Trigger warning
It had been two weeks since that first accident. After another one Caitlin made Barry keep a food diary, that he had to write down everything he ate. His therapist agreed that it was a good idea.
Barry didn't like it.
Caitlin was never happy with how much he ate, she was never happy if he lied. She was only happy he ate a lot. Which had only happened a few times. And Barry always hated himself after. Hated how he felt. How much he'd eaten.
Which almost always ended up with him sitting on his bathroom floor with a blade to his wrist thigh.
Caitlin and his therapist both said he had an eating disorder. That all the signs were there. He didn't believe them. He knew he couldn't have an eating disorder.
When they asked why he said that, he tried saying he wasn't a teenager girl. He knew as a csi and someone who wasn't born about fifty years ago that it wasn't just a teen girl thing but still, that's what he said.
Because really he knew his reasons weren't good enough. His reasons would tell them even more that they were right.
His reasons being that he wasn't thin enough, he ate too much, he didn't eat the right foods. He didn't overdo his work outs.
Caitlin told Joe who, with Barry's permission, told Iris. As much as he didn't want her to know he knew she'd know something was up. She always did.
The three were having dinner together, Eddie came too. It was the first meal the four had had together. Barry helped Joe with what to make, the two knew if Barry knew in advance what he was having it'd be easier for him.
At least it was supposed to.
Barry had said before dinner had started to both Joe and Iris not to say anything about anything to Eddie, not to say anything if he takes a small break between eating.
Which they agreed to. Neither of them did.
Things started off well. It was about half way through dinner that things went badly.
Barry took a break, he put his fork down and started drinking his water. He put his cup down and just listened to the conversation. Not really wanting to keep eating, Eddie noticed that.
"Your not eating," Eddie said from the other side of the table. "You know when I see you, you almost always have food with you."
That caused Iris to slip his arm and Joe to to give him death stares. Barry knew he was joking. But it still hurt.
"Why would you say that?" Iris asked quietly, though it wasn't too quiet.
"It was just a joke. Barry got that right? You know it was just a joke?"
"Yeah, I..I know," Barry said awkwardly. "It's fine."
"You sure it's fine?" Joe whispered to him.
"I'm gonna go to the bathroom."
Barry stood up, he felt Joe and Iris watching as he left the room. Once he got to the bathroom he locked the door behind him. He splashed water in his face and looked up into the mirror.
He knew it was just a joke. But it didn't feel like a joke. It wasn't funny to him like jokes should be.
He wanted to leave, he wanted to run. And keep running. He didn't know where he wanted to go but he wanted to be somewhere else.
He considered doing it. Going to see Oliver or going out as the flash. He didn't want to do that to Joe and Iris. But the thought of going down, sitting there and eating again is what made up his mind.
He climbed out Iris's old window, since that was the quiet one and he ran. He wasn't sure where he was going at first until he ran past the Starcity sign.
He kept running until he reached the bunker. He went down in the elevator and was greeted to an arrow facing him once the doors opened. Not a bow, just the arrow that was getting held by Felicity.
"Oh my god. I thought you were someone coming to kill me," she said as he dropped her hand.
"If someone was coming to kill you I think the elevator would be the last way the decide to break in," he said with a smile as he took the arrow out her hand and put it back on the table with the others.
She soon pulled him into a hug. Which he wasn't expecting, though it was slightly uncomfortable he hugged her back.
"Have they not been feeding you?" She asked as she pulled away, she had a small smile which told him that it was a joke.
"Been working out more." Barry smiled back.
Barry watched as she began walking back to the computers. He followed and stood behind her.
"I'm guessing Oliver's out?"
"Yeah, he should be back soon I think."
"Who's there?" Oliver asked over coms.
"It's Barry," she said before looking at him. "You can sit down."
Barry looked to his left and saw another chair. He didn't even notice it, he sat and watched Felicity help Oliver make his way around whatever building he was in.
Felicity didn't recognise this Barry, he was usually smiling and bubbly. And hopeful. This Barry wasn't. She saw his legs bunching up and down, while he was fidgeting with his sweater sleeves.
His phone started ringing, causing him to panic and get it out his pocket as fast as he could.
