Chapter 20: The car has been pimped

Dobby walked to work that day. Vernon's car wasn't in the driveway. Lily Allen had promised them that the car would be back to them by the end of the year. It was March. Vernon and Dobby had hopes that it would be by the next weekend. But they decided it was best to not think about it too much until they got the car back.

Before Dobby went to work, he received a letter from Hermione.

Dear Harry,

It's me, Hermione. I wish you would write some more. Dobby was absolutely great at house elf dating. I was not aware of how much of a pimp he was, but alas, he is quite the pimp indeed. I do hope I'm using this pimp word correctly. Ron taught it to me. Ron says that he is a pimp, but I don't know if I believe him. I think he might be more of a hoe. Do you know these words? Anyway, how is the Fish Fry treating you? I wish you would tell us the address so we could try some of the fish.

And then Lily Allen drove up to Vernon and Dobby. "Hey bitches!" she yelled. She had her radio on very loud, so even though she was yelling, it was difficult to hear her. Dobby was glad that she was not blasting her own music in the neighborhood. Dobby knew how important rap music was to the neighborhood and how disrespected they would feel having LIly Allen blasting in the street.

"Hello, rap artist," Vernon said respectfully. He extended his hand for Lily Allen to shake it, but she ignored it and beckoned to her camera person.

"You people ready to see your car!?"

"Yes," Vernon said. Every day he took the bus, he thought about how he was ready. When he went to sleep, he was thinking about how he was ready. When he fucked his wife, he was thinking about how he was ready. When he went down to the animal shelter and walked their lizards, he was thinking about how he was ready. When he got a promotion and the boss man had gotten him a cake that said, "Vernon, you are the number one asset to this company!" he was thinking about how he was ready. When he took a shower, slipped, fell, and broke three of his ribs, and the doctor told him that if he wanted to have good luck he was supposed to break a leg, not a set of ribs, he was thinking about how he was ready. When Elon Musk called him and begged him to take the position as vice president of the Boring Company, told him that he would even throw in left ear insurance, he was thinking about how he was ready.

"Alright! We've pimped your car! Are you ready?!"

"Yes, I said that already."

"Okay!" And Lily Allen ushered Vernon and Dobby into their garage, which smelled terrible, like a mix of rotting fish and motor oil. The garage was dark, but Vernon and Dobby saw clearly that their car was under a huge tarp. Lily Allen got the camera people ready, and said to Dobby and Vernon, "You folks ready to see your pimped car?!"

"Yes, we said that already."

And Lily Allen ripped the trap off the pimped car. Suddenly, the garage smelled like lilacs and pussy juices. Before Dobby and Vernon sat a 2018 Toyota Prius. It was the exact same car that Petunia had, the same color and everything. Vernon was flabbergasted. He began crying.

"Fuck," Lily Allen said, just like she did in all of her music, because she is a rapper and she tries to be cool like the other rappers and curse a lot.

"No, no! This is great, this all I've ever wanted from a pimped vehicle," Vernon said, trying to reassure Lily Allen.

"No, this is not the vehicle we pimped! Xzibit?" Lily got no reaction, "Xzibit!" Xzibit sauntered out from the kitchen, smoking a joint and smelling like it was at least his fifth joint. Vernon looked like he would have gotten mad if it weren't for how totally chill Xzibit was.

"Hey, what's up?" Xzibit asked.

Lily Allen stared at him. "Where is the pimped car?"

"That's not it?" Xibihit asked.

"No, that is not it."

"Oh, well I guess I left it back at the station," he shrugged.

"Ugh, fine. Are you guys cool with coming back to DisneyWorld London with us to get your pimped car?

"I suppose," Vernon sighed. He would have done anything to avoid another bus ride. Vernon and Dobby got in Lily Allen's car. They had to sit in the back, which was difficult because of the lack of space in Lily Allen's sports car. It was bright pink, and Vernon felt very self conscious being seen in it. At a stop light, he saw a man in a reasonable Ford Focus looking over at the pink sports car. Vernon sunk down in the car, but because it was so small, it did nothing. The man in the Ford Focus gave Vernon a furrowed brow, which was reasonable person for "da fuck?"

Vernon felt like crying, but he was a man, so he just didn't. Dobby patted him on the shoulder and told him that they would have a new pimped car soon.

Lily Allen turned into the parking lot of DisneyWorld London. There was a car with a tarp on it, and they drove up to it. They all got out. It smelled like funnel cake and Mickey Mouse's cologne.

"Alright, let's get this over with,"Lily Allen sighed.

"Okay, camera people!" she yelled, and then camera people started doing their job. "VERNON DURSLEY, are you ready to see your pimped car?!"

"Sure," Vernon wiped a tear from his cheek and tried to hold his head up with pride.

They unveiled the car. It was a bright green Land Rover. Vernon had given them a practical car, a sedan. Vernon was once again crying. This time, they were real tears - tears of pain. He was on the ground, pounding his fists into the asphalt.

"Wow," Lily Allen said.

"Why, God? What have I done?! Was it that I never went to church?! Did I not do right by the drills? Why are you punishing me! I gave the poor homeless midget a home! I gave the orphan boy a home! WHY, GOD?!"

"This is the best reaction we have ever gotten," Lily Allen said. She motioned to the cameras to get closer to Vernon. And they did, getting close enough that he pushed away the cameraperson several times.

"Well, let's look at what's inside," Lily Allen said, with a huge grin on her face. She opened the door, revealing the white leather seats with pink accents.

"It's a convertible," Dobby said, while poking a few of the buttons and noticing the hood going down.

"WHY, GOD?!" Vernon continued yelling out to the sky, while on his knees weeping.

"Is this a full sized refrigerator?" Dobby asked.

"Yes! We wanted to make use of the size of the Land Rover," Xzibit answered Dobby, showing off the bright purple refrigerator in the passenger seat. "We also put in an old timey radio because we saw how old Vernon was. Yeah, here we got the aquarium, we decided to make that standard in all the pimped cars this season. And here we put in the dental chair for the back seat. I know you guys care about your teeth, so now you can get your cleaning on the go!"

Dobby considered this. "Well, that will be nice, especially when me and Tilda Swington hang out."

"You guys know Tilda Swinton and you didn't invite her to be on this with you?"

"Yeah."

"Fucking hell, man!"

"She's just my dentist," Dobby said nonchalantly.

Lily Allen kicked the car.

"I think we got the footage. We will never see each other again," Lily Allen said to Dobby and Vernon, and then spat at the ground and left on a helicopter.

"Are you ready to go home?" Dobby asked.

"Yeah. Will you drive, though?" Vernon asked Dobby in return. Dobby stared at him. He did not have his driver's license, or any muggle government identification for that matter.

"Sure, Dobby can do this for you." Dobby hopped in the Land Rover and tried to get his foot to touch the gas pedal. He was much too short, so he did a spell to give himself longer limbs. This made him look a little bit like James Acaster - lanky and British - but he was fine with it, since it meant that he could help his good friend Vernon out. Dobby sped out of the Disneyland London parking lot and immediately hit a man.