Raven sighed as she sat in her arm chair, looking down at the Doctor as he wiped down the console. They'd set down at a human colony on Mendorax Dellora at Christmas in the year 5343. She didn't know why nor did she want to ask.
Maybe it was the Doctors own way to try to cheer himself up, he always did love Christmas on Earth.
She set down her empty mug of tea, leaning her head against the back of the chair and closing her eyes a moment. The Doctor hasn't quite been himself since they left Gallifrey.
She wasn't sure if it was just the place itself, the people or the prophecy that he was unintentionally part of. Or if he was just missing Clara. She wasn't even sure if he could remember her or not. With the neural block set as human compatible they couldn't be sure if it would only work on a human mind and with Clara able to still remember the Doctor that was proof it didn't go off on her. But the Doctor acted as it hit him, so was he just pretending so Clara wouldn't try to stay with him? Or did he generally no longer remember the human who had risked her life for him, the one who had been there to save Gallifrey.
She snapped her eyes back open hearing her name and glanced down to see the Doctor staring up at her with...a pair on reindeer antlers on his head. What was that about?
"Did you fall asleep or just resting your eyes?" He asked her, he knew she was awake and had just been deep in her own mind but it was so much fun to tease her that she fell asleep no matter where she was.
She shifted, "Is there any reason you're trying to be stupidly funny?" She asked, gesturing to the antler on his head.
"What do you mean?" He frowned at her, not quite sure what she was on about and just waving it off as it just been Raven.
She bit her lip, realising he had no idea about the antlers on his head. It was the TARDIS. She was doing it to try and cheer them both up. For a sentimental time machine who could hold a grudge that was oddly sweet. "Nothing," she said, "must have fallen asleep."
"Right." The Doctor nodded trailing off at the knock at the doors. They'd left a note on the door warning Christmas carollers that they would be criticised if they came knocking. Surely no one has actually come had they?
Did they not know how much Raven loved insulting people?
The Doctor looked at her, rolling his eyes as she made no move to answer the door leaving him to do so, finding a short man in a red duffel coat and bobble hat at the door. "Is there anything on my head?" He questioned the man, just wanting to be sure Raven wasn't up to anything.
"Er," the man blinked, not having expected that as he knocked on the phone box doors, "well, yes."
"Describe it."
"Well, you've sort of got antlers."
"Antlers?" He repeated, leaning back inside the TARDIS to glare up at Raven as she mockingly raised her empty mug to him.
"Yes, antlers." The man confirmed.
"Antlers! Hmm." The Doctor slammed the door on the stunned man, hitting the console, "You are a time-space machine. You're a vehicle! I've never asked you to cheer me up with hologrammatic antlers!" He frowned at the hum he received. "What does that mean?"
"Oh even I know that," Raven lightly rolled her eyes as she made her way down to join him at the console, "the comedy antlers are not for you. To cheer you up. They're for me."
"Oh." He blinked, "Well, good job old girl." He patted the console fondly, "Now get rid of them." He grinned at the hum, hoping that meant they were gone. "Thank you." He reopened the doors, the small man still stood there, "Can I help you?"
"Yes." He nodded, "Are you the surgeon?"
Raven snorted at that, joining him at the doors, "I wouldn't trust you to even so much as take my pulses yet alone surgery."
"Shh you." He side-eyed her, but smiled seeing she was simply smirking at her. The playful banter. She knew he hated it but kept at it to try and get a reaction from him. "It's close enough." He squinted at the man, "Why?"
"Well, you know." He shrugged.
"Yes, because we'd ask if we knew the reason." Raven rolled her eyes at the man.
"There's a medical emergency." The man explained, turning and gesturing them to follow after him.
The Time Lords glanced at each other, before the Doctor shrugged and filled him leaving Raven sighing and locking the TARDIS.
"Will there be singing?" The Doctor asked.
"No."
"Good."
"We weren't sure where you'd come down."
"Sorry?" Raven blinked, followed the man through the town.
"In your capsule."
"I'm never sure." The Doctor replied, "I don't like being sure about things. One minute you're sure, the next everybody turns into lizards and a piano falls on you."
"A piano?" The man frowned at him.
"It's been a long day." Raven sighed. One minute she had been in the TARDIS, messaging Missy to catch up and have tea and cake. But she had gotten interrupted by the Doctor yelling that he needed her help. He had somehow gotten trapped under a piano. He didn't explain and she didn't ask, didn't dare too.
"So what's the medical emergency?" The Doctor asked.
"Didn't you read the agreement?" The man shook his head.
Raven snorted as they walked out of the town and into an open field where in the distance a flying saucer sat in the snow, "that'll be the day."
"There it is." The man pointed to the flying saucer before them as they headed down towards it.
"What?" The Doctor shook his head.
"There. That's it."
"That's what? Oh, the flying saucer. Is that new?"
The doors opened and a figure in a white fur trimmed hooded red floor-length clock walked down the ramp to set them.
"Well, you took your time." The figure- a woman by the sound of their voice- remarked as they approached.
"Sorry, ma'am." The man bowed, "This is him. This is the surgeon."
"Hello." The Doctor waved.
"And his..." the man hesitated as he gestured to Raven, not actually sure why she was with them.
"She's my assistant."
Raven glared at him, "I stop him from doing stupid things."
"You don't look much like your pictures." The figure eyed the Doctor under her hood.
"Well, that's an ongoing problem for me." The Doctor grinned.
"And not me for hopefully a long time," Raven muttered under her breath.
"Yeah." The Doctor patted her shoulders, "your mother would kill me."
"She wants to kill you anyway."
"Doesn't look very impressive, does he?" The figure continued, "Nardole, what have you brought to my doorstep?"
"Raven gave me a haircut. This is my best suit."
"It's not even a suit."
"Do I know you?" Raven squinted, trying to peek under the hood but the woman pulled it down further preventing her from seeing her face. The voice was familiar, she just couldn't quite place it.
"You most certainly do not." She stated, throwing back her hood to reveal River Song! "And now that you've met me, you'll do your very best to forget me."
"River!" the Doctor grinned, broadly. Completely oblivious to the fact that he had regenerated since seeing River last. And with him having a new regeneration cycle River likely didn't have an image of this body's face. But it didn't explain why she didn't recognise Raven, she hadn't regenerated and looked exactly like she did at Luna University. Unless it was her human brain kicking in, oblivious that it could be Raven, considering she didn't know the girls life outside of the school. Why would she be travelling with the Doctor?
"Oi!" The man, Nardole looked at the Doctor sternly for his outburst, "Doctor Song to you. Sometimes Professor, but mainly Doctor."
"Don't use my name." River hissed, "Ever. How do you know me?"
"Well, it's a tiny bit complicated." The Doctor winced.
"A flow chart is usually needed." Raven added.
"It doesn't matter." River waved off, "If either of you use my name again, I will remove your organs in alphabetical order. Any questions?"
"Which alphabet?" The Doctor grinned only to get punched in the arm by Raven. "Always with the punching!"
"Stop being an idiot and I'll stop." She told him before flashing a bright smile at River, "Sorry about him, he's an idiot, you really didn't want these questions, did you?"
River eyed her, finding the girl in the fur coat, with her face hidden by her hood, rather familiar but couldn't place where, "This way. We don't have a lot of time." She turned and led the way into the saucer.
"What seems to be the problem?" The Doctor frowned as they followed.
"My husband."
"Your husband?" The Doctor blinked, as far as he was aware he was Rivers husband.
"Yes, my husband. Didn't you read my message? My husband, yes. My husband is dying."
"Something wrong?" Nardole asked the Doctor as the mans eyes widened as he stopped following for a moment.
