I dream of a dark tunnel with a bright light at the other side, like looking at the sun through the end of an empty toilet paper roll, playing Pirates and Ninjas on the top of the jungle gym with the rest of the kids from my apartment block. The wind rushes through my hair, gently whooshing past my face as I spread both my arms wide. Welcoming the breeze on my skin, a slight scent of sweat that lingers a little too long. I stand on the edge of the topmost bar with my legs set wide, the highest point I can reach.
"--kun, you're going to fall! " A little girl with her black hair up in pigtails says, scrambling up after me. Her pudgy arms aren't strong enough to pull her up on the first rung of bars but she tries her best anyway. Her face scrunching up with great effort as she continues her climb.
I've never heard the first part of what she said, where my name was supposed to be. It always felt like that low, thrumming in my ear that sometimes happens when I bend down or sit down. Her mouth moves but I hear nothing for a second, then the sound of her voice comes back.
"Hehe," I triumphantly place my hands on my hips, looking down at her from above my nose. She's only halfway up the jungle gym, struggling to get as high as I am. I know I'm speaking. But that's not my voice. It doesn't belong to me, "You'll never get up here if you don't try harder."
"Eeeeh," She says, "You're so mean --kun!" She pouts at me for a second then scrunches up her nose as she heaves her tiny body upwards. It happens again, that low, static-y thrum where my name is supposed to be. I can still hear the cawing of crows and the rustling of the wind in the background. It only happens when she speaks my name.
Strange words that sound like something I recognize. But when I say it out, it's like I'm speaking a completely different language. It rolls off my tongue, smooth like the surface of silken tofu but it leaves a bitter aftertaste behind.
It feels familiar, yet not. Something simultaneously far, yet near to the rippled depths of my soul. Funny, I know. Like a strong sense of 'Oh, I've seen this before'.
I bend down to extend a hand towards her, offering to help her up. I feel my lips curl into a playful grin as her eyes quiver at my open palm, "Here. C'mon. I'll help you up."
Her dark eyes melt into a glittering moonlit sea. Her face brightening up into the biggest smile she can give. "Hehe," She giggles and attempts to pull herself up with my hand, "You're not that mean after a-"
This is where things go wrong. I don't know if she pulled too hard or if it was a bad idea to stand on a narrow bar topullsomeone up or if it was both but my legs leave the bars. I fall. Everything slows down. Her fingers leave mine.
"--! --!" She screams my name. All that comes out is static. Tears fall from her eyes. And she looks like she's lost her favourite teddy bear into the deep, black abyss of nothingness.
"Toru! Tor-" I say, looking up at her pig tails wave and flutter in the wind. Toru. The name that belongs to the girl with moonlit oceans in her eyes and cute pigtails tied up with pink scrunchies. This time she's the one with her hand outstretched, reaching out to grab mine. A horrible exchange of fate. I'm about to hit the ground.
This only happens when I'm sleeping, dreaming of things I've never seen before, people that I don't recognize and events that couldn't have possibly happened in front of a building I've never thought was possible to build. When I wake up the day after, all that's left is a odd, unfulfilling sense of emptiness that I can't really put a name to.
Something crunches in a sickening way.
...
"Toru!"
A warm and gentle hand presses against my shoulder, rocking my body. Her voice runs smooth into my ears in a low but urgent half-whisper. A groan escapes my mouth. I try to brush her hand away with a sloppy tug of the blankets. The shaking still continues. My body wriggles and rolls over to the opposite side in hopes that the shaking will stop. It doesn't. The pressure gradually increases.
"Toru! Toru, wake up!"
Two hands now. One on my shoulder and the other on my waist. I can feel her warmth through my thin, scratchy blanket. She's using two hands to shake me up.
"W-what time is it?" My voice is thick with bleariness and I can barely crack my eyes open because of all the boogers sealing my eye shut. I furiously rub my eyes to get rid of them.
