A/N:

Please see the endnotes for a couple comments on the religious content.

Thank you to everyone for the encouragement. I'm sorry this took so long. Blew out my knee, one editor had a kidney stone, and I'm still a slow writer. But when it rains, it pours.

Pour Perdita: Merci pour les encouragements! J'ai eu une fois un travail d'acteur, où j'ai joué quelqu'un qui parlait français. Cela s'est avéré mieux que ce à quoi je m'attendais. Ha ha ha.

The Antidote to Hate

Chapter 2 - A Thoughtful Moment

Connie awoke to the first rays of dawn peeking through the blinds. She felt surprisingly well-rested for someone who just spent the night on a couch. She listened for a minute and heard nothing in the apartment. Mike was not yet awake, so she still had time to leave without lifting the lid on Pandora's box again.

She sat up, yawning to shake off the last cobwebs of sleep. After visiting the bathroom and fixing her hair and makeup, she walked towards the door. But feeling a pang of empathy and a little worry, she stopped on the way to peek in on her friend.

Silently walking into his room in her bare feet, she saw him sprawled in tangled sheets. He breathed deeply and evenly. His face was relaxed and looked especially boyish in the early morning light intruding into his bedroom.

While looking down at him she wondered at her own feelings. She protected her heart, and guarded it so closely that her feelings were too often hidden even from herself. How did she feel about Mike? Was there something there, a spark? Or was she just flattered and excited by his obvious attraction to her?

She felt a small and not unpleasant tenseness in her chest as she watched him. Only six hours ago his lips were on hers, his hands on her body. Should she be angry? Instead she found herself replaying that moment through her head and it exhilarated her.

But in a way, that changed nothing. This was a crisis. Mike was emotionally vulnerable. They had to meet the challenge head-on and win before she could spare the time to catalogue her own feelings, let alone talk out last night's events with Mike.

His water glass was empty, so she took it and filled it in the kitchen, then brought it back and set it gently on the nightstand. She closed the blinds to keep the sun out for a couple hours more. Then she left her friend's apartment.

Back at her apartment, sitting at her table and eating breakfast, she opened her laptop to check her e-mail. She wanted to be doing something… but it was the weekend and, with the case balanced on the decision around Mike's status as a lawyer, it seemed that they could only wait.

Still, she decided to e-mail Jack to make sure she wasn't missing anything. She didn't like feeling helpless, and she knew Jack had the bird's-eye view of this case and all the players.

...

Jack,

With everything up in the air in the Stuber case, is there anything productive I can be doing? As for the other cases in the pipeline, we're fully prepped for the upcoming Jones and Tisdale cases. I have a preliminary plea offer meeting for the Baker double murder set for Wednesday. I can't think of anything I can be doing on the Stuber case given where we're at. But any suggestions from you would be extremely welcome.

Sincerely,

Connie

...

She didn't expect him to even be on his computer on a Saturday, but while she was spooning the last of her breakfast yogurt out of the container, her computer chimed.

...

Connie,

There was a time in my life I would have said the answer was to pray. I'm far from the person I was, but I've come around to another station in my life's journey when I again think that might be the best answer.

Regards,

Jack

...

So that was it. There was nothing she could do until Monday.

She got on with her usual Saturday routine. She got changed and went for a run. The weather was nice but it was early enough in the year that it wasn't too hot. She showered, tidied her apartment, called her sister but had to leave a message. Then she called her mom.

"Hola mama", she said into the phone. "¿Cómo estás?"

"Estoy bien, mi querida niña", Adelita said into the phone. Then, after a pause, "Are you okay? You don't sound like yourself."

"Oh Mom, it's been a hard couple of weeks. We had a conviction, but the judge set aside the verdict. Then he reversed his decision. It all started when the Innocence Coalition got involved."

"I know you really support those innocence projects. That had to be disappointing."

"I do. But the woman who runs this one was Mike's mentor, and they really went at it. She might get him disbarred."

"Oh no!" Adelita said. "Did he do something wrong?"

"Not really. He doesn't technically have a bachelor's degree."

"Don't you need one of those to become a lawyer?"

"Not really," Connie said. "But when he applied to law school and to the DA's office he said he did."

"Oh," Adelita said. "That's not good. But that was a long time ago."

"I know."

"You must be worried. I know you two are friends."

"Yeah, I'm scared. He might be fired. He might lose everything."

Both women were quiet for a moment, considering the weight of this. Then Connie's mom broke the silence.

"It might not be entirely bad," Adelita said.

"How's that?" Connie said, confused. "It seems pretty bad."

