May 1802

Eliza sat on the edge of the bed in her night dress. She rubbed her round, heavy stomach. It was hard to find somewhere comfortable to sit this late into the pregnancy.

"I want to name him Philip", she looked back at Alexander who was reading a letter from Angelica with a candle light. He put the candle down at the mention of his first son's name.

"I want to remember Philip, to honour him", she felt tears building up behind her eyes. Maybe it was a stupid idea.

Alexander nodded. He patted the spot next to him.

"Sit beside me", he told her. Eliza stood up, moving to sit in his arms. Alexander grabbed a pillow and helped her get comfortable.

"I would love to name our son Philip", he kissed her.

Eliza closed her eyes inhaling deep breaths.

"I've been getting fake contractions all morning", Eliza told him when the pain subsided.

"How do you know they're fake? What if he's coming?" He asked her. Eliza shook her head.

"I've done this 7 times before this one. I know what actual labour feels like", she took his hand, placing her own in front of it.

"You have tiny hands", he laughed.

"That's the only part of me that's tiny", Eliza laughed. Eliza Holly knocked on the door as she opened it. She held her blanket. Her hair was all over the place.

"I sleep with you?" She yawned. Eliza nodded, waving her over.

"Yes. Lie down with mommy and papa", Eliza kissed the girls forehead and tucked a blanket around her.

"How are we going to sleep when she's sleeping across the bed?" Alexander questioned her in a hushed tone. Eliza shrugged.

"I don't know about you but I'm pretty comfortable here", she snuggled up, closing her eyes and grinning. Alexander chuckled, tickling her side.

"No fair", she squirmed, hitting his hand away.

"Just let me nap here. This is the comfiest I've been in weeks", Eliza yawned, falling asleep. Alexander stroked her hair.

"Okay, my love".

A week later Alexander found Eliza hiding in his office. It was the only place she could be undisturbed.

"The baby's coming", she told him when he gave her a quizzical look.

"Um. I'll send for the midwife and Angelica and your mother", Alexander told her. He sat down to write to them.

"Go to them!" Eliza ordered, getting annoyed with him.

"Right! Yes", he left her to fetch the women.

Adalyia helped her strip down to her night dress in her room. Eliza laid on a towel on her bed.

Eliza felt another contraction coming on.

"I feel like I need to push. I want my mom", Eliza cried. Adalyia got a basin of water and towels.

"Thou must wait madam. I don't know the first thing about delivering a baby. I will simply be no help", Adalyia replied, panicking slightly. Eliza shook her head.

"I can't help it. I'm going to push", Eliza stood up from the bed. She knelt in front of it. God they better get here soon.

…

Eliza handed their son to her husband.

"Hello P..Philip", Alexander smiled down at the little baby. "My son. Look at my son". He grinned at Angelica and Catherine.

"Someday you'll blow us all away", he whispered to baby Philip. Eliza reached up to have him back.

"That's what you said to", she couldn't finish her sentence. Eliza kissed baby Philip.

"I know that if Philip were here. He would be so proud of his little brother. He would want us to celebrate life. His life and the life of his little baby brother, his namesake", Alexander kissed her forehead. Angelica wiped her eyes.

"I need to feed him now", Eliza told Alexander. She had no problem feeding in front of him but not her mother and him. He went downstairs to the boys.

Angelica was playing the piano.

December 1802

Eliza grinned as she dragged Alexander outside. Snowflakes gently covered them head to toe within minutes. Alexander kissed her.

"Just in time for Christmas", she laughed, looking up. Alexander nodded.

"Yes. Father Christmas brought a white one", he smiled watching her. Eliza ran her hand across a wall, collecting the snow. She had her back to Alexander.

"Don't even think about it!" He warned her. Eliza laughed before turning around and throwing the snowball at him. He was wearing a new suit jacket that he was to wear to mass and family dinner in the morning. She giggled as she held up her dress to run away.

"Careful, miss Betsey. I might see your ankles", he smirked at her. She threw another snowball at him.

"You asked for it, Betsey", he grinned back as he tackled her into a freshly fallen pile of snow. Eliza shrieked.

