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Post 20x13

Dominick Carisi should have been tying up loose ends, finishing up DD-5's that have been multiplying at a rate faster than he thought possible. But his mind couldn't seem to focus on anything besides his partner – his engaged partner – who was in labor. It was different than when she was pregnant with Jessie. They were even closer now – they had a solid friendship and partnership – and he couldn't help to feel like he should be in the hospital waiting room, but he had to continuously reminded himself that it wasn't appropriate. The baby's father was there, her fiancée now, the man who was supposed to be there.

He wasn't supposed to be there. He was just the friend – and maybe the godfather assuming Al didn't have someone else in mind for that role. This relationship with Amanda's new baby would be different than the relationship he had with Jessie, and he had really conflicting thoughts on what that meant. It also made him wonder how his relationship with Jessie would change as a result.

He chewed on bottom lip nervously every once in a while, when his mind would flashback to the complete fear he felt when Amanda had realized something was wrong when she was in labor the first time. He remembered being terrified while he paced the waiting room with Liv as he called his mother to ask her for more prayers. The way the nurse – even way back then – had assumed he was the father, just like the one did when he wheeled Amanda into the hospital this time. Maybe, if he was being honest with himself, that was the first time he allowed himself to indulge in the idea of being a family with Rollins and her baby. It was a little seed that was planted, and over time, it began to grow and blossom, but then Dr. Al came into the picture and whatever had been growing seemed to wilt.

He said a quick, silent prayer for a safe delivery for both mother and baby and turned his attention back to his reports. After an hour or so of trying to work, his cellphone rang and broke him away from the reports on his computer.

"Rollins. Hey. Everything okay?" He asked quickly in one breath when he answered his phone.

"Yeah," she gave a watery chuckle. "She's here and she's...perfect. We're both fine."

"Good, good." He couldn't help the smile that spread across his face as he thought about another Rollins girl to love. He faltered for a brief second as he wondered if Amanda would give the baby Al's last name instead.

"Yeah."

"Then why do you sound so sad?" He asked gently, as he stood up from his desk and walked over to the breakroom to have some more privacy.

"Because I'm doing this all on my own again...Al and I...it's over."

"You're not on your own, Manda."

"Liv said something like that to me, too."

"It's true. We're all here for you. I'm here for you." It was true – every single word. Just like that day in the breakroom when he told her she deserved to be taken care of, he knew in that moment that his subconscious was referring to himself and not Dr. Al. Sonny didn't think Al could ever take care of Amanda, Jessie, and this new baby the way they deserved. He knew in his gut Al always had one foot out the door when it came to a relationship with Amanda, but maybe he would take fatherhood more seriously.

"I...I know."

"And besides...Al's not deep undercover in another country. He'll be around." He had a lot of opinions on Declan Murphy, not all were completelybad, but when Amanda did confide in him about the identity of Jessie's father, he knew that Jessie would never have a real relationship with him.

"I'm not so sure about that."

"What do you mean?"

"He said he'll have a lawyer contact me in a few weeks for a custody agreement. He didn't make it seem like an had any desire for anything other than visitation."

"Well, a custody agreement is important, but only wanting visitation when your baby is just a few hours old seems a bit unusual. Maybe he just needs some time to process everything."

She shrugged, even though he couldn't see her, shaking her head that Carisi - who made his disdain for Al clear – would even consider defending him in any regard. But then she realized it wasn't Al having a relationship with his child that he cared about. He was looking out for her baby, and the desire that baby would have to have a relationship with her father, because he was Dominick 'Sonny' Carisi, Jr. and that was just the type of man that he was.

"He said he'd pay for me to have an abortion before, so I don't think he ever really wanted to be a dad. It was his gut instinct when I told him I was pregnant..." She sighed. "I think he proposed to me out of obligation or something...and I said yes for the same reason. I never loved him," she admitted softly – so softly that Sonny didn't quite catch it.

"Well, do me a favor, huh? Before you sign anything from Dr. Al's fancy lawyers, let me get some opinions on it? I have friends from law school who went into family law. I'd feel better if an extra set of eyes looked at it with your and the baby's best interests at heart."

"Absolutely. I really would appreciate it, Carisi." She sighed before forcing a sarcastic chuckle. "I'm essentially homeless with two kids now. I mean, I know Al won't kick me out before I find a new place, but I don't really want to go back to his place once I'm discharged, either. He only held his newborn daughter for five whole minutes before he decided to go scrub in and watch a surgery, so maybe he won't even be around too much..."