She rolls me over on my back like she would a tawara- a bale of rice so she can see my face. "You're saying your name in your sleep again," She whispers to me, keeping her voice as low as she could without waking the rest of our family up. Her long cosmos-pink hair tickles the sides of my face as she crouches down, craning her neck so that she can take a closer look. So she can see if I was crying. Her green eyes reflecting the soft flame of the kerosene lampby my head as she brushes the sticky parts of my fringe away from my face with her cool fingers, "Did you have a nightmare?"
I brush the remains of the boogers from my eyes, I can open them fully now. But do I want to? No. "My name?" I say, probably looking like I've aged a couple of years as I slowly sit up, being careful not to knock the lamp over. Kerosene is very expensive and we only earn enough to afford one small bottle a month.
"Yeah," I frown, but not because I did indeed have a nightmare. I just hate sleeping on that part of the tatami where it just sinks in weird places and I have to squirm, wriggle and move just to get into a nice, comfortable position I can sleep in, "A nightmare. A bad one." The same nightmare that I've been having my entire life (three and a half years and counting).
I rub the parts of my back that I can reach (not much) to relieve myself of the dull ache that's slowly growing. I want Mother to replace the old, rickety tatami mats with new ones but we can't. The wallpaper too, there's some holes near the engawa that we can't patch up with repairing paper and it gets really cold at night. Maybe next year, she said, if the harvest is good. I don't think it will happen though, we need the money for so many other things.
I can sleep on them for a while longer.
She pats the top of my head in a nice way. The way she always does when I have a bad dream. She giggles softly once she sees the grumpy expression on my face, "That's why kaa-san named you Toru, you know?" Yes, I know. I've heard this story before from Mother and from Kaika herself. I was barely six months old when I started crying 'Towu, Towu' in my gurgly baby voice. Kaika said that I was this close being named Tofu.
I blink my eyes a couple of times to get rid of the sleepiness. It's still dark out and it doesn't look like it's anywhere near morning. The chickens aren't making any sounds either."What are you doing up, Kaika-nee?" I say, looking up at her with wide(r)eyes.
Kaika picks up the lamp and walks towards the table. An almost finished garment lies over the surface. It's a very nice shade of green, like the colour of barley leaves. "I'm just finishing up the work that Hasumi-san gave me today," She says, "There's always so much to do! But she treats me nicely, so I can't complain much." She picks up the needle and continues sewing the seams of the sleeves, "And she gives me extra pay for extra work."
Kaika is my sister if you didn't already know. She's an apprentice tailor, which means she'll one day take over Hasumi-san's workshop and make a lot more than she does right now. Maybe then we'll be able to replace the tatami! She also turns eight this year.
"And the shuriken kimono?" I say looking at her with round eyes, "You remember our promise right?"
"Of course I remember, with this done I'll have enough to get the fabric that you want." Her fingers don't stop as she responds. It can be quite hypnotic watching her work, the needle going in and out, weaving the thin thread in a neat line with even spaces between them (that's why she's Hasumi-san's best apprentice!), "I'll come to bed in a bit, I'm almost done."
"Shuriken kimono," I hum as I settle back into the futon and pulling up my blanket so it reaches my chin. I feel a little bit better after being woken up, "Shuriken kimono."
"Remember, you're going to turn four soon. Which means you have to help Hatsuga with the morning chores." She says, "Don't forget."
"I won't," I say, letting sleep take over me again, "I won't..."
...
When the rooster (it's what a boy chicken is called) starts crowing, it's time for the whole family (except Kaika, she wakes up a little later to get to her tailor workshop near the center of the village) to wake up to tend to our farm. Which now includes me. I usually slept through when Mother kisses me good-morning, but I'm almost four. I'm almost becoming a man so I have to do my part for the family.
Hatsuga is already sitting up, bleary eyed and looking like a storm has blown through the room but only affecting him. Or just his hair. It's sticking out in weird ways that reminds me of the spiky part of a chestnut, except purplish-red instead of green. He's my older brother. My family is kinda big. He's the fourth child, then after him is me. I'm the fifth child of the family.
