Thanks for letting me know i did upload the same chapter.
"Oh Eliza", Angelica encouraged her to come back inside. Eliza was shivering. Her hair was covered in a layer of white snow. It felt too quiet.
"Why did he do this?" Eliza screamed. "I'm going to kill Alexander if he had any part in this". She pushed by Angelica.
"Eliza stop! You're scaring me. You need to get that bloody dress off of you. Especially before your other children get here. They need you, Eliza", Angelica caught her arm.
"Why because you want me to be in denial? Every inch of this house reminds me of him. Every expression Alexander makes. Every thought I have is of Philip. It hurts. I can't do this. It hurts too much. I can't even imagine going home, seeing his room!" She covered her face with her hands. Angelica sighed.
Eliza inhaled deep breaths. Angelica, Alex, James, John, William and Eliza Holly would be waiting for her and probably wondering where their parents were.
"Okay", she whispered following Angelica upstairs.
Angelica helped her change into a mourning dress. Eliza felt relieved that she no longer had Philip's blood on her.
Angelica was talking to her. Eliza wasn't listening, she knows it's rude but she couldn't stop thinking about Philip.
Angelica asked her a question.
"What? I'm sorry. I can't. I can't think right now. I don't want to do the silly ritual of a funeral. I just want to get on a horse and ride away. I want to forget. I want the pain to go away. I want my boy back.
Alexander knocked on the door. Angelica looked towards Eliza who nodded. She let him in.
"I'll give you a moment", Angelica closed the door on her way out. Eliza sat down on the bed.
"Can I see your face?" Alexander asked, his voice was shaken. Eliza wore a black veil. She nodded. Alexander lifted it up over her face. She leant into him as he hugged her.
"I don't know what to say", he mumbled. Eliza shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Don't say anything".
Angelica knocked on the door an hour later.
"The kids are here", she told Eliza and Alexander. Eliza pulled the veil back down. She held Alexander's hand as she led her down to the kids.
"Come sit down", Alexander brought them into the drawing room. They were all dressed in black yet they didn't know who died yet.
"Where's Philip?" Angelica asked, realising that their whole family is here except him. Alexander gulped.
"Philip was in a duel yesterday morning. He was shot and he passed away this morning. He is with god now", he told them. He didn't sugar coat it. Eliza kept her eyes on Alexander's watch. It would have been Philip's one day. Eliza Holly hugged Alexander.
"Why Papa sad?" The little girl asked, ignorant to the fact that her brother is dead. Eliza couldn't handle it. She left them.
Alexander found her crying over Philip's body. He had brought Alex, James and John up to see him.
"We need to organise a funeral", Eliza commented.
"John and Angelica are taking care of it for us. Your parents should be here today or tomorrow", he informed her. Eliza nodded.
Angelica brought them food. Eliza sighed. She didn't feel hungry despite not having eaten anything since the night before the duel. She forced herself to eat a slice of bread and jam.
"You should eat more", Alexander commented. Eliza glared at him, putting down her bread.
"Maybe you should shut up more", she snapped at him. The room went silent and was filled with an uncomfortable silence. He knew that what he had done was wrong and that she had every right to be angry at him. She left them, taking her bread and seeing where the rest of the kids were. Angelica was crying on the couch, understandably. William and Eliza Holly were playing checkers together. They didn't quite know how to play. They made the rules up as they went along.
Eliza sat down in the conservatory beside Angelica. The adults were smoking and having drinks. Eliza took a glass of whiskey.
"He would come here before going home because he didn't want Eliza or Alexander seeing how drunk he got", Angelica told the group. Eliza sighed.
She wouldn't care about that stuff now. She just wanted him alive.
"Remember when you came back from London when he was 2 or 3 and he was showing you his poetry", Eliza recalled. A sad smile crossed her face for a moment. Philip always had a talent for poetry. She wiped her eyes knowing she would never hear another poem that he wrote again.
…
Snow covered the ground. A swarm of black umbrellas waited at the church.
Eliza stepped out of the carriage with Alexander's help. Eliza Holly clinged to her left side and William to her right. A crowd of people dressed in black now had their attention on her. She had just lost a son. She was the gossip of New York City.
She took the children's hands and led them into the church. They sat down in the front row. Alexander told them to sit still and be quiet. John, Alex and James walked behind them. They sat next to Eliza Holly and William. Angelica was too upset to come. Alexander kissed her hand before walking back up the aisle. He was to help carry the coffin.
Eliza held Philip's blanket from when he was a baby in her hand. It is 19 years old. She ran her gloved fingers over the hard softness of the blanket. This one item had been with him his whole childhood. The frayed edges of the blanket show where Philip used to chew on the blanket. It's baby blue color had faded over the years. All the times she had to wash it because Philip dragged the blanket alongside him when he played outdoors. There used to be a white bear embroidered onto it. She remembered the tired nights she spent looking for it around the house. Philip crying on her arm, overtired from the day.
Eliza looked up, the ceremony had started. The coffin was at the bottom of the altar. Alexander stood at the altar. He was giving Philip's Eulogy. Alexander was leaning heavily on the pondent. Had he eaten this morning?
