I know, I know - I promise to update more quickly and then nothing happens for a month. However, we're slowly getting to the good/ugly/interesting stuff, and I'm really trying to write more quickly.
As always, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful reviews, I truly appreciate them even if I cannot reach out to the guest reviewers directly.
March 2005
"Addie, we're having a picnic, we're not moving out of the house," Derek joked as he saw the two bags, the picnic blanket, and his wife's jacket at the bottom of the stairs.
"Hahaha, Derek," the redhead commented sarcastically. "I know you and Mark think it's perfectly fine to just bring a baseball and two gloves, sit on the grass, and go for ice cream when you get hungry, but this is not how we will be doing things." She looked at the bags again, mentally going through the list of things she still needed to pack. "Also, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but your wife's coloring is very much prone to getting sunburned, so I need the sunscreen and the hat and whatever. Anyways, I think we have everything we need, so we can go now."
"Hallelujah," Derek muttered under his breath as the took the two bags, leaving the blanket to Addison. They went to their picnic spot in the Park on foot, enjoying the bright spring sun that shone down on them. They were just done spreading the blanket and setting up their things when Mark and Annie arrived, the latter riding on her father's shoulders and waving at them enthusiastically.
"Hello Shepherds," Mark called out, carefully setting down his daughter.
"Hi Aunt Addie, hi Uncle Derek," she greeted with a broad smile. "Uncle Derek, Daddy said we're going to play the best game ever!"
Derek nodded heartily, an easy grin on his face as he pulled his old baseball glove and a ball out of one of the bags. "Yeah, we're going to throw a couple of balls."
"And then we'll enroll you in a Little League team," Mark agreed, tickling the toddler. "And when you're all grown up, you're going to work for the Yankees."
Annie beamed. "Because we only like them, not the red people," she added earnestly, looking to her father for confirmation.
"She means the Red Sox," Mark explained seriously. "We're getting there, Shep," he added as his best friend burst out laughing. "She's missed three years of early childhood baseball conditioning, you don't catch up on that overnight. Also, I have to teach her how to hate the Mets and the Red Sox simultaneously, which isn't as easy as it sounds when she hears all this 'love everybody' crap in daycare all day long!"
"Glad to know that you've got your priorities straight," Derek commented, still laughing as Addison sent both of them disapproving glances from where she was sitting on the blanket.
"No worries, Red, I'll tell her that the Red Sox have nothing to do with you," Mark joked as he caught her glares, pulling on a strand of her hair playfully.
"You better hope that girl still makes friends once she starts school," Addie threatened seriously. "If she refuses to speak to any child whose parents don't cheer for the Yankees, or God forbid are from Boston, she's not going to have many social contacts."
Mark snorted. "I'll have you know I was very popular all throughout my school years – still am I'd say – so if she's anything like me, she'll be fine."
"If she's anything like you, she'll end up in something like the eternal bromance you have going on with my husband," Addison teased with a smile as she looked from one to the other.
"Aww, but you love us," Derek answered also smiling as he leant down to kiss her soundly on the lips.
"Yeah, yeah," the redhead mumbled. "Go corrupt the toddler with your baseball thing," she shooed them off before she lay back, fishing a medical journal out of one of her bags. She pretended to read but gave up a couple of pages into a new study on pancreatic cancer and instead opted to observe Mark how he tried to teach Annie to throw the baseball to Derek. He was kneeling behind her, carefully guiding her arm through the motion. After the third time Annie shook him off, going through the movements alone.
"Daddy, did you see?" she asked excitedly as Derek dove to get the ball just before it could touch the ground a couple of feet in front of him.
"I did," Mark said proudly as he picked her up, twirling her around once before he set her down on her feet again.
"Now you!" Annie commanded as Derek threw the ball back to them.
"Are you ready, Shep?" He asked when his friend ran back. Derek nodded, easily catching Mark's ball before he passed it back to him.
"That was far," Annie said admiringly as she reached for the baseball again, concentrating hard before she pitched the ball back in Derek's direction, increasing her range somewhat. They continued their little game for some time before the toddler grew exhausted, her motions becoming more sluggish.
"Are you tired, honey?" Addison asked as she saw her yawning. Annie nodded. "You want to come over here and nap a little with me?" The toddler nodded again before she looked up to her father.
"Don't worry about me, sweetheart," Mark said easily. "You go keep Aunt Addie company and I'll continue playing some more with Uncle Derek, alright?"