"I think I'm going to need a bigger flowchart." He whispered.
"Come on." Raven rolled her eyes as she turned back to the men, "Do you really think River Song is the kind of woman to only have one husband."
"Suppose not."
"Don't worry," Raven assured, patting his arm, "I'm sure you're her favourite one. You have a time machine so that's just ups your favours."
"Why do I keep you around?" The Doctor huffed, "all you do is insult me."
"Because the alternative is me following my mothers footsteps and I don't think the universe is ready for a weird mother-daughter destroying/ruling the universe team just yet."
"Good point."
They followed River into a large open chamber further into the ship, hooded monks drawing their swords at their entrance before putting them away again seeing they were supposed to be there.
"Husband," River moved to the table in the middle of the room where a large red body sat, "I return to you."
"Where is my queen?" A voice called from the top of the suit.
"Never far from you, my love."
"No, wait." The Doctor blinked, pointing at the man, "That's your husband?"
"Listen, you are being watched by four billion people." River warned them, gesturing to the screens on the walls around the room, "You are surrounded by warrior monks with sentient laser swords, genetically engineered anger problems and not enough to do. Best just stay still and keep your hands by your side."
"No, wait. That's your husband?"
"My husband, your patient. King Hydroflax."
"You married King Hydroflax?" Raven gaped.
"Yes, that's who you're married to?" The Doctor was still caught on to the fact that River had married that man, "Not anybody else?"
"My love, attend me, woman!" Hydroflax demanded.
"I fly to you." River answered him, stroking his head as she looked at the Doctor who was still staring in shock, "Is there a problem?"
"Right." He nodded slowly "So you don't recognise me, then?"
"Why would I recognise you?" River shook her head.
"You've regenerated." Raven whispered to him. "Remember."
His eyes widened as he realised that, "Oh, no reason." He quickly waved off.
River eyed them a moment longer before caressing Hydroflaxs' armpit.
"I don't like him." The Doctor muttered, crossing his arms, "Do you like him?"
"Don't cross your arms." Nardole nudged him making the Doctor drop his arms.
"He's a lying down person." The Doctor recrossed his arms, "I don't like lying down people. It's so untidy."
"Oh my gosh!" Raven laughed.
"What?" He looked at her.
"I never thought I'd see the day. The Doctor-the Oncoming Storm- is jealous! That's hilarious!"
"Keep your arms by your side, like she said." Nardole hissed, knocking the Doctors arms down again.
"My one true love." River murmured to her other husband who wasn't the Doctor, "The only husband I will ever have."
Raven held a snort that that seeing the Doctor rolling his arms and crossing his arms again until Nardole nudged him making him drop them again.
"My time with you has been too short."
"You have given me days of adventure and many nights of passion." Hydroflax smiled at her.
Raven made a face of disgust, "please keep that to yourselves."
"Why do you keep crossing them?" Nardole huffed as he once again nudged the Doctor to drop his crossed arms. At least the other girl was doing as told, keeping her hands by her side.
"Because they cross," The Doctor huffed, "I've got cross arms."
"The end is near." Hydroflax breathed, "I feel it."
"Good." Raven muttered, only for Nardole to nudge her at that remark, "don't touch me!"
"Forgive me, my lord." River murmured, "I have acted against your instructions."
"My love?"
"If you die this day, this galaxy will drown any tears. Oh, look at them, your people!" She gestured widely to the screens of crowds in the towns, "They watch and hope and pray. With so much at stake, I followed my heart. I disobeyed your orders and sent for the finest surgeon in the galaxy!"
The crowds of the screens cheered and clapped as River gestured to the Time Lords. Nardole chuckled and lightly punched the Doctor on the arm.
"This might be an alarming question in the circumstance, but you really do think I'm a surgeon, don't you?" The Doctor whispered to the man.
His eyes widened in fear, "Oh."
"And you terrified him now." Raven sighed.
"Ok," the Doctor breathed, "calm down, keep it together. Don't make puddles."
"Surgeon, attend your patient." River gestured then off, not noticing Nardole whimpering quietly.
"Any tiny hint of species he might be?"
"Not human," Raven eyed the king, "Not humanoid actually."
"Robot?" The Doctor guessed.
"Something like that. Can't see from this distance."
"You just stay there." The Doctor murmured to Nardole seeing him whimpering in fear that he hadn't brought the right people to River, "you're probably going to need a mop." He told the closest monk at they walked to Hydroflax's side.
"Bow." River instructed.
"Excuse me?" Raven rounded on her, eyebrows raised. She didn't bow to anyone.
"You are in the presence of his Infinite Majesty, King Hydroflax. You will bow."
"Oh, no." The Doctor shook his head, "I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I can't do that."
"You what?"
"It's my back."
"Your back?"
"Yeah, my back's playing up."
"It's his age." Raven explained, "he's not as young as he once was."
"It simply refuses to carry the weight of an entirely pointless stratum of society who contribute nothing of worth to the world and crush the hopes and dreams of working people." The Doctor added.
"Can you save me, Surgeon?" Hydroflax asked them.
"Don't make me bow." Raven answered, "and we'll see."
"It depends upon what's wrong with you." The Doctor eyed him, trying to work out his species, or at least distract him so Raven could try to scan him without being noticed.
"There's something in his brain." River told them.
"You could have fooled me." The Doctor muttered causing Hydroflax to become angry at the insult. "Oh, oh, sorry." To calm him down River began to vigorously massage his face, "Sorry, just gallows humour. Probably the wrong word."
"Yeah, I would say it is." Nardole murmured from the side.
"My love, you must rest." River soothed, "The surgeon, his assistant," Raven made a noise of insult, "and I will discuss the procedure. Prepare, master of my life, to live anew." She planted a long sloppy kiss on Hydroxflax's head.
"I think I'm gonna throw up." Raven gagged as she turned to the Doctor.
"Not on me." He stepped away from her.
"Patience be with you all." River called, turning to the cameras, "Our King will rise again!"
"Our King will rise again." The crowds chanted as the Time Lords followed River into another chamber to the side.
"All right, enough of this." The Doctor huffed once the doors shut behind them leaving them to talk on privacy, "The joke's over."
"What joke?" River blinked.
"Look at me."
"Why?"
"I'm the Doctor."
"You'd better be, you've got an operation to perform."
"That is so human." Raven muttered under her breath.
River actived a hologram in the middle of the room of Hufroxflax's head, "Here's the entry wound, just below the hairline. And there's the projectile. It should have killed him straight off, but he's very strong."
"That's not a bullet," Raven shook her head, peering closer for a better look, "that's the Halassi Androvar."
"The very same." River nodded.
"How did it get in there?" The Doctor wondered.
"At speed."
Raven snorted, "Obviously!"
"Hydroflax was leading a raid on the Halassi vaults. In the ensuing fire-fight, the whole thing blew up in his face, with the result that he now has the most valuable diamond in the universe lodged three inches inside his enormous head. So, can you remove it?"
"It's very small." He frowned, setting the sonic glasses over his eyes for a better look, "It might be difficult to manoeuvre it."
"It'll be easier to remove the whole head." Raven stated.
"Raven!" The Doctor huffed.
"That's what I was thinking." River agreed.
"I'm sorry?" He removed the shades to stare at her.
"Yes. I think it would be easier just to remove the whole thing, don't you?"
"It would kill him." Raven pointed out.
"Well you are the medical experts."
"Oh no, he's the Doctor. I'm just psychopathic spawn."
"Don't call yourself that." The Doctor rolled his eyes at her.
She looked at him, a look on her face he couldn't quite place before she looked at River, "when you say husband do you mean king Hydroflax or the Halassi Androvar."