The ceremony ended soon. People lined up to give their condolences to their family.
Eliza held Alexander's hand at the burial. He was leaning on her quite a bit. Eliza wrapped her arm around William who was crying at her side. This can't be real? She can't be burying her son.
"I just want to lie in bed and sleep and forget about all of this", Eliza cried when Alexander stopped her on the stairs. They had guests over. She was taller than him. She held him to her chest. He cried, his arms clinging to her.
"I'm so sorry. Betsey I'm so sorry", Alexander whispered to her.
"Don't leave me. Please Betsey. Join me outside", he begged her. Eliza pushed him away. She continued her way up to their room. She inhaled deep breaths sitting on the bed. Eliza Holly came in to give her a hug.
"Thank you sweetie, now run along", she didn't want her seeing her upset. Eliza lifted up the black veil. She wiped her face from all the tears. She shook her hands trying not to cry again. She walked over to the window. It looked out into the gardens. Alexander walked alone in the gardens. She stepped outside to join him. He visibly relaxed when she took his arm.
They walked in silence before Alexander broke it.
"Eliza. I know I can't change what happened. I'll never forgive myself for not encouraging Philip to let it go. I really wish he would have listened to you. Look at where we are, look at where we started. I know I don't deserve you. If I could trade my life for his, I would. He'd be standing right here with you and you would smile and that would be enough", Alexander fell to his knees. He couldn't handle the guilt.
"I don't pretend to know the challenges we're facing. You do so much for our family. I married the most amazing woman and mother. I know you need time", he held her hands, kissing them.
"Stand up Alexander. I love you, you know that. I forgive you. Philip had a strong mind and will, just like you. He wouldn't have just let it go", she sighed, looking past them at the rose bush. He stood up, hugging her. They continued to walk.
"I can't fault him for something I love you for", she gripped onto his hands tighter than before. She doesn't even want to think about if their places had been switched. She didn't want to lose a son or a husband.
She noticed Angelica stopping William from running out to them. She was grateful for her sister. Eliza felt the baby kicking. She took Alexander's hand, placing it over where it was kicking. He smiled for the first time in a while.
A week later
The sound of music filled the downstairs. Angelica was playing the piano. She was playing a sad melody. She hated seeing all the children dressed in black. Eliza hugged John from behind as he read a book.
"I love you, mom", they all said those words a lot more now. They became a lot more aware of how little was guaranteed. Eliza kissed his cheek before helping William find a book he lost.
"Found it", William called to her. Eliza stopped by the window. Alexander was outside fixing up the garden. She smiled slightly.
Eliza sat in the garden on a bench. He relaxed when in her presence, continuing to dig the garden up.
"Do you know what you are doing?" Eliza asked, folding her arms to keep the cold out. He immediately put his jacket around her. He kissed her forehead before continuing.
"Somewhat. It can't be that hard right?"
"Will the seeds not die because of the cold?" Eliza questioned him. He shook his head.
"I was talking to a friend. They said the best time is to sow in the winter", he said confidently. Eliza shrugged, she didn't care that much. She didn't care about anything that much anymore.
"I'm going for a walk", she stood up.
"Do you want me to come with you?" He asked her. Eliza shook her head. She wanted to be alone. She walked into the town. People whispered about her. Something bigger, more exciting would happen and Philip's death would be old news.
…
Alexander sat down on the bed beside her. She had her back to him.
"Has our Angelica spoken to you since last week?" He asked her while rubbing her back. Eliza wiped her eyes. She had been crying. She did that a lot lately.
"No, why?" She frowned at him. He shrugged.
"She's probably just really upset but I'm a little concerned", he told her. Eliza sniffled. She turned onto her stomach.
"She was playing the piano this morning", she told him. She took his hand, placing it on her cheek.
"Are you making dinner or will I ask Adalyia?" He asked her. Eliza shook her head.
"I'm not in the mood", she turned away from him again. Her stomach had started to tense up.
Eliza Holly laid down with her and made up a story. Eliza closed her eyes as she listened.
Eliza yawned. She looked out the window. The curtains weren't pulled. It was dark out though. She headed downstairs. William and Eliza Holly had fallen asleep on the rug in the parlour.
"Can you carry them upstairs?" She asked Alex and James. They nodded, carefully lifting up their younger siblings. Eliza kissed them both goodnight.
"How are you doing?" She asked the boys.
"I'm trying to focus on my studies. It's easier that way", Alex told her. James agreed.
She sat in Alexander's office, writing to her sisters and her mother.
She jumped when Alexander burst through the door.
"I have looked all over the house for you. The last place I expected to find you was in here", he laughed slightly. Eliza shrugged.
"I'm just writing to my family", she told him. He looked over her shoulder before sitting down. He picked up a book to read.
She turned around, staring at him reading.
"Hmm? Are you going to say anything?" He asked her. Eliza shook her head.
"Sorry. I just. I don't know. I feel tired but I also don't want to go to sleep. I keep dreaming of Philip and then I wake up to this nightmare", she explained the best she could. Alexander put down the book. He held her hands in his.
"I'm sorry I can't take the pain away. I'll be by your side the entire night. If you wake up upset, wake me up too. I want to be there for you", he reassured her.