Shorts from Belzerg

Okay for context, a writer by the name of LotusRootsandBambooShoots (can be found at Archive of Our Own) started making a series of shorts for Xenoblade 2, and I unfortunately have this bright idea of making my own series of Konosuba shorts that will be 500-1k words or less. On top of that, you could say this is going to be a dumping ground for ideas I have that I might either incorporate or scrap into my main Konosuba story.

Chapter 1: Cells

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"Kaaaazzzzzzuuuummmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaa, I'm burning alive." Darkness groaned, as the blonde hugged herself. Right now, the crusader had been confined in a separate room of the mansion and she couldn't stop thinking of Kazuma dominating her.

All she heard was a sigh and Kazuma cynically remark "Good, keep burning!"

It should've been a quiet day for the group, just go to Wiz's shop, buy some gear, and go on a quest with said gear.

But Darkness found an apparent aphrodisiac in Wiz's shop, and had the nerve to snort it! In an instant, her irises turned into hearts as she began to look intensely at the man she was into. But before Darkness could try anything, Kazuma was quick to tie her up, and teleported her to her bedroom. Wiz apologetically explained that the aphrodisiac will wear off in a few hours, so their only option was to keep Darkness in her bedroom, and tied up with a rope so that she didn't try anything to Kazuma.

"I….swear….I'm not….horny anymore!" The crusader argued as she writhed on the floor.

"She''s still like this?" The brunet neet heard to his left. Approaching him was none other than the obsidian haired Megumin of the Crimson Demons.

"I NEED THE HOLY SWORD EXCALIBUR!" Darkness cried, even though she sounded way too happy to be in pain.

Sighing again, Kazuma asked "Does that answer your question?"

"I promise not to break your hips if you help me." The golden haired knight claimed.

Slowly moving away from the door, he responded "I doubt it…."

"Kazuma, you can still help me because…...you can't impregnate me currently!"

"What?!" Kazuma and Megumin replied.

Forcing herself next to the door, the blonde pervert explained "You two are familiar with human anatomy, right?"

"Since when did you become familiar with how the human body works, Darkness?" Megumin questioned, as an eyebrow raised and interest appeared in her dark red eyes.

"Last night…..so you're familiar with how men and women produce cells that somehow become children?" Darkness asked, a dreamy look in her deep blue eyes.

Blushing, the scarlet dressed Megumin responded "It's because men produce what's apparently known as sperm cells during sex….women create egg cells and during sex the two cells merge to create a child."

"How the hell do they know about this?" Kazuma questioned himself, almost disturbed by their knowledge of biological science. Then again, the women of Belzerg wore surprisingly modern undergarments so the people knowing how the human body works was probably not out of the question. "Thanks, Japan."

"According to my father, our stats apply to when we're in battle as well as out. And my defenses can be….used for more than fighting."

Then a thought came to Megumin. "Well, she's right on that, given all the times we've gone for jogs and Darkness always outpaces us. But if she's saying that her stats have other uses….and there's Kazuma's…."

Her crimson eyes widened as she began to question "Are you saying that Kazuma can't impregnate you because your defense is higher than his attack?!"

"I'm done here." Kazuma announced, as he walked away completely weirded out by the apparent revelation.

"As if Belzerg wasn't absurd enough, surely our stats can't carry over into our freaking cells, right? RIGHT?!"

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Rest assured, this isn't replacing A Shining Paladin, I just haven't started working on it yet.