"You talk about him all the time. I know that, while he is higher up than you in the organization, you might not want to pursue something with him. But I wonder if you might have more than feelings of friendship for him."

Connie felt like the floor had just dropped out below her.

Adelita continued. "If you didn't work together anymore you might feel more free to find out if those feelings could go somewhere."

"I… I don't know, Mom. I hadn't really given it any thought. Not until yesterday."

"What happened?

"Mike was really upset, so I took him out for drinks. He got pretty drunk and… well, he kissed me."

"Oh…" Adelita said. "So he has feelings for you."

"He has for a long time. I've known for a while," Connie said.

"That's got to be hard. For both of you."

"I know."

"What's going to happen on Monday?" Adelita asked.

Connie sighed. "For now I'm just going to ignore it. I think Mike will, too. He's probably embarrassed. Or thrilled. Who knows with men? I think we'll have to talk about it, but not until after we've gotten through this case."

Adelita said softly, "He's a flawed man, but he's a good person, from everything you've told me. Just be kind."

"I always am, Mom. You taught me that."

After hanging up the phone, she held it out in front of herself and composed a text message to Mike.

How are you feeling?

She stood up and pocketed her phone in her sweatpants. It might be a while before she got an answer.

She grabbed her laundry hamper and wallet and, throwing it on top of her clothes, she left for the laundry room. She heard her phone chime in her pocket. She didn't pull it out until she reached the laundry room. It was Mike.

I'm okay. Thanks for asking. See you Monday?

Connie composed a short reply.

Of course.

Sunday morning Connie awoke early as usual. She'd resolved to do the one thing she could and go to mass at St. Francis de Sales. When she attended mass she usually took in the service en español at 12:30, but she didn't want to wait that long.

She arrived at just after 8:40, crossed herself, and sat in the middle of an empty pew. She probably had ten minutes before things started to get busy.

Closing her eyes she started with her usual prayers, her desire for peace around the world but especially in New York, and her request that God protect her family now and in the future. Then she thought about her current predicament.

Please… please help my friend Mike. He's a good man even though he's not a Catholic. He sins and needs some help with remorse, but he really is trying to do good works. It would destroy him if he were no longer able to help people the way he does. It would hurt a lot of people in the future when he's not there to fight for justice and against evil. And it would hurt me. Please… protect him from evil, and from those who would hurt him, and even more than most of us, he could use some protection from himself. Amen.

Then she opened the Bible tucked into the pew ahead of her and opened it to the book of Wisdom.

For not without means was your almighty hand,
that had fashioned the universe from formless matter,
to send upon them many bears or fierce lions,

Or newly created, wrathful, unknown beasts
breathing forth fiery breath,
Or pouring out roaring smoke,
or flashing terrible sparks from their eyes.

Not only could these attack and completely destroy them;
even their frightful appearance itself could slay.

Even without these, they could have been killed at a single blast,
pursued by justice
and winnowed by your mighty spirit.
But you have disposed all things by measure and number and weight.

For great strength is always present with you;
who can resist the might of your arm?

Indeed, before you the whole universe is like a grain from a balance,
or a drop of morning dew come down upon the earth.
But you have mercy on all, because you can do all things;
and you overlook sins for the sake of repentance.

Nine o'clock finally arrived and the worship leader walked to the ambo in front of the parishioners. The service began. There were a number of songs; the soloist was always amazing. The priest's sermon was on forgiveness – a frequent topic, and perhaps the hardest to incorporate into one's life. Then came a pause for intercessory prayers.

Having already prayed for others, she spent the time reflecting on her own life's trajectory.

What if she didn't spend so much of her life worrying about the things that might happen, or might not work out? She lost time waiting for perfect when no person ever was. She was fearless in her pursuit of good outcomes for others, but she sometimes let fear be the shelter she took when it came to her own future.

I'd just like to have the wisdom to know where I should be, where I need to be in life. Someday I'd like to have more than working and sleeping and the occasional visits with friends. Please help me find the right path for me for a fuller life. Let my heart and mind be open to receive what you might send.

At that she felt lighter. She'd put that problem into another's hands.

Notes:

I know some may not agree with the idea that a person's relationship to religion might change as they age, but it's a very real phenomenon. Jack was raised Catholic, described himself as lapsed, and I see a lot of atheism in early Jack, but I think the window would be open to revisiting it as he gained new perspective in life.

And as for Connie, I know I'm taking a fairly extreme position here, but I think she's more of a believer than she normally lets on in the workplace.

I'm an atheist (with my heart in the old ways), but I've been to one Catholic service, so my intent is respectful, and any mistakes are made in ignorance.