"Oh, are you helping out today Toru-chan?" Mother says when she realizes that I'm awake as she presses her lips against my forehead.
"I'm not Toru-chan anymore," I huff, the grumpiness from being woken up coming back again, "I'm almost four. I'm Toru now.To-ru." I say out the two parts of my name to get her to understand.
She ruffles my hair with her warm hand, "You'll always be my Toru-chan. Okay, get up before Moe-chan wakes up and starts to cry." Mother moves over to the small bundle of cloth, swaddled around a gurgling baby that isn't that much bigger than me. It's quite amazing once I think about it, it's not so long ago that I was once tiny like that.
"Noooooo." I say, lifting myself out of the bed and giving my mother a reluctanthug. I don't really want her to call me Toru-chan, it's embarrassing.
"What if I promise to teach you to write in the evening?" Mother says. Then in a sneaky way, "I'll even let you send a letter to Shibomu and Kizashi."
My eyes go round. The embarrassment immediately disappears from my mind, "Shibomu-nii? Kizashi-nii? Really? Yes, I'll be Toru-chan forever!"
Hatsuga gives me a (painful) noogie, sounding like he hasn't fully woken up yet. Maybe his head is still sleeping, even if his body is moving, "Shut up. It's too early for this."
"O-ouch! Stop it! It's always too early for anything for you," I say, trying to push him away but he's bigger and stronger than me. He just presses down on my head harder, messing up my hair even more. I can only hope it doesn't turn out like his,"Kaa-chan! Kaa-chan! Hatsuga-nii's bullying me!" I use my almost-crying voice. If everything else doesn't work, Mother to my rescue!
"You're such a tattle-tale! C'mere you!" Hatsuga wrestles me to the floor as he tries to cover my mouth with his hand. Looks like he's awake now, "Men don't cry for their kaa-san. No matter how much they want to."
I let out a loud gasp, "I am a man!" I push my palm against his chin to get him off me.
"Now, now boys." Mother says, cradling my youngest sister in her arms in a slow rocking motion, "I'm right here. You can't really say that when you're doing it in front of your kaa-chan you know?"
Hatsuga looks iffed for a quick second before releasing his hold on me.
"Haha! Hatsuga-nii, you are no match for-" I drop to a knee and make a triumphant pose with my arms, "Shinobi-man!"
Hatsuga looks at me. Then at the pose I'm making. He makes a face like when he's trying to eat green bell peppers. He hates green bell peppers, "You're embarrassing."
"A-ah! Toru-chan, don't be too loud. You'll wake Moe-chan u- Ah, too late." Mother strokes the baby's face to try to keep her from crying.
Instead of crying my youngest sister lets out a quiet, bubbling cough.
...
So our morning chores. In no particular order of importance (but we do it in this order because it's easier). We feed the goats (we have four, three girl goats and one boy goat) at the back with a mixture of broken rice husks and a bit of charcoal from our fireplace, broken into little pieces. Hatsuga said that it helps keep them alive (I know right? Eating charcoal? Keeping them alive? Out of curiosity, I've tasted it before. Blergh.) because it clears their stomach from all the plants and weeds they eat in the backyard.
I don't question it out loud because we've always done it this way. Okay, maybe I have. Hatsuga just looked at me funny.
Then we brush them down and try not to get hit by their back hooves. One of them, whom I call Ha-chan (because she always has a leaf in her mouth) always looks very grumpy in the mornings and will try to kick anyone that gets close. I had to duck. Hatsuga fared a whole lot better than me, but then again he's been helping out a lot longer.
We milk them after. Hatsuga had to teach me how. He does it really well in one swift tug of his fingers. For me, the experience was very slippery and weird. It's like trying to squeeze all of the water out of the rag we use to wipe the wood down on our engawa, but I have to do it gently or the goats make a fuss, kick the metal pail and run away.
The milk fills three pails about a quarter of my size that the both of us have to lug back.