Satisfied that her father apparently wouldn't be lonely without her, the little girl scampered off to Addison's side, lying down on the blanket next to the redhead. Addie covered her with her jacket to keep her from getting cold as Annie snuggled into her side, then she turned back to her medical journal. In the background she could hear Derek and Mark joke and laugh like they had when the three of them had come out here back in med school.
She sighed a little. Carefree med school weekends seemed so long ago now, especially with all the things that had happened recently. Over the past couple of weeks, she had wondered more and more often if all the things, all their missed opportunities – Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, all these days when they didn't even see each other outside of the hospital – if that meant they were heading towards the end, that this was it for her marriage. But then there were days like this, when life was still seemingly perfect, and she hoped they could get through this crisis. She couldn't ignore that these days had become few and far in between, though.
She had read most of the articles she was interested in when Mark and Derek jogged back over to her, big grins on their faces. Mark sat down on Annie's other side, trying to catch a glance of the food in Addison's bags as Derek completed his stretches.
"There's a cooler bag with bagels and cream cheese and some knives in there, and then another smaller cooler bag with some fruit cups and forks," Addison said with an amused grin, obviously aware of what he was trying to figure out.
"Bagels and fruit – I don't know, that sounds kind of girly, Red," he mumbled sarcastically.
She raised one eyebrow challengingly. "Oh, there was confusion about my gender? So glad we could clear that up for you, Mark," she drawled. "What is manly picnic food anyways? A hotdog from the next street corner?"
Mark looked quite happy with that idea. "Fine, you and Derek can go eat your junk food," she said then. "But you better wait until Annie is up again so that you can get her some ice cream on the way back."
"Didn't you say something about not wanting to buy ice cream?" Derek questioned.
"Yes, for you, darling," she retorted sarcastically. "You're over thirty-five, Derek, you don't have the metabolism of a teenage boy anymore," she stated dryly as Mark started laughing at this best friend's expense. "Don't look so happy either, mister, you're gaining some weight over your six-pack, too."
Now it was Derek's turn to grin at Mark. "Alright, we'll have some healthy stuff first before we go get the street food, but I'm drawing the line at this weird green juice thing you've got going on," Derek agreed before he added, "humans aren't supposed to eat green stuff, otherwise we'd be cows and eat grass all day long."
"Is that your medical opinion, Shep? Because if it is, I'm glad you're only cutting into heads and nowhere else," Mark jested, reaching for the cooler bag with the bagels. "Who's going to rouse the dragon?" he then asked with a glance at his daughter.
Addison shook her head but had to smile at their antics as she started to caress Annie's hair to wake the toddler.
"Mommy?" the little girl mumbled as she stretched, squeezing her eyes shut. "Mommy," she repeated more firmly as she turned towards the redhead, "want to sleep, I don't want to get up!"
Addison hesitated a moment, looking first at Mark and then at Derek who seemed as shell-shocked as she felt. "I'm sorry, honey, but naptime is over," she answered then, trying to keep her voice level.
"Hey, Annie," Mark said suddenly, reaching out to take his daughter, "we're in the park having a picnic. Do you want to eat something? Aunt Addie brought bagels and the fruit things you like," he tried to overcome the awkwardness that had settled over them.
Annie looked a little broodingly from her father to Addie and then back to her father again before she nodded. "I want a fruit cup, please," she grumbled.
"See, Red, I told you fruit cups are a girly food," Mark tried to joke.
"Well, Annie and I are girls, but I think we've been at this point in the conversation already today," she teased back. "Derek, come join us," she said, patting the empty space on the blanket next to her.
Derek nodded and sat down, still tracking Annie's movements with his eyes, trying to analyze the interactions between his wife, his best friend, and the little girl.
Addison nudged him with her shoulder, handing him a sesame bagel. "Eat your bagel, Derek, and stop pulling such a face, you can go get your hotdog in a second."
They ate in silence, the atmosphere slowly getting more carefree again as their mood ticked back up. After the healthier part of their lunch was over, they packed up their bags and made their way over to a kiosk, Addison walking ahead with the toddler whilst Mark and Derek carried their belongings and brought up the rear.
"Hi, we'll have two hotdogs and two cherry popsicles, please," she told the elderly man behind the counter, giving him a smile. The man grinned back at her before he first handed her the hotdogs which she passed on to the men behind her and then took two popsicles out of the freezer.
"I've got it, Addie," she heard both Mark and Derek say behind her.
