Post 18x07

Amanda Rollins, with her tiny daughter in her arms, knocked aggressively on the door to her partner's apartment. "Open up, Carisi! I know you're in there."

After what felt like an eternity, the door finally opened and Carisi appeared wearing a pair of sweatpants and a college t-shirt. It was the most casual she'd ever seen him dressed, and had the situation been different, she probably would have stared or at least teased him a bit.

"Rollins, hey." He was clearly surprised to see her standing in his doorway with his goddaughter. "What're you doing here?"

"I, uh, I, talked," she rambled, taking a second to catch her breath. "Liv told me what happened before she had to shoot. Damn it, Carisi. Why didn't you tell me?"

He shrugged, stepping aside and gesturing her into the apartment. "I'm okay."

"Someone had a gun aimed at you!"

"Benson took care of it," he counted. "You're smart and you were on the scene during the aftermath...what else did you think would have had to happen in order for her to make that judgement call?" He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms.

"I barely saw you before I left to follow Quinn to the hospital! I knew you had blood on your face, but I didn't know he was aiming at you! Or that you were so close to him!"

"Would you have preferred he had it aimed at Quinn?" He snapped, throwing his arms up. "I'm a cop. It's what we do."

"I just...I just didn't know that he had his gun on your forehead." She repeated. Amanda's heart was racing. "You're my partner and I had to hear about it from someone else?"

"I would have said something tomorrow...probably."

She scoffed. "No. No. This is not something that you wait until tomorrow to tell me. "Hey, Rollins, I twisted my ankle when Benson and I were running after a perp yesterday" or "Rollins, did you hear about that the scuffle the suspect and I got in when we were bringing him in?" Those are things that can wait until the next day. "Cole had a gun aimed right at my forehead and that's why Benson had to shoot him" is something you absolutely tell me before I leave the scene!"

Jessie, seeming to pick up on her mother's anxiety, began to fuss and Carisi stepped forward, opening his arms. "May I?" He asked.

Amanda nodded, and handed Jessie to him. Jessie settled almost instantly – resting her head in the crook of her Uncle Sonny's neck with a soft little sigh.

"Atta girl," Carisi murmured, securing his hold on the child a little tighter. In this moment, the events from a few hours ago began to catch up to him and his breath caught in his throat for a second as the adrenaline started to wear off.

"Are...are you okay?" Amanda asked, her anger began to dissipate and her voice softened. "I know I came in here all upset, but I just...I was worried. Are you okay? Really okay, I mean?"

He sighed heavily but didn't say anything.

"I want the truth."

"You want a drink?" He wasn't deflecting, per se, he just needed a little bit of time to gather his thoughts. "Take your pick," he gestured to the bar cart in the corner of the living room.

"Do you want a drink?" she countered.

"Uh, yeah. A strong one."

Amanda surveyed the contents on the cart. "Well, you're in luck. I may not be able to cook, but I make a mean whiskey sour."

He flashed a small smile. "Maybe that's why we make a good team."

She slid Jessie's diaper bag off of her shoulder and handed it to him. "Here, take this and go sit down. I'll be right there."

Sonny settled on the couch with Jessie on his lap. He pulled out her stuffed animal from the diaper bag and began playing with her. He made silly voices and he loved the way she laughed it him. Her laughter was one of the most beautiful sounds in the world to him and he swallowed the lump in his throat thinking about how if one thing went differently today, he may have never heard it again.

That was exactly how Amanda found them a few minutes later. "Here you go," she said as she handed him his drink before settling sitting on the edge of his coffee table.

"Thanks." He took a sip and could feel the liquor burn his throat as it went down. "That is strong."

"Too strong? I can make you another."

"No, no," he shook his head before taking another sip. "It's great – especially after today."

Amanda nodded, but didn't say anything. She waited patiently for him to speak again.

"You know, Cole had a gun aimed at my forehead and all I could think about was how it was karma." He finally said.

"Karma? For what?" She asked, softly.

"For Dodds dying."

"Carisi..."

"I mean, it was his last day on the job. He never should have been on that call with Liv. It should have been me. I should have been the one who took a bullet that day. Not him."

Amanda swallowed hard. "I miss Dodds as much as you do, and I hate what happened to him. It makes me sick. I wish he was still here, but none of that was your fault. Munson pulled that trigger. Munson is responsible for what happened to Dodds."

"But none of that changes the fact that Dodds shouldn't have been there in the first place! That's why Cole taking me out would have made sense!"

"Dominick." It was the first time she ever called him by his first name and she was scared at how easily it rolled off of her lips. "Do not say that. There is no cosmic balance sheet for the universe. Don't ever say you dying would have made sense."

His eyes shot up at the use of his name. He could barely get her to call him "Sonny" and never would have dreamed that she'd call him "Dominick." But if he had to admit it, he liked that she called him that when no one else did – it felt special. "Y'know..." he took another long gulp of his drink, nearly finishing it, before he spoke again. "I didn't think about my parents or my sisters or my nieces and nephews. I didn't see my own future flash before my eyes. I thought about...about Jessie," he admitted, fighting the urge he had to add and you, because he didn't think he could bring himself to admit that part to either one of them yet.

His voice cracked with emotion and she could have sworn she saw tears appear in his eyes as he looked at a smiling Jessiewhile he waved her stuffed elephant in front of her.

"I thought about Jessie, and her future, and everything I wouldn't be there to see. I wondered about what her favorite color would be, what her favorite songs and TV shows would be. Would she like sports or be more scholarly? And if I wasn't here," he forced himself to chuckle lightly, trying to break the tension and lighten the mood in the room, "would she ever know what an authentic Italian marinara sauce tastes like or would she only know that Ragu crap you buy that comes in a jar?"

Amanda closed her eyes, blinking a few times to control the tears that were threatening to fall. The reminder that had Olivia appeared a few seconds later or had not reacted fast enough, they might not even be having this conversation right now. The whole entire world would be different and the weight have that hit her like a freight train.

She finally opened her eyes again when she could sense him looking at her. When they opened, she saw him bouncing a babbling Jessie happily on his knee, and he was looking at her like his only care in the world was how she felt even though he was the one who had just lived through an incredibly traumatic event.

"You okay, Amanda?"

"Yeah. Yeah. I'm just really glad you're okay..."

The world was a better place with Dominick Carisi, Jr. in it.