The Doctor, Bill and Raven stood in the console room, the two Time Lords watching Bill, the Doctor always did love the faces humans made during the early days, especially when trying to decide on where to go for an adventure.
"So?" Bill frowned.
"So." The Doctor nodded.
"So?" Raven rolled her eyes.
"What do we do?" Bill asked, "Do I have to sit somewhere? Are there seat belts?"
"Well, you've done this before." the Doctor reminded her, "This isn't your first trip."
"If you take my armchair I'll kick your arse." Raven pointed a finger warningly at her.
Bill raised her hands in surrender, having noticed the armchair on the upper gallery, assuming that was it, and so the small chair by the railing around the console was available to test, "Yeah, but it's proper this time. Oh, that's a mistake."
"What is?" The Doctor shook his head.
"You can't reach the controls from the seats. What's the point in that? Or do you have stretchy arms, like Mr Fantastic?"
"Oh, I stand, like this." The Doctor stood before the console.
"You never thought of bringing the seats a bit closer?"
"No, not so far, no."
"Where's the steering wheel?"
"Well, you don't steer the TARDIS, you negotiate with it." Raven snorted, he pointed at her, "Shut up! The still point between where you want to go and where you need to be, that's where she takes you."
"How much did it cost?" Bill wondered.
"Ah. No idea. Stole it."
"Seriously?"
"Yep."
"Why?"
"Well, actually, because I felt like it."
"What if I steal it from you?"
"Been there, done that." Raven smirked at her.
"Seriously?" Bill turned to her.
"Hmm. For a whole year." The console get a low angry hum, "We're over this! I said I was sorry, you trapped me in here and tried to kill me, get over it!"
"What?" Bill laughed, looking between Raven and the console as they seemed to argue over something. Arguing with a ship, alrighty then.
"You can give it a go." The Doctor frowned.
"I don't know how it works." Bill sighed.
"Well, neither did I."
"Because you threw the manual in the supernova." Raven reminded him.
"I disagreed with it!"
"You disagreed with how to pilot properly."
Bill turned hearing a knocking at the door, "Who's that?"
"Mum." The Doctor muttered under his breath, moving to open them as Nardole entered, looking seriously unimpressed.
"Excuse me, just what is the TARDIS doing down here?"
"Well you know what the bird is like." He shrugged him off, "she doesn't always like to take the stairs all the time. And I'm not going to be the one who carries her."
"Your oath, sir. You're not supposed to go off-world unless it's an emergency."
"I'm not off-world."
"Are you going off-world?"
"I'm going back to my office."
"In the mean time you can put the kettle on so the tea is ready when we get back upstairs." Raven added.
"Hmm." Nardole eyed her, glancing at Bill, "Why's she here?"
"Because I asked her to be. Kettle now."
"Well, I'm not making any for her. She can make her own. I'm not a slave for any human, I can assure you."
"Nardole," Raven murmured, a slight threatened hidden beneath the fake sweetness in her tone, "don't make me tell Mummy."
"No, ma'am." He straighten at that, "the tea will be ready for you, of course." He turned and left, muttering under his breath as he left.
"I know you're muttering even if I can't here you!" Raven yelled after him.
"What was that about?" Bill looked between them.
"I will dock his pay, I need too." Raven grumbled.
"So, back up to your office for a cuppa, then?"
The Doctor grinned at her, "Between here and my office, before the kettle boils, is everything that ever happened or ever will. Make your choice."
"What choice?" She blinked.
"Past or future."
"Future."
"Why?"
"Why do you think? I want to see if it's happy."
"Depends how far in the future." Raven muttered.
~.~
They stepped out of the TARDIS, into the tall field of wheat. A human colony not too far in Bills future, enough for her to know nothing, a different solar system, granted only the next one over. Nothing too excited but to Bill it was the best thing ever.
"Which way is Earth?" Bill looked up at the sky, a different sky to the one she spent her whole life looking at.
"Ah, space is bent." The Doctor remarked, "Earth is any way you choose to look. Why, you thinking about leaving?"
"Thinking? I'm not thinking. My brain's overloading. Why a phone box?"
"It's a cloaking device that broke." Raven answered.
"And you said you were too lazy to change it."
"I said the effort pissed me off."
"Why do you like it like that though?"
"Who said I like it?" The Doctor countered.
"You kept it."
"Raven can't fix it."
"Why is it down to her to fix it?" Bill crossed her arms at that.
"Because he's a fucking idiot incapable of anything."
"The swear circuit is also faltering." The Doctor sighed.
"You've got a swear circuit?" Bill smirked.
"I broke it!" Raven grinned, smug.
"How?"
"I swore so much it malfunctioned."
"Oh my god!" Bill laughed. That was brilliant!
The Doctor rolled his eyes at the pair of them. He had actually tried to fix it, spent a while trying to fix, almost fixed it- he was pretty sure he had succeeded- but then it broke again a week later. She assumed Raven set herself loose on it. "This is one of the Earth's first colonies. They say the settlers have cracked the secret of human happiness."
Bill pulled out her phone, talking a pick picture of the beautiful white building before them, "One question. Little fella said you made an oath? You're not supposed to leave the planet."
"Nardole." Raven nodded.
"What?"
"His name is Nardole. Call him anything but and he will kick your arse."