"I married the diamond." River shrugged. "The Halassi want their diamond back, so they came to me."
"Why?" The Doctor frowned.
"I'm an archaeologist."
"Slash murderer slash thief."
"An archaeologist is just a thief." She explained before adding, "With patience." She pulled out a large bag, emptying its contents, including a red fez and bronze plate, "Never had much of that. It'll fit in here, don't you think? I've checked it for leaks."
"Is this what you're like when I'm not..." The Doctor shook his head, his gaze on the fez that was now on the floor.
"Not what?"
"You're talking about murdering someone..." Raven began.
"No, I'm not." She argued, "I'm actually murdering someone. Cheer up, get a saw, I'll kill the lights, you kill the patient. I employed you. You agreed to this. Do you not know who that man is? King Hydroflax, the butcher of the Bone Meadows, who ends his battles by eating his enemies, dead or alive. The murder of a creature like that wouldn't weigh heavily on my conscience, even if I had one. What's that face?" She stared at the Doctor, "Are you thinking? Stop it. You're a man, it looks weird."
"I need more information." He muttered.
"For what?"
"For my diagnosis."
"He's dying. We're about to steal his head and scoop out his brains. Aren't we over-thinking?"
"I'll be the judge of that. I'm the Doctor."
"You know who you remind me of?"
"Yes, probably a chap with a big..."
"My second wife." River cut him off.
Raven turned to the Doctor, "please tell me you were going to talk about that chin of yours and not..." she trailed off, gagging not even wanting to think about how that sentence could have gone.
"Darling!" River gasped as the real King Hydroflax appeared through the hologram, monks with their swords drawn, "You're up and about!"
"False wife!" He sneered.
"How much better you're looking!"
"You plan to take my head."
"Never crossed my mind. Is this your bag?" She handed the bag Raven.
"Not mine." She handed it to the Doctor who rolled his eyes but kept hold of it.
"Perhaps you should have just asked." Hydroflax remarked, the suits hand pulling the head off and setting it on the table before them.
"Well! I wondered why we didn't share a bathroom."
"How do you not know the species you're marrying?" Raven shook her head, "surely that's the first thing you speak about when meeting someone?"
"I'll have you flogged and flayed and burnt." Hydroflax hissed, "I will crush every last remnant of you from this universe."
"How dare you!" River cried, "I'm your wife."
"You planned to murder me!"
"Don't change the subject."
"Why are you doing this? Who are you?"
"I'm Professor River Song." She smirked, "You have an ancient artefact of great value to good people, and whatever it takes, I'm going to bring it home to them. You have stolen so much from so many, King Hydroflax, and I'm the woman who's going to steal it all back."
"What are you?!"
"I'm an archaeologist. Look! I've got a trowel." She pulled out a trowel from her tool belt, zapping it at the monks swords.
"A sonic trowel?" Raven stared in disbelieve.
"Do not harm her!" The Doctor warmed, grabbed Hyfroflax's head, "If you know what's good for you, do not lay a finger on that woman."
"Ignore him." Hydroflax ordered, "Attack!"
The kings body moved to attack River but she flashed her sonic at it, keeping it in place a moment.
"Garbage disposal, right?" The Doctor moved to the chute with the head, "Get ready to say whee!"
"Put me down." The king commanded.
"Back off from River Song. Give the order now. Get yourself under control."
The head pulled a face but the Doctor lowered him further to the chute, "Do not attack the female."
River grabbed her bag as Raven pulled out a small bottle of perfume.
"Nobody move." She warned, "You don't want to find out what this'll do."
"Do you really have a trowel?" The Doctor frowned.
"It's sonic." River said.
"Sonic trowel. You realise how ridiculous that sounds?"
"Almost like sonic sunglasses." Raven looked at him.
"Their threats are empty." Hydroxflax remarked, "Destroy them!"
The body's torso lit up as it spoke, "Negative. Seventy eight percent chance of significant tissue damage."
"Do as you're told!"
"Decision overruled. Recommendation, chill."
"Look at that, your body's got a mind of its own." The Doctor commented.
"More like an onboard computer for the cybernetic component." River said.
"Plus in-built flash drive and vernacular friendly interface." Raven added.
"Cyber co-pilot."
"Mobile life support." The Doctor said.
"Sexy." River smirked.
"It's not sexy."
"Everything sexy."
"Why is everything sexy now?"
"Speaking of which." She spoke into a wrist comm, "Ramone, prep for emergency extraction. Three to go."
"Standing by for teleport." A man responded.
"Put it in the bag."
"Sorry?" The Doctor blinked.
"The head. Put it in the bag."
"Do not put me in the bag." The head shouted.
"But first." Raven sprayed the head causing its eyes to shut, "so it was the sleeping draught."
"You don't know which is which!" The Doctor exclaimed.
"Honestly I've knocked myself out with this mistaking it for my own perfume."
"Really?"
"No!" She laughed. "Blue is sleeping and pink is flesh reverse."
Surprisingly she had yet to use the pink side. Perhaps today would be that day. That Nardole seemed rather irritating.
"Ramone, 30 seconds to jump." River called into her comm. before glaring at Hydroflax's body, "Try to follow me and I'll put him in a blender. Ramone, now."
A blue light surrounded them and the Doctor, Raven, River and King Hydroxflax's head, disappeared.
~.~
Only to yell and drop into the snow having teleported a few inches in mid air.
"Ramone!" River huffed into the comm, "Just once, can you get the height right?"
"Sorry, Professor." The man apologised.
"Home in on my signal. Get a shift on. Can you locate the Damsel?"
"I'm on it. The capsule is really close."
"How long is he going to be out for?" The Doctor asked Raven as he kept hold on the bag containing Hydroflax.
"Dunno." She shrugged, "It was just one squirt. And it's only the head. Probably not long." She have the bag a light kick, "still out."
"You know I can't actually approve of any of this."
"But just imagine if Hydroflax was awake and threatening us." Raven grinned.
"Threatened by a head in a bag!" He laughed, "You know, don't you?"
River shook her head, "Know what?"
"Stop pretending. You know who I am. Who we are."
"Who are you?" She frowned, "either of you?"
"You know who I am. It's me."
"Great. Who are you?"
"Professor Song!" A dark haired man with a short bread ran over to them, "Sorry, Professor. Sorry about the height thing."
"Prove it." She smirked, pulling him into a long and passionate kiss.
"Ew." Raven grumbled, turning away at the sight. That was just so...human.
"Urgh!" If the Doctor grimaced seeing his wife kissing someone else, "Doesn't it get dull after a while? As an activity, it's not hugely varied, is it?"
"I'm so sorry." River pulled back, speaking slightly breathless, "This is my husband, Ramone."
"Another one? Are you going to kill him, too?"
"We're not actually married." Ramone corrected.
"Ah, we are, in fact. I wiped it from your memory."
"Why?"
"Well, you were being annoying. So, the Damsel. Do we have a fix? Even the bird would be useful right now?"
"The bird?" Raven repeated.
"Her vortex manipulator can be very useful."
"So you just steal her vortex manipulator for fun?" She cocked an eyebrow at her in disbelieve.
How did she not know this, all those years they had been forced as roommate in Luna University and she had no idea that River hopped out most nights with her vortex manipulator. She knew River went out at night, but how dare she steal her manipulator without asking.
"I borrowed it." She corrected.
"Did she know?" Raven demanded.
"That's not the point."
"Raven..." the Doctor murmured seeing her getting worked up. Raven hated it when people touched her stuff, she would more than likely give her permission if they just asked but if they just took it. Oh boy would she yell.
