Chapter Seventeen: Six Flags over the Dark Arts
Voldemort was sitting in his underground mansion below the Disney World London theme park. He was having a fun time playing with his dark magic books and thinking about ways that he could be mean to Muggles. He often had a difficult time reading his dark magic books because there was a lack of lighting in the cave.
"Nagini, Nagini!" The snake lazily slithered over. "Nagini, I need you to hold this lamp for an hour."
"I'm sorry, sir, but Kreacher and I have plans to visit Six Flags today," hissed the snake.
"Oh," Voldemort said. He wouldn't make eye contact with Nagini. Usually he was a big fan of eye contact. Voldemort picked up the lamp and held it over the book. He tried to start reading, but he had a hard time focusing.
"Do… do you want to come with us?" Nagini the Korean snake lady asked.
"I mean, I don't want to be a third wheel..."
"Well, we were thinking of seeing if Peter wanted to come as well."
"Oh. Okay then," Voldemort agreed.
Twenty minutes later, Nagini was driving her Volkswagen Golf to the six flags. Voldemort was in the passenger seat because he had called shotgun first. He was bad at phones, though, so Peter told Nagini where to go.
"Oh golly, I am so excited!" Peter Pettigrew said. Nagini didn't know how many rides he would be able to go on without a hand, but figured that he would at least be able to go into the wave pool.
"Master, am I allowed to be excited?" Kreacher asked Voldemort.
"Let's wait and see the rides before we make any decisions,'' Voldmort answered.
Kreacher was carrying everyone's stuff in a backpack. It held sunscreen, bathing suits, and everyone's wands. He had to drag the backpack on the ground because of how much stuff was inside. When they got to the ticket lady, Voldemort put her under the Imperius curse. That was how he got their tickets (and a blow job).
Once inside the park, they opened the map.
"What should we go on first?" asked _.
"Watch the divers!"
"The batman ride!"
"The Star Scream!"
"Sky Scream," Voldmort said with levity.
"Okay," everyone agreed. None of them would look Voldemort in the eyes. It was the scariest ride at the Six Flags. All it did was go up, and then it came down at a fast speed. It was rumored that three people a day had their legs cut off by it, but that the theme park covered the growing limbless population with intensive non-disclosure agreements and by giving them jobs in the theme park underground. At least, that is what Nagini-the-Korean-Snake-Lady had heard from a cool high school senior whose zip problem was no larger than the current American public housing crisis. Nagini had a lot of questions for this senior, because three a day seemed a little high, but she did skip her course in population demographics, so what did she know? Mostly she didn't say anything, because she did not have legs.
They went to the line of the ride, which was very surprisingly empty.
"What the fuck?" The college student with a Harvard shirt on did a double take when he saw them in line. "Are you folks sure that you want to go on this ride?"
Nagini noticed a sign behind him that said "[2] DAYS SINCE LAST ACCIDENT."
"Yes," Voldemort said.
"I can give you fast passes to the people mover," the student said in a rush. Voldemort turned his face to the boy. He snatched the tickets from his hand.
"We will be going on this ride now." If Voldemort had eyebrows, he would have been looking down at the boy.
"Right, sure, of course," the boy said. Voldemort peered down at him as if from the top of the Empire State Building, like Jay-Z and Alicia Keys in 2009. The boy's jaw dropped, and he went to the machine's controls.
"Insolent fool," Voldemort said as he strapped himself into the ride. The ride whooshed upward, and Voldemort's remaining belittling of the teenager was lost to the wind. "Holy shit!" he screamed.
"Yeah, haha, holy shit," Nagini said.
And then they hung in the air. Nagini looked out across the theme park. It was beautiful. The sun was just beginning to rise. People were waking up. A man was feeding his dog. Craig Disney himself was strolling through the park, greeting his employees. Teenage employees were setting up their basketball games, rigging them so hardworking amusement park goers would never be able to win the oversized mascot plushies. Nagini looked past the amusement park, at the world outside the park - at the world she realized that she hadn't been a part of. She glanced over at Voldemort, who was still laughing and belittling this hardworking college kid. Not everyone can get into Harvard.
Just then, the ride began plummeting. Nagini was thrust out of her contemplation of her life. She felt a sudden jolt of pain, but kept her head down, figuring it was just the seatbelt against her scales. She was often uncomfortable using the seatbelt in Voldemort's car. It was a Volkswagen, which was the car of Hitler. (A/N: That is true. Volkswagen's origins were intermingled with Hitler. They don't want you to know that, but when you think Volkswagen, you think two things: how they used electronic sensors to bypass emissions standards, and that Hitler was a major factor in the earliest iterations of their company.)
The ride was over after about 30 seconds of being hurled up and then back down. Nagini was light headed. She couldn't tell what was going on, and she felt like she had lost some weight. She had liked seeing the city at the top of the ride, but after that, the ride was awful.
"Oh my fucking god, are you kidding me?" Voldemort had done that black smoke thing and was totally being a Karento the college boy. Nagini the Korean snake lady looked down. Her body was cut in half. She had lost her tail and was bleeding out. Puddles of blood had formed below the ride. There was a crowd of people, all of whom were pointing to the snake lady. None were laughing, but some had vomited.
"Nagini! Oh my god, Nagini," Peter Pettigrew said. The three body to the ground and began to weep without hesitation.
"Nagini, this is gross," Kreacher said. He could not look at Peter Pettigrew. He tried really hard to keep a neutral face, but in the end, he looked absolutely disgusted.
"Please...tell Voldemort...fuck you," gasped Nagini.
Peter Pettigrew's eyes grew wide. He shook his head back and forth and mouthed the word "No."
Kreacher had not been listening. A man with a clipboard had tried to get Voldemort's attention, saying something about signing a nondisclosure, and that they would pay enough to make a lawsuit unnecessary. He was going around to everyone in the crowd and giving out huge wads of cash after making people sign the agreement. One of the women who had been running the ride quickly got out a pistol and shot herself in the head, unable to deal with the pain of causing another person slash snake lady's death.
Nagini died as she lived - on amusement park grounds. Later that week, Voldemort spoke at her funeral. His eulogy went something like this:
"She was a snake...but fuck, I mean that as a cool thing, not that like, she was a snake in the way that people say Hilary Clinton is a snake. Nagini, you were in fact the least like Hilary Clinton out of all the snake ladies I have met in my hopefully eternal life. Well shit, I mean, Hilary is very ambitious and that is a good thing, so...god, you are the most like Hilary Clinton out of all the snake ladies I have ever had in my life!"
At this, Kreacher shed a tear. It was a very small tear, so small that if you were the best scientist in the world, you wouldn't have the tools capable of measuring it. But still, he shed a tear.
Later, after the funeral, Voldemort would kill the high school boy from the amusement park. He then made plans to kill every one of his friends. He searched the dead Muggle's clothing and found a picture of an ugly house elf. This took him all a day, and was his entire grieving process for his pet snake. Kreacher said that he should consider eating some ice cream and wallowing, which was an idea he got from an episode of Gilmore Girls. Voldemort said that he didn't wallow. Kreacher went back to his room to watch more Gilmore Girls on his own. Kreacher was a big Jess fan, but had a soft spot for Dean. He also loved the character of Paris and thought she was hilarious. That was the only reason he kept watching How to Get Away With Murder, was for that actress. She had big tits.