Trigger warning

Barry couldn't sleep, he stayed in bed hoping he would soon. But it never happened. At almost five in the morning he decided to get up, he had a quick shower. Then go see if Wells was at star labs.

He was mostly glad for his healing since his wrist had almost healed. Past the point where they'd sting once he got in the shower.

After a quick shower he got dry and put on the starlabs sweater and matching sweatpants that he usually wears when he trains with Wells. He sat on his bed and sighed. Things were getting worse and Barry could tell it wasn't going to end well this time.

He stood up and walked back into his bathroom. He took the blade out from where he put it back last night and sat on the edge of his bathtub. He pulled his sleeve up and held the blade to his wrist.

He slid it across a few times, blood beading up and threatening to roll round his arm and to the ground.

He stopped after about the eighth one, deciding if he still wanted to be at star labs early he have to leave soon.

He cleaned the few drops of blood that landed on the floor and cleaned his blade under the water before putting it away. He ran out his door, quickly locking it before he made his way to his second job.

When he got there it seemed quiet, it seemed empty. Though he heard Wells chair coming towards him.

"You here early," Wells said as he entered the room.

"Couldn't get back to sleep, thought I'd come early and wait for you."

"You obviously never listened when I told you I get here every day at six."

"I don't remember you saying that," he said with a small smile, which Wells returned. "We could get an early start. If that's alright?"

Barry really hoped he'd agree, as much as he used to be reluctant to do this he really needed the distraction. He had also started enjoying it recently.

"Sounds good."

Barry got there before Wells, so he set it all up and started running while Wells was coming into the room.

"Thank you for setting this up, your getting better at that," Wells said as he started monitoring him.

Barry didn't say anything he just kept running, he wondered when Caitlin and Cisco would be getting in. He wondered what Joe was going to say when he finally spoke to him about yesterday. He wondered how Snart was doing.

Then his thoughts went back to where they were an hour earlier and last night. His thoughts went back to that night when he stood on that roof. When he called Oliver. He wondered what everything would be like if he hadn't called him. If he had just let go like he desperately wanted to.

"Barry?" Wells shouted through to him. "You need to stop!"

Barry didn't listen, he just started running faster. He wondered why he was to stop, but he didn't question it. His vision started going blurry, before he felt himself slowing down. It wasn't intentional.

He felt pain in his whole body before everything went black.

Barry tried to open his eyes, his eyelids were heavy and whatever room he was in was too bright. Though he heard movement in the room, he felt something in his arm. Something wrapped around his wrist.

That made him panic.

He opened his eyes quickly to look, he felt like the light had just blinded him. Though after a few moments he could see clearly. He saw a bandage around his wrist and an iv in his other arm.

"Your finally awake," he heard Caitlin say from what sounded like the other side of the room.

"What happened?" Barry said as he sat up and swung his feet out so they were on the ground. He saw Caitlin's face when he did, like she didn't want him to.

"You passed out. If your in any pain it's because you hit the wall."

"I guessed I passed out. But why."

"Your glucose levels were low, really low, lower than last time," she said softly as she sat on the chair next to him.

"That's why Wells told me to stop."

"Why didn't you?"

"I don't know. I didn't think anything was wrong. I was..in my head too much."

"Have you been eating?"

"Yeah," he said giving her his usual fake smile, even though he knew she knew he was lying. About being okay. About eating.

"Not enough, not even enough for someone who doesn't have your powers."

She sounded worried.

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I..I don't uhh..."

"It's okay," she said putting her hand over his. "Can we talk about your..your arm?"

"Can we talk about you always taking my clothes off?"

That made her smile.

"You hit the wall pretty hard, I was just making sure you were okay and didn't break anything."

"I'm fine."

"You had a concussion. And some of..some were still bleeding," she said cautiously while looking at his arm.

"What time is it?" Barry asked, not wanting to talk about what Caitlin obviously did.

"It's a little past half ten."

"Shit I need to go," Barry said as he began to take the needle out his arm, Caitlin's hand stopped him.

"Your not going to work today, I spoke to Joe he's told Singh you can't come in."