She slapped his hand away, holding up a finger to silence him, "I'm not done yet." She told him, glaring at River, "how dare you? You were the one person there I thought I could trust. I have never been more wrong in my life. What if someone finally recognised me and I needed an emergency get away but of course you had my vortex manipulator!"
River, who had been silently staring at Ravens rant, widened her eyes as she realised exactly who the small girl in the coat. In all honestly she should have realised the moment the sleeping perfume was brought out, "Oh my god." She breathed. Of course, she hadn't changed a bit. She just hadn't been expecting Raven to be here. The girl hardly ever went out, barely socialised with others. She didn't want to be too close to the stupid apes as she called them, usually she kept her head in a book.
She had not been expecting to ever see Raven again after she graduated from Luna, let alone the girl helping a surgeon out.
"It's that human side of yours." Raven remarked bitterly, "it slows you're mind down. Makes you an idiot."
"What you are you doing here?" She hissed.
"What am I doing? Maybe ask that little pet of yours he dragged us here."
"I found the capsule just over in the village," Ramone hesitated to interrupt, "but I can't locate Damsel. I've looked everywhere."
"Who's Damsel?" The Doctor asked, anything to break the silent glaring between River and Raven neither wanting to break eye contact first.
"Have you been thorough?" River asked Ramone, not taking her eyes off of Raven, "It's not easy, you know. He does have 12 faces."
Ramone pulled out a wallet, dropping it to show small cards of each face of the Doctors first regeneration cycle, including the war Doctor. "None of these men are here. Are you sure it's one of these?"
"Yes!" River insisted, "He only has these 12 faces. He'll be around here somewhere. This is the closest intersection with the Doctor's timeline. Raven? Have you seen him?" She asked her.
"Why would I have seen him?" She countered, shuffle lightly on her feet at the lie, "I avoid him remember." She'll tell her the truth later, but right now she wanted to avoid all of those questions, and it was fun to see the Doctor get annoyed that River so easily over looked him.
"Maybe that's why you came to me, because you saw him and thought, best hide."
"None of them are here." She nodded to the photos.
That wasn't even a lie, none of those faces where here, even if the Doctor was, he had a new face River didn't know about. Oh when she finds out it will be hilarious! She wanted to see how long it would take for her to realise.
River sighed, "That's why I crashed Hydroflax's ship here."
"Damsel?" The Doctor frowned.
"Codename, Damsel in Distress. Apparently, he needs a lot of rescuing."
"Sounds like him." Raven nodded.
"What if he has a face that you don't know about yet?" The Doctor asked.
"He has limits." River told him, "Well, then, let's go find him." She turned and walked off through the town with Ramone by her side leaving Raven and the Doctor to follow, the man carrying the bag with the still unconscious Hydroflax.
"What if we can't find him?" Ramone wondered, "We need to get you off-world now."
"Off world!" Raven snorted, "never heard anyone say it like that before. Sounds dumb."
"Are you new?" The Doctor looked at him.
"We can't hang around waiting." River sighed, "He could be ages."
"Yes, he's probably off rebuilding a civilisation or defeating giant robot fish."
"Or getting himself locked up." Raven countered.
River grinned as the TARDIS came into view, "We'll just have to steal it."
"Sorry, what?" The Doctor blinked, staring at her. Had she just said what he thought she had said?
"The hopper is really close." Ramone insisted, "We would be out of here in less than 10 minutes."
"I need time travel. I need this TARDIS."
"I'm sorry." The Doctor shook his head, "The word steal. Somebody said steal."
"Yes. We're going to steal this box. Hush, you wouldn't understand."
"You can't..."
"Why can't I?"
"You can't just steal a TA...A box."
"Why not?"
"Look, it says Police."
"I have a key." She smirked, pulling out her key and unlocking the doors, "Ok. This er Damsel person. He sounds, he sounds pretty dangerous. Ish."
"That's a big ish." Raven mumbled.
"It's a time machine." River told him, "I can take it, do whatever I want for as long as I like and pop it back a second later. He'll never know it was gone."
"Yes, he will." The Doctor argued.
"How?"
"He'll just know."
"Well, he's never noticed before."
"Maybe he'll notice now."
River burst out laughing at that, "I'll see you on Temple Beach." She kissed Ramone, "I've already picked out your swimwear."
"Ok," He frowned, "but be careful.
"Absolutely not. You, with me. Bring the head."
"Please, look after her for me." Ramone pleaded.
"Ah, yes." Raven rolled her eyes, "because she can't handle herself."
"Oh!" River poked her head back out, looking at the Doctor, "before you come in, you'd better prepare yourself for a shock. It's not as snug as it looks."
"Finally." The Doctor breathed.
"Oh dear god!" Raven moaned, "please don't be embarrassing!"
"It's finally my go." He winked, opening the TARDIS doors and gasping dramatically at the bigger on the inside room. "Oh. My, God!" He gasped, slowly looking into the wonder of the trans-dimensional spaceship. "Oh, it's bigger! "
"Well, yes." River rolled her eyes as Raven stalked past him, slamming the door, only to wince at the angry hum.
"Sorry!" She huffed to the box, "temperamental or what."
"In her defence you did turn her into a paradox machine," River reminded her, gently rubbing the time rotor, soothing the box.
"Good point." Raven nodded, deciding it was best that at this moment in time River didn't know what had happened since they had last spoken. Well, since they had last spoken when they had both been alive.
"On the inside!" The Doctor gasped.
"We need to concentrate." River sighed.
"Than it is..."
"I know where you're going with this, but I need you to calm down."
"On the outside!"
"Seriously where did you pick this one up?" River looked at Raven.
"Oh just some old wasteland," she waved her off, "he had a ride. And offered me food, shelter and a warm bed. How could a girl say no?"
"My entire understanding of physical space has been transformed!" The Doctor continued, "Three-dimensional Euclidean geometry has been torn up, thrown in the air and snogged to death! My grasp of the universal constants of physical reality has been changed forever. Sorry." He grinned sheepish as Raven stared at him, "I've always wanted to see that done properly."
"I need a drink." She muttered.
"Some Aldebaran brandy." River suggested opening a rounder on the wall to reveal and glass of brandy, "Help yourself, but don't tell Dad."
"Anything stronger?" She asked but poured herself a glass anyway.
River smirked at her, clinking their glasses together before frowning at a beeping noise, "What's that noise?"
The Doctor unzipped the bag hearing the beeping coming from inside the bag to see the head was still unconscious, the beeping coming from its neck, "It seems to have powered down, conserving batteries. It's an in-built life-support system. I'm not sure what powers it, but..."
"I really don't care." River cut him off, "What's that noise?"
"A signal?" Raven guessed.
"Distress call?" The Doctor offered.
"Homing beacon." River frowned.
"Possibly."
"So the rest of him is coming?"
"He must be very cross. He's lost his head."
"Then let's go!" Raven determined. River started the engines to leave only for them to judder and not move.
"You're doing it wrong." The Doctor accused.
"I am certainly not." She argued.
"Not those levers." Raven slapped his hand sets as he leaned over to help. "You probably want to press that button."
"Why?" River looked at him oddly, "That evacuates the waste tank on deck seven."
"Does it?"
"What is wrong with you?" River frowned at the time rotor.
"Better avoid deck seven then."
"Oh!" Raven pulled a face of disgust at that, "you need to read that manual!"
"It's almost like she's upset." River murmured, "she doesn't like you." She turned to Raven.
"Excuse me?" She demanded, hands on her hips, "You're blaming me."
"Paradox machine."
"You're driving. It's like something interfering with the engines."
"Which is technically not possible." River murmured.
"Maybe." The Doctor mused, "Maybe the engines are interfering with themselves. Wild theory, but what if this machine had certain safeguards. For instance, maybe it can't take off when a life form registers as being both inside and outside at the same time?"
