Eliza tried to hide a yawn.

"Okay", she reluctantly went to sleep.

Alexander woke up to her quiet sobs. He got out of the bed, pulling on his bloomers.

"Do you remember the baby that I lost?" She asked him. He nodded.

"Of course. I almost lost you", that concerned him more at the time.

"I dreamt that the same thing happened. I know it didn't. I can feel him kicking. Why can't I have a happy dream?" She sat up in bed. He dînent have an answer.

"It's Sunday today?" She asked when she saw him putting his rosary beads in his pocket. He never prayed outside church.

"Yeah it's Sunday", he sat back down on the bed just in time for Eliza Holly to run through the door.

"Momma, can we go to the park after mass? I've been good all week", the little girl begged her. Eliza shook her head. It was custom for them not to rejoin society for the grieving period after the death of a child. There was no set time as the pain is unimaginable.

"No sweetie pie, not today. You were wonderful this week and I really appreciate it and I am very grateful to have such a wonderful daughter", Eliza hugged her daughter. Alexander lifted her in the air. They smiled at the sound of laughter from the little girl.

Alexander brought the girl downstairs. Eliza got dressed with the help of Adalyia.

"I can't do this", Eliza pulled the veil off.

"You can leave", Eliza laid back down on the bed. She cried thinking about when Philip used to come into them in the mornings. He was such a happy baby. She barely knew what she was doing.

Alexander checked on her a half hour later. He had William on his back.

"Are you ready for church?" He asked her. He put William down on the bed. Eliza pulled the blanket over her head.

"I'm not going. Can you bring them?" She asked him. Alexander pulled the blanket back, kissing her head.

"I love you. Take as much rest as you need. Angelica still isn't talking to me. She's playing the piano downstairs", he left her to sleep. Eliza sighed, getting up. She pushed past him. Men are useless sometimes.

"Angelica! Get off that damn piano. It's Sunday, for godsake. You need to get ready for mass", Eliza shouted as she walked to where Angelica was sitting.

"Angelica! Look at me when I-", Eliza stopped mid sentence. She rubbed the girls back. She wasn't responding to her. It was as if Eliza were not there.

"Angie?" Eliza took her hand and led her upstairs. Alexander frowned at them.

"Everything okay?"

Eliza shook her head.

"I don't know. You bring the children to mass. I'm going to stay with Angelica", Eliza decided. Alexander could sense something was wrong. He brought the other children to mass.

Eliza drew a bath.

"Take off your dress. Have you changed it since last week?" Eliza asked her. Angelica headed for the door. She screamed and kicked when Eliza blocked it.

"Angelica, stop that", Eliza lifted the dress over her head. She helped Angelica to bathe and got her into another mourning gown so she could wash the first one.

She laid the girl down on her bed, staying with her until she fell asleep. Eliza soaked the dress and did some tidying up.

William ran through the door after mass. Alexander called him to come back and take his shoes off. "William, go back to Papa", Eliza caught him. He sulked as he turned around to take his shoes off at the door.

"My love, how is Angie?" Alexander asked her. Eliza nodded her head to the side. She took him into a separate room.

"I don't know. She's away with the fairies. I had to bathe her like a child", Eliza explained to him.

"I fear we've lost two children that day", Alexander commented. Eliza slapped his chest.

"Don't say that. Please don't say that", she cried as he pulled her into a hug. Eliza sighed as she pulled away. She stepped around him to go out to their living children.

"I'm going to make dinner", Eliza murmured.

James held William, rocking him as he cried for his mother.

"Mommy is busy. Come on we go play", he told him. Alex jr smiled at him as he took one of his hands. Alex jr and James led the 4 year old into the garden.

William turned around frowning at Eliza as he went with his brothers. He laughed as he jumped in a big puddle.

"Watch this!" He shouted as he did a big jump off a small wall.

Alex jr cheered for him.

"I do it again!" He announced. He slowly climbed up, wobbling slightly but he got his balance. He waved with a big smile on his face. James frowned. He was waving at someone behind them. He looked in the same direction. The kitchen. He sighed.

"Jump", he smiled at William trying to distract him.