"Really?" She raised her eyebrows, not able to believe that Nardoles was a secret badass. More like a well known nerd.
"Ok," the Doctor sighed, "I suppose I owe you an explanation."
"We owe you nothing."
"First things first; ignore Raven, she's mean." The girl just winked and saluted, "A long time ago, a thing happened. As a result of the thing, I made a promise. As a result of the promise, I have to stay on Earth."
"Guarding a vault." Bill recalled.
"Guarding a vault."
"Well, you're not guarding a vault right now."
"Yes, I am. I have a time machine. I can be back before we left."
"But what if you get lost, or stuck, or something?"
"I've thought about that."
"And?"
"Well, it would be a worry, so best not to dwell on it. Look at this building. Look at it. You know what I like about humanity? Its optimism. Do you know what this building is made of?" He gestures to the clean, white building before them as they headed towards it, planning to explore, "pure soaring optimism."
Bill looked up at the swarm over their heads, "What are they? Alien birds?"
"Vardies." Raven answered, "Tiny robots. Work in flocks."
"They're versatile," the Doctor added, "hard-working. Good at learning skills. The worker bees of the Third Industrial Revolution, probably just checking us out for security."
"These are robots? These are disappointing robots."
"You can't judge robots from your future." Raven rolled her eyes, "the ones in your present though, they are shite! Don't insult robots."
"Raven!" The Doctor whined.
"Honestly my language should be the least of your worries, Doctor."
"Er, you can't offend a machine." Bill countered.
"Er, you can insult those who created the machines." Raven mimicked.
"Typical wet brain chauvinism." The Doctor rolled his eyes.
"Oh." Bill frowned, suddenly her ear suddenly feel like it was on fire, just a moment and then it was gone again, "what just happened?"
"Your ear's on fire."
"Ow! Your voice just came out in my ear. I mean, I know voices go into ears but this was like..."
"We have been fitted with some kind of communication device that is using our own nervous system as hardware." The Doctor frowned at that, glancing at Raven as she fussed over her sonic in her ear, shaking her head. Seemed the sonic disrupted the airwaves for her, "We've just downloaded an upgrade for our ears."
"I'll never lose my phone again." Bill grinned, "I'll never run out of battery again."
"Welcome to paradise."
"Hang on, is there a mute button though? What if you're in the loo?"
"Who needs loos? There's probably an app for that."
"If this is paradise…" Raven murmured, glancing around seeing there was no one but them around, "where is everyone?"
"Don't tell me we've come halfway across the universe and they've all gone out." Bill joked, "We should've texted first or something."
Raven frowned, suspicious, scanning for any life signs. Strange, she had plenty of life signs, all human with two Time Lords, So where was everyone?
"What's that?" Bill squinted as a triangular door opened by itself to lead them inside the city, something rolling towards them, "That is a robot. That is not a disappointing robot."
Rolling towards them was a small white robot, an emoji face with a big grin looking up at them.
"It's not actually a robot, the vardies are the robots," Raven corrected, "this is just...the interface as it were."
"Does it speak? Will we understand it?"
"Well, depends upon what aspect of your language have survived over so many thousands of years." The Doctor remarked, watching as the robots face turned to question marks before back to a big grin again.
"Emoji." Bill cheered, "It speaks emoji! "
"Of course it does."
"Aw." Bill gushed as the robots eyes changed to two thumbs up, "It's cute." A hand emerged, holding out three blank badges. "What's that?"
"Blank badges." The Doctor muttered as they each took one. There was three, one for each of them.
"Oh, yours isn't blank." Bill spotted a frowning face on the Doctors as he looked at it, "It's got a face on the back."
"Yours too." The Doctor noticed a frown on Bills badge away.
"Interesting." Raven mused, tossing hers around, seeing that whenever she looked at it, it was blank.
"It's never on the side that you're looking at." Bill frowned.
"What's it doing now?" The Doctor held us up, "What, what face is it making?"
"Sort of puzzled. Me?"
"The same. And yours Raven. Do you know what I think? I think that this is some kind of mood indicator."
"But you're never allowed to see your own mood."
"Because knowing your mood affects your mood." Raven nodded.
"It's like a feedback loop," the Doctor explained to Bill, "interfering with the information being collected. Like a scale weighing itself."
"So who's collecting the data?" Bill wondered.
"Is the big question."
"Looks like we've got a mystery on our hands." Raven smirked.
The Doctor closed his eyes at that, growing exasperated, "you've been watching Scooby Doo again, haven't you?"
"You ask me this at least once a month, Doctor. Its the only Earth show I watch."
"So what do we do then?" Bill asked them.
"Well, if they're badges then," the Doctor shrugged, putting his on the lapel of his jacket, only for it to whiz over his shoulder into his back. "What? Where's it gone?"
"There." Raven poked it. Bill put hers on her top, only for hers always to whiz on her back. Sighing, Raven set it over her shoulder as hers also settled itself on the middle of her coat. "I hope that damn emoji looks annoyed, because I'm feeling that."
"When are you not annoyed?" The Doctor looked at her.
"When I'm pissed."
Honestly, he should have expected that to be her answer.
"So, everyone you walk past can see what you're thinking." Bill frowned, "What if you really fancy someone?