"Head and body."
"Which would mean, and again, I'm just…I'm just wildly theorising here, that's the door would not engage properly."
"Of course. It can't seal the real-time envelope."
"Hence it can't take off. Not when someone is in and out at the same time. I mean, that just wouldn't be good manners, would it?"
"You're very quick." River eyed him.
"Yes. For a Doctor."
"Yes." She laughed.
"Seriously?" He huffed, staring at Raven in disbelieve.
"Remember she has a human brain." Raven smirked.
"Seriously what is it with you two?" He asked. Genuinely curious about the pair and their relationship. "I thought you were friends."
"How could we be friends; I'm the child of Gallifreys most infamous child, and she's the child of the TARDIS. A freak of nature."
"You're letting your mother get in your head again."
"You can't honestly tell me that if you hadn't fallen for her, or felt guilty that you caused her this life, that you wouldn't try to avoid her because she was just...wrong."
"You like her though."
"I'm glad I met her. And honestly I don't think I would have survived if I had been shoved in a room with someone else. But we're not friends, we are…allies." Raven offered, pulling the head out of the bag, "It's signalling." She flashed her sonic at it, "the body is more than likely homing in on it."
"So, how do we stop it?"
"We could chop its head off." She smirked, "Oh someone already did that."
"Does sarcasm help?" River sighed.
"Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?" The Doctor chuckled,
"So, summing up. It's coming, we can't take off, we can't seal the doors."
"Yep."
"So we just kill the head, right?"
"You can't shoot the head in the face!" He yelled, seeing her hand was twitching to her blaster on her hip.
"Why not?" She huffed.
Raven gave a scream in surprise as Hydroxflax's snapped his eyes open, causing her to drop him, face down.
"Go on, then, tell him to put his hands up." The Doctor rolled his eyes.
"Do not fire if you value your lives." Hydroxflax glared around at them as he rolled to face up.
"Why?" The Doctor asked, picking the head up and setting it on the console. "what are you going to do?"
"Kill me, and my body will burn."
"Burn what?"
"This world!" He announced.
"Suppose we believe you." River eyed him, suspicious, "How?"
"My body contains a split quantum actualiser."
"A perpetually stabilised black hole." Raven realised, "That's your power source."
River coughed, "nerd."
"Genius." She corrected.
"More than a power source." Hydroflax grinned madly, "If necessary, a bomb."
"That could wipe of this solar system." She nodded.
"Raven…" the Doctor began warningly, seeing she was getting excited about his power source that could blow up the solar system. She was obsessed with bombs.
"It wouldn't be the first."
"It would be your last." River stated.
"A fitting end for the glory of Hydroflax."
"So, why haven't you threatened this before?" The Doctor frowned.
"A king does not endanger his people for no reason."
"You're endangering them now."
"I'm cross." He narrowed his eyes.
"Your anger problems are not an excuse for the killing of innocent people!" Raven snapped at him. It was like her father, that link in his head, the constant drumming driving him insane, that was no excuse for his actions, she had believed it to be so years ago, but she had been lost and afraid, she had grown up since then. He didn't have an excuse for being unapologetically evil.
"Doctor Song, are you there?" Ramone shouted, banging on the doors, "I have a message for you."
"Ramone! Get in here!" River yelled back only to immediately regret her words as the doors burst open and the cyborg stomped inside, Ramones head attracted to it.
"You're going to die!" Ramone sobbed, the cyborg lifting River from the floor.
"Kill her." The head ordered.
"Put her down." The Doctor warmed.
"Kill her now!"
"Death initiating." The cyborg stated.
"Doors!" Raven said to the Doctor before racing to the console as started the engines up sending them to where River had set the co-ordinates, able to leave now that both head and body were inside. The rough flight of the TARRIS, causing the room to shake, the cyborg dropping River.
"Stop them!" The head cried, "Stop them!"
"Where are we going?" The Doctor shouted at Raven.
"Somewhere else."
"Thanks!" The Doctor scoffed at her bluntness.
"River; where did you set the coordinates for?" Raven demanded.
"Just get the damn head!" River rolled his eyes, grabbing the bag and tossing it to Raven as she scooped the head into the bag, zipping it up and tossing it back, "With me." And ran out of the TARDIS into a baggage hold.
"Where are we?" The Doctor frowned as River pulled him out into the posh, marble reception area, "What about the box? Stop holding my hand," he pulled it away, "people don't do that to me."
"Hush now."
"Don't hush me. I'm not a hushing person."
"Shut up then!" Raven huffed, slowing to a walk as a few guests looked at them for running in such a peaceful environment.
"We are currently cruising at warp factor 12." The computer announced, "Traversing the 4th galaxy of our 7 galaxy cruise. Next is the Andromeda galaxy. Supernova approaching now to starboard."
"Wait, is this..." Raven began but a man with blue scales and catfish-like barbels greeted them warmly.
"Ah, Doctor Song. Your table is ready."
"Flemming!" River smiled, "How are the twins?"
"Still digesting their mother, thank you for asking."
"I'm sure it was a lovely ceremony."
"Oh, there were tears. And just a hint of screaming." He laughed.
River laughed along with him a moment before asking; "Flemming, I wonder, could you deadlock seal the baggage hold for me?"
"It's a little irregular." He frowned, "The other passengers might want access."
"Do you remember that time I was transporting dragon eggs?"
"Consider it done." He nodded. "Are the gentleman and lady here for dinner?"
"Yes, they are." The Doctor answered before Raven could ssh him.
"Excellent! I'll have the chef prepare them immediately."
"How dare you!" Raven cried, "Do you know who I am? Just you wait until I tell my mother. Perhaps you know her? Missy, the Mistress, Queen of evil."
The mans eyes widened as he bowed to her, "my apologies miss."
"I think I may let you off this one time." She smiled sweetly.
"They will in fact be joining me to eat." River corrected him.
"Of course." Flemming nodded, "This way. Oh, may I take your bag?"
"Oh, no, no, no, no." She pulled it closer, "That's fine, thanks."
"Sorry." The Doctor grimaced as Hydroflax tried to speak through the bag, "It was my stomach. I have an irritable bowel."
"My revenge will be merciless! I will rip you open and devour you!"
"It's having a day." He offered.
Flemming eyed him a moment longer as Hydroflax continued to shout his threats before he turned and led them off to the main dining area, "This way."
"You're dads called the Master and you're mum is called the Mistress." River raised her eyebrows at Ravens words.
"Same person." She shrugged.
"Not dead then?"
"No, dad is not dead. Dad is now mum. Still an arsehole."
"And...?" She pressed, handing the bag to the Doctor, for the moment ignoring him.
"And nothing. That's far too much information you should know."
River had to nod that that, honestly just telling her that the Master had survive was far too much information she could know. "Do you mind if I freshen up." She pulled out a spray bottle, spraying herself as the golden energy pinned her hair up and transformed her clothes into a golden squinted dress. "Not bad for 200, eh?"
"I want one." Raven pouted as River put the bottle away.
"You've got three bottles alone in that bag," the Doctor nodded to her purse, "and you already don't know which is which, you don't need another."
"But that it brilliant! I may have it."
"Maybe when you're older." River smirked.
"When I'm older, says the 200 year old."
"I have an augmented lifespan." She explained to the Doctor, "long story."
"So, what's the occasion?" The Doctor asked as they sat at a table in the middle of the dining room, a table for 4 people with Raven between the Doctor and River, the empty chair opposite her.
"I've got the diamond." She answered, "Now it's time to sell it."
"I thought you were returning it to the Halassi?" Raven frowned.
"Tell me, when did you get boring?"
