Post 22x16 because I am spiraling in the best way and will be for a long time.
"Good work in there, Carisi," Captain Benson said to ADA Dominick Carisi as they were leaving the conference room at the DA's office and heading towards the elevators.
"Yeah, well, we still have a long way to go, but this was a start."
Olivia offered him a smile. "You need to learn how to take a compliment. You're a good lawyer."
He shrugged. "Sorry, Cap. I just have a lot on my mind I guess."
Liv nodded. "Well, do you want to share a cab with me back to Fin's not- wedding?" She suggested. "Or do you still have to stay and tie up loose ends here?"
He contemplated the offer for a moment – all he really wanted to do was to go home and ignore everything and everyone, but he decided he should go back even though there was no wedding. Fin and Phoebe spent a lot of money on the night, and the least he could do was go back, try to enjoy himself and thank them for a nice evening. "I can share a cab with you," he finally responded.
"Good," his former captain replied simply.
They rode the elevator down to the ground floor in silence and stepped out into the cool late spring night to hail a cab. The sun was starting to set and there was a beautiful cotton candy sky above them. For a moment, Carisi had a memory of taking pictures of Rollins and Jessie on the carousel with Noah and Liv. He remembered calling it the magic hour and Rollins had responded saying she called it the witching hour.
In light of current events, he was beginning to agree that witching hour was a more appropriate description.
"Well, I guess the one nice thing about Fin and Phoebe not getting married today is that there was no ceremony, and we were able to get our work done first. Now, we can go back and enjoy this beautiful evening." Olivia said. "There's a glass of cabernet sauvignon calling me at the bar," she chuckled lightly. "I can hear it from here," she teased.
"Yeah," Carisi agreed nonchalantly as the cab pulled up to the curb. He opened the door and ushered Olivia in before he gave the driver the address of their destination.
Olivia sighed softly. The usually chatty ADA was anything but today, and had a faraway expression on his face. She didn't want to pry, but she knew there was something that was bothering him. "So, since it's not a wedding anymore, is Nicole going to meet you there?" She finally asked.
He turned his head to look at her. "Uh, no. She won't be."
"You know, Carisi, regardless of how she felt about weddings, she should have been there for your sake. You were supposed to be the officiant. That's a big deal."
"Yeah, well, she had no problem reminding me of how many times I cancelled on her last minute because Amanda or the girls needed me for something..." he trailed off.
Olivia, unsure of what to say regarding her detective and the man beside her, waited patiently for him to continue. She knew how Carisi felt about Rollins, and she suspected she knew how Rollins felt about Carisi, but she definitely wasn't getting involved in it beyond that.
Carisi cleared his throat before he spoke again. "Anyways, we, Nicole and I, uh, well, we called it quits actually...when I was on my way here after Fin and Phoebe said there was not going to be a wedding. It was just something about how Fin and Phoebe didn't want to mess up a good thing. It works for them...and I'm sure that would have worked for Nicole, but it won't work for me. I want a family. I want that "stupid" piece of paper," he said, making air quotes with his fingers. "...standing up there in a church promising forever...you know? Marriage...it's not a legal transaction to me. It's so much more than that."
"Oh, Carisi. I'm sorry," she offered sympathetically, patting his arm, even though she was internally grateful that relationship was over. While they may have had a lot in common on the surface, Olivia knew that Nicole and Carisi were two fundamentally different people, and she was surprised they lasted as long as they did.
"I'm not," he replied truthfully and Olivia blinked in surprise at his bluntness.
"Oh?"
"I think it was over for a while now...ever since Sara's case, honestly. This wedding stuff was just the final push...and kids was a non-negotiable for me, too. I really want to be a dad someday, Liv. How it happens doesn't matter to me, I know I don't have to explain it you." He paused, noticing how she smiled at the thought of Noah. "I don't have to have biological children to be a dad..."
"No you don't, and no matter how it happens, you're going to be an amazing dad, Carisi."
The part she left unsaid, was that in a way he already was. She knew how much he wanted to be a dad to the two little girls with blonde hair and their mother's smile just as much as he wanted to be a husband to their mother.
And that was another reason why Olivia knew Carisi and Nicole never actually stood a chance.
Rollins had an epiphany when she listened to Carisi talk about partners. Well, maybe that wasn't exactly what happened. She knew how she felt about him for a long while now, but when she listened to him nervously begin to read the speech he prepared, everything just became crystal clear.
If you treat a relationship – and a marriage - like a partnership, there was a very good chance that she wouldn't end up like her parents. Marriage – as long as it was with him – was no longer a scary thought. She wanted a marriage – and everything that went along with it.