"Well, I suppose it means that you have to maintain eye contact with them."
"Oh, that's brilliant."
"Welcome to the future."
"I don't like it." Raven folded her arms.
"You hate everything."
"I wouldn't be the bitter bird if was always happy now would I?" She flashed him a bright smile, the emoji on her back changing to as they walked, still no humans or anyone else around. Just them and the robots.
"Emojis. Wearable communications. We're in the utopia of vacuous teens." The Doctor muttered, as they followed the smiling robot into an empty open space, a large window looking out at the city with s table in the middle, three trays of food appearing for them, two blue cubes on two of the plates, and a single cube on one.
"Look at this." Bill beamed, rushing to the table, excite to try food from the future, "It knew I was starving! Food from another planet. You've got to, haven't you?" She inhaled the cube, "Smells like fish."
"That's me put off." Raven grimaced as she wandered to the window, looking out at the city.
Clean and empty, never a good sign when it came to humans.
"I'm not that fond of fish," the Doctor agreed, "except socially, which can complicate a meal like this."
"Should we eat it, though?" Bill frowned, hesitating to eat, "I mean, what if they're not like us?"
"Its human cutlery, and no other species use emojis. Because every other planet is civilised. Everything here is disgustingly human, except..."
"No humans." Bill finished.
"This is a perfect colony for humans," the Doctor nodded, "so where are all the colonists?"
"If you hate humans so much," Bill glanced at Raven, "Why are you on earth so much?"
"The Doctors loves you lot." She shrugged.
"So why don't you leave?"
"I'm not allowed."
"You don't want to leave." The Doctor argued. "You said so yourself."
Bill raised her eyebrows, amused at the pair of them at their banter. Honestly it seemed nearly every conversation they had ended up with banter.
"That's some sort of flavoured algae." The Doctor nodded to the cubes on the trays, "I haven't seen any livestock yet."
"That's good, isn't it?" Bill frowned. "In the future we don't eat living things, we eat algae."
"I met an emperor made of algae once. He fancied me."
Raven snorted at that, "did you marry him?"
"No, I didn't."
"Did he ask?"
He hung his head, "yes."
"Why aren't you loving this?" Bill laughed.
"Everything is here, everything is ready, but there's no one here."
"But there's life signs." Raven added, "lots of them." She tapped her ear cuff, "unless that communication in your ears shorted its circuit and it's now malfunctioning."
"How many?" The Doctor frowned at that.
"A colony amount." She shared a look with him. So where were they? "It's probably malfunction." She waved off, taking it out and blowing on it.
The Doctor frowned, not sure if she said that because she didn't trust the sonic he had made for her or because she just didn't want to alarm Bill that something wasn't right here.
"It's like the Student Union first thing," Bill swallowed a bite of the algae, trying to work out if she liked the taste or not, "before the actual students arrive. Two portions, though." She frowned.
"That's it!" The Doctor exclaimed, "That's it! Of course! The whole place is waiting. We're just too early."
"So, they're all still in bed? Two portions. One portion." She gestured to the table, "Why though?"
"It's probably reading myself and Raven as two people. The heartbeats. If you're going to travel 20 light years, you're going to want to make sure you've got somewhere to sleep at the end of it, aren't you? So, what do you do?"
"Sorry?" Bill caught on that, "Two hearts?"
"You send a rocket load of intelligent robots up ahead of you. They build you a place to live, so that, when you arrive, it's all waiting. This is brilliant!"
"You've got two hearts?" Bill shook her head.
"Problem." Raven turned her head to her.
"No." She blinked, taking that in.
"Robots, they don't breathe." The Doctor continued, "They can fix the atmosphere for you, send data back, so you know whether to bring your waterproofs or not. Work in huge robot flocks. You just send them up ahead and you leave them to it."
"So we're just assuming this is broken then?" Raven guessed, fidgeting with her ear cuff. Was there a faint ringing in her ear? Huh, maybe it was broken. Eh, she'll look at it better later.
"Yeah. Hearts, though." Bill was still caught on that, "Why two?"
"Well, why one?" The Doctor countered.
"Does that mean you've got really high blood pressure?"
"Really high."
"Is it because of Raven?"
The Doctor laughed at that as Raven sent a death glare her way.
~.~
They walked off again, exploring, finding a greenhouse lined with coconut trees.
"So, if the people aren't here yet," Bill began, "what do we do? Put the kettle on? Or are we going to leave before they arrive? Is that what you're worried about? I can see you're worried."
The Doctor crouched down, inspecting the dirt around the trees, "Well, you never know what's round the next corner." He frowned, finding a small blue pendant on a string, a photo of a young boy inside. It was clearly human, but if humans hadn't arrived yet, how could it be here? "Ah, of course, wheat fields outside, now something else to eat when they get here. This is their crops. Look, they're going to have orchards, olive groves. This is their nursery. Look the little robots are doing pollination work."
"Oh, this plant!" Bill inhaled the smell of a pant growing on a pot, "There's one of these growing outside the Student Union. It smells amazing."
"Rosemary." Raven sniffed.
"I'm smelling home 20 light years from home. Thanks for bringing me. This is a great day out. I mean, come on, admit it. You love it."
"Did I say I didn't love it?" He muttered, "Yes, I do. It's very lovable. You asked me where all the people were, and I theorised that they hadn't got here yet. Did I sound convincing?"