"Huh..." She pretended to ponder, "probably when I met him." She nodded to the Doctor who rolled his eyes. "am I really boring?" She groaned, crossing her arms over the table and dropping her head on them.
The Doctor patted her back, "Where did you find a buyer?"
"Look around you. The starship Harmony And Redemption, minimum ticket price one billion credits, plus the provable murder of multiple innocent life forms. Suites are reserved for planet-burners." She took a champagne flute from a passing waiter, "Thank you. Even the staff are required to have a verifiable history of indiscriminate slaughter. This is where genocide comes to kick back and relax. Do try the fish."
"Yeah, you're mother has definitely been here." The Doctor muttered, she was probably the most valued customer.
"Called it!" Raven grumbled.
They fell into silence as they waited, River pulling out her TARDIS themed diary and slowly flicking through it.
"Why are you frowning?" River asked after a moment, feeling the Doctor staring at her while Raven had her head down, seemingly sleeping. It said a lot about someone's parentage if they could sleep surrounded by murders.
"How did you know?" The Doctor shifted, having been caught staring.
"It's audible." Raven answered this time. So she was still awake.
"Deadlock seals can be broken."
"By geniuses." River rolled her eyes.
"And I'm here." Raven grinned.
They both rolled their eyes at that, "Hydroflax has a brain the size of a pea and it's currently under the table." She kicked the bag set and hidden under the table, "He's gone back to sleep, I think."
"You married him, though." The Doctor muttered.
"I told you, I married the diamond."
"How?"
"I posed as his nurse. Took me a week."
"To fall in love?" Raven grimaced, straightening up.
"It's the easiest lie you can tell a man." River said, "They'll automatically believe any story they're the hero of."
"River, there's er," the Doctor began, "there's something I should probably tell you."
"Doctor Song," a humanoid waitress approached their table, "your guest has docked. He should be with you in a very few minutes."
"Thank you. Whenever he's ready."
"Of course." She nodded and left them again.
"What's the book?" The Doctor nodded to her diary.
"Oh, it's my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on a spaceship." She smiled sadly.
"Is it sad?"
"Why would a diary be sad?"
"I don't know. It's just that you look sad."
"It's nearly full." She admitted slowly.
"So?"
"The man who gave me this was the sort of man who'd know exactly how long a diary you were going to need."
"He sounds awful." Raven spoke.
"I suppose he is. I've never really thought about it." She sighed, putting her diary back in her purse.
"Not somebody special then?" The Doctor asked.
"No. But terribly useful every now and then."
Raven looked at the Doctor at her words, seeing how much they hurt him. She knew River loved him more than she was saying, she just never admitted it to many. The woman the Doctor married, purposely. It could get one into trouble. But he really believed her words. He thought she didn't love him.
"So, who is this buyer?" Raven asked, distracting the Doctor.
"No idea," she said, "he just responded to the advert."
A shadow fell over the table and they looked up to see a large, bald man with a diagonal scar running around his face.
"Which of you is Song?" He asked, his voice hoarse.
The Doctor lowered Ravens hand as she pointed to River, "Who wants to know?"
"I am Scratch."
"Don't need your name." Rover shook her head, "Are you empowered to purchase?"
"I represent the Shoal of the Winter Harmony."
"Don't care. Don't want to know. I'll need immediate payment. Can you do that?"
"And could you either sit down or fetch us the wine list or something?" The Doctor added.
Scratch sat down at the empty chair, "You have the diamond?"
"Of course I have the diamond." River remarked, "Show me the money."
Scratch ran a finger along his scar, opening his head with a squelching sound.
"That's disturbing." Raven looked away, "people are eating."
Scratch removed a metal globe from the inside his head and place it on the napkin River held out, strands of grey gunk still attached as he closed his head backing up, "Once instructed, this will transfer the necessary funds to whatever account you choose."
"Thank you."
"The diamond."
River set the bag on the table, "You're going to have to dig for it a bit, but somehow I don't think that's going to be a problem for you."
Scratch stood back up, sneering, "Is this a deception?"
"No. The diamond is in there. This is a public place, there won't be any tricks."
"This is not a public place." The other diners turned to them, all of them with the diagonal line over their faces.
"Block booking." The Doctor realised, "That's clever."
"You needn't have bothered." River waved him off, "I've brought what you want. Please do assume that I have also taken precautions, and don't do anything that might make me cross and kill you."
"Statement accepted. The diamond is here?"
"The payment, then." River handed the globe to Scratch who opening it and tapped the illuminated buttons inside.
"100 billion credits, as we agreed." He nodded, handing it back to River who also tapped the buttons, "This accesses all the banks in the galaxy."
"Thank you. Here you go, then." She pushed the bag further in his direction, "You may need to use a spoon or knitting needle or something.
"Be it known, we do not do this for ourselves..."
"I really don't care."
"We do it in honour of our distant and loving King, who once visited our world in blood and joy."
"Well, isn't that lovely?"
"We honour thee, we prostrate ourselves in your name, Hydroflax."
"Hydroflax!" The other diners chanted.
"For love of thee, we do this thing today. Hydroflax. Hydroflax!" River slowly pulled the bag back at the chanting, "Give it. Give us the treasure! What is wrong?"
"Er, well, er. Awkward." The Doctor fumbled.
"Why do you delay?" Scratch demanded, "We have paid, we will receive."
The Doctor grabbed the bag and stood up, "Yes, you will. Of, by jingo, you will, yes, of course. But obviously, we have to, you know, er, check some..."
"Things." River offered.
"Things. There are things that have to be checked before I get it to you. If we don't check the thing, then the, the..."
"We will receive!" Scratch hissed.
"Yes, you will receive, and here it is. Now, on its way, over this small distance."
"We will receive!"
"Just take it then." Raven tossed the bag to Scratch, "keep the bag too."
"You know, it's been lovely," River smiled, "but er, we don't want to intrude on this special moment, so why don't we just leave you with the new baby?"
"You will remain." Scratch stated.
"Is that strictly necessary?"
"I do not like surprises."
"Neither do I." Raven grumbled, "But I'm got gonna argue with my mother when she doesn't want to tell me my birthday present. That's not gonna work for anyone. And someone would probably end up dead."
"It's going to be a funny old day. Oh, boy." The Doctor muttered as Scratch unzipped the bag, "You know what? I just can't stand idly by and let this continue." He snatched the bag back, standing on the chair, "Death has been done this day! Noble blood has been spilled, and our tears will surely follow. The sky shall crack, the ground shall heave, and even the rocks and the stones shall weep their rage. Behold! The head of Hydroflax!" He pulled the head out the bag, holding it up to the room as everyone hissed. "Rest now, sweet prince. Walk amongst us nevermore. Shall we start the bidding at 200 billion? I'm sorry, Professor Song, but we really couldn't keep this treasure from the truly devout."
"Oh, my apologies to the truly devout." River commented.
"And shall we find out who is the most truly devout?"
"This is heresy!" Scratch hissed.
"200 over there." River pointed to a random man at the back.
"250 million by the sweet trolley." The Doctor pointed at a woman.
"Silence!" Scratch shouted, "This is not our way."
"Well, it doesn't say much for your king if you can't put a price on his head. Let us see what the king himself has to say. Raven if you'd like to do the honours."
"With pleasure." She smirked, jabbing the kings ear with a knife, the head screaming as he woke.
"Quick!" River grabbed their hands in her own and ran to the exit only to get blocked by Flemming.
"Professor Song!" He greeted, clearly knowing he was preventing them from leaving but didn't care, "Has the food disappointed you?"
"It was more the entertainment than anything." Raven corrected as the Cyborg storming in, the diners screaming and fleeing the room as they moved out of the Cyborgs way only to get grabbed by security. "Get you dirty hands of me." Raven glared.
