The lump in Leah's throat isn't going away, even after the tenth time she swallows around it. The Father's hovering. He's been doing so over the last two hours. Every step Leah takes has been thought over a hundred times. He usually brings a calming presence wherever he goes, and he isn't particularly doing anything, but Leah's buzzing at this point.
A groan from the curtain to her right. Then a strangled breath, someone croaking out. White dots dance behind her eyes, they're too dry, even after squeezing them for what feels like the hundredth time.
The IV beside Faith's bed is a little more than half empty. She has maybe another 20 minutes. 20 minutes before Leah has to give her the final go ahead, then she'll be gone. Her heart can't tell her if she's glad or not. Faith's eyes stopped following her two days after she started giving her the Scopolamine, to Leah, there is no difference between the Faith right now and the one that she met in Jacob's bedroom. Her small frame sits on the edge of the bed, now dressed in a knitted sweater and jeans, while the last of the IV empties into her system.
The Father seems as content as ever, it seemed that his mood only lightened the further down Faith went. Strings of low hums from his voice had become routine to Leah these last few days, they still float around her ears right now, even though she's not sure if the Father is really talking or if it's just the echo in her brain.
The universe is shifting around Leah lately, her perception is skewed. Or so she thinks. It's hard to tell if the stimuli around her are being properly received by her mind or if they really vibrate on a different frequency. Everything just seems...off.
Her eyes dart to Steph's hunched back in the supply room, little rustles from whatever she's fidgeting with in the box on the floor are the only noise she emits. She's muted. Floating around like a ghost on the ward, never really touching or doing anything with vigour or force anymore. When the ice pack for Connor landed on the floor yesterday after the fifth time Leah flinched because Steph was just so god damn quiet all the time, that's only when she noticed it. The absence of words, the little grunts she makes when tearing something open are gone, even the soles of her shoes are quiet when she walks. Her question if she's alright was dismissed with a wave and a smile that was too bright, yet the corners of Steph's eyes stayed smooth, the usual crinkles nowhere to be seen.
Leah swallows around the lump again. 15 Minutes. Something heavy settles in her stomach at another groan to her right. The small sliver of hope to delay the final check up by busying herself with Connor is foolish, she knows it. There's no way around it, even if she refused to clear Faith, she wouldn't stay here. The Father's eyes gleam with anticipation, they have been doing so since the first rays of light cracked through the blanket of grey clouds.
And yet, she gets up, the curtain gives way easily under her hand and slides back into place just as quickly.
He's on his side, his thin blanket quivering with the small tremors shooting throughout his body. Mouth slack and eyes missing any sort of gleam under his heavy lids, flat breaths leave his mouth in a constant back and forth. He's worse than Stephanie was. Tenfold. Leah's never heard of a case of a patient dying that hadn't had any sort of previous issue. Yet her brows furrow in worry every time she sees Connor. At this point she's just treating symptoms, anything to make Connor feel a little better. The corner filled with antibiotics in the supply room is empty, the wood of the shelf stared at Leah when she wanted to fetch a dose for Connor, the flecks of dust mocking her. Stephanie blew through the supply faster than they could restock, a few other infections of various patients used up the last remnants of what they had. She will never get used to not having everything at her fingertips, it's the single most painful feeling that hits her in the gut each time it happens. The word 'sacrifice' echoes in her mind, not really a conscious thought, the word just rears its head more often lately.
Measuring his temperature seems unnecessary, the collar of his shirt still clings to his body, the sheen on his forehead never quite going away. His lids open the tiniest bit more when Leah puts her hand on his forehead anyways, the contact pulls him back into reality. She has to swallow twice as Connor's eyes cling to hers, so empty and desperate at the same time, he's looking into her, trying to decipher anything about his situation, but Leah knows her face doesn't convey anything positive. Her voice only manages to be a whisper as she speaks.
"Can you lay on your back?"
His eyes close again, for 2, maybe 3 seconds he stills, pulling the last remnants of strength out of every corner in his body. Leah pulls at his shoulders to help him.
Connor's chest rises rapidly, mouth dropping open again to get more air into his lungs. Her heart clenches at the visual. He seemed unshakeable, so utterly steadfast and strong. His sizable arms are crossed over his chest as he shakes, clutching something invisible, like a child would their teddy bear. The thick blanket Leah pulls over him eases his shaking fit, his eyes close again when she tucks it under his back and his feet. If he weren't so sick it would look comical, he's too tall for the bed, his toes bump the bedframe everytime he shifts around, but the smile stays absent from her face. The groan he lets out as his legs start shaking again wipes all the humour that Leah has from her body.
