Amren planted her hands on her hips as she stared at the book, no longer glowing, no longer surrounded by darkness, just, just a regular book.
"I've never seen it before," she admitted, and narrowed her eyes at it, "It looks promising though," she raised an eyebrow at Rhys, and a phantom wind blew the book open. Gwyn let out a little gasp as power filled the air, and Azriel tugged her closer, angling to jump between her and the book. She patted his arm, and leaned into him, forcing her body to relax until his did as well. Amren had stepped closer, studying the page, and cautiously reached out to flick the page over. Nothing. No reaction,
"It was real," Azriel reminded her, and Gwyn nodded, but still shot a dirty look at the book, sensing its vile amusement,
"What is it?" She murmured, and Amren shook her head,
"No idea, but thank you for finding it," Gwyn nodded, some sort of tension in her bones releasing when Amren snapped the book closed and heaved it off the table, "I shall let you know if I find anything," she said to Feyre, who nodded, still a little pale after what Gwyn had told her about it, not from fear, not Feyre, but from guilt that she hadn't heard Gwyn's silent shouts for help, but neither had Rhys. Thankfully, no-one had commented on how Azriel had heard her, no-one had commented on the pure rage still radiating off him, the almost obsessive way he was watching everything and everyone for a threat, but when she pushed his arm away, he released her.
"You should go and rest," Feyre said, concern glimmering in her eyes, "You've been through a lot,"
"I'm fine," Gwyn insisted, "I just need food, and I believe Elain's been in the kitchen with Cerridwen this morning, we're just in time for lunch," Gwyn smiled to herself when Nesta chuckled, nudging Emerie out of the door, but before she could follow them, Azriel dropped a kiss atop her head,
"You leave me in awe of you every time something goes wrong," he murmured, "You're so strong,"
"I love you," she murmured, and led him out of the office, "Food, come on."
Azriel allowed her to pull him to the dining room, where Elain and Cerridwen were indeed setting out plates, and Nesta was staring impatiently at the doorway they came through, Rhys, Feyre and Cassian on their heels. Gwyn slid into a chair opposite her sisters, leaving space beside her for Azriel, knowing full well that his protective instincts were going crazy, and he needed to be near her on an unconscious level. She stifled a chuckle as he leaned on the table, a wing unconsciously flaring out to wrap around her, Nesta raised an eyebrow, but Gwyn subtly shook her head. Azriel needing to know she was safe didn't bother her, rather it made her feel loved, and yes, it made her feel safe, but that was just his presence, but this, it made her feel wanted like never before.
Despite her worries about the book, the war, the healers, Elain's herbs, it was a welcome reprieve to spend an hour with her family, Elain and Cerridwen's cooking being far beyond Gwyn's own capabilities. Nesta, Cauldron bless her, had taken one look at Gwyn once the food had been served and had masterfully steered conversation away from anything and everything they had to worry about. Unsurprisingly, Rhys had caught on to her plan, surprisingly, he had played along, not bothering to compete with Nesta, perhaps sensing the strain on everyone the same way she had. Although, she had to admit, the conversation alone wouldn't likely have been enough to truly distract her, had she not heard a a cry from the kitchen, and seen Elain emerge with baby Nyx in her arms,
"Go see Mama," she cooed, winking at Feyre from across the table, who reached out her arms to scoop up her son,
"Have you been cooking with Auntie Elain? Are you gonna be my little chef?" Nyx stared up at his mother with wide eyes, and sneezed, but grinned, almost to himself. There was something about babies, all children, that made Gwyn's heart absolutely melt, and perhaps it was Nyx himself, but her heart hadn't felt this light for a very long time, perhaps since before, she shook her head to dispel the image, and laughed at the sight of Nyx wriggling and flapping his little wings, smacking Feyre in the face a few times before she was able to catch him, grinning gleefully, mischief shining in his eyes.
"You've been letting him around Cass too much, Feyre," Gwyn chuckled, and Cassian gasped in outrage, at least momentarily, before shrugging as if to say 'fair enough'. This was it, this was what they were all fighting for, the time and safety to spend hours and hours like this, no war, no work to get in the way, her eyes lingered on Nyx for a moment, one day, one day she still wanted one of her own.
Gwyn was still smiling when she disappeared into the bathing room, the sounds of the bath filling Azriel's ears moments later, it had been good for her to spend time with the family, with Nesta and Emerie. Cauldron knew the three of them had had too little time together lately. Azriel unbuckled his leathers, throwing them over the back of a chair and followed Gwyn into the bathing room.