"Yeah."
"And did I convince myself?" He turned to show his emoji on his back, still frowning.
"No." Raven replied, "it's still frowning."
"No, no. And I'll tell you why. Because there should be somebody here. There should be some kind of set-up team, a skeleton crew."
"What's on your mind?" Raven frowned, leaning against a tree as she eyed him. She had grown accustomed to his thinking face. The eyebrows gave it away. Most of his companions always said they could read him easily, but they never did understand him, he never told them everything. He didn't need to tell her everything and she understood perfectly, she didn't admit how well she knew him, but she could easily see where his mind was going.
"A magic haddock." He murmured.
"Obviously." Bill scoffed, as fertiliser sprinkled down onto the plants. "What is this stuff? Is it snow?"
"Fertiliser." Raven answered, letting it fall through her fingers only to them wipe it on the Doctors coat, the man rolling his eyes, "calcium based mineral fertiliser." She swallowed at that, a glance to the Doctor who nodded.
"Now, we don't have answers, so let's put together two questions." He said, "What is the source of this mineral fertiliser?" He flashed his sonic at a hopper, opening the hatch, "And where are all the people?" Only for a load of skulls to tumble out, a few turning to dust.
"Urgh!" Bill screamed.
"Here, right here, in this garden."
"Oh, my God!"
Raven swallowed as she gently picked up a skull, "They haven't been dead for long." She set it back down again, "Yeah, my sonic is faulty." It had scanned the humans to be alive, they were certainly not alive.
"Raven." The Doctor murmured, seeing her emoji change, showing a tear.
She inhaled, turning to them, hating having her emotions on show so easily, and really trying to face them to avoid them seeing that stupid badge she had idiotically taken, leaving her vulnerable. She hated showing emotions, that was always how people got the better of you. That was why she barely showed any emotions, other than annoyance and anger mostly, the past century has really been messing with her emotions. She blamed the Doctor.
"What, those are the colonists?" Bill breathed, unable to take her eyes of the skulls.
"The colonists aren't here yet." The Doctor shook his head, "This is the set-up team, the skeleton crew."
"Why did the robots feed them to the garden?"
"I don't know." He frowned, "Maybe they ran out of fertiliser. Let's not ask them."
They turned, planning on leaving only to run into one of the robots, its face tearful.
Raven cursed, startled by its sudden appearance. "Hi!" She greeted cheerily, trying to ignore its tearful emoji face, she didn't want to think of what that meant for them, "lovely garden."
"Yes!" Bill agreed.
"Moving on now because there's nothing of particular interest here." The Doctor forced a grin, "Cheerio."
"And were off!" Raven hurried off out of the greenhouse, not caring if the others were following as the robots face turned dark, its eyes turning to skulls. The death emoji.
"The self preservation is strong with this one." Bill muttered as she and the Doctor quickly caught up with her, hurrying through the colony. She had pretty much abandoned them back there. No idea what that robot was planning and just left them there. Raven really didn't seem to care about anyone but herself.
"Is it following?"
"If he's chasing us, he's moving very slowly."
"Do you know what it means when something chases you very slowly?" The Doctor asked.
"What?"
"It means there's a reason that they don't have to run."
"Because there's more of them." Raven breathed, seeing two more appear before them at an intersection, two more behind them and two down each side, surrounding them. "The city's full of them. They'll always end up catching you."
"What do we do?" Bill swallowed.
"Question." The Doctor began, "We've been here for ages. Why are they attacking us now?"
"Does it matter?"
"Only if we want to live." He leaned back checking her emoji showing a frowning face, "Smile for me!"
"Smile?"
"Use your whole face, right now, do it."
She forced a grin, "What good's smiling?"
He watched as her emoji changed to a smiley face, "Smiles aren't just smiles. Psychologically, they have a measurable effect on your mood states. Yes. These robots, they built this place, they grew those trees. Something went wrong, but they were designed to make you happy."
"How would massacring hundreds of people make me happy?" She frowned.
"How would massacring hundreds of people make me happy? Smiley face."
She fixed her grin, "Smiley face."
"The magic haddock."
"What magic haddock? What's that all about?"
"The robots want you to be happy but they got the wrong end of the stick. I think we should give them what they want. Raven, smile."
"I don't smile." She grumbled.
"It's smile or die."
"That shouldn't be as much of a touch decision as it is."
"Raven." He fixed a toothy grin, the emoji on his back turning happy, "smile for the robots. Don't even try without smiling."
"That is terrifying. Like...that is actually pretty hilarious!" She laughed, "Alright, that's a good one!"
"Move." He hissed, keeping that grin on his face as he pulled her past the robots, checking that the emoji on her back was happy, "What a lovely place you have here. Thank you so much for your hospitality."
"We will come again." Bill smiled, "Doctor, I was thinking maybe next time we might go to Wiltshire, perhaps, or Aberdeen."
"Ah, yes. Two thumbs up for Wiltshire slash Aberdeen."
"Ah fuck!" Raven rubbed her jaw once they cleared the robots and ran off hoping to not run into anymore nearby, "that's why I don't smile often. It hurts!"
"It hurts because you don't smile."
"Seriously though? What the hell kind of smile was that?"
