coming.
"tell me about the boy, the pilot in your head, you love him, correct?" I will admit the question baffled me, I had not realised how inside my thoughts he had gotten, and I certainly wasn't expecting such a personal question during this interrogation. Bennar was the boy he was referring to. But he was not a boy, in fact he was three years my senior and I was just 22.
"you tell me, you're the one poking around in my mind"
"I think you are fond of him, since childhood you have loved him yet he never seemed to notice." Rens words rung true but I did my best conceal that "you joined the resistance together?"
"yes" I respond reluctantly "why are you doing this? What do you want from me? The location of the rebel alliance? Forget it, I will give you nothing!" I demanded
Kylo ren chuckled again, "I can take anything I want" he uttered as if it was that simple, I feel his hand graze my cheek again, the gesture freezes me momentarily "but It's more fun this way, more interesting, I see a spark in you Catri for a mere medic you have a warriors heart"
Silence rang throughout the place, he removed his hand again "so the pilot" he continued "it was for him you sacrificed your freedom, why? When he didn't love you back"
I scoff "I Don't expect you to understand" I simply state, clearly this answer displeased Ren as I felt a cold grip enclose my throat and breathing become more laboured and strained.
"try me" me said leaving his hand in place for a moment longer and then released me suddenly "why did you stay and he retreat?"
"the ship was badly damaged" I answered "someone had to manually release the escape pod, his job was more important than mine so I insisted he go" I managed through exasperated breaths, his touch had left my struggling to catch my breath.
In my mind I saw his face as the escape pod detached and he floated away, I pressed my hand against the ships window as tears flowed down my cheeks, I watched him drift further and further away from me. I thought about how I may never see is short ebony hair again, he always had a boyish scruffy look about him as he couldn't keep his locks neat, nor did he ever try really.
"I see this moment pains you" Rens voice brought me back to reality, I had forgotten how easily he could penetrate the surface memories and thoughts of the mind. "what was his job that was so important?"
I didn't answer and did my best to close my mind, by now I'm sure he'd be back at base but I didn't want to risk him being intercepted If they knew what our mission really was. "he's a fighter pilot" I state simply "I'm just a 'mere medic' as you so eloquently put it"
Ren pondered the answer for a moment, he clearly wasn't satisfied with it, maybe he could tell I was concealing something. "and what was your purpose on that ship? It was not a fighter ship, it barely had adequate defences or decent weaponry"
"supply run" my answer was perhaps to rushed, to revised, and he probably saw through it "medical supplies, we took an inconspicuous ship so we'd be less likely to be targeted"
"and how did that work out for you?" I could hear the grimace in his voice. I didn't respond knowingly yet my head did lower in disappointment.
There were few people in the universe who had seen Kylo ren, yet alone had such convocations with him as this, yet I thought as I was reminded of the blindfold. I couldn't see his features, or read his expression, once again I was reminded of how vulnerable I was in this position.
There was a moment silence again I heard his footsteps retreat away from me, not far, but at least now he wasn't so close. "why do you keep me blind?" I enquired.
"why are you so ready to meet death?" he ignored my question completely "i can see it in your mind, you are resigned to a fate that has not yet been wholly decided. Do you not fear death?"
"your skill in mind penetration are not so good as I have heard then" I state "or maybe to just can't understand the thoughts of someone so different to yourself"
"explain yourself Catri and be brief, I have little patience for those who insult my abilities" a stern response met my remark, it was the first time I had heard his now unhinged voice with anger even behind the mechanical distortion that was evident in everything he said, I suspected this was the result of the helmet he wore. But I well knew the reputation of his short temper.
"I fear death" once again I spoke In another's voice, someone more confident then I truly felt "I'm terrified of dying, but not has terrified as I am of living in a world of pain, an existence where those I love are dead and I did nothing to stop it; you see I am not a matre. My reasons for welcoming my own demise are entirely selfish, I cannot bare an existence in the world you have created"
Ren didn't speak for some time; it must have been five minutes before he made another sound. I could not see what he was doing but I imagined that he was mulling my answer over. Yet I could not inspire words to leave my own lips either, I suspected the use of the force had something to do with this, Kylo Ren wanted silence, and he got it.
Eventually however he cleared his throat "I must attend to other matters now" he stated in a more uniform monotonous voice, it was not lined with the curiosity he had present before "I shall return when your fate has been decided"
He didn't remove the blindfold or say anything else. He simply left, I heard doors on the far side of the room open, then close.
I was left with nothing to do but contemplate my own demise and linger on the thoughts I had supressed in Kylo Rens presence.
Over and over again I pictured the last image I had of Bennar, his deep golden coloured eyes filled with tears from the other side of the glass, him handsome face drained with worry. And the echo of his last words "I fill find you again, I promise Cat, I will find you"
All these circumstances would lead some people to assume there was a deep connection between the two of use, which there was, love was shared on both parts, but off the many types of love that exist in human hearts ours were polar opposites.
I was in love with him, it had been growing for years, a deep love for a man who was my hero, my best friend. He loved me also, but as platonic as one loves a sibling. I had been his companion since childhood and where my feelings towards him had grown and developed, his feelings towards me had not. A reality I had accepted a long time ago in the hope that by accepting it the situation would become easier, I was wrong.
My thoughts then moved to my own fate. I could see only two ways this situation may end for me. One way was most likely, that I would be killed, it seemed almost certain. The other way, highly unlikely, in fact it was nearly impossible, that I would be rescued. I tried not to dwell on the second notion for too long as I didn't want to trick myself into getting my hopes up.
