Chapter Fifteen: Speed dating for house elves

"GO!" Hermione bellowed. As she bellowed this, Ron and Lavender Brown walked in, greeting Hermione and apologizing for being late. She had some choice words, but the ceremony had already begun.

The house elves began to chatter among themselves. Dobby walked around, helping with anyone who had any questions.

"How many seats do I move?" "How do I fall in love again?" "What do I say to this person?" "Which side do I sit on?" Dobby answered all of these questions with ease. All of the house elves were nervous, Dobby could tell. During the first round, one house elf caught fire, but that was extinguished by a simple spell of Hermione's. In the second round, there was a house elf whose ear got caught in a woman's dress. It was embarrassing, but apparently not for either of those house elves, because they were seen later exchanging numbers.

Dobby was running around the Great Hall, answering any question that was posed to him. He was tempted to ask Hermione if she would magic some roller skates on him, but she was just too busy. She was preparing the food, and since there were no house elves to make it, she had Ron and her new best friend Lavender Brown helping her. Dobby didn't think that Hermione had noticed, but Lavender had been making eyes at Ron.

And so the house elf mating ritual was completed. Many lady elves left with a lot of numbers, and many male elves left with an under-the-table hand job. All was well.

Dobby, Lavender, Ron and Hermione began cleaning up. They took down the streamers.

"What's this?" Lavender said, pulling out something from under one of the tables. It was long and relatively thin.

Dobby's mouth fell open.

"It's kind of slimy," Ron commented. If anything, that man knew his slime.

Dobby jumped up and knocked it from Ron's hand. Everyone gasped. This show of aggression was unlike Dobby. He was mostly quiet and polite, not forceful.. But in this instance, his aggression came out.

"Sir, do not touch that!"

"Whoa, okay Dobby," Ron said. in a tone that made Dobby feel a little made fun of. But he remembered what his friend Winky said - feelings aren't facts - and decided that Ron was just bad at communicating.

"That's a house elf dildo," Dobby said in a hushed voice.

"A what?" Ron asked.

"Oh Ron, surely you know what a dildo is," Hermione said haughtily.

Just then, Dumbledore strode into the Great Hall. Hermione's eyes were as wide as Tyler Perry's Madea's butt. She quickly swelled on her feet and crouched down to dobby.

"Dobby!" She summoned the dildo and a small hand towel, which she used to hold it. "Dobby, take this and go to the seventh floor. Down the north hallway, you'll see a statue of a man wrestling a great big lobster. He is losing to the lobster, but here's the thing - the lobster is hollow. So just...throw the sex toy in the lobster's claw. It will stay hidden there. That's where I go to hide all my loose baby teeth. You hear me, Dobby? Now GO!"

Just as Hermione bellowed that out, she turned and saw that Dumbledore was standing in front of her.

"How did it go, Miss Granger?" Dumbledore asked politely.

"Oh you know." Hermione said, while brushing herself off and making sure she didn't have any house elf cum on her.

"No, I do not, please tell me," Dumbledore said after a moment. He understood that Hermione was not going to tell him any more unless prompted.

"Oh...it was good. I think. I mean we'll know in a few months. It just depends. That's how science is, though, I guess," she stammered.

"Hermione, I don't know why I have to say this to you - the brightest witch of your year - but there is no such thing as science," Dumbledore said with a small, quiet, almost sad smile.

"Right, right. Sorry, sir."

Behind her, Lavender and Ron were giggling. Dobby was out of the Great Hall and racing toward the stairs. Every portrait that saw him had a few words. They all laughed at their own silly joke. But he was doing something important: he was handling biohazardous material. He knew how potent the ejaculate of the house elf could be. His legs were tiny, so it took him about 10 minutes to get up to the seventh floor.

Then, as he was running through the seventh floor corridor, he saw her. Elizabeth Olsen. And what was he doing?! Running down a children's school with a fake dick in his hand. He felt his cheeks flush. But then he saw a door open up, right across from the statue of Barney the Businessman. He ducked inside, but it was too late. Elizabeth Olsen had caught a glimpse of him.