"A smile that got us past the robots."
"It was all teeth."
"Raven." He hissed, "Shut up!"
"Doctor..." Bill began, worriedly, noticing more robots with the death emoji.
"Keep smiling. Smile, smile, smile."
~.~
They hurried outside of the city, crossing the wheat fields, noticing that they weren't followed. Probably because they weren't a problem or a threat outside. And so were free to relax their faces as they made their way back to the TARDIS.
"Right. You'll be perfectly safe in the TARDIS." The Doctor remarked, unlocking the doors and ushering them in, "She'll look after you until I get back."
"Where are you going?" Bill inquired.
"To blow things up!" Raven grinned.
"I am going to blow it up." The Doctor countered, "you're staying here with Bill!"
"But blowing things up is my things!"
"What, you're going back in?" Bill gaped, "We've only just escaped! I thought we were going home."
"Home?" The Doctor scoffed, "Why would we be going home? That place is a living deathtrap. We can't just leave it with its mouth wide open."
"And I'm good at bombs," Raven reminded him, "Are you forgetting I turned this place into a paradox machine. Even my dad couldn't do that."
"That's not a thing to brag about." The Doctor replied, frowning at her.
"I'm good at my job. We won't get a scratch on us and no one will ever know what happened."
"But they're all dead." Bill pointed out, "the humans. We saw them. It's too late."
"We have to assume that there is a colony ship on the way." The Doctor informed her, "What do you think's going to happen when all those people arrive? They're expecting the new garden of Eden. What they are not expecting is to be the fertiliser. There's broadband in there. Go! Raven can show you some movies."
"Raven cannot!" She yelled, "I'm coming with you. God knows you'll end up getting yourself blown up."
"You're staying here. That's an order."
"An order?" She repeated, eyebrows raised, "Seriously?"
"I get that someone has to do something but why is it you?" Bill shook her head at that, "Can't you phone the police? Isn't there a helpline or something?"
"And stay away from my browser history!" The Doctor called as he walked off, running back across the field.
"Maybe I'll look at it to annoy you!" Raven yelled after him.
"I hope it scars you for the rest of your life!"
She scowled, slamming the door, only to wince at the hum and groan she received. "Sorry!" She muttered.
"I stand by my words." Bill smirked, stepping out to watch him go, the way the tail of his coat moved as he ran off, "he runs like a penguin with its arse on fire." She walked back in as Raven stood by the console glaring at the screen, "So whats the deal with you and him then?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like, why are you with him? Why aren't you on your planet? Is he tutoring you too, but like, teaching you about other planets."
"In a way..." she began carefully. Honestly she didn't want to lie to Bill, what they were doing had nothing to do with her, she actually agreed with Nardole to keep Bill in the dark. It was personal business of theirs and didn't include Bill. "Urgh! What am I doing?" She laughed at herself, "I never do as he says, especially when he's all grumpy owl like that, all forceful and in charge. I'm off." She headed out, walking slower than necessary as she hung back waiting for Bill.
"So what's the relationship with you and him?" Bill chased after her, "is he like a father figure?"
"More like a bother figure."
"Really? You seem like the bothering type."
"Who are you to judge me, when you barely know me?"
"Er, you always have those judging eyes whenever you speak to me." Bill countered as they headed into the city, careful not to run into robots.
"It's just my natural face."
"You look like a stone cold bitch."
"That's the look I'm going for."
"Why does he keep you around?" Bill shook her head.
"He can't survive by himself." She answered, before finding him walking ahead of them though the city, testing out the new ear comm they had gotten.
"Hello?" The Doctor murmured in Bills ear, "Is someone there? I can hear you breathing."
Instead of answered through the comm, Bill snuck up behind him, "Why are you Scottish?"
"I'm not Scottish, I'm just cross."
"Is there a Scotland in space?"
"They're all over the place, demanding independence from every planet that they land on. Why are you here?" He honestly wasn't that surprised, he was just more surprised how far he had gotten before they caught up. He knew that Raven wouldn't stay, seemed Bill had distracted her a bit so she hadn't followed automatically.
"Because I figured out why you keep your box as a phone box." She grinned.
"I told you, it's stuck."
"Advice and Assistance Obtainable Immediately. You like that."
"No, I don't."
"See, this is the point. You don't call the helpline because you are the helpline."
Raven snorted, "he caused the trouble, needing the helpline."
"Don't sentimentalise me." The Doctor frowned at her, "I don't just fly around helping people out."
"What are you doing right now?" Bill questioned.
"I happened to be passing by, so I'm mucking in."
"You've never passed by in your life. You couldn't even leave me serving chips, so I'm not going to leave you."
"Oh that is brilliant!" Raven suddenly gasped.
"What?" Bill shook her head at that.
"The vardies, you know the 'disappointing robots' they are the walls. They are actually the colony. I mean, that's just genius! Interlocking to keep this place alive. Brilliant!"
"So what you're saying is?"
"Smile!" The Doctor grimaced, "You're in the belly of the beast."
"So what do we do?" Bill asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.
"Well, the obvious. We find a real wall. Oh, you really are smiling, aren't you?"
"Do you know why? You're an awesome tutor."
"When the Vikings invaded, they used to pull their longboats out of the water, turn them upside down and live in them as houses until they'd pillaged and looted enough to build new ones."