"Hhrnng!" I wrap my fingers around two (yes, two) pails and stand up really quickly. I thought the force of my movements will help me lift both pails up but they don't budge. I blink. "Hnngngh!" I try it again, hopingthe result will be different this time around. It isn't. Two pails are too heavy for me to carry.
"Toru. Step back." Hatsuga gestures for me to step away from the pails. I take a few steps back, letting the handles clatter noisily against the rim. "Here. I'll show you what a real man can do." He adjusts his grip on the pails and heaves. A grunt comes out of him and all of a sudden he's lifting both of the pails with a smug smirk.
"Woaaahhh, Hatsuga-nii! You're so strong!" I look at him with rounded eyes, clapping my hands together for his wondrous feat, "Can I do that when I'm as old as you?" I really, really want to get stronger and become a man, not that I'm not already a man right now, but still.
"Heh." Hatsuga says through his nose, "You can try kid, but you'll never be as strong as me." He waddles away towards the house, both pails in tow.
I pout, grabbing the leftover pail with my chubby hands and follow him. Carefully. So the milk doesn't spill. We'll sell two pails at the morning market later for five hundred ryo each. Enough to buy a small amount of rice and bread for the whole family, some firewood for the day and a bit of soy sauce and miso. Enough for tomorrow's breakfast, lunch and dinner. The one pail we do keep is for today's breakfast. Hatsuga and Kaika says milk makes you stronger so I'm definitely drinking all of my share today.
After setting aside the milk in the cool shed, it's time to feed the chickens and collecting their eggs. For breakfast. We have seven chickens, one boy chicken and the rest are girl chickens (hehe, I'm really good at counting).
"Hey, Hatsuga-nii?" I say, carelessly throwing the feed around my feet. The chickens wobble their way closer to me and start pecking at the seeds and grain, eager clucking echoing around me.
"Yeah?" He says. He's all bent over in the chicken coop trying to get the freshly laid eggs of the day which meant his butt is also sticking out of the small entrance. You know what would be funny? If he got stuck like that.
"Why do we call boy chickens 'roosters' and girl chickens 'hens'?" I scowl, eyebrows knitting together. My hands stop scattering the feed and I adjust the weight of the wicker basket by my hip, "Isn't it easier to call them boy chickens and girl chickens?"
"What are you talking about?" Hatsuga says. He bumps his head on the inner roof of the coop, groaning in pain."Toru, you- I don't make the rules for these things okay?" He tries to push himself out of the coop once he's made sure that all the eggs are safely in the basket in his arms. "E-eh?" Hatsuga grunts, "I can't get out."
I cackle. The chickens around my feet dash away.
"Also why do you keep using the door for the chickens instead of the door for humans?" I say, walking over to the coop and unhinging the front netting. The wall of the coop facing me pops right open to reveal easier access to the nests. Hatsuga's eyes go wide.
He scowls, sounding very sheepish, "I-i didn't know that."
"Now you know." I say sounding smug. I take the basket of eggs from his arms.
"Now help me out!" Hatsuga wriggles his body in the entrance, "Or I'm gonna-! I'm gonna-!"
I skip away, cackling with two baskets at my hip.
...
I peek out from Mother's skirts, narrowing my eyes at Hatsuga. There is a painful bump on my head where he hit me. Mother just sighs, shrugging her shoulders as she continues mixing the cracked eggs with a pair of chopsticks. It seems like we're going to have tamagoyaki for breakfast today. Moe gurgles and coos at me from above, swathed snugly around one of her spare kimonos and secured on Mother's back. She lets out a little bubbling cough, like earlier in the morning.
"I did say I was gonna hit you." Hatsuga crosses his arms in a huff.
He sits by the pull-out table next to our kitchen. Mother has already tidied up the futons and put them away so we have enough space to eat. Kaika is by the dresser at the far corner of the room, brushing her hair and tidying it up into a neat bun. She's already wearing her white work frock over her kimono.
Our house is a little small compared to the other houses in the village but we have a really big plot of land for our animals and crops. We can't eat the crops we grow though, we send them to the daimyo instead. I asked Mother about it and she told me that it was part of our rent, we only moved here when I was born.