"Mommy!" William waved.

Alexander walked around the side of the house. He watched his sons playing.

"This isn't fair!" James threw a rock out onto a field. He turned away from them. They could hear the raw emotion in his voice.

"Boys come for a walk with me", Alexander announced himself. William ran straight into his arms. James shrugged.

"What's the point? I want mom", he wiped his eyes. He followed Alexander. Alex jr kept up with their dad's pace.

"I know you do. Look, death is a part of life. It's not a very nice part or a happy part but without the sad parts we wouldn't appreciate the happy ones. I would give anything to have more happy or sad memories with Philip. We need to be grateful for the memories that we do have. Your mom is having a hard time processing grief, she needs time. You can give her that right?" He asked them. Alex jr nodded.

"That's what we've been doing", he defended himself.

"You're great boys and I'm very proud of you", he smiled at them. He couldn't tell them enough. He told Philip too little. There was no fixing that now.

"Christmas is going to be weird this year", Alex jr spoke his thoughts out loud as they headed back to the house.

Alexander nodded.

"Yeah it will be", Alexander couldn't help but agree.

…

"I want those pistols out of this house", Eliza reached for them as Alexander held her back with one arm. He always was a lot stronger.

"Alexander, get them out of this house!" She pushed away from him.

"You know very well why we have them. I need to be able to protect you and my family", he placed them in a sealed box on a high shelf.

"Now none of the kids will be able to find them", he bargained. Eliza glanced up at where they were. She sighed, leaving the office. She wasn't happy.

"Angelica?" She whispered as she stroked her daughter's hair. She led her to the piano. She could pretend her daughter was fine even for a moment.

William climbed onto her lap, cuddling into her.

"I missed you, my sweet boy", Eliza hugged him tightly. He smiled, getting sleepy. He had red baggy eyes. Eliza held his face in her hands.

"Sweetie, have you been sleeping?" She asked him. He shook his head.

"I stayed up with Daddy last night", his little smile dropped. "And James the night before that. He told me not to go into you. You just want Philip. We heard you crying", he studied her face for her reaction. Eliza forced herself to smile.

"Will you sleep in my bed tonight?" She asked him. The realisation of how much she was neglecting her children was hitting her. William grinned. He bounced up and down.

"Yes yes yes", he ran into Alexander's office.

"I'm staying with you tonight! Mommy says so", he bragged.

Eliza listened to James read to her. She helped him with some tricky words.

"I love you, mom", James told her when they were finished.

Eliza Holly climbed up on the couch beside her mommy. Eliza hugged her closely.

"I love you, baby", she whispered to her.

"I'm a big girl!" Eliza Holly insisted. She stood up as tall as she could. Eliza smiled.

"Yeah you're a big girl. Come on and I'll give you a bath", Eliza brought her upstairs.

"Can you get your towel?" She asked the 2 year old. Eliza Holly ran to get it. She loved being helpful. Eliza sang nursery rhymes with her while giving her a bath.

"Mommy I want a bath", William told her as she came out of the bathroom carrying Eliza Holly. He cried when she went into the bedroom.

"I want a bath!" He whined at the bathroom entrance.

"You just had a bath yesterday, William. You don't need a bath today", she explained.

"I..I want a bath", he came into the room with them. She had gotten Eliza Holly dressed and was brushing the small girl's hair.

"I can give him a bath if he really wants one", Alexander called from his office. Most likely never looking up from his work.

"No! I want mommy to give me a bath", William hit Eliza on the stomach. She yelped, her stomach tender from the pregnancy.

"William. That hurt. We do not hit people", Eliza gave out to him. William cried, dropping to the ground.

"I want…", he inhaled deep shaky breaths.

Eliza laid with Eliza Holly until she fell asleep.

"Mommy it's bedtime", William led her to her bed where he laid down ready to fall asleep. Eliza laughed. It's only 7 in the afternoon.

"Okay cuddle very close", she held him tightly. He slept the night in her arms.

Eliza half woke up to Alexander kissing her forehead. She smiled, going straight back to sleep. Her dreams were once again of Philip.

i know its been so long since i posted the last chapter