She laid down in the cold, wet snow. Something about the cold was refreshing.

"When we were younger we used to make snow angels", she put her arms and legs out straight and moved them back and forth to make a snow angel.

"My angel", Alexander commented looking at her lovingly.

Eliza ruffled the snow out of his hair.

"And you better not forget it", she whispered smugly.

They heard giggling coming from the upstairs window. William and Eliza Holly were watching them from the window.

"Get your slippers and housecoat on", Alexander called to them. They ran outside wrapped up moments later.

Eliza and Alexander helped the small children build a snowman.

"I better check on little Phil", Eliza kissed Alexander before going inside. She smiled taking in this moment.

January 1803

"Angie, you have my word. I will make this up to you. Will you be the best sister and mind my children for the day?" Eliza asked. Angelica gave her a small smirk.

"Flattering me, now?" Angelica questioned her. "Where are you going?"

"I need to clear my head. Given what day it is, can you blame me?" Eliza shrugged. It's Philip's 21st birthday. Angelica shook her head.

"Go. I won't ask any more questions".

Eliza found herself walking past the market in town. She couldn't help but remember a few years ago when she bought lunch for some homeless men. She knew Alexander wouldn't agree. She did it anyway. Philip was with her that day. She was teaching him the importance of letting things go. The irony was not lost on her.

She glanced up to the clouds. Is there a heaven? Is Philip waiting on them?

The clouds were dark. We might get another snow storm. Was there hell? No. She refused to entertain the thought.

"Ma'am, it's not safe to walk these streets alone", a man stopped in front of her. He offered his hand to her. Eliza gave him a weary look. She could not be seen in town holding hands with a strange man. What would Alexander think? She kind of wanted to see that.

"Allow me to escort you home", he offered, his hand still out.

"You're very kind but I am married. I am afraid of what Alexander would think", she tried to decline without insulting him.

He laughed.

"Apologies, have a good day and be safe".

Eliza arrived home to an empty house. She sat down at the bottom of the stairs. She closed her eyes, inhaling a deep breath.

"I never got to see the person you would become", she rubbed her tears. Hadn't she cried enough? Was that even possible?

She opened Philip's room, she couldn't bring herself to touch it. She fluffed the pillows before sitting on his bed. A chest laid on the ground at the bottom of Philip's bed. She opened the box that Philip's life had been reduced to. There was a blanket from when he was a baby, a watch that he bought when he started college, a few drawings and a journal filled with his poetry. The letter is what struck her though. She opened one up to read it. She smiled seeing his handwriting for the first time in nearly 2 years. A good man. He was a good man. Why is God cruel sometimes?

How can one's life be reduced to a box?

Eliza shook her head. She couldn't breathe. The house felt too stuffy. Eliza inhaled a deep breath when she got outside. She started to walk towards the park.

"It's getting late, Mrs Hamilton", Adalyia called after me.

"I'll be fine", Eliza dismissed her.

"What if it gets dark, ma'am?"

"Then I'll close my eyes", Eliza responded, annoyed at being questioned. She didn't appreciate being treated like a child.

She remembered Philip saying those exact words to her. She had told him that if he kept acting like a child she would treat him like one. He was respectful after that.

Eliza kept walking, not sure where she was going. Stopping meant thinking. Thinking meant remembering Philip. She wanted to stop thinking. She tore at her head, willing the memories away.

"I must look like a right mad woman", Eliza laughed. She ran her hand through her hair. She just wanted her baby back, her first son. She found herself overlooking the water. She fell to her hands, steadying herself. Had she walked this far?

"It's such a paradox. I want to forget. I don't want to remember this grief but I also don't want to forget a single second of Philip's 19 years", Eliza held her head. The internal battle continued.

The waves were crashing against the cliff edge. The wind was fierce and cold. She could imagine on a foggy day, she would not be able to see the bottom. Oh how easy it would be to mistake the edge. A light drizzle rained down on her. It felt fitting to how she felt inside. A mess.

Eliza pulled her knees close to her chest, crying into them.