I frown back at him, clutching the fabric of Mother's kimono tightly. I can feel the sting of tears behind my eyes but I won't cry. I am finally a man of the household, after all.
"Toru-chan," Mother says in the same tone she uses when she scolds Hatsuga when he's being too rowdy. She doesn't sound angry or anything. It's gentle but firm with a hint of disappointment, "Toru-chan, you need to let go when I'm cooking. You could get very hurt. I have to fry the tamagoyaki now. Let go so Kaika can get to work on time. Oh yeah, Kaika! Remember to take your lunch bento. You forgot it yesterday."
"Yes, kaa-san," Kaika says in a sing songy way. She's still tidying up the flyaway hairs on the top of her bun.
I slowly release the fabric of her kimono from my fingers.
"Good boy," Mother says kindly, gesturing at the steaming bucket of rice that she'd set down in a corner, "Why don't you help your kaa-chan with setting the table, then we can begin the day with a delicious, hearty breakfast?"
"Okay." I say, sucking all my tears back into my tear ducts and proceed to scoop the fluffy, white rice into a bowl (that's all my small hands can carry carefully without dropping it on the ground. It's really hot). I grab the bundle of dry chopsticks by the sink and toddle over to the table where Hatsuga (still looking angry) and Kaika (who gives me a smile) are. I serve Kaika first, setting the bowl and a pair of chopsticks in front of her. Hatsuga makes another face.
"You're growing up so fast, Toru," Kaika places a gentle hand on my head, then moving to stand up, "C'mon I'll do it with you. We can finish it faster together."
"Yeah!" I say.
Kaika follows me back to the kitchen (it's only about ten steps away. Small house, like I said) to help me with setting the table. Hatsuga just huffs, unmoving from his seat. He can be very unhelpful when it comes to chores and such in the house. I'm a man, he says, housework is a woman's job. But isn't it a man's job to help their family, even if they're women? Whatever. I like helping Mother and Kaika. Their smiles of gratitude is reward enough for me.
We have a glass of milk each and tamagoyaki with a side of egg on rice topped by a drizzle of soy sauce for breakfast. And a piping hot bowl of miso soup.
...
After breakfast. Kaika goes off to her work place and Mother tends to the farm with Moe on her back. Looking at her thin body shakes my heart a little. Mother is a little smaller than the other older women in the village. The aunty from next door is much, much more rounder. If they stood side by side, she'd make Mother look like a matchstick in comparison. I can't wait to be older so I can help her out with the crops. I'm not allowed to now because I'm not old enough.
Hatsuga usually goes into the forest with the bigger kids to forage for stuff to bring home to eator to sell. As usual, I'm not allowed to follow because I'm too young. He's only three years older than me dammnit-Ah, I'm also not allowed to use bad words. Oops.
What I can do is hang out with the other kids my age nearby the village. Daiki and Hisao and me makes up the usual trio. There aren't many boys my age and the rest of them are girls. Girls don't really like playing with us since we get dirty and we play rough. So it's only just us three.
"Hey, do you think they have jungle gyms in the bigger villages? In Konoha?" I say, kicking a stray pebble as I walk down the dirt path leading to the Village Centre- a communal building where housewives go to gossip and where the old people go to drink tea in peace. Basically where everyone goes to hang out because that's the only building with electric-powered fans to keep cool in the mornings and afternoons. Electricity is expensive and we can't afford it like the other people in the village can.
"Eh, Toru. Is it another one of your strange words again?" Hisao has his hands behind his head as he walks beside me. His hair is shaved very close to his head. I asked him why once and he said that it was a family thing. His dad and older brothers all have shaved heads. His dad is a potter and his house is very close to the edge of the village where the mountains are.