The cold washcloth she wipes over his forehead is a drop on a hot stone, the relief is only slightly visible on his face as she sits beside him. A quick glance to her watch makes her reach over to the bottle of Ibuprofen sitting on the bedside table. The glass of water beside it is untouched, Leah makes a mental note to set up an IV for fluids.
The rattling of the pills makes Connor crack open his eyes, already shaking his head.
"Don't, please don't make me-" he breaks off, face contorted in pain from the scratching in his throat as he speaks.
Leah's features soften, a sigh leaving her. She can't force him, but his fever needs managing, and he'll feel better.
"Please Connor, it'll help."
His eyes don't go wide, he doesn't hush her. Leah doesn't even realize she said his name at first, but she'll be damned if she starts calling him Chosen when he's in this state before her.
He shakes his head with more vigour, trying to speak again.
"I can't- uh- I can't swallow-"
Another sigh from Leah. Faith's probably finished any minute now, but she won't be excommunicated if she'll crush the Ibuprofen for Connor before checking her.
Being around Connor and Leah bumping into people seems to be connected, she can almost taste the blood running down her face again, as her knees and chest bump into a very startled Stephanie behind the curtain. Their noses would've connected if Stephanie didn't jump back in an instant, eyes wide in horror.
She only nods when Leah asks her if she's okay, quickly hurrying somewhere into the back of the room. Steph's eyes were so wide and horrified that Leah's sure that she has something on her face, her hand running over it in agreement.
"Leah."
All the movement in her body comes to an abrupt halt before she can take another step. Another second and the freezing feeling spreading through her limbs turns warm when she recognizes the voice of Jacob and not the Father's. The latter is still here though and staring at her pointedly. Oh god his stare is scorching at this point, she knows why. Jacob will have to wait.
His face doesn't move when she lifts her hand and silently points to the curtain Connor is behind and back to the pill bottle in her hand.
Neither of the two have moved an inch when Leah emerges from the supply room, a syringe filled with milky liquid in hand. Blood is rushing in her ears when she glances over to the IV bag. The visual is blocked by the curtain again. But it doesn't stay closed for long as Jacob slips in behind her. His hand comes to rest on her lower back as he steps up to the bed beside her. She fears for her body tensing up involuntarily but no such thing happens and Jacob checks in with her through a look. A small smile from her and the hand stays.
"Jesus, he looks like shit."
Connor's back asleep again, the small interaction with Leah must've exhausted the last of his strength. Leah's elbow hits Jacobs ribs a little harder than expected, he doesn't flinch though. A small laugh rumbes through him at her feeble attempt to scold him for his comment. There's a tug at the corners of her mouth, she can't help it, Jacob's laugh reaches her ears so rarely.
"I like your laugh."
It slips out before her brain really connects to her mouth and she immediately presses her lips together when his fingers lightly scratch over her scrubs at her compliment.
"Do you now?"
She elbows him in the ribs again for his smart mouth, and he laughs again. She wants the ground to swallow her whole. But before that happens, she puts a hand on Connor's shoulder to stop any other fluffy shenanigans to occur. He stirrs, but his eyes don't open. She shakes him a few times, still nothing.
"Can you open your mouth?", Leah says as she bends down to him.
A small noise leaves him as his mouth drops open. This angle won't work though. She bends down further and Jacob's hand slips from her back. With her hand on the back of his head helping him lift it, she brings the syringe to his mouth. His forehead wrinkles as the liquid enters his mouth, he coughs as Leah empties the syringe.
Before she sets his head back down she grabs the glass of water and brings it to his lips. His eyes finally crack open as he feels the cold glass. He shakes his head as he looks at her, the same desperation as before in his eyes.
"Just one sip, helps with the awful taste. Come on Connor."
Connor shakes his head again and Leah sighs. At this rate, she's sure the curtain's going to be drawn again and she won't like what waits behind it. So she lifts his head a little higher and just starts tipping the glass. Jacob lets out a small huff behind her as Connor groans. She stops after the second time Connor reluctantly swallows, it's all just for his own good, but there's no need to be cruel.
By the time Leah sets down the glass and swipes the washcloth over his forehead again, he's back asleep. She pulls the blanket up to his shoulders again and stands back up.
