"You did WHAT?!"

Zelenka took a deep breath, for the first time actually feeling afraid of Woolsey. "Saved the city?" he asked weakly.

Woolsey crossed his arms angrily, then seemed to realize that he looked faintly ridiculous, and promptly uncrossed them. It was a testament to how much Zelenka wanted to keep his job that he actually still found Woolsey scary.

"When I left," Woolsey said carefully. "The city did not appear to need saving. What, pray tell, happened in the intervening two weeks? Please, elucidate."

Zelenka scowled at the multisyllabic lawyer, wishing that he could remind the IOA that however brilliant he was, English was not his first language.

"And what on Earth - or should I say, in Pegasus - happened to my Military Commander?"

John waved a weak hand from where he was sitting on the stairs. "Hi."

He'd originally been standing with the rest of them - Ronon, Carson, and Zelenka, all of them prepared to hand Atlantis back over to Woolsey. However, about a minute after Woolsey had arrived, as soon as he'd noticed that something was amiss, John had slumped back onto the staircase.

"He was kind of drowned," Zelenka said.

"Also, he's just getting over a mild case of hypothermia," Carson added.

"And he was bitten by a spider," Ronon said.

"Oh yeah," John said, chucking slightly. "Kinda forgot about the spider."

Woolsey's face paled.

The surface of the Gate rippled slightly, and Mckay emerged, followed by Keller. Woolsey had always been planning on coming back to Atlantis about a day before everyone else, and Zelenka supposed it made sense for Rodney and Jennifer to come back early too, to get things back in order for their respective departments. But Zelenka hadn't necessarily realized it was happening, or at least he certainly hadn't realized it was happening now, and it was a deeply unpleasant jolt to see them.

"Zelenka!" Rodney already seemed midway through the process of yelling, as if he didn't fully realize Zelenka couldn't hear him from the other side of the gate. "Where are you? I hope you didn't burn the place-"

Rodney froze. Next to him, Jennifer also froze. Both of them stared around the Gateroom, their faces slowly paling.

Rodney's eyes finally landed on Sheppard, who was sitting on the bottom steps, looking shaky and woozy. Rodney made a strangled sort of choking sound. "What happened to you?" he gasped.

"Um drowning, hypothermia, spider bite," he said, checking off the answers on his fingers. "Um, maybe some dehydration?"

He looked to Carson, who nodded.

"What?" Rodney said. "Are you...are you alright?"

John shrugged. "Yeah. I mean, more or less."

Rodney whirled on Zelenka. "Did you do something to him?" he practically shouted. "Why is he like this?"

Zelenka backed up a few steps - Rodney was scary when he was like this. "I didn't…."

Mercifully, Sheppard intervened. "Wasn't his fault," he said tiredly, sitting back on the steps.

Rodney ignored him, once again advancing on Zelenka. "Why is he even here? I thought he was supposed to be on some horrible camping excursion with Ronon!"

Rodney paused, whirling on John. "Is all of this from camping? I told you camping for fun is never a good idea-"

"No, the camping was fine," John said, rubbing his uninjured hand over his face. "We, uhh, ran into some other trouble."

Rodney opened his mouth, probably to keep yelling at Zelenka, but Woolsey cut him off. "What other trouble? I think you had better just tell me what happened."

Zelenka took a deep breath and steeled himself. The moment he'd been dreading had finally arrived - it was time to tell the truth about dropping the shields and simply beg for mercy. All eyes in the Gateroom were on him. Woolsey crossed his arms again, apparently deciding that he looked frightening after all. Keller simply looked scared, and Rodney was smirking.

"Well…."

"Well?"

And here it was. The moment of truth. "The shields...failed," he blurted out.

"They what?" McKay and Woolsey spoke at the same time, both looking highly skeptical. Behind him, Carson, Ronon and John looked surprised, but didn't say anything to the contrary.

"Yes. They failed," Zelenka repeated. "It was a freak...power surge. These things do happen, sometimes. I had been...watching the shields, of course, to make sure that they were always up. I was very vigilant. Unfortunately, I could not get the shields back up before a meteor crashed into the Gateroom."

"A meteor...happened to crash into the Gateroom...at the exact moment that the shields fell? By accident?" Woolsey did not sound as though he were buying this. Frankly, if Zelenka hadn't witnessed the freak accident with his own two eyes, he wouldn't have bought it either.