"Well," the redhead told the man conspiratorially, "that means that I'm allowed to pay for myself today," she grinned as she handed the man a ten-dollar-bill. She grabbed a couple of tissues in expectation of the mess that was likely to follow as she opened the wrapping of Annie's popsicle for the toddler before she started eating her own. "Let's go over to that bench," she said then, pointing to one of the benches next to a little lake.
She took Annie on her lap, softly resting her chin on the crown of the little girl's head between bites of her popsicle as she observed the people around them. Most of them were families enjoying the first really nice spring day out in the park but there were some couples as well as a few bigger groups of students mingling between them, too.
"I do love this day," she sighed contently as she enjoyed the sun on her face.
"You've got to be careful," Derek teased her gently, "if I bring you home with freckles in your face your mother will kill me for having ruined your high-class Greenwich pallor."
"As if Bizzy would do that herself," Mark joined him, "she'd tell Susan who will hire the hitman for her."
"Who says Bizzy has never seen me with freckles? The Captain used to take me out sailing and I'd come back sunburned and with freckles," Addison added jokingly. "I don't know what he had to do to get my nannies not to tell Bizzy."
"Well, I'm pretty sure we all know what exactly the Captain did," Mark said wiggling his eyebrows.
"Uh, you're disgusting, Mark, that's my father we're talking about," she replied without missing a beat. She gently cleaned Annie's hands of the residues of her ice pop when she was done eating before she set the little girl down. All three of them watched her as she curiously walked closer to the water, observing the ducks and the other kids around her before they took up their conversation again, one eye on the toddler.
"Alright, Shepherds, this was lovely," Mark announced sometime later, stretching his legs as he got up from the bench, "but I think it's time that I get the little Miss home and get us some dinner." He called Annie back over to them before he gave Derek a manly hug and kissed Addison's cheek.
Annie waved at Derek before she hugged Addie who'd leaned down to her.
"Bye, mommy," she said happily before she noticed the surprised stares of the adults. "Aunt Addie," she corrected then, not sounding quite as happy anymore.
"Bye, baby," Addie answered, her voice giving away her nervousness as she regarded the toddler before she kissed the crown of her head. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Annie nodded when she went back to Mark, letting him pick her up. He gave the Shepherds one last nod before he made his way towards one of the exits leading towards the Upper East Side, thinking about how he could bring up the Addison-issue to Annie without spooking her. Before he could say anything, however, the toddler beat him to the punch.
"Daddy?" she asked, her voice higher than usual. "Why is Aunt Addie not my mommy?"
"Oh, sweetheart," he mumbled feeling at a loss for words. Back in September and October when she'd just come to live with him, she'd asked about her mother. He'd explained in very general terms to her that her mother couldn't come back to her, that she was living with the angels in the clouds. At the time he'd thought he'd done a decent job of clarifying that her mother loved her but couldn't be with her anymore, but now he had to wonder if he'd missed something.
"You have a mommy, Annie," he answered gently, stroking her back softly to lessen the blow somewhat. "She just can't be here with you anymore. Your mommy was in an accident, and she passed away, but she loved you so much."
Annie stared at him sadly, tears gathering in her big brown eyes. "But I want Aunt Addie to be my mommy! Why can't she be my mommy?"
"Honey, Aunt Addie is going to be there for you always," Mark replied as he wiped her tears away with the thumb of one hand. "And she loves you a lot, even if she isn't your mom."
Annie was silent for some time, only sniffling a little before her cries turned into hiccups.
"Annie," he asked suddenly, "do you remember your mom?"
"Mommy is in the photo," the toddler answered quietly, referring to a picture of the two of them that he'd had framed for her room.
He nodded. "Yes, she is."
"Mommy brought me to daycare and to the playground," Annie said then. "And she did my hair. Like the other mommies."
Mark stopped short, a sinking feeling spreading through his stomach. He was sure that Annie's mother had done most if not all of these things for his daughter, even if he wasn't quite sure if Annie had been enrolled in daycare when Madeline had still been alive. However, these were also all things that Addison did for her on a more or less daily basis. He swallowed. How much of Madeline did Annie even remember, and how much of the things Addison did with her did she project onto her mother?
"But Aunt Addie brings me to daycare now," Annie continued, confirming his suspicions. "And she watches me at ballet. She says I'm way better than the others!" she exclaimed, trying to imitate the redhead's tone of voice.