She could close her eyes and picture it all. She could see weekly spaghetti nights and Sunday dinners in Staten Island. She saw them decorating the Christmas tree as a family, and later sneaking around to put presents underneath it before dawn. She could see them dancing in the middle of the kitchen in between doing the dishes and packing lunches for the girls. She saw countless nights of watching reality TV while cuddled on the couch. And, for the first time in a very long time, that didn't scare her. If anything, it thrilled her, because with him she knew she was safe enough to be vulnerable.
She knew there would be fights and arguments and disagreements, but she knew in her soul that they wouldn't be the same kinds of ones her parents had.
This night would be forever branded into her memory. The cool breeze against her skin, her shawl long forgotten on the ledge behind her, the warmth of his thumb below her eye as he wiped away her tears. Then, things happened in slow motion. She whispered is last name, reached out to cautiously touch the knot of his tie, and then, without giving it a second thought, he kissed him.
At first, it was brief and fleeting and romantic and sweet all rolled into one. She pulled away slightly – much sooner than she had wanted – as a way to give him the opportunity to pull away, to tell her to stop, but he didn't. Instead, he leaned in towards her and they kissed again. Only this time it was frantic, hungry, and passionate – a promise even -and she never wanted to stop. She could feel him pull her closer to him and it was everything she had been missing in life.
Amanda was pretty sure she could live in that moment forever. The way his hand cradled her face, his fingertips both gentle and firm behind her head. The way her arm snaked around his waist and her palm pressed firmly against his back. She committed to memory how, even though she had on heels and was standing on her tiptoes, he still had to prop his knee out so he could bend into her more and it caused them to sway together the slightest bit in order to keep their balance.
The thing about epiphanies, though? They usually happen at the most inopportune times. When they parted again for air, she saw everything else flash before her eyes – the constant nagging that she didn't deserve to be happy.
She remembered the awkwardness in his office when he was trying to tell her something before her father's doctor called her, she remembered the hushed cell phone conversations when he was with her in the hospital waiting room. She thought back to how she flat out asked him what he was going to tell her, and he brushed it off, saying that she had a lot on her plate.
"I'm too late," she said breathlessly, choking back the tears that were threatening to become sobs in the back of her throat. "I waited too long and I missed my chance. You're seeing someone, aren't you?"
His eyes flew to hers. "It's not too late...I don't think it could ever be too late for you and me." He dreamed of this moment for years, tried to wish it into existence even though he knew it would probably never happen. He only started seeing Nicole in the first place because he thought it would be the only way he would move past his feelings for Amanda.
She avoided his gaze, chuckling awkwardly. "The timing of this...I..."
"Look at me, please. Amanda..."
His voice was a combination of calm, sincere, and passionate. It was a plea, really. It made all of her thoughts swirl inside of her brain. Slowly, she turned her head and their gazes locked.
"There was someone," he admitted, and those words were enough for her to break the magnetic pull of their gaze. "Manda, please, just listen," he pleaded, as he gently cupped her face in his hands and made her look at him again. "There was someone. Was. It's over now. It wasn't anything serious, and it should have been over weeks ago, but we officially called it quits today."
"Oh. Oh," she repeated her voice softening. "Why, uh, why didn't things work out?"
"We wanted different things."
"I see..."
"But, uh, the biggest reason was because she wasn't you."
Her lips turned upward into a smile and the tension in her shoulders relaxed. "I see," she repeated, only this time it was more flirtatious.
"And in the spirit of full disclosure, that little speech I wrote about partners...well, Fin and Phoebe weren't my inspiration."
Her smile grew wider. "I didn't think so. It was about Benson and Stabler, obviously," she teased him as she reached up to wrap her arms around his neck, pressing herself against him. "Precinct legend has it they'd give each other a kidney, you know."
He rolled his eyes and poked her nose with his index finger much like he would to Jessie or Billie. "You're something else, Rollins." He chuckled before offering her a smile that she would have sworn was only reserved for her. "It was about you and me."
"I hoped so."
"For the record, I'd give you a kidney, too."
She hummed before stretching upward to whisper in his recently healed ear, her breath tickling his skin. "Only if I don't give you one first." Then, she placed the softest of kisses near his earlobe.
His arms tightened around her waist and his lips found hers again. She didn't know how long they were lost in that kiss for because all she could do was think about how to leave the venue at the same time without drawing attention to themselves.
"Hey, Carisi," she began as they reluctantly pulled away from each other, her mind drifting back to an almost kiss outside of a dingy motel room over three years ago.
"Hmm?"
"You're a helluva partner."