"Will you ever take care of me like that when I get sick?", Jacob whispers before pressing two long kisses onto her temple.
Leah leans into him as his arm comes around her shoulder. She tries to crane her neck up to look at him but his arm around her pulls her into his chest before she can answer. She mumbles into his shirt anyways.
"Have I not taken care of you in the past?"
Another kiss, on the top of her head this time. Leah has a hard time processing all of the affection Jacob shows her.
"Of course you have angel.", he murmurs into her hair.
The memories from that night flood back to her. The first time he had mumbled something on the top of her head. The distinct smell of a certain yellow antiseptic is absent though.
As always, her serenity is interrupted as a voice calls her name. She peels herself away from Jacob, very reluctantly some might add, and steps out from behind the curtain.
"Yes Father?"
"I think it's time now, my child."
The time he's spent on the ward in the last few days has allowed Leah to read the Father a bit better. Although he is the vessel through which the Voice speaks, he is still a human. Curious, sometimes overbearing and too brash but also impatient. The latter shines through the cracks in his facade the smallest bit right now. His hands are folded in front of him, his hands are a little too cramped, knuckles a little too white for him to be truly as relaxed as he tries to let on. Leah still hasn't figured out why the Father seems so overly eager to take Faith with him, her mind can't come up with a feasible explanation. Then again, she doesn't know anything about Faith, people are so tightlipped about her, not even the locals in Eden's Gate tell her anything besides that Faith hails out of Hope County.
Said girl makes no noise when Leah pulls the needle from the back of her hand, not a single muscle in her face even moves. Her blood pressure is low, no surprise there. The stethoscope on her chest only transmits a shallow heartbeat, a perfect reflection of Faith herself. There's no depth behind her eyes, nothing to look into, the pale green seems murky. The smile from just before is gone from Leah's face, her lips are nothing more than a thin line as she feels the Father watching her. Leah pulls the sweater up Faith's back, the stethoscope slides over ridges of bone in a desperate attempt to keep Faith around for just a second longer. Something climbs up Leah's thoat. The same shallowness resounds in Faith's lungs, although it's just that. Breath. No rattling, no noise that shouldn't be there.
The knot in her chest bursts when she turns around towards the supply room. Her eyes are prickling, all the blinking she does helps nothing. A quick swipe over her eyes with her arm before she turns around. Rattling bottles are handed over quickly before she has to turn around again, but the Father pays her no mind. His hands roam over Faith's shoulders while helping her up, his eyes are so tied up by her that he doesn't even shoot Leah a glance when they exit and he tells her he'll thank her later. Faith exits the ward with no words spoken.
Leah's breath shakes in her chest, her pulse is rivaling the speed of fluttering hummingbird wings. Why does she feel so incredibly bad leaving the young woman in the hands of the Father? Is he not their saviour? The one that will lead them all out of harm's way and into the light? Why are Leah's bones creaking with the feeling that she just sent Faith down a dark path? Yet again does she try to hammer it into her head that the Father knows best until the world around her blurs.
Waves of selfishness and something sinister rolled off the Father as he stood over her, eyes transfixed onto the fallen face and empty eyes. Talking more and more of him into her .
Did Faith even register any of it? Does she know where she's going and what she's supposed to be doing?
A shadow on the floor to her right. She didn't even ask Jacob what he was doing here in the first place. He should be in the Armory. She doesn't want to look at him right now, a streak is already running down her cheek.
"Leah."
A hand on her shoulder. The world lights up a bit. Wait no, that's the lights being turned on. When did it get dark beyond the window to her left? Her reflection looks at her, his form bends over to her side, his face trying to follow hers that has turned away. The ache in her jaw is getting worse, she feels her teeth scraping over each other.
"Come on."
A hand on her back, pushing this time.
For all the weird behaviour Stephanie has shown the last few days, the look that she gives Leah is one thing: knowing. Her soft eyes follow her when she exits the ward, Jacob right behind her. More wet spots form on her shirt sleeve as her arm sweeps across her face. People fly past her, everything is a blur behind the liquid curtain over her eyes. A sob has yet to leave her, the tears just silently roll down her cheeks.
She sniffles for the first time as the heavy wooden door closes behind her. His hand pushes her again towards the crisp white linen. The down blanket puffs under her weight, and does so again as Jacob sits beside her.