"Yes," Zelenka said simply. "That is exactly what happened. The meteor unfortunately crashed into the Gateroom, and in the process it started a small fire and also a power outage. I enlisted Colonel Sheppard and Ronon to help with the problem."

"Why the hell is Carson here?" Rodney snapped, looking annoyed, as if Zelenka had planned this to spite him.

"I was called in when John's condition became critical," Carson said, looking disapproving.

Rodney gasped. "Critical? A fire? No power? And, and I'm sorry, but you did just say that Sheppard's condition was critical? Wh-what - I think I need to sit down."

Rodney immediately plopped down on the floor of the Gateroom. Jennifer, who had not done much so far aside from look around in shock, started rubbing his back .

Zelenka had been hoping they could leave it at that. The other problems they'd had with Atlantis...they could get into those later. Or ideally, not at all. Meteor, fire, that was it. All that needed to be talked about.

But Woolsey was too observant. "The Gateroom doesn't look like it's been damaged by fire," he said shortly. "It looks like it's been damaged by water. Care to explain?"
Zelenka swallowed hard. He wondered if he could tell Woolsey that the water damage was caused by what they had done to put out the fires, instead of by a whole separate crisis. Honestly, that didn't seem too hard to believe. In some ways, it was probably more believable than what had actually happened. Of course, he would have to somehow explain the fact that John had drowned, and that might make things harder….

"There's a Jumper on the ceiling," Keller said. "Has anyone else noticed that?"

Woolsey and Rodney looked up. In the few days between the flood and Woolsey's arrival, John had recovered enough that Zelenka thought he probably could have piloted the Jumper, at least in fair weather. But there was really no reason to move the Jumper - it was helping to keep the Gateroom warmer while there was still a hole in the roof, and there was always the chance that there would be another rainstorm.

They'd discussed moving the Jumper right before Woolsey came, but none of them could decide if a hole in the ceiling was more or less noticeable than a Jumper on the roof. Also, none of them could remember ever seeing Woolsey look up, and the ceiling of the Gateroom was pretty far away, so they thought there was a pretty fair chance that he wouldn't even notice. None of them had counted on Jennifer.

"There was an unfortunately-timed rainstorm," Zelenka said. "A few nights ago. Due to the hole in the ceiling, caused by the, uh, the meteor, there was nothing to stop the rain from coming into the Gateroom. There was, um, a small flood."

"Actually, it was a large flood," John added helpfully from where he was sitting on the stairs. "I drowned."

"And you blocked the hole with a Jumper?"

"I blocked the hole with a Jumper," John said proudly, seeming to misread Woolsey's shock as admiration. "It was a tricky bit of flying."

Woolsey closed his eyes, looking as though this new piece of information might yet break him. Zelenka wondered if that was maybe something he should be hoping for, if Woolsey having a mental breakdown might let him off the hook entirely.

Unfortunately, Woolsey seemed to get himself under control. He rubbed his forehead, then nodded at John.

"Well, thank you, I suppose. I believe I will have Dr. Zelenka tell me the rest of the story, in order. And in detail. For now, not meaning any offense, you do not look well. Perhaps…?" Woolsey trailed off, looking at Carson.

"Yes, Colonel, off to the infirmary," Carson said. "Ronon, you too."

Zelenka had just enough time to hear their disappointed groans when Woolsey turned on him. "Doctor, my office, please?"

Slowly, Zelenka followed Woolsey into his office, dreading whatever was about to come. He dreaded it even more when Rodney followed them in, still looking annoyed.

"Okay, spill it," Rodney said, as soon as the door closed behind them. "What the hell did you do?"

Zelenka, at this point, was in too deep. "Nothing," he said firmly. "I have already told you."

Rodney rolled his eyes and began mockingly waving his hands around, in what Zelenka assumed was supposed to be an imitation of him. "Oh, right, the shields 'happened' to 'malfunction' at exactly the wrong time."

"Yes, that is exactly what happened," Zelenka shot back.

"That's ridiculous," Rodney informed the room at large. "In fact, it's impossible. The shield technology isn't even able to automatically shut off unless in case of critical power failure-"

"Oh, well, do you know what else is supposed to be impossible?" Zelenka shot back. "The event of a catastrophic fire within Atlantis. I believe you were the one that created that particular protocol, yes?"