"So?"
"You didn't see a space ship outside, did you? When the settlers first landed, they must have lived in it and built out from it, so it's still here, somewhere inside this building. Ah." He ran his hand allow the smooth wall before finding an older and dirty portion, clearly not Vardy, "Bits of meteor damage. Flecks of rust. Rivets. Oh, I love rivets. A wall. A real, honest wall. Not made of tiny robots but made of any old iron."
"Every spacecraft needs a door." Bill grinned, pulling in the handle to no avail.
Raven rolled her eyes, stepping forwards and lightly pressing the door to get it to open, leaving Bill pouting, "not locked. That's suspicious."
"Or they were expecting to live in peace." The Doctor argued lightly as they stepped though.
"Wicked." Bill breathed, staring around at the large open space.
"We'll lock it after us, shall we?" The Doctor grinned, leaving the door partly open. "Its life support systems are starting up. It knows we're here."
"Whoever did the interior decoration in here needs to take lessons from whoever did it out there."
"This is human built." Raven commented, running a hand over a pipe only to pull a face at the dirt and wipe it on the Doctors coat. The man rolled his eyes, used to the action, "out there is Vardy built. So much for disappointing robots."
"You're getting really defensive about that. Have you got some freaky robot kink fetish thing or something."
"Don't be disgusting!" She cried, "I just like robots. I think they're neat."
"Ah!" The Doctor exclaimed, rushing to the wall ahead having noticed a map of the ship, "Good, old, universally compatible, incorruptible maps. You are here. This is the engine room. That's the target." He pointed to the engine room, the small area surrounded by blank spaces, "That's where I'm going."
"Where are Raven and I going?" Bill wondered.
"I'm going with him." Raven remarked, "I am going to be the one to create the bomb. Aren't I Doctor?"
"Yes ma'am." He muttered before turning to Bill, "You're staying here and you will be guiding us to here, using this map. I'll hear you through the thingumabob."
~.~
They headed off, already having memorized the way to the engine room, leaving Bill standing by the map, oblivious, as she called out directions to them. Of course, she had questioned why they were allowed to blow things up without getting into trouble. And of course, the ship had reacted to Bills life signal. The girl herself then realising she could easily snap a picture of the map on her phone and follow them, something they had both already known before she headed after them. Annoyed they were keeping her out of trouble.
"Oh you are beautiful!" Raven breathed, staring at the engine standing alone on the platform across the catwalk. "Fleishman Cold Fusion Engine. It's so easy it's like its asking to be blown up!"
"Always so modest, Raven." The Doctor shook his head at her. "As long as there's no trouble this should be a walk in the park."
"And you jinxed it." Raven groaned, "now keep a look out and stay out of my way."
He pulled a face. "Yes ma'am."
"I saw that face." She huffed, walking across the catwalk to the engine.
"Doctor," Bill called, "why did people come here? Did something terrible happen?"
"I can't hear you!" He responded, using that as an excuse, just know that whatever the cause was, it wasn't good.
Raven scoffed at him, rolling her eyes as she did all the work, ignore the Doctors and Bills conversation. She flashed her sonic on the pipe only for her wrist to get scalded by steam and she pulled back, cursing before shaking the pain away.
"This isn't as easy as it looks." The Doctor added, wincing at that, "you alright?" she grit her teeth in answer.
"I've got to know." Bill murmured, her voice sounds close to tears, "The people who came here, were they the last people? Were they our last hope?"
"Earth was evacuated." The Doctor answered, "But there were a number of ships. I've bumped into a few of them over the years. And that's not right." He frowned, Raven had re-routed the flow but hat only caused an alarm to go off, "Raven? What are you doing? Bad noise!"
"Hold the wheel." She ordered, grabbing a spanner and whacking it at the robots with death eyes as it slowly snuck up on them.
The Doctor whistled as he tightly held the wheel in place, watching the robots fall off the side into darkness, "impressive."
Raven jammed the spanner in the wheel to keep it in place, "Ok." She narrowed her eyes at him, "Don't ever get in my way again."
"I'm sorry did you not here that noise?"
"It was necessary."
"No it wasn't!"
"Do you two ever stop arguing?"
They turned to see Bill standing on the other side of the catwalk, a young boy nervously standing with her.
"No!" Raven snapped. "Now we have plenty of time to get back to the TARDIS. And I can get to a spa a few galaxies away so no one can accuse me." She lifted her chin up and walked past, oblivious to the young boy.
The Doctor blinked, staring at the boy in shock, "Where did you come from?" he demanded.
The boy just shook his head, "Where is everybody?"
"When you say everybody...?"
~.~
They boy lead them off through the ship, the human colony already here, just cryogenically frozen for the journey. Still asleep in pods, obviously their wandering through the ship had started the rovers to unfreeze them.
And with the humans still asleep, they couldn't blow up the city.
"Raven." The Doctor began as they hurried back to the engine, "stupid question; can you reverse it."
"If you stay out my way." She nodded, hurrying back to reverse her work, alone.
"Those pods," Bill shook her head, "what's in them?"
"I got it wrong." The Doctor said, watching Raven work, reconnecting the tubes to the correct positions and removing the spanner from the wheel, "I got it very, very wrong. The colony ship isn't on the way, it's right here. The colonists are all around us, cryogenically frozen. What's in those pods, Bill, is the surviving population of Earth. And I nearly killed all of them."