"This isn't fair. Why do I get to live? What purpose could I have?"

"Eliza?" She heard someone call her name from behind her. He was running towards her. Eliza twisted around to see who it was. John Church, Angelica's husband. Why was he here? Angelica must have been searching for her. He offered his hand to help her stand up.

"Please come home", he begged her. He helped her onto the saddle on his horse before he got on. She held onto his waist.

"John", I spoke for the first time when he got near to his house. He hummed in response.

"Can we not mention the cliff to Angelica?" Eliza asked him. He nodded.

"I found you in the park is all Angelica needs to know. But I must know. Would you have jumped?" He asked me the one question I didn't know how to answer.

"Of course not", I laughed it off. He probably saw through it.

"I have a family and a loving husband", I added. They never crossed my mind on the cliff.

"Eliza!" Angelica screeched with delight mixed with relief. She ran straight to me. Alex and John were standing behind her. The rest of the kids must be in bed.

"Where on earth were you? You had us worried sick. I thought you were kidnapped", Angelica had let her mind think of the worst possible scenario. Or perhaps, the most reasonable one.

"Send out word that we found her and you go let Mr Hamilton know she is safe in Mrs Church's house", Angelica ordered people before turning back to her younger sister.

Angelica led Eliza into the parlour. She sat her down beside the fire.

"You're awfully cold". She had said as she placed a cup of tea and a slice of bread and cheese infront of her. She went to speak with John. Alex jr and John sat opposite Eliza.

"Mom, what happened tonight?" They asked her. Eliza smiled at them.

"I got lost on a walk, that's all. Your uncle John found me", she was quick to reassure them.

"Did you have a good day? It's a wonder how much heat comes off a fire", Eliza relaxed beside it.

"Yeah, it was okay. Angelica made us help with entertaining William and little Eliza. Something about 'she doesn't care if we're boys or girls. Family is family we do our share'", Alex jr told her. Eliza smiled, nodding her head.

"I could well imagine it".

"Betsey! Oh my Betsey", Alexander knelt in front of her. He kissed her hand a thousand times. She held his head in her hands, their foreheads touching. Alexander shut his eyes, pushing back memories.

"I'm here. I'm here. I'm sorry I worried you", Eliza soothed him.

"Mom. Papa", Alex Jr exclaimed in disgust. He didn't want to see his parents like that.

Alexander smiled as he pulled away.

"Come on, we'll head home", Alexander helped her up. John was carrying a sleeping Eliza.

"I'll go up and get William. The rest can walk", Alexander told her. She nodded in agreement.

Alexander made sure she never left his sight as she put the children to bed.

She stripped down to her chemise.

Alexander sat down on the bed. Eliza looked down under his stare. She couldn't handle it.

"Talk to me", he pleaded with her.

"It's Philip's birthday", she whispered. Eliza laughed a little.

"It's 21 years since you were sent home distraught that you were sent home from the war", Eliza sighed.

"Our futures could have turned out very differently", he agreed. Eliza shook her head.

"We'd probably still live in New York. There's something intoxicating about this city. We can't seem to stay away", she smiled at him.

Alexander cupped her cheek.

"Where did you go today?" He asked her.

"I…I went for a walk. I found myself in the park by the seaside. John talked, didn't he?" I frowned in realisation. Alexander sighed.

"Did something happen to you? Did someone hurt you? Was it John?" His mind wandered too quickly for her to stop him.

"No!" She interrupted him. "He found me sitting on the edge of a cliff".

Alexander opened his mouth before closing it again. She could see in Alexander's eyes he was thinking of his mother and cousin. He had found his cousin after he committed suicide.

"I wasn't going to do anything", I added quickly. Tears streamed down her cheeks.

Alexander pulled her into a hug, inhaling her scent.

"I'm sorry", she cried into his chest. She didn't mean to scare him like that. She promised she would never leave him and she intended to keep that promise.

"Do you think there's a heaven? We'll see him again right?" She gripped onto his shirt. He ran his fingers gently up and down her back.

"Yes. There's a heaven", he said before kissing her.