He froze in the doorway at the sight of her, her eyes closed, floating in the bath, the picture of bliss. He smiled to himself, and she opened her eyes, noticing the slight draft from the open door,
"I hadn't realized how stiff I was," she murmured, "A hot bath is just what I needed," Azriel hummed his assent as he rolled up his sleeves, pulling over Gwyn's stool to perch behind her, "What are you-" she sighed when his hands fell on her shoulders, kneading the stress and tightness away with careful, practiced strokes. Her eyes flickered closed again, and she murmured a 'thank you', then groaned when he dug his fingers in deeper, working through the deeper knots in her neck and shoulders. He worked up the sides of her neck, gently rolling her head from side to side, then up to her temples, working the tangles out her hair with his fingers, then her brush before working her shampoo through it, massaging her scalp with each brush of his fingers. She sighed contentedly and he tipped her head back to wash the shampoo out and moved back to her shoulders.
He'd never dared to dream that she would be able to be like this with anyone, let alone him, but something had changed for her, she didn't have to build up the courage to touch him, for him to touch her. This kind of casual, intimate touch, she was enjoying it, craving it, and having seen how she'd been afraid of it for so long, if he wasn't seeing it, feeling it, he almost wouldn't have believed it. But here she was, she was here, and last night, that had been something else, the trust she had placed in him. There was no way he was ever going to let her down, he couldn't, he loved her far too much for that. He had no way of knowing if it was the same for her, but for him, this was it, there would never be anyone else, not for him. He hadn't found himself staring at Mor for months now, not since Gwyn had been there. And Elain, it had never been love of this kind, attraction yes, and desire, desperation even, but not love, nor had it been for her, but Gwyn, there was everything he'd felt before, that attraction, desire, respect, but there was no much more, that need to have her close, to keep her safe, the casual touches that had become his lifeline, the love that was the reason his heart was beating.
"Tell me what you're thinking," she murmured, snapping Azriel back into the present,
"I'm thinking," he mused, "I'm thinking that I can't believe that the Cauldron saw fit to bless me with your love. I'm thinking that you're the most beautiful female I've ever seen. I'm thinking that I love you so much I don't know how I breathed before you. I'm thinking that if I only have another week with you, it would be better than a thousand years with anyone else, that you are my mirror, the one person I have never needed to hide from."
"That's a lot of thoughts," Gwyn muttered, but caught the back of his neck, "But that's not all of them, is it? And with regards to the others that you're not saying, I love you, more than I believed was possible, and you do deserve it, deserve me, I'm no fool, I know how your mind works, but I fell in love with you, all of you, and I want it all, I love it all." She tugged him down for a kiss before he'd truly had time to process her words, and he shifted around the bath to kneel beside her once she released him. "I love you, Az."
"I love you, Gwyn," tears were forming in his eyes, but he made no effort to hide them, not from her, not when the same tears were forming in her eyes,
"I'm thinking," she started, "That I don't want to ruin the mood now," she chuckled, but Azriel reached up to cup her cheek,
"Tell me," she leaned into his touch, gripping his wrist with one hand,
"I want to go to Catrin's grave, I want you to come with me, just you, I, I'm not sure I could handle it with Nesta and Emerie, I know it's nothing like that, but it sometimes feels like I'm replacing her, and, I just want to go see her myself first, but I want you with me, if you want to come?"
"Of course I'll come," he murmured, swiping his thumb across her cheek to wipe away the tear that had started to fall, "You don't even have to ask."
The wind whipped through her hair, sending strands of it flying out behind her as she stood on the lonely clifftop outside Velaris. Azriel stood beside her, an arm around her waist, the other gently squeezing her hand, the warmth radiating off him wrapping her in a cocoon. She stared wordlessly at the row of headstones atop the cliff, so many, so many had died, while she alone had survived, and for what? Because the Hybern commander had wanted to take something from her, something she could never take back, when she had already lost everything. But no, he had been wrong, she had taken it back, she had taken it back for her, and for all the others that had had their choice stolen from them before Azriel and Mor had arrived. She'd seen the fear in his eyes when they'd winnowed in, the fear that she'd always known about, but had never been sure how to allay. She could never blame him for anything, for not arriving a few moments earlier. He had saved her life, and he had personally ensured that the Hybern soldiers did not survive, and that the other priestesses received proper burials, that Catrin would never be forgotten.