Rodney looked miffed and began to sputter something inarticulate, but Zelenka steamrolled past him.

"Due to your clever and innovative fire safety protocol, Atlantis almost burned to the ground. To the water, I mean. It is only thanks to Colonel Sheppard that you are not returning to a smoldering pile of ash surrounding the Stargate."

"The fire safety protocol was clever and innovative!" Rodney protested. "It was just used wrong. If Atlantis was full of people, it would be pretty important that the fire stay inside the walls, hmm? And if there was power, it would have been no problem at all to put the fires out."

Zelenka spluttered, hardly able to believe what he was hearing. "Any fire could take the power out. A fire safety protocol that makes fighting a fire by hand pretty much impossible, that's…."

"How did you get the fire out?" Rodney interrupted. He didn't even sound accusing anymore, just curious. "The extent of the damage...it must have spread through the walls so quickly…."

"Colonel Sheppard put it out with a Jumper," Zelenka said. He had been living this nightmare for so long that that sentence didn't even sound absurd to him, but based on Rodney's reaction, it was. Even Woolsey pulled a face.

"How?" Woolsey asked simply.

"He...rigged it up to spray water," Zelenka said. "And then he flew it all around the outside of Atlantis, so he could access areas too dangerous for us to enter from the inside. It took a few hours, but he was able to subdue the fire that way."

"That's...huh, maybe we should rig a Jumper up to do that permanently. I'm not sure when it would come in handy, but if Colonel Sheppard could do it in a few hours alone, I bet I could make a much better system given a day or two. And I'm sure we'll be able to find some use for a Jumper that can spray water, even if it's only in emergencies…."

Zelenka was still feeling heated, and did not particularly want to be sucked into a conversation about Jumpers that were also hoses. "We won't need them again, as long as you rewrite your stupid fire protocol to keep this from happening…."

"Hey! I-"

"Boys, quiet," Woolsey said sharply. Rodney and Zelenka both subsided.

For a few long seconds, there was complete silence.

"Are you, um...are you going to fire me?" Zelenka finally asked quietly. He didn't think he could take much more suspense.

"Now you said it was impossible for the shields to fail without any external factors?" Woolsey asked Rodney.

Rodney nodded nervously, and Zelenka gulped.

"What about unlikely?" Woolsey said. "That probably sounds better on an official report, right?"

Rodney scoffed, crossing his arms. "Extremely unlikely, perhaps. I really don't see how-"

"Dr. McKay," Woolsey said sharply, and Rodney subsided.

"Oh. Right. Yes, 'unlikely' could be used in a report."

"Perhaps that's the word that should be used, then," Woolsey suggested. "'Unlikely' is a much less...firm word than 'impossible.' We must be careful to avoid hyperbole and...unsubstantiated claims. There's no need to worry the IOA with a more extreme report than necessary."

Rodney nodded, slightly reluctantly, and Zelenka nodded as well, although in his case the nod was extremely grateful. Woolsey really must have been a brilliant lawyer.

"Thank you, sir," he said, resisting the sudden urge to bow. The biggest reason he was able to control himself was the thought of Rodney being able to make fun of him for the rest of his life.

"Never thank me for ensuring that we stick to verifiable details and cold hard facts," Woolsey said blandly. "Please make sure to get me those reports as soon as possible."

"I will," Zelenka said fervently. "Umm, do you want the reports of Colonel Sheppard and Ronon as well?"

Woolsey sighed. "Colonel Sheppard's can wait until he's recovered. And Ronon…. Well, his are never very useful anyway."

"I'm going by the infirmary right now," Rodney said. "I'm sure they'll be thrilled."

"I will...begin work on my report," Zelenka offered, fairly sure that he'd pushed his luck as far as he possibly could push. Woolsey's thin smile told him that he was entirely correct in that assumption.

Ronon was, by now, thoroughly bored. He thought that this might even be worse than when they'd been stuck on Atlantis with no power, water, or food. At least then, he'd been able to walk around wherever he wanted.

As soon as Woolsey had left the room, Carson had ushered him and Sheppard back to the infirmary. Ronon had figured John would be in for a decently long stay, but he'd assumed that he himself would be released after a quick checkup. Disappointingly, this was not to be.