Daiki purses his lips, "I don't think they even exist." Daiki has messy, shaggy hair and sharp eyes. He doesn't really talk about his family so I don't know much about him, but if I had to choose between Hisao and Daiki as my best friend. It'd be Daiki, "But how do they look like again? Draw it for me?" Thats why I like him better. Even if he doesn't understand what I'm talking about he always tries his best to entertain me.
I stop by the side, grabbing a branch and scratch shapes on the dirt. The two of them stop as well, crouching down to look at my drawing.
"Isn't that just an upside down bowl with a lot of lines?" Hisao says, pressing his fingers to his chin.
"No, no. It's a jungle gym." Daiki corrects him.
My cheeks turn hot. I'm not really good at drawing so it turned out a little bit bad compared to the image I have in my head. It does indeed look like an upside bowl made up of lines with a very tall chimney on top. I quickly rub the drawing away with my zori and fold my arms across my chest in embarrassment, "C'mon let's just go. We're going to be late for the ninja broadcast!"
"O-oh yeah!" Hisao jumps and makes a mad dash towards the building, "Come on!"
Daiki dusts the bottom of his kimono, "Let's go after him."
"Yeah! I don't wanna miss it too!" I say breaking into a slow jog behind Hisao.
The ninja broadcast starts at eleven a.m in the morning on the only channel that the public radio can tune in. The broadcast talks about the grandeur and strength of ninjas, followed by a short and detailed accounts of noteworthy shinobi from the second war. This entire week they were talking about the strength and feats of the three legendary sannin and how they defeated Hanzo the Salamander in the previous war. Today's focus is on Tsunade and her work with revolutionizing (I don't really understand what this word means but I'm guessing it's a very good word)medicine and healing jutsu for the other shinobi in Konoha. A pioneer (another word I don't understand)in her line of study. She's the reason why most of the casualties from the war survived their injuries.
Three of us sit super close to the radio, keeping our ears cupped so we don't miss a single word. The other adults just chuckle at our antics as they continue their conversations as quiet as they can.
"Ah, Tsunade-hime is a goddess." One of the older men say, "Our village was built in her name, you know? The only reason why the war hasn't touched our part of the country is because of her."
"Sshh," Another older lady presses her fingers to her mouth, "Keep it down. Let the kids listen to the radio."
I didn't know this fact about our village, about Tsunade. Pride bubbles in my chest. I'm happy to be living in the village that's made in honor of one of the legendary Sannin.
The tone of the announcer changes from upbeat and happy to something sad, "We all have heard of the losses that occurred in our main forces. Let us take a short moment of silence to honor their service to our great country of Fire before we continue."
Three of us scramble to stand up in respect. Everyone else in the room turns quiet and solemn. The only thing I could hear besides the soft music from the radio is the clinking of the cup against the table. Hisao looks like he's about to cry but he's putting on a brave face. His older brother is a shinobi in service. He hasn't sent a letter back in ages so Hisao is very worried. Shinobi are very busy people, they must be preoccupied with saving other villagers so I always tell him not to worry. He can't help but to worry.
Daiki just has a solemn look on his face. His shoulders are sloped, hands behind his back as he drops his eyes to the floor. I give him a pat on the back to cheer him up. He gives me a small smile in return.
The music stops and the male announcer continues the broadcast, "We're going to open the gates of the Konoha Academy for enrollment to everyone this year. Everyone between the ages of 4 to 6 are welcome to apply. Everyone who does join will get a monthly stipend for supplies and all fees will be subsidized by the government. In about three months, recruitment drives will be held in every village listed here." He proceeds to saythe names of all the other villages.
"Huh, again?" Someone says behind me, "The last country-widerecruitment drive was only two years ago at the start of the war. Are they really that short hande-?"
"Don't talk about that when the kids are here!" Another elderly woman hisses from beside him, "We're all loyal citizens of the great country of Fire so we should do our part."
My heart almost overflows in happinesswhen the announcer says the name of our village.
...
Hisao laughs and puffs out his chest as he stands on one of the bigger rocks, "The legendary sannin are so cool! When I'm a ninja I'm going to be Jiraiya the gallant and I'll get all the girls!" His earlier worry is forgotten once he's heard about the recruitment drive that's going to be happening in our village.