Dobby threw open the door. There was a ton of shit inside. He didn't know what half the stuff was. He immediately threw the house elf dildo as far as he could (which was not that far). It stuck to the bottom of a taxidermied elephant. He quickly realized that there was a tugging on the door. Elizabeth Olsen must have seen him and was trying to get in. He ran through the room, trying to find a hiding space before Elizabeth came in.

She threw open the door just in time, and caught the end of Dobby's ear sticking out from behind a painting of Margaret Thatcher and Franklin Roosevelt fucking. She ran after him. He realized it quickly when she tripped over some books. She didn't stumble on anything and wasn't hurt at all.

Dobby kept running and saw something that was bright red. He hid behind it as Elizabeth Olsen was picking herself up. It was made of cloth. Dobby peeked his head out and realized that it was a dragon puppet, like the kind from the animated Mulan movie. Elizabeth ran straight into Dobby.

"WHO DARE-" Dobby coughed a few times, "WHO DARE," Dobby coughed again, "WHO DARE BOTHER THE SMALLEST DRAGON IN ALL EXISTENCE?!" Then Dobby made some fire come out of the dragon. "WHO DARE DISTURB MY REST?"

"My name is Elizabeth Olsen," replied Elizabeth Olsen.

"I WILL DESTROY YOU," Dobby yelled.

"Have you seen a house elf? He's my boyfriend," Elizabeth asked the dragon puppet.

"Your what?" Dobby asked.

Elizabeth Olsen had no hesitation and her eyes were clear.

"My boyfriend," she said.

Dobby's mouth fell open. He moved the puppet to make its mouth fall open as well. The teeth of the dragon showed, and it became obvious that it was Dobby inside the puppet. When the tears cleared from his eyes, he saw Elizabeth Olsen staring at him with a smirk on her face.

"You think that was fooling me?"

"...Yes,'' Dobby said. He did think that she had been fooled. But he didn't care now. Now he was just happy that he was her boyfriend. He was glad that he would never have to go to another house elf dating event.

"ARUGHARRRH!"

A loud yelping noise came from the front of the room.

"Goyle, goyle, please!"

It was Millicent Bulstrode. She was fiercely making out with Goyle. Crabbe was standing a few feet from them, watching in awe. He didn't have anything to do, so he conjured up some popped corn. Goyle stuck his tongue in Millicent Bulstrode's mouth. She made a harsh moaning nose. Crabb's mouth was agape.

"Oh my god," Elizabeth Olsen said. She squatted down, trying to avoid being seen. "At least you have a disguise… shit, I have nothing!"

Dobby put the dragon puppet costume on her. Her eyes were wide. He put his finger in front of his mouth and looked around him.

"Dobby!" She jabbed him in the side. "Dobby, here," she whispered. She handed him a crown. He put it on his head. There was a large R on the crown, and it was very heavy. But it made him look like royalty, or like a headmaster of a school. Whichever, really.

Goyle and Millicent Bulstrode had very loud, very beautiful sex while Dobby and Elizabeth Olsen tried their hardest not to giggle - which was very hard, because Elizabeth Olsen was making silly faces during some of Millicent's more colorful moans. Crabbe was out of popped corn and had started eating some baklava.

"Damn Millicent, that was some good sex we just had," Goyle said weakly. If this was an episode of Sex and the City, it would have been obvious to everyone that he didn't mean it, but instead it was wizard high school, so everyone did think he meant it.

"Yes, I think so as well Goyle," Millicent Bulstrode said. She seemed absolutely in love. Elizabeth Olsen saw this face and made a small vomiting gesture to Dobby, who smiled widely and nodded in agreement.

"Let us leave this room," Goyle said. Both Dobby and Elizabeth Olsen looked relieved.

And with that intimate exchange, they left. Dobby and Elizabeth Olsen burst out laughing.

"Wow, I personally learned a lot about human sexuality right there," giggled Elizabeth.

"I learned a lot about eating popcorn," Dobby said. He went to throw the crown back into the chaos of the room, but Elizabeth put a hand on his wrist.

"Don't, it makes you look cool," Elizabeth Olsen said. She had a wild smile on her face.

Dobby blushed and wore the crown all the way back home.