Gwyn drew in a deep, shuddering breath and started forwards towards the nearest grave, squeezing Azriel's hand tightly, and paused before the stone, reading the name inscribed there before letting her eyes close. She released Azriel's hand and knelt before the stone,
"Cauldron guide you, Mother hold you," she started, barely able to speak through the lump in her throat, and a sob was the only noise that she managed when she attempted to finish the prayer. Tears blurred her vision, but something beside her moved, and she sobbed again at the sound of Azriel's voice finishing the prayer that she had been unable to speak, his presence a balm to the pain that had sliced through her at reading the name, one of her closest friends, it had never really hit her before, she'd been numb after the attack, but now, seeing her name on the headstone, it, it hurt. But she could do this, she would do this, and she opened her eyes. With a shuddering breath, she recounted her favorite memory with her fallen sister before finally saying the prayer that she had been unable to say the first time.
Azriel moved with her as Gwyn knelt before the next headstone, saying the prayer for her while she gathered her thoughts, her memories, and began to speak. Azriel didn't move a muscle as she spoke, merely giving her the space she needed, a calming presence, but if she needed him, she knew he would not hesitate, he would give her whatever she needed, space, comfort, companionship. And as she finished her prayer, she allowed herself to delve into her memories, the happy ones with each of her sisters, by blood or not, and she smiled, small barely noticeable, but Azriel's sharp intake of breath told her he'd seen it.
The final stone pulled Gwyn from her happy memories, the inscription pulling more tears from her,
Catrin Berdara. Sister, friend, priestess, twin.
How they had known that she and Catrin were twins, Gwyn didn't know, but seeing it there, she couldn't take it, the sorrow that heaved up inside her, and she reached blindly to her side, sobbing again when Azriel tucked her into his side, a wing curving around her, blocking out the world. Dead. Her sister was dead. Truly, irrevocably dead. Gwyn forced herself to take deep breaths, but allowed the tears to fall, there was no point in pretending, not with Azriel, and she wasn't fine, but she would be, and she truly believed that, one day, she would be fine. But for now, acceptance would have to do. She kept her gaze on her sister's headstone as she leaned into Azriel's embrace, taking her strength from him as she whispered,
"Hi, Cat," her voice sounding hoarse and strained even to her own ears. "I have so much to tell you." She lost track of how long they sat there, long having shifted to sit rather than kneel on the ground. Gwyn kept leaning against Azriel, and he never once let go, not when she lost the ability to speak as sadness again clouded her mind, and not when she found a rare smile at a memory.
She told Catrin everything, how Azriel had saved her, how the library had helped her, but how Nesta and Emerie had truly healed her, about the Valkyrie, and the other priestesses training. She told Catrin how they trying to help Emerie learn to use her wings as much as she could, and how she was working with Elain to try and improve the qualities of their herbs. But once she fell silent, she told her sister about Azriel, how he had saved her in the way that had never realized she needed saving, how he had brought her to life and had become to her what they had only dreamed about as children.
"He is everything," she breathed, "Everything I always swore I would find, he is kind, and caring, and, you would love his sense of humor, Cat, it's like yours, dry and sarcastic, but it was the first thing that truly made me laugh after everything. He, he's sweet, and teasing, strong when he needs to be and vulnerable with the people he loves, he's protective, but not too much, and he cares, so much that it makes my heart ache with love for him." She paused for a moment, "And he's beautiful, not like those males we saw when we snuck out, not handsome, he's absolutely gorgeous on top of everything else. I'm going to tell you a secret," she added, "Sometimes, when I look at him, I think I'm dreaming again, because I can't believe that I found him and made myself his, and he wanted to also become mine. It's like a dream, a fantasy that everyone searches for, but few ever find. I found it, Cat, and I just wish you were here to see it, he would have been your brother." Tears filled her eyes again as she finished, leaning back into Azriel. She should say the prayer now, but when she opened her mouth to try, no sound came out.
She tried again, nothing. Azriel squeezed her hand and began to speak, but not the prayer, not yet. Tears again filled Gwyn's eyes as Azriel elaborated on her words about training, about how proud he was of her, how in awe of her he was, and how much he loved her. He told Catrin how he wished he had known her, but that she would always have a place with them. Gwyn smiled at his words, and found her voice, finally giving her sister the farewell she had never been able to do until now.