Jacob mirrors her sigh, swiping a thumb across her cheek. For the second time today she thinks about that night. How she sat before him as she came apart at the seams, she's afraid it'll happen again.
"What's on your mind?"
A tear leaves a circle on the navy fabric of her pants as her head hangs low to hide the ironic smile on her lips.
She wants to tell Jacob everything and nothing at the same time. Tell him how she's having second thoughts at what she's doing here, how she got a young woman off of drugs and then straight back onto them. Tell him how his brother was the one to encourage her to do it, how she can't fathom Joseph to be their saviour and yet making her do this. Dr. Connors told her back when she left that he would get into her head, turn her inside out and then throw her away when she wasn't of use anymore. Leah didn't believe her, she still doesn't think that.
But still.
Sacrifice means doing everything that is necessary, sacrifice means to give yourself up for the cause. For the longest time it felt natural to just do what she did, she never had to force herself to do anything. This was different. Joseph has challenged her deepest core, the very thing that makes her.
"I solemnly pledge myself before God and in the presence of this assembly to pass my life in purity and to practice my profession faithfully. I will abstain from whatever is deleterious and mischievous and will not take or knowingly administer any harmful drug."
The last of her resolve cracks when Jacob's hand swipes over her back. Her sobs are small and quiet at first, but the dam is cracking under the pressure. Jacob's boots clank on the floor as he unceremoniously swipes off his feet to sit against the headboard, pulling Leah along with him. The skin on his neck glistens with her tears as she burrows her head into him.
Whereas back then they were still separated by something between them, not one of them daring to move out their chairs, only sharing fleeting and shy touches as Leah broke and mended right before him. There's no such thing now. He pulls her onto his lap, tucking her knees right beside him. Everything in Leah's body pulls toward him.
Safe. Warm. Home.
His arms are hesitant at first, only a ghost of an embrace. Only when Leah's own loop around his neck, desperately holding onto him as she trembles, does he realize that she demands help. Just for once she lets go completely, for once she surrenders herself, only his presence would ever allow the idea of it into her mind.
She allows herself to feel small as he rocks her back and forth, occasionally cooing at her when her sobs start to quiet down a bit.
When only heavy breaths are leaving Leah does he stop rocking her. She wants to sit here forever and just let them fuse together. Nothing has ever made more sense in her life than laying in Jacob's arms as he comforts her. The man she thought untouchable and cold.
"Don't stop please."
The rumble in his chest and subsequent continuation of his movement fill even more of her cracks with what feels like liquid copper. She has no perception of time, as the minutes tick by and Jacob's forehead comes to rest on her shoulder, the warmth of a heavy sigh grazing her chest. For some reason, Leah assumes that he needs this as much as she does.
Her own arms wind tighter when his head turns towards her, burrowing his face in her neck just as she had a moment before. Both pairs of hands almost claw at each other's bodies to get even closer to one another and Leah almost starts crying again as Jacob rubs his face on her skin.
"I know it's rough angel, it hurts seein' you like this."
Another tear runs down Leah's cheek. Knowing that Jacob might not actually know what's causing her distress but he sees her is enough for her.
She buries all of it for the sake of her own sanity. For Jacob's sake. Everything is bigger than her, if she won't do it for herself, it's going to be for Jacob.
She would gaze down into the fiery pits of hell if it means he will be by her side.
"Stay here. Please."
She slumps into him. A hundred possibilities flood her mind, it wanders back to Connor, to Stephanie, but for now- for once, she'll be selfish. She deserves to be held, deserves to feel safe after all that has happened up to this point.
"Sure."
His head snaps up, someone much different is staring at her. Soft features of a young man that's excited, giddy even with the prospect of her sleeping over. No trace of the scarred vet is present, just glistening eyes that come closer as he presses a haste kiss on the corner of her mouth.
A few moments later, legs tangle under the sheets and her heartbeat matches his as it vaguely thumps in her ear under his ribs. She struggles against the sleep pulling her under, every waking moment that she has needs to be used to burn this moment in time into her mind. His belt pressing into her abdomen because both didn't bother to take any of their clothes off, the light scratching on her scalp as he rakes his hand through her hair. It all needs to be burned into her mind and take the place of all the dark memories in her head.
Leah falls asleep on Jacob's chest that night. Jacob never tells her how he looked at her for another two hours before closing his own eyes, falling into the deepest sleep he's had ever since he left the dreaded house in Rome, Georgia.