He points at Daiki, "You can be Orochimaru since you're very smart. And you have black hair like he does."
Daiki just raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms, "Okay. Then Toru is-"
Hisao points to me and makes an evil face, "Toru can be Tsunade. His hair makes him look like a girl! Nyeh." He sticks his tongue out and waggles his fingers to taunt me.
I pout, "Well, Tsunade-hime is strong and powerful. So I don't mind being her. But for saying that I look like a girl. I'm gonna get ya!" I jump and tackle him to the ground. We struggle and brawl in the dirt, Hisao grinning as we traded blows like a pretend ninja fight. Daiki just grabs our wrists and flip us over on the dirt, falling beside us in a pile of laughter. Daiki is really mysterious like that, he's much more stronger than the two of us combined but he doesn't look like he's strong.
...
We're all lying down in a circle now, heads touching as we look up at the late afternoon sky.
"So it's a promise then? We're all going to become ninja?" Hisao clenches his fist and pushes it up to the sun.
"Yeah!" I say, mirroring his gesture. Bumping the side of my fist with his. I turn my head to look at Daiki, waiting for him to join in.
Daiki is silent for a while but he eventually lifts his arm to complete our circle of fists, "Yeah, we're all going to be ninja."
The three of us stay with our fists up in the air for a while before dropping them to watch the clouds.
"Hey, does my hair really make me look like a girl?" I pat down the sides of my hair, feeling very conscious about my appearance, "Is it the colour? Is it the length? I'll get Kaika-nee to cut it for me."
"Yes." Hisao says.
Daiki shakes his head, "No."
They both give each other a very heated stare before turning away with a loud hmph. "It's very pink," Hisao nods, almost sounding like a wise old man, "And it's quite long."
"Only because you don't have hair," Daiki points out matter of factly, "Toru's hair is shorter than mine!"
"Hatsuga-nii's hair is pink!" I say.
"Hey don't make fun of my do, it's all the rage in the village." Hisao says rubbing the top of his stubbly head.
"Hatsuga-nii's hair is a dark purply-red. Kaika-neesan's hair is pink. Not the same pink, but pink." Daiki says to me, then turning to Hisao, "Yeah, it's all the rage in your family."
Hisao rolls on top of Daiki and proceeds to tug at his hair.
...
We play and joke around until late evening, dinner time. In our excitement about the radio broadcast we completely forgot about lunch. It's always fun to play ninja with them, too much fun. I come back home with a lot of dirt on my face and stick and leaves in my hair. Kaika just brushes them out of my hair with a laugh and tells me to take a bath. Hatsuga is herding all the animals back into their pens. Moe is grabbing the air by Kaika's lap.
After I take a long bath and coming out all nice and clean, we begin eating dinner. I see a bit of meat on the table and some mushrooms on the side which comes as a surprise to me. We don't usually get to eat meat or mushrooms. There's some leftover tamagoyaki from lunch that was supposed to be mine, but at least I get to eat it for dinner.
Hatsuga flashes a V sign at me and puffs his chest out, "I caught some pheasants and gathered some mushrooms from the forest today. Are you proud of me kaa-san?"
"Yep, very proud!" Mother pats Hatsuga's purplish-red hair with a smile on her face, "You're the man of the house now, after all."
"Uwaah," Kaika places her finger to her lips in mock surprise, "How cool of you, Hatsuga."
Hatsuga turns almost as red as his hair and elbows Kaika in the waist, "Shut up."
"But tou-san is the man of the house?" I say, blinking my eyes at them.
The table gets quiet all of a sudden. Mother purses her lips, quickly covering the shock that flashes on her face with a strained smile, "Y-yeah, you're right Toru-chan." Hatsuga looks down into his rice bowl with furrowed eyebrows. Kaika just continues eating like she didn't hear what I said.
"Where's tou-san by the way? He hasn't been home since last night." I put a mushroom into my mouth and start chewing.