"What? What did you tell him?"

"The truth. That you passed out, why I think you passed out and..that you'd done that again."

"Telling him that wasn't your decision to make," Barry shouted, not really meaning to.

"I'm worried about you. We all are. Joe seems to be the only one who you really talk to, who you really trust. I did what I thought was right."

"Yeah I..I know. Sorry for shouting at you."

"It's okay, Joe's coming to see you in his lunch break. You should get some rest."

"How long do I have to stay here?"

"Until your glucose levels are at a normal range for you. A couple hours maybe, maybe a little less."

"You done that in like two hours last time. Why is it going to take so long this time?"

"So we don't shock your system, when it happened last time you had not long come out of a coma. And you were eating more."

Barry just awkwardly nodded, he always felt uncomfortable when he spoke about that with Snart. It was more uncomfortable with Caitlin.

"Try and get some more rest, Wells said you didn't sleep last night," she said as she stood up.

"Thanks."

Barry lay back down in the bed as Caitlin walked out the room. He knew she'd be close by, but still wanting him to have a little privacy. He decided that having a short nap was a good idea.

Barry woke up to voices, it had been silent before. When he woke up the first time, when he was talking to Caitlin. He sat up slowly, he looked out the door to see Joe talking to Cisco and Caitlin in the cortex.

He didn't was to disturb their conversation so he just stayed sitting there, not saying anything. Just staring at the wall in front of him. He didn't know what they were saying but he knew they most likely were talking about him.

He heard footsteps coming towards him, he looked up to see Caitlin give him a smile as she walked to the side of his bed. Joe was walking behind her.

She took the needle out his arm and moved the iv stand away. She threw the iv bags into the trash can that Barry could see already had a lot in.

"Your done with that, I want you to stay a little longer so I can make sure you keep getting better but you should be able to go soon."

"Thank you," he said smiling back, he looked to Joe who had a pizza box in his hands. "Oh I'm..I'm not hungry."

"You still need to eat Barry, you should be hungry," Caitlin said as she walked out the door.

Joe sat on the edge of the bed at the bottom putting the pizza between them and opened it.

"It's your favourite," he said giving him a worried smile. Barry gave a weak one back.

"Thanks."

Barry took a slice before Joe did, he ate it slowly. Not fully sure he wanted it.

"I'm sorry you had to cover for me at work."

"I told him the truth. You saw your doctor today and she was worried about a few things so she kept you in. I didn't tell him any full details, I said you didn't tell me everything."

That made Barry smile. A real smile. "I don't remember telling you anything."

"Exactly," he said returning the smile.

Once Barry finished his first slice, he sat back and lent again the wall behind him. He moved the bandage on his wrist a little, making it sit more comfortable.

"I know Snart having to leave couldn't have been easy for you. I'm sorry I didn't check in."

"It's fine."

He knew he was talking about what he'd done, talking about why he had the bandages. He hated talking about this, but he knew Joe wanted to.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"I knew you were seeing someone. I knew you couldn't have been that happy from just therapy and being flash. As much as I don't like Snart, I'm glad he was there."

"What do you mean?"

"Things started getting bad for you and I didn't know how to help. It's not the same problems as when you were small. When all I needed to do to make you safe was wrap you up in bed in blankets and read you your favourite book. I was scared I was going to lose you. But he brought you back from that place and I'm so glad he did."

"Your not gonna lose me. I'm not going anywhere."

"I wish I could believe that. But since..that night. When Oliver called. Whenever someone calls me and it's about you. I get so scared. That you done something, or your about to."

Barry felt tears in his eyes, like the ones he could see in Joe's. He never knew he felt that way. Guilt began making him feel nauseous, it took away the little appetite he had.

"I know you don't like talking about what's going on in your head. But please. If it gets bad again, please come to me. Or someone. Please?"

Barry nodded. He didn't know what to say.

"I will," he managed to say quietly. "I'm sorry."

"No," Joe moved the pizza box onto the chair next to the bed and moved over. "You don't need to be sorry."

Joe pulled Barry into his arms, holding him tight. Barry still felt guilty for making him feel that fear. That panic.