"At last, I am whole again." Hydroflax smiled as the cyborg stomped over, "Come to me, my body." Only to stop and scan the head, "Well? Put me back."
"Scan in progress."
"You don't need to scan me, just put me back."
"Tissue deterioration now irreversible."
"Well, what are you going to do about that?"
"Additional, the projectile inside your brain continues to move. Prognosis, death in seven minutes."
"Well, I refuse." He stated stubbornly, "King Hydroflax does not accept death."
"Orders requested."
"Whatever I need to survive, do it. Now."
"Orders accepted. You need a new head."
"No! No. Not a new head!"
"Orders implementing."
"No!" Hydroflax screamed as the body shot the head into a pile of grey dust, revealing the diamond.
"If you won't let go of me," Raven glanced at the man holding her, "would you just pass me that? No?" She huffed as he ignored her. That was just plain rude.
"As I was saying, your Majesty." Flemming turned to the cyborg, "Well, your remaining Majesty." He snatched Rivers diary from her clutch, "If it's a new head you're after, this is the guide to the very best."
"Don't touch that." River snapped, reaching to grab it back but the security guard held her firm, "Give that back to me."
"The diary of River Song." Flemming continued as though she hadn't spoken, "The ultimate guide to the Time Lord known as the Doctor."
"Don't you dare touch that!"
"Long live the King." He smirked, flipping through Rivers diary, "The Pandorica Opens. Ooh, that sounds exciting. And goodness me, a picnic at Asgard. Some people really know how to snack, don't they?"
"You should know I have a significant history of escaping."
"The Crash of the Byzantium. Didn't they make a movie of that?"
"And when I do, I'm going to kill you."
"Oh, Jim the Fish!" He laughed, "Well, we all know Jim the Fish."
"And the longer you spend reading my diary, the longer I'm going to take."
"And you've just been to Manhattan. What planet is that?"
"You stupid or something?" Raven narrowed her eyes at him, "Manhattan isn't a planet, idiot."
"So do, please, keep going." River continued.
"This is irrelevant." The cyborg stated.
"If I may intrude, your Majesty." Scratch cut in, "The Doctor is a legendary being of remarkable power and an infinite number of faces. His head, I assure you, would be your crowning achievement."
Flemming tapped on the cyborgs armour, making it turn to him again, "Besides which, many of us on this ship would be happy to see his career cut off, as it were, at the neck."
"Proceed faster, or your head will be taken!"
"I would give my head with gladness." Scratch stepped forwards.
"This woman is the known consort of the Doctor." Flemming remarked.
"Confirmation required. Uploading." Nardoles head rose out of the body, blinking at the sudden light, "Is River Song the consort of the Time Lord known as the Doctor?"
"Huh?" He blinked, ignoring the glare and head shake Raven sent him, "I think so, yeah. Here, can I stay up for a bit? It's really very whiffy down there." Nardoles Head was lowered back down, "Oh! Oh, it's awful!"
"So, where is the Doctor now?" Flemming wondered.
"I haven't the faintest idea." River shook her head.
"Is that credible?"
"It's true."
"You're the woman he loves."
"No, I'm not." The truth in her tone making the Doctor look at her.
"She's lying." Flemming insisted.
"The Doctor does not and has never loved me. I'm not lying."
"Confirmed." The cyborg scammed River to ensure if she was lying or not, "The life form is not lying."
"Impossible." Flemming breathed, "This is a trick."
"No, it isn't."
"My information is correct. You are the woman who loves the Doctor."
"Yes, I am. I've never denied it. But whoever said he loved me back? He's the Doctor. He doesn't go around falling in love with people. And if you think he's anything that small or that ordinary, then you haven't the first idea of what you're dealing with."
"River..." Raven nudged her seeing the hearts break in the Doctors face, how she really believed that he didn't love her, but River shushed her.
"Your Majesty, I assure you, she is the perfect bait. When this woman is in danger, the Doctor will always come."
"Oh, you are a moron." River rolled her eyes, "No, he won't."
"He's probably already here."
"No, he isn't. Of course he isn't!"
"Possibly on this ship."
"Well, go on, scan it then. Go on, why don't you?"
"River..." the Doctor whispered, unable to stand in silence as she said those things. She really did believe that he didn't love her.
"Two hearts, stupid clothes, you can't miss him."
"River..."
"Go on, scan the whole parsec! He's not here. God knows where he is right now, but I promise you, he's doing whatever the hell he wants and not giving a damn about me! And I'm just fine with that."
"River..."
"When you love the Doctor, it's like loving the stars themselves. You don't expect a sunset to admire you back. And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid enough, or sentimental enough, and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in it with me!"
"River!" Raven hissed.
"What?" She snapped, turning and meeting the Doctors eyes, finally seeing it was him and not some random surgeon. All day he had been trying to tell her that, but she had been waving it off like nothing, not wanting to believe he would be here with her.
"Hello, sweetie." He smiled.
"You are so doing those roots." River huffed.
"What, the roots of the sunset?"
"Don't you dare."
"It's about damn time." Raven cackled.
"I'll have to check with the stars themselves." The Doctor teased.
"Oh, shut up." River grumbled, "I was just keeping them talking till it kicks off."
"What is this conversation?" The cyborg demanded, "Explain."
"You keep out of this."
"We need to get to work."
"Ok, what have you got?"
"Four exits. Two concealed, One in the ceiling."
"And the floor." Raven added.
"No, I don't like it."
"Too close to the engine ducts?"
"A bit too tight."
"Oh, I hope you're not being personal." River glared.
"Excuse me," Flemming interrupted, "what are you talking about?"
"Hush, Mummy and Daddy are busy." A clock chimed the hour, "There we are. Two o'clock. Here we go."
"Cease this conversation." The cyborg ordered.
"Darling, in the event of a sudden meteor strike on the lower starboard decks, where would you say is the safest place to stand?"
"Meteor strikes?" Flemming shook his head.
"Exactly here, I should think." The Doctor frowned.
"Do you know what that isn't?" She smirked as the ship began to rumble, "A coincidence."
"Your escape plan." Raven realised.
"It's cheaper than a taxi."
"What meteor strike?" Scratch demanded.
"Alert. Meteor storm imminent." The computer announced.
"That meteor strike." Raven smirked.
"How could you know?" Flemming shook his head.
"I'm an archaeologist from the future." She informed him, "I dug you up." She smirked as an explosion went off elsewhere on the ship, "See you in 400 years." And the floor below gave way, sending the Doctor, Raven and River to the floor below. "I had this book. History's Finest Exploding Restaurants. The best food for free. Skip the coffee."
"What do you think, by the way?" The Doctor grinned.
"Of what?"
"My new body."
"Oh, I'll let you know. I've only seen the face."
"And that's me leaving at the first possible chance." Raven grimaced.
"Shut up Raven!" They both glared at her.
"How have you got a new one, by the way?" River wondered, "Aren't there rules?"
"A thing happened." The Doctor shrugged, trying to play modest.
"I bet it probably did."
"Starboard decks compromised." The computer called as another explosion went off, "Please abandon ship."
The second explosion caused the diamond to drop below with them, River caught it and hid it in the bodice of her dress.
"The diamond?"
"Good, aren't I?" River smirked.
"I'm not sure good's the word."
"Better not be."
"Please keep the flirting to a minimum while I'm here." Raven grumbled, "I may end up gorging my own eyes out."
"We need to get this ship stabilised." The Doctor determined, "Where's the bridge?"
"This way." River led the way up a set of nearby stairs, only for the cyborg to drop down after them.
"We also need to stop that."