"Oh, Annie," he said again as he thought about how to explain the situation to her. "You know how Aunt Addie is one of my best friends?" Annie nodded. "And Aunt Addie loves you, but she is married to Uncle Derek, and they might have their own kids sometime," he explained gently. "And then she's going to be their mommy." He wasn't sure he'd done a particularly good job at clearing up all the social and emotional relationships that were woven into this complicated web that Annie was at the center of.
"But why can't you have kids with Aunt Addie?" Annie asked earnestly. "Then you can be their daddy, and Aunt Addie can be my mommy."
"Oh, honey, it doesn't work that way," Mark replied softly, feeling uncomfortably reminded of the brief phantasies of the three of them together that he'd entertained over the last few months.
"Because Aunt Addie is married to Uncle Derek?" the little girl wanted to know.
Mark nodded. "Yeah, sweetheart. And Uncle Derek really wants to have kids with Aunt Addie."
"But what about me?" Annie questioned in a small voice. "Does Aunt Addie not want me?"
"Oh, she does, sweetheart, but you can't just call her mommy," he replied as he caressed her hair again, holding her a little more tightly.
Annie sighed, sounding so impossibly sad that it nearly tore his heart apart. "Okay," the toddler mumbled then. "Will Aunt Addie still come get me at daycare tomorrow? And go to ballet with me?"
"Of course, sweetheart," he assured her right away, glad that this particular crisis had been averted. Maybe he should look for a long-term girlfriend, someone like Addie so that his daughter could have a mother again. The mere thought caused him a headache, though, and somehow he didn't think Annie would tolerate a wannabe-Addison any better than he would.
He sighed. Maybe he just needed to accept that they'd be own their own and move on.
**\\*/ *** \\*/**
"Are you okay, Addie?" Derek asked carefully as they slowly walked back to the brownstone. His wife had been nearly silent since Mark and Annie had left them at the bench in Central Park, her eyes somewhere far away.
"Yeah," Addison answered noncommittally, her voice monotone. Her thoughts circled around the moment when Annie had called her mommy again, this time completely awake so that there was no mistaking her intentions. She had been shocked, her insides scrunching up and her heart skipping a beat. But then there had been this feeling – this indescribable feeling – and suddenly Annie had been so much dearer to her than she'd been even before, and all she wanted was to fold the toddler up in her arms and never let her go.
Why hadn't she said anything? Why hadn't she told Annie that she'd love to be her mom, be there for her every step of the way?
"Addie," Derek said again.
"I'm sorry," she told him with a small smile. "I'm just distracted tonight."
"Yeah, so I see," Derek joked as he transferred the two bags into one hand to put an arm around her waist. He pulled her to him, pressing a brief kiss to her cheek. "Do you have a busy day tomorrow?" he wanted to know.
"Just two scheduled c-sections so far, but as you know, babies are on their own schedule, so we'll see what else there's going to be," she replied a little more easily. "Do you have time for lunch tomorrow?"
"Probably not," Derek answered apologetically. "I'm meeting the Chief during lunch time to talk about a couple of projects I have in mind for the neuro department. I've also found some good co-authors for the Alzheimer's trial, now I just need to secure the funding."
"Well, just keep in mind that your wife needs you to not take all the funding away from obstetrics and neonatal," she teased him as she leaned her head against his shoulder, enjoying their closeness. "I might just take Annie out of daycare for lunch then, maybe Mark is around too," she came back to her original question.
"About Annie," he began cautiously. "She seems pretty fixated on you."
"Mm, not fixated, I'd say," Addison replied. "I just spend a lot of time with her."
Derek raised an eyebrow, looking at her unbelievingly. "She called you mommy today, twice," he pointed out.
"Annie just misses her mother," she forced herself to rationalize the little girl's words. "She's been gone for a little more than half a year now, that can't be easy."
"You don't seem to mind too much," he pointed out then.
Addison just shrugged. "Why would I? I love her, and that doesn't change whether she calls me Aunt Addie or Mommy. If it makes you feel better, though, I'm pretty sure Mark is going to explain the situation to her," she added, suddenly convinced that this was probably the last time the toddler would call her mommy. Maybe it was for the best, although she truly couldn't see how it would be.
"Well, what does that mean?" Derek asked as he opened the door to the brownstone.
"What do you mean?" she asked back.
Her husband shrugged. "What does it mean for us? Where are we on our own kids?"
"Derek," she said hesitantly. "I am not sure if I – we – I am ready for kids," she stumbled a little over her words.
