Post 22x14

I started this before the finale kiss, and it fell to the wayside in the aftermath of my watching the kiss on a constant loop forever. But hiatus writing is a good time to finish it. It's definitely a lot shorter than whatever I had in mind way back then. (I think I wanted to address that way Amanda awkwardly sort of, kind of, somewhat leaned into his shoulder before shifting her movements at the hospital, but nothing's coming to me now...) I'm in a fluff mood so it was hard to finish this.

"Do you want to talk about Mesner?" Sonny asked as he sat down next to Amanda at the small table in the courtyard. "About how he talked to Jessie at the park?" He clenched his fists at the thought of that psychopath being anywhere near Jessie.

"Not really." Amanda replied, her words clipped.

He chuckled lightly. "I kinda figured that."

Amanda sighed, biting her lip before she spoke again. "But there is something I do want to talk about."

"Oh? What's that?"

She finally brought gaze away from the ground and to his face. "I want to know why you didn't tell me about your girlfriend."

"Rollins...I..." he trailed off, unsure of how to proceed. He knew that he shouldn't feel guilty about trying to have a successful relationship with a smart, beautiful woman, but when it came time to telling Rollins, it felt both guilty and wrong.

"You know," she couldn't help but to scoff, even though she was trying so hard to be happy for him. "I suspected all along...ever since I was in your office and got the call about my dad. I just thought...I just thought..."

"Thought what?" he finally prompted, softly, after several beats passed without Rollins continuing her train of thought. He searched her eyes and there was something that flickered there that he couldn't exactly identify. Regret? Disappointment? Sorrow?

Amanda sighed again. She wanted to say – I thought after New Year's Eve we were getting somewhere. I've been ready for a while and I thought that maybe we could have talked about it.

Instead, she took a shaky breath and said, flatly, "I just thought you would have told me. That's all."

"I tried," he began, lamely, "but then you had a lot going on and it just was never a good time." Even though there was a little voice in the back of his mind telling him that the time never would have been right to disclose to her that he was seeing someone, no matter how hard he tried.

"I gave you the chance at the hospital to tell me. I asked you what you tried to tell me in your office..."

"I know, but things were up in the air with your dad and then all that drama with your stepmother..."

She shot him a look at the word "stepmother."

"Anyway...I just didn't think it was fair to bring it up them."

She smiled sadly. "You could have, you know. We're friends, aren't we? Your world doesn't just stop because mine is a hot mess like usual."

"Amanda..."

She shook her head. "It's okay, Carisi. You, uh, you were cancelling a date with her when you were on the phone at the hospital, weren't you?"

"Yeah."

"And you cancelled on her the night I left for Atlanta and you stayed with the girls, I'm sure."

"Stood up" was probably a more accurate description, but he didn't feel the need to point that out. "Yeah. How'd you know?"

"I'm a detective, Carisi," she shrugged. "Thank you for always being there for me...and the girls...but don't ever feel like you have to cancel on you girlfriend for us. I know we can't be your priority all the time. I appreciate everything you did for me. Especially these last few weeks – taking care of my kids, making me laugh in that waiting room when all I wanted to do was cry, for being there when Amber Lynne appeared. Hell, I probably would have been in lockup for assaulting her if you weren't there. You helped me be a grown up, and that means the world to me."

"You've been a grown up a lot longer than you realized," he reminded her sincerely. He wanted to reach out and touch her hand again, but he hesitated and stopped himself.

"I'm not so sure about that."

"Well, you don't have to be because I'm sure of it."

For a moment, Amanda wished that he wasn't such a nice man. She wished that he could treat her the way all other men treated her. It would be easier that way. "I, uh, I just need some time to process all the changes in my life, but someday soon, I'd like to meet her...your girlfriend. I mean, if you want to introduce of...if she even wants to meet me, that is. I couldn't blame her if she doesn't want to...I already came in between you two enough, I'm sure."

She sniffled and he had to fight the urge to touch her face and wipe away any tears that were threatening to fall. He had an internal battle going inside of him as he tried to figure out why he knew the ways to comfort Amanda and how to be there for her and what she needed, but how when Nicole's sister was abducted, they fought, she didn't trust him and Benson, and he gave her some pathetic excuse for a hug in the hospital corridor.

Was it because he and Nicole just needed some more time to get to know each other, to fall in love with each other? Or was it something deeper – the fact that he couldn't possibly care for and love anyone else the way he loved Amanda Rollins – coupled with the fact that things had been rocky for him and Nicole lately?

Nicole was surprisingly understanding when he stood her up to care for his goddaughters, but she wasn't so understanding when he told her he had to cancel their dinner plans because he was still at the hospital or that time when he told her he was going to help Rollins get her dad to her mom's place once he was discharged from the hospital and work on getting a will started for him. Surprisingly, she didn't come right out and say it, but she tossed around a few passive aggressive remarks about it and managed to successfully push his buttons.

The boiling point for him was when he was on his way out of her apartment after a litany of such remarks when he finally just snapped and said to Nicole "I'm helping a friend, Nicole. My former partner. It's not like I ever slept with her."

And then, as he turned to leave, he pretended like he didn't hear Nicole when she fired back with "Yeah, well, is that the problem?"

And ever since then, their standing dinner dates fizzled out, and talking to each other seemed to feel like a chore to him. He hadn't seen her in person in days, and for as awful as that sounds, he wasn't even that upset by it.

"And, um, you know," Amanda continued rambling. You don't have to help with my dad's will anymore. You're busy and you already did so much for us."

He looked offended. "I'm still gonna help with your dad's will."

"You don't have to." She argued.

"But I want to...we're partners."

"No, Carisi, we aren't partners anymore," she said softly, willing her voice not to break. "Maybe it's time to let go of that and just be...friends..."

He opened his mouth to protest, but the words got caught in his throat, as the blood rushed in his head and tried to form coherent thoughts. He wanted to tell her that their bond would never go away, that they would always be partners, no matter what, but he didn't know how to say it. Before he had a chance to so anything Liv popped out into the courtyard and said she needed them back inside and the moment was lost.