"They're waking up, aren't they?" Bill glanced up, here the tannoy welcoming them to their new world.
"We must have triggered the process when we came in."
"So what happens now?"
"Now? Now they're all going to leave this ship, and find their friends and family mulched in the garden. And if they don't smile about that, it's going to be the end of the human race."
Raven straightened and looked back at them, "done."
~.~
They headed back to the pods, finding that the humans were awaking now.
"Oh, those pods, eh?" A man stretched as he saw them, one of the first to reawaken, "Not much headroom. Oh, I thought I'd be first up. Steadfast, MedTech One. What day is this?"
"The end of the world." The Doctor replied, grim.
"Again?" The man laughed, "We've only just got here."
"Bill, Raven, with me."
"What's happening?" The man, Steadfast, called after them as they walked off again.
"What's happening is nobody leaves this ship until I tell you otherwise." He ordered, "Clear? Nobody leaves."
"Where are we going?" Bill whispered.
"No idea. But if I look purposeful, they'll think I've got a plan. If they think I've got a plan, at least they won't try to think of a plan themselves."
"But you don't have a plan."
"I don't know how to stop it happening again because I can't figure out why it happened last time. What made them do this?"
"I think I need to show you something." Bill murmured, "come on." She led them off through the ship to an area closed off, like a mausoleum, an only woman laying on a bier, dead.
"The spacecraft landed." The Doctor sighed, "Most of the colonists were kept in cryogenic suspension. A few, the ones with skills..."
"The best ones." Bill listed, "The brave ones."
"They were woke to shepherd the little flocks of Vardy robots."
"She came here. She was happy. It was all going well. Those are the shepherds, aren't they? And they're all dead."
Raven moved to the information screen at the end of the bier, searching though it, "If we rearrange this data to reflect the time of death...she died of old age, like humans do daily."
"Then a few more people died all at the same time," the Doctor continued, "and then a lot more died just after, and then, the rest. Dozens."
"A virus?" Bill guessed, "A virus that went, well, viral?"
"Grief!" He shouted, "Grief! Grief as plague."
"But how?"
"The Vardies. Well, their job was to maintain happiness. At first, that meant making sure there was enough oxygen and water. That's what the badges are meant to communicate. Satisfaction, a positive mental state. But the Vardy are smart. They learn, try to be good servants, so they expand the definition of happiness until..."
"She dies."
"And she was the first to die here." Raven nodded, "the Vardies didn't know of grief. This place is about hole and the future, no one thought about the opposite. Why would they? The Vardies didn't know what to do with it, so they identified grief as the enemy of happiness and everyone who was experiencing grief as a problem, as..."
"Compost." Bill swallowed.
"And all those dead people," the Doctor said, "well, you know, they had friends and family, too, so..."
"Even more compost."
"And so on, and so on, and so on. And what you get is a whole grief tsunami."
"And all of this took how long?" Bill shook her head, her eyes widened as Raven brought up the dates of everyone's death, "One morning? All of these people were slaughtered in a day?"
"Slaughtered for their own good, because the Vardy think different. Like the magic haddock. Not bad, not good, just, just different."
"So, what will happen when the new people meet the robots?" The Doctor pulled out the pendant he found earlier, showing the boy, "That's the boy. The first to wake up. Where did you get this?"
"I think it's his mother's, don't you?"
"Yeah, or his Nan's. Well, he'll find her, when she wakes up in her pod."
"I found it in the fruit garden, when we first arrived. I would say that a lot of the colonists had friends or family who were working here as shepherds. When they find out what happened."
"They'll be grief-stricken."
"And after that..."
"A massacre. Ok, where are we going?"
"What's the opposite of a massacre?"
"Depends who's asking." Raven shrugged. "From you, it's probably a lecture."
"It is."
~.~
They had gone back to the pods, to find more humans have awoken. The Doctor trying to explain the situation the best he could. Telling them how the Vardies didn't understand about grief and death, giving them the badges so they knew when to kill unhappy humans, believing that was best.
Of course that didn't work, and the humans went to the armoury to grab weapons to fight the Vardies, claiming they were the enemy.
"That little boy." Raven frowned, having assumed the boy had stayed while Bill showed them the old woman who died, but he wasn't here. Just gone, wandering off to likely find his family who were now dead, "he's not here."
They hurried off back out of the ship and through the colony, finding the young boy with two robots, both looking unimpressed as the boy wondered where his family was.
"Step away from the kid." Steadfast aimed his gun.
"They're not armed." Bill argued. "You don't need to do this. You just need to..."
"What's wrong?" The boy cried, seeing everyone seemed to be holding weapons, "What's going on? Where's my mum? Where's everyone? Where's everyone?"
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no!" Bill rushed to kneel before him as the robots grabbed his wrists, their frowns deepening as he sniffles, "Don't cry, don't cry!" She wiped his tears away, "Hey, hey. Look, everything's going to be okay. Look, this is your new house. Isn't it lovely?"
"I want Mummy."
"Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Everything's going to be fine if you just keep smiling."
"Get away from the kid!" Steadfast fired at one of the robots seeing theirs faces with the death emoji. It sparked and died as the other robots face flickered between emotions.