Derek shook his head. "You have Mark's kid calling you mommy and you don't freak out, you're more than ready," he told her with a smile, putting his hands around her waist to pull her closer to him.
"But how would we manage everything?" Addison asked. "I don't know if I would be able to juggle work, Annie, and another baby."
He looked at her a little put out. "Why do you care so much about Mark's kid when it comes to this? He can just hire a nanny when he has to be in the OR all the time, you don't need to take care of his daughter."
"Because I love that girl," the redhead answered forcefully. How could she even begin to think about another child – another baby – when Annie was all she wanted right now.
Derek clenched his teeth, trying hard to stay calm. "I know you play an important role in Annie's life right now, but at some point Mark's going to find somebody, or he's just going to hire a freaking nanny, and she'll take over your part."
"Well, what do you suggest we will do then with our child?" Addison questioned. "We both spend almost all of our time in the OR, and you want to do your Alzheimer's study, so when would we have time for a child? I don't want them to be raised by nannies."
"You're making time for Mark's kid right now, why not for our own child?" he inquired. Addison didn't answer as she turned her head to the side, not looking him into the eyes anymore. "And you promised we'd start trying in the spring," he reminded her of her Thanksgiving compromise as he placed little kisses along her carotid artery.
He sought out her mouth with his, stealing her breath as his tongue caressed her lower lip. Slowly he steered them towards the stairs as he picked up his wife, carrying her up to the master bedroom.
"Derek," she said suddenly, her voice quiet. "We have to talk about this. I don't think I want a baby right now. We're not there yet –"
"Addie," he replied firmly as he set her down on her feet in front of their bed. "You promised, you cannot keep holding out on me like that."
"But I –" she started again.
He shook his head. "I don't say we have to start fertility treatments and get you pregnant tomorrow." She looked vaguely irritated at that, but he chose to ignore that for a second. "I'm just saying stop taking the pill and we might be a little more strategic about when to have sex in the future, and then we'll see where that takes us."
He kissed her again and she found herself giving in, even as her brain was telling her that they hadn't actually resolved any of the obvious issues, and that this was setting a dangerous precedent. But then again, when was he ever at home to strategically have sex for a couple of days? she thought uncharitably.
"Addie," he breathed against her collarbone as he pulled her polo shirt over her head, his hands moving to the button of her pants. Within seconds they were both in their underwear and she lay back on their bed, putting her arms around her husband's neck as he opened her bra.
She let her mind go blank for a couple of beats. Sex had never been their problem and even with a black baby cloud hanging over her head she could admit that she'd missed being close to her husband in this way.
Sometime later they were lying next to each other on the king-sized mattress, their skin still sweaty.
"That was good, wasn't it?" Derek asked her with a boyish grin. She just nodded, a smile forming on her lips. "And I mean it wouldn't be such a hardship to just keep doing that, right?" he continued. "I mean, just imagine. A little girl with your red hair and your mouth and your ears, and my eyes and my nose, and maybe a little boy with my hair."
"So now we're up to two kids already," she tried to joke, even as she felt the heaviness settle back over her. "You do know that your son could end up looking exactly like Archer and the Captain, though?"
"As long as that's the only thing he gets from the Montgomery line," he joked.
"You are aware that the potential mother of your potential children is a Montgomery, too? And Archie really isn't so bad if you'd just give him a chance," she said a little snappishly.
"Sure," he said noncommittally. "Let's get away from the Montgomerys and back to our future kids, though," he changed the topic again. He continued to paint a picture of their future family as she slowly drifted off to sleep. In her head she didn't see little redheaded or black-haired children, though. They weren't even strawberry blonde miniatures of her father and her brother. Instead, she saw little Annie, followed by a boy who shared his sister's coloring and features.
Her heart constricted as the details of her fantasy became clearer and Mark stepped up behind his two children. He reached out a hand to her to pull her to him, kissing her on the lips before he turned back to the kids, swinging Annie up onto his shoulders as he'd done this morning. The little boy held tightly onto her leg until she picked him up and placed him on her hip, dropping a kiss to the top of his dark blonde head.
"Addie," Derek's voice entered the last vestiges of her consciousness. "I can't wait to meet our children."
"Mm," she mumbled, covering the hand he had put on her stomach with one of hers as she allowed herself to pretend she was lying next to Mark instead.
And so it continues :)
I'm weirdly proud of the ending, so please let me know what you think.