After a lot of medical jargon like 'second degree burns' and 'infected' and 'swam around in a bloody disgusting pool of rain,' Ronon had been put into a bed and told to stay there. This hadn't changed for the past day and a half, long enough for most of the rest of the Atlantis personnel to arrive back from their leave. This was ridiculous, in Ronon's opinion. He didn't even feel that bad, his arm barely hurt when he breathed and he was sure the fever he was clearly running was pretty low. Maybe if he kept nagging, Carson and Keller would let him go.

Unfortunately for Sheppard, he wasn't so lucky. The Colonel was in the bed next to Ronon, and he'd spent most of the past day and a half curled limply around his injured arm, either deeply asleep or semi-conscious. As much as Ronon disapproved of the general notion of infirmaries, he was relieved that John was finally getting the medical attention that he so clearly needed.

Rodney was spending as much time in the infirmary as physically possible, at least. Ronon liked when Rodney was there, because he'd been trapped with the same four people for nearly ten days, and it was nice to see someone new. Also, Rodney could fill silences pretty much single-handedly, which was sometimes horrible but kind if nice in a situation like this. For the price of the occasional nod or shake of the head, Ronon could get hours of entertainment.

The other thing Ronon appreciated about Rodney in a situation like this one was that he was alright with occasionally waking up John. Perhaps it was because he had seen John so ill the past week, but Ronon would always let him sleep if he was already sleeping. But that didn't mean he wouldn't rather him be awake, especially if there was someone else here who was willing to do it.

"Come on, Sheppard, wake up," Rodney was saying, shaking John's shoulder slightly. He had come into the infirmary about a minute ago, after a long lunch break, and made a beeline straight for John. "Teyla should be here soon."

"Teyla?" Ronon said, surprised. "Isn't she…?"

"No, she's not on leave anymore," Rodney said, cutting him off. "Leave ends today, remember? Everyone should be back on Atlantis by tonight. Lorne left to pick her up in a Jumper an hour ago, so they should be getting back any time now. And I'm sure she'll want to see Colonel Sleepyhead."

John made a small sound of acknowledgement that was possibly just a reaction to the word "Colonel."

"Awake," Rodney said sharply, nudging him again. "Did you hear that? Teyla's coming."

"Don' wanna see her," John murmured sleepily, turning over.

This seemed to take Rodney by surprise. "You don't want to see Teyla?"

"Nah," John whispered, eyes still closed. He curled more tightly around his injured arm - Ronon kept thinking he was just exhausted, and forgetting that he was also in pain. "She'll be mad."

"Hey," Rodney said, surprisingly gently. "No she won't. The hole in the ceiling is looking great, I know you haven't seen it but Woolsey's put all the best people on it, you can already...I mean, you can tell it's there, but you won't be able to once they're done with it, I don't think…."

John opened one eye finally and looked skeptically at Rodney. Ronon had to agree with him. He hadn't really been allowed to leave the infirmary since Carson and Keller had sunk their claws into him, so he hadn't gotten a chance to see the Gateroom, but he really couldn't imagine it looking all that better.

Sure enough, when Teyla arrived a few minutes later, she did not look happy. "What happened to the Gateroom?" she asked, before she'd even made it all the way into the infirmary.

As John and Ronon came into view, she stopped short and gasped. "What happened to you?"

"Vacation," Ronon said grimly.

"Told you she'd be mad," John whispered to Rodney.

"Vacation?" Teyla said blankly.

Ronon nodded. "Never taken a vacation before. Don't think I'm gonna do it again. It pretty much shakes out to my day job, except Shep got a little closer to dying than usual."

John frowned. "Don' tell her that," he whined.

"Are you two alright?" Teyla asked after a pause, still looking confused and sitting down heavily in a chair.

Ronon shrugged, swallowing back a hiss of pain at the twinge his shoulder still made. "Fine. I don't even need to be here, really. Carson and Keller kinda freaked out for no reason, somethin' about 'swimming around a pool of disgusting water and your shoulder is extremely infected.' But it's stupid. Shouldn't even be here."

"Me either," John whispered, closing his eyes again and pulling his arm close to his chest. "Don' need t'be here."

As one, Teyla, Ronon, and Rodney all turned to look at the sleepy Colonel. He was still dreadfully pale, and could clearly barely keep his eyes open. He did, without a doubt, need to be there.

"Just go to sleep, Shep," Ronon finally said. John nodded softly, and was snoring before Ronon finished the sentence.