"What is that?" Raven frowned, "Rage? Revenge perhaps?"
"It's one robot." Steadfast rolled his eyes.
"It's not one robot." Bill breathed, this whole colony was build by the Vardies, the Vardies were the colony, they were everywhere, "Doctor, what do we do? Doctor, what's happening?"
A section of the roof turned knelt a swarm of Vardies, flying down to attack as the humans fired.
"Fascinating!" The Doctor breathed.
"What's fascinating?" Bill demanded.
"The Vardy are identifying as under attack, which means they identify as a species. They are self-aware. They, they're alive!"
"They're going to kill us!" Raven snapped at him, "I don't care what you do, do something and do it now!"
"Shall I make it spectacular?" He joked, moving to the dead robots and removing its face to see the working underneath.
"What are you doing?" Bill frowned.
"I really hope this doesn't hurt. Do you know why I always win at chess?"
"You never win at chess." Raven rolled her eyes.
"Because you cheat."
"Only because you cheat. Kicking over the board before I can check mate is not winning!"
"Just you watch!" He flashed his sonic at the robot.
"What did you do?" Raven breathed as the humans (minus Bill) and Vardies lost conscious for a moment, dropping their weapons as they fell to the ground.
"Something spectacular." He smirked at her.
She realised her eyebrows, bemused, "we'll see about that."
The Doctor winked at Raven as he moved around the slowly wakening humans, "Once, long ago, a fisherman caught a magic haddock. The haddock offered the fisherman three wishes in return for its life. The fisherman said, "I'd like my son to come home from the war, and a hundred pieces of gold." The problem is magic haddock, like robots, don't think like people. The fisherman's son came home from the war in a coffin and the King sent a hundred gold pieces in recognition of his heroic death. The fisherman had one wish left. What do you think he wished for?" He paused as the colonists stared at him, "Some people say he should have wished for an infinite series of wishes, but if your city proves anything, it is that granting all your wishes is not a good idea."
"It's ok." Bill kicked a gun away from Steadfast as he scrambled for it, "It's not going to hurt you. Actually, it doesn't even know who you are."
"What happened?" Steadfast groaned, "What have you done?"
"In fact, the fisherman wished that he hadn't wished the first two wishes." The Doctor continued, "You see, in a way, he pressed the reset button."
"What the hell did you do?"
"He pressed the reset button." Raven remarked.
"Every computer has one," the Doctor agreed, "and anyone can find it, especially if they happen to be a scary, handsome genius from space." Raven scoffed at him, "I re-initialised the entire command structure, retaining all programmed abilities but deleting the supplementary preference architecture."
"He turned it off and on again." Bill simplified.
"I turned it off and on again. Of course, I wiped their memories. They no longer have the faintest idea who you are and, in fact, they're wondering what you're doing in their very nice city."
"Their city?" Steadfast repeated.
"Yes, their city. It's made of them."
"It's our city. They're our robots."
"They were." Raven corrected, smug.
"Welcome to your new world." The Doctor smiled, "Meet the Vardy. They are, as of now, the indigenous life form. You'd best make friends with them because there's loads of them, and they're the only ones who know how anything works."
"They killed our people."
"Well, look, they have forgotten about that. They've forgotten about you, they've forgotten that you even made them in the first place. Now, since they have absolute power over this city, and since I'm assuming you all don't want to sleep rough tonight, I have a suggestion for you."
"Smile." The trio laughed.
"You can't be serious." Steadfast scoffed.
"I am serious. In fact, I'm willing to be a negotiator."
"Are you now?" He eyed him, wry.
"Yes. Watch." He turned to the robot, "Hello, I'm the Doctor. A few hours ago, I made the mistake of not recognising your status as an emergent new lifeform. As recompense for my mistake, please allow me to act as your negotiator with a migratory conglomerate known as the human race. They're looking for a place to stay and they've got their eye on your city. Would you like me to discuss rent?"
Raven groaned as pounds sign flashed in the robots eyes, of course, it was definitely human.
~.~
"So, is it going to work?" Bill asked as they returned to the TARDIS, leaving the humans hopefully living in peace with the Vardies.
"That's up to them." The Doctor replied.
"Did you just, well, did we just jumpstart a new civilisation?"
"It's a dirty job but someone's got to do it."
"Did you do this all the time?"
"Do what?"
"Fly around sorting things out," Bill grinned, "like some kind of intergalactic policeman."
"I don't sort things out. I'm definitely not a policeman."
"Well, you live in a police box."
"That's a pure coincidence."
"Accident." Raven coughed.
"Yeah, of course." Bill agreed.
The Doctor just looked at her as he piloted them back to the office, before the kettle boiled and tea got cold, "Back at the exact moment we left. The kettle's boiling, I've got a vault to guard, and everything is exactly as we left it."
Bill grinned, opening the doors only to falter as the snow outside, "Wasn't snowing when we left."
The Doctor joined her at the doors, frowning, "Maybe I do need a steering wheel." He muttered.
"Where are we?"
"London." Raven stared, "it's a dump."
"And this is the Thames." The Doctor added.
Raven watched as an elephant in a fancy coat and bell, walked past, "Frost fairs."
"You're not getting an elephant."
"Damn you, Doctor."