I do not know how long I was left alone for. It was long enough for me to fall asleep, yet I suspect I was not a sleep for very long as when I woke, I did not feel rested. The restraints that kept me strapped almost vertically began to hurt more and I grew weary of the darkness my blind fold imparted.
I found after while it was easier to slip into romantic notions, day dreams in which I would see around the cell; which I imagined to be a plain room with no windows, it was probably metal or some similar material but in shape and size not to different from the cells we had at the rebel base.
In this day dream I was retrained as I am now but instead of damp and blood-stained clothes that tell of my last battle on board my own ship, I was wearing crisp clean white clothing, it was a simple and practical ensemble just like the ones we wore on my home planet.
I would not be restrained long as the door to the cell would open, and in Bennar came, wielding a blaster, fighting of the enemy until he released me of the restraints and took me in his arms.
I had gotten quite carried away with the picture of Bennar about to kiss me when a voice drew me back to the cell I actually inhabited "how tragic" it spoke. I realised immediately I hadn't heard Kylo Ren enter and he had easily slipped into my mind. "you revere this man as your hero, but he just doesn't seem to get it"
"if I tell you all about my tragic infatuation with Bennar will you remove this damned blindfold, I grow wary of the darkness" my outburst made him chuckle; though i had not intended it to be funny. "i suppose no harm would come from removing it now" he stated and quickly I heard his footsteps about me and the cloth removed to reveal a brightly lit room. so bright in fact it took a moment for my eyes to adjust.
A dark figure stood in contrast to the white floor and walls of the cell, as it came more and more in focus, I saw for the first time my capture, Kylo Ren. His black robes matched his black helmet which was focused only on my face now. Though I couldn't see his eyes I suspected he was studying my eyes now they had been fresh revealed to him, "are you more comfortable now?"
"not really" I fidgeted in the straps that were digging into my wrists and arms more and more.
"good" the mechanical voice rang
"you said you would return when my fate has been decided" I finally spoke when I pulled my attention away from the features of his mask to the light sable dangling dangerously by his side, it was unignited but his gloved hand hovered over it absently "so what is my fate?"
He formulated his answer as carefully as he could. I had the impression he was working hard to maintain the upper hand in our discourse, but he was allowing me more freedom in my questioning then I had expected. "general Hux would have me kill you" he said finally, searching my eyes intently to gauge my reaction, I gave him none.
"who is General Hux to decide my fate?" I enquired
He held his hands behind his back and strolled over to the opposite wall facing me where he leaned casually, "my sentiments exactly" he surprised me "I am the supreme leader and I believe you still have valuable information for us"
"then why aren't you torturing me, surely you know I would not give you anything willingly" I asked quickly, this whole not knowing thing was getting very draining.
"for someone in a position such as you are, you are awfully keen to be tortured" he chuckled "if you insist, I shall comply"
I swallowed hard. I thought I could with stand torture, but of a dark sith? I had no idea what such torture entailed. What sort of pain would he cause? What sort of methods would he employ?
He read my thoughts then and approached me "I will try to penetrate your mind and read those thoughts you even now try to conceal from me" he stated running a gloved hand down my cheek almost gently "and you will try to resist me. Eventually your mind will be so exhausted from the strain of resisting the force that you will open up to me and from your defeated mind I will pull all of the information I want." he spoke in my ear now, his dark commanding voice sending shivers down my spine "this kind of extraction is not as easy and painless as the power to extract your surface level thoughts as I have been doing, it will be long and painful, and the more you resist the more I will push" there was a hint of pleasure in his voice as he explained this to me, he was looking forward to causing me such distress.
With deep breathes I steadied my thoughts "you do not scare me; I will not give you what you want willingly"
"very well" i did not look at him but I could hear the satisfaction in his words, he knew I would say this but enjoyed describing what he was about to do to me greatly. He pressed a button on the side of object to which I was strapped and I moved, before I knew it, I was looking at the ceiling and he was stood over me.
He was savouring every moment I could tell "I was hoping you'd resist" he commented as he removed his gloves. He rested his hands on my head so that his thumbs touched my temple. He closed his eyes and tuck a deep breath. Then the pain started, I don't remember screaming but I know I did. It was like no pain you have ever felt, like my blood was boiling in my head as the force pushed its way in.
It rushed around my brain in an unnatural way I could barely breath the pain was so intense. But In my mind, I repeated 'don't let him in! Don't let him in!' my thoughts went to Bennar as a reminder of what I was protecting, my cause.
My inner monologue however was no longer just my own, his voice rang in my head along with my own thoughts 'I will take what I want' it said and each word hurt like a drop of acid being poured into my ears that travelled slowly, destructivly down to by brain. Reluctantly I started to think through the pain, a frozen image crossed over my mind; princess leia and two generals stood opposite myself and Bennar; this was the day we received our mission. Before he could bring the memory to life, I refocused my energy, I would not let him see, I would not endanger the rebellion. He would not use me to destroy the people I love "NO!" I screamed at last and as I pushed the sound out of my body, I pushed him out as well.
He stumbled back and made a guttural sound, pure anger made audible. The experience drained me, I was panting and sweating "how did you do that!" he demanded was out of my view now I heard kicking and thrashing against the wall. He drew His light sabre which he promptly brought down dangerously close to my neck. The rumours said he had a temper. I had no trouble believing this.
I was scared to breath its rugged, chaotic, blade was so close to my skin I could feel its heat. I was afraid that the very action of taking a breath, moving my chest, would bring me pain.
I stared at it for a moment before Ren appeared to regain control of his fury and brought the lightsabre up. I breathed deeply with relief.
That was the closest to death I had ever been, but I did it. I resisted the power of the force.