"I got an idea." Raven remarked, heading black down again.
"I'll help Raven." The Doctor said, "you drive. Oh, don't stop for strangers."
"Look who's talking." River laughed as she ran towards the bridge.
He looked at Raven, "What's the plan?"
"You distract it." She answered, "I've got a very clever idea."
The Doctor rolled his eyes at that, at how similar to her mother she sounded as he spoke to the Cyborg needing it to look at him for Raven to do her thing, "What's the point? It's over."
"I will take your head." The cyborg stated.
"What for? We're on a crashing spaceship and I don't even know if I can save it. You just shot your own king in your own face. You'd get beheaded if you had one."
"Shit!" Raven cursed as she lost her footing as the ship shook. She grabbed the wall to steady herself as the money glove dropped before her. That would work even better. She caught the Doctors eye and winked.
"I will take yours. King Hydroflax will live again."
"Do you know what you need?" The Doctor continued, "Do you know what any decent headless king needs? Money." And with that he ducked out the way as Raven slammed the money glove on its neck connector causing it to fizz and spark.
She smirked, "best firewalls in the galaxy."
The Doctor grabbed Rivers diary from the rubble in the floor before pulling Raven with him to find River. "Come on!"
"But I haven't reprogrammed it!"
"Crashing ship, Raven. Priorities!"
~.~
"Where's everyone else?" The Doctor wondered as they ran into the control room finding just River in their flashing her sonic trowel at the controls.
"They ran for it." She said, "So should we."
"We need to get the navcom back online. And re-route the thrusters."
"I'm trying."
"Why bother." Raven argued, "let's get of this crashing ship."
"So, King Hydroflax?" The Doctor asked, looking at River as she still tried to get the thrusters back on.
"Oh, how many times?" She rolled her eyes, "I married the diamond."
"So you say."
"Crashing ship." Raven reminded them.
"Elizabeth 1st." River glared.
"Ramone." The Doctor countered.
"Marilyn Monroe."
"Stephen Fry."
"Cleopatra!"
"Same thing." He scoffed.
"The TARDIS is still in the baggage hold." Raven huffed.
But neither seemed to be listening as River looked down at the planet below, "Hang on a minute. I recognise that planet."
"Well, that's nice." The Doctor muttered, "Maybe they'll name the crater after us."
"That's Darillium!"
"Fuck this domestic banter." Raven grumbled, ducking under the table uncoiling two cables and fading unnoticed by the pair of them, teleporting into the TARDIS.
"Always good to know where we're going." The Doctor continued, oblivious Raven had vanished, "Could you concentrate on your work, please?"
"You know, the Singing Towers."
"Yes, I'll be sure to give them a wave as we zoom past."
"You always say you're going to take me there for dinner and then you always cancel at the last minute."
"I'd quite like to cancel this time too, if at all possible."
Another explosion went off further down the ship and the planet below drew closer, only for the TARDIS to materialise around them, the doors locked by the console.
"Crashing ship, Doctor." Raven mocked, glaring at the pair of them with her arms crossed, "priorities."
He pulled a face at that, "I was handling it."
"I was handling it!" River corrected.
"I've been doing it longer."
"I do it better."
"River, not one person on this ship, not one living thing, is worth you."
"Or you." She agreed.
"If you two kiss I'm gonna throw up." Raven gagged only for the room to shake as the ship passed through the planets atmosphere, crashing onto the planet.
~.~
Raven sighed as she leaned over the balcony looking out at the Singing Towers at the restaurant stood before them. That was what the Doctor had been doing once they had crashed landed and she had gone for a warm soothing bath after hitting the console at a bad angle and River had been knocked unconscious, he had given the diamond to volunteers looking for survivors and hinted to build a restaurant. A very fancy restaurant at that, only the best dressed and a waiting list of over a year for a table in the balcony overlooking the towers. And with time travel that had no time to wait at all.
She had managed to find the cyborg and reprogram it with Ramone and Nardoles heads.
"Do you just dress everyday to look better than everyone else?" Raven turned to see River smirking at her in a new red sequinned dress.
"But I do look better than everyone." She grinned. "I mean..." she gestured to her outfit. A lovely strapless royal blue evening gown, with a small black shawl over her shoulders.
River just raised her eyebrows.
"You can't even argue with me. What?"
"I'm just thinking about how much you've changed." River remarked softly.
"Hmm." Raven agreed turning her gaze back to the towers seeing how River had spotted Ramone. With the cyborg body now reprogrammed Ramones had complete control over it and so he was now working as a waiter at the restaurant, of course River couldn't help but make a comment.
"Down girl," the Doctor chuckled, dressed in a smart black suit and tie.
River looked him up and down, nodding her approval, "Now that, my dear, is a suit."
"Happy Christmas." He smiled, handing her a neatly wrapped box.
"Really? I don't think you've ever given me a present before." Opening the box she gasped seeing his sonic screwdriver, complete with dampeners. "Oh, it's a sonic screwdriver! How lovely!"
"When I saw the sonic trowel, I thought it was just embarrassing, but, look..." he extended the screwdriver to show all the extra settings.
"Oh, thank you." She kissed him on his cheeks.
"You look, er, amazing."
"Doctor, you have no idea whether I look amazing or not."
"Well, you've moved your hair about, haven't you?"
"Well done. It's very sweet of you to try."
"So what do you think? The Singing Towers."
River smiled as they made their way to the balcony as the sun set behind the towers, not noticing as Raven snuck off to give them privacy, "Oh. The music. Listen to it. Are you crying?"
"No." The Doctor, who had watched as Raven walked off to speak to Ramone and Nardole, stubbornly shook his head at her, "Just the wind."
"Nothing's ever just the wind."
"No? It blows through the cave system and harmonises with the crystal layer."
"Why are you sad?" She asked him.
"Why are you sad?" He countered.
"I told you, my diary's nearly full," She sighed. "I worry."
"Please don't."
"There are stories about us, you know."
"Oh, I dread to think."
"I look them up sometimes."
"You really shouldn't do that."
"Some of them suggest that the very last night we spend together is at the Singing Towers of Darillium. That wouldn't be true, would it?"
Spoilers." He offered sadly.
"Oh. Well, that would explain why you kept cancelling coming here. Do you remember that time..."
"River, stop."
"When there were two of you..."
"Don't."
"Because I want you to know that if this is the last night, I expect you to find a way round it."
"Not everything can be avoided. Not forever."
"But you're you. There's always a loophole. You wait until the last minute and then you spring it on me."
"Every night is the last night for something. Every Christmas is the last Christmas."
"But you will. You'll wait until I've given up hope. All will be lost, and you'll do that smug little smile and then you'll save the day. You always do."
"No, I don't. Not always. Times end, River, because they have to. Because there's no such thing as happy ever after. It's just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard."
"No, Doctor, you're wrong. Happy ever after doesn't mean forever. It just means time. A little time. But that's not the sort of thing you could ever understand, is it?"
"Mmm." He nodded slowly at that, "What do you think of the towers?"
"I love them."
"Then why are you ignoring them?"
"They're ignoring me." She turned her back on them, focusing her gaze on the Doctor, "But then you can't expect a monolith to love you back."
"No, you can't. They've been there for millions of years, through storms and floods and wars and time. Nobody really understands where the music comes from. It's probably something to do with the precise positions, the distance between both towers. Even the locals aren't sure. All anyone will ever tell you is that when the wind stands fair and the night is perfect, when you least expect it but always when you need it the most there is a song."
"So, assuming tonight is all we have left."
"I didn't say that."
"How long is a night on Darillium?"
He smirked at her, "24 years."
She laughed, choking back a sob at that, "I hate you."
"No, you don't."