Silence. Kaika is the first one to break it, "Your shuriken kimono. We're going to have to wait until the traders come back next week for the fabric. Hasumi-san didn't keep any in stock."
"Aww, that's too bad," I say, "It's okay though. I can wait."
Kaika smiles and takes a sip of her miso soup.
"You didn't forget about the letters you're going to write to your brothers, did you?" Mother says.
"Nope!" I say shaking my head, "I didn't forget!"
"Well eat up! Then we'll get to the letters," Mother smiles, showing me her teeth, "I'll even teach you how to write our family name!"
"Yeah!" I cheer.
...
Evening turns to night and kerosene lamp gets turned on. Hatsuga is already lying down in his futon, preparing to go to sleep. Moe lies beside him making baby noises with the occasional cough and trying to grab at his fingers. The fold-out table also doubles as a writing desk, Mother and I sit on one edge and Kaika sits on the opposite, continuing her extra work. This time it's a new garment and she's making the seams look nice.
"Okay. What do you want to tell Kizashi and Shibomu?" Mother places the mulberry papers in front of me and hands me a pencil. The flame of the lamp dyes the table with a soft orange glow.
"Well," I hmm-ed, then listing everything out, "I want to ask if they're doing okay. And that I miss them. And if they're getting enough to eat. And if they're taking care of themselves."
Shibomu is already a shinobi, he graduated and got his genin rank and hitai-ate two years ago. I've only seen him a few times when I was younger but that was so long ago that his face is getting very fuzzy in my memory. He sent home quite a bit of letters and pictures before so I know what he looks like now but his last letter was a while ago. Like Hisao's brother. They went to the Academy at the same time too. They must be real busy with missions and the war stuff. Shibomu is my oldest brother. He doesn't really talk much about his life in Konoha. His letters are short and concise.
Kizashi is my second oldest brother. He's almost graduating from the Academy soon. He also has the funniest shaped hair out of all of us boys. I guess he takes after Father that way. The letters he sends back are funny and tells us all about his life in the Academy. Learning awesome ninjutsu and taijutsu. He can make clones of himself and move at super fast speeds! He makes being a ninja sound super cool, like the broadcasts on the radio.
Mother nods, making soft sounds of acknowledgement. Mhm-ing and Ahh-ing as she writes my questions down, "Anything else?"
"Mhm! Tell them I'm going to be a super strong shinobi just like them!" I say, "There was something on the radio today. A recruitment drive. When I enroll in the Academy, I'm going to send you all of my stipend so you can buy Kaika-nee a new kimono. And so you can fix that leaky part of the roof."
Mother drops her pencil. Kaika stops sewing. Hatsuga gets up. Moe lets out a little bubbling cough that gradually grows louder. Soon after, they all go back to what they were doing before. Kaika goes back to sewing. Hatsuga goes back to playing with Moe and trying to get her to fall asleep.
"W-well." Mother's hands start shaking as she picks up the pencil with her thin fingers, "That's a very nice thought. But you don't have to-"
"Nope," I say, "I promised Hisao and Daiki."
"Hey c'mere," Mother presses the pencil into my hands. I grip it tightly with my fingers instead of my fists. I've been practicing with a small stick with Hisao and Daiki. To my surprise Daiki knows how to write, so he's been teaching me some too, "I'll teach you how to write our family name now." She guides my hand across the bottom of the letter and proceeds to write.
"See this?" Mother says, pointing at the first kanji that she'd written, "This means spring. Haru." Then at the second half, "And this means field. No. This is your name. Did you get it?"
I nod and I try my best to copy what she wrote on the other letter, sticking my tongue out in absolute concentration as I move the pencil in very delicate strokes. "Ha. Ru. No. To. Ru. Haruno Toru." I had written my first name in katakana instead. Mother hasn't taught me how to write my name in kanji. Yet.
"Let's go post these at the post office tomorrow." She pats my head and smiles. There's a hint of sadness in her eyes. At that time I didn't know why.