She waited for his "I told you so" about breaking her lease early and moving in with Al, but that never came. Instead, the compassion in his voice when he spoke next was enough to nearly move her to tears in her post-delivery state.

"You know you and the girls can stay with me as long as you need to, right? It might be a little cramped and not entirely Jessie-proofed, but we'll make do. You don't have to go back to the good doctor's penthouse if you don't want to. I promise." He'd even pay for a hotel room for as long as she needed it if she didn't want to stay at his apartment.

"I wouldn't want to put you out...a toddler, a newborn and me? That's a lot."

"Nothin' I can't handle," he assured her – remembering how he insisted on sleeping on her couch for a few weeks after Jessie was born and she was recovering from major surgery after nearly dying. She fought it, briefly, probably because she was stubborn and wanted to save face, but he knew that she was glad he was there and that she needed the help. "Wait, what about Frannie?" He asked suddenly.

"The dog walker is dog sitting for a bit until everything is situated," she replied before yawning softly.

"You know what? Get some rest. We can figure out all this later. Don't worry about it."

"Mm."

"You think you'll be up for some visitors later?" He asked, trying his best not too sound too eager.

"Yes. Do me a favor?"

"Anything. You want me to smuggle you in that sushi you've been craving for months?" He teased. "Or some tequila?"

"Maybe," she laughed before refocusing. "Can you go to Al's and get Jessie? She's with the sitter...and make sure she has a bag packed? I don't feel comfortable with Al staying with her until I'm discharged because well, you know...so she's gonna stay at Liv's for the time being."

"Consider it done. Don't worry about a thing, Manda. Just get some rest. We'll see you soon."

"Thanks, Carisi. You're the best partner a girl could ask for."

"Can I hold her?" Jessie asked, almost shyly as she stared at her new baby sister, after her Uncle Sonny managed to pry her fingers out of her mouth.

"Of course," Amanda nodded. "Why don't you have Aunt Liv help you get situated on the couch over there, and then Uncle Sonny can bring Billie to you?"

Maybe it would have made more sense for Liv to bring the baby to Sonny and Jessie, but Amanda was feeling emotional. She wanted the first person besides Al and herself to hold Billie to be Sonny. After all, he was the first person to hold Jessie besides the doctor that delivered her. She remembered making the nurse promise that if something happened and she couldn't hold her baby, Sonny had to be the one to hold her first. As it turned out, she did have a bad reaction to the anesthesia and couldn't hold her newborn daughter for hours, but the nurse had kept her promise, and snuck Sonny into the nursery where he held Jessie until they had to almost pry her away from him so she could be checked out again.

"Okay," Jessie agreed quickly, kicking her little legs gently as Sonny put her feet on the floor. She skipped over to the couch where Olivia had just sat down and crawled up next to her.

Amanda never broke eye contact with Sonny as she carefully slipped the baby into his arms. Her heart fluttered in her chest as she watched the way looked at his newest goddaughter and she couldn't help but to notice how Al didn't even look at Billie that way. Her gaze followed across the room as Sonny carefully kneeled down in front of Jessie as Olivia was giving her a quick talk through of how to hold the baby.

Liv put her arm around Jessie so when Sonny gently placed the baby in Jessie's arms, she could make sure Billie's head was secured safely.

"Wow. She's so pretty," Jessie whispered, in awe of the tiny little being in her arms.

"Just like you," Sonny replied, his hand still holding the baby in place on Jessie's lap. "You're a big sister, Jess. Isn't that exciting?" He asked with a grin.

"I don't know how to be a big sister," she said, sadly, biting her lip as she looked at him with tears welling in her eyes. "What if I'm not good at it?"

"You're gonna be amazing at it," he assured her. "Trust me."

At her godfather's words, Jessie smiled proudly. "I will?"

"You absolutely will be, Jessie Girl. I know it." He leaned forward to kiss the top of her head before he pressed his forehead against hers. "You can do anything."

Amanda watched and listened from the hospital bed. This wasn't the first moment – and it wouldn't be the last moment either – that she wished she had made different choices nearly a year ago, taken a different path. Because if she had, her newest baby could have been his baby, too. She couldn't change the past, but maybe she could work on a future that could make the four of them a family.

Someday.