"I'll be back," he said before standing up and walking down the steps away from her.
"Can he still hear me?" Oliver asked while starting his bike up which she could hear.
"Don't think so."
"Does he seem okay? Or do you think something wrong?"
"He doesn't seem his usual self."
"In what way?"
"He's usually..hopeful and happy. He's not. His smile doesn't seem real and he's lost weight. He said he's just working out more but..it seems different," she said while looking back at him a few times.
"Okay, thanks. I'll be there as fast as I can."
"See you soon."
Barry walked back over a couple minutes later. He sat back down in the chair he was in before, his leg began bouncing up and down again. She wondered if it was an anxiety thing or if it was something else.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah, it was just Joe telling me Iris and Eddie were going home." He sounded off, he didn't sound how he usually did.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," he lied with a fake smile, Felicity could tell, that made her realise she'd spent too much time around Oliver. "I'm fine."
Barry had uncomfortably been sitting with felicity for about ten minutes, which in speedster time felt like ten hours. Maybe even longer. He wanted to go for a run. He wanted something that would distract him from the uncomfortable feeling. From the thoughts in his head.
Though he knew he couldn't.
He just sat there, unintentionally bouncing his knees up and down. He could tell it was starting to annoy Felicity but he could help it.
"Do you know how long it takes for him to get back?"
"It's only been five minutes. So probably another ten."
"It's only been five minutes?" He sounded surprised. Even though it felt like it'd been hours he thought it had at least been double that.
"Yeah sorry," she said with a small smile.
"Do you not get bored waiting for him to get back?"
"Oh I don't always wait."
"You don't need to if you weren't going to."
"You sure you'll be okay?"
"I'm fine, so if you wanted to go you can. I'll probably just text Iris or something."
"Thank you," she said as she stood up. "It was good seeing you."
Barry stood up, he gave her a small hug before she got her things and walked into the elevator. He pulled out his phone and clicked on Iris's name.
Barry: Hey sorry I bailed
He stood up after sending it, he needed to be on his feet. He walked around the room for a while, not really doing much though he soon stopped at Olivers table full of arrows and arrow heads.
He picked up one of the smaller ones, he stabbed it into his finger, not really meaning to. It was sharper than it looked.
"Careful with those."
Barry jumped, he didn't know Oliver was back. He turned to face him, still holding the arrow, holding his finger into the palm of his hand not wanting to get blood anywhere.
"Their sharp," he said with a small smile as he walked over and put his bow down. "I'll get you a bandaid."
"Sorry," he said as he put the arrow down.
"It's fine, where's Felicity?"
"She went home."
"Okay," he said before walking back over. "Give me your hand."
"I can do that myself," he said as Oliver took his hand and pulled it over to himself.
Barry panicked when his sleeve slid up when he done that. He knew that Oliver saw, Barry knew pulling his sleeve back down would bring more attention to it.
Causing him to wait until Oliver finished putting the bandaid around his finger to pull his arm away. He pulled both his sleeves over his hands.
"So are you hungry?" He asked, seemingly not caring about the scars he'd just seen on Barry's wrist.
"I just came from dinner."
"But did you eat?"
"Yeah," Barry lied, Oliver gave him a look, he knew he didn't believe him. "I ate some of it."
"What happened? I'm guessing something happened at dinner."
"Eddie made some stupid joke, it didn't feel like a joke to me. So I left, I was just going to go for a run but I ended up here."
"That's okay, I don't mind. I know you said your not hungry but I am, is it alright to go out for something for me? The walk the might be a good time to talk too."
"That's fine."
"Just let me get changed," Oliver said as he began to walk out towards the back, though he stopped and faced Barry again. "You weren't going to hurt yourself with that arrow were you?"
"No," he said while shaking his head. He hadn't even thought about that.
"Okay good, just had to make sure."
Barry watched as he finished walking away, he understood why he asked. Oliver was back in less than ten minutes, he lead Barry into the elevator and out the building heading towards big belly burger.
Barry didn't really want to tell Oliver some things. But he still did. He knew Oliver didn't judge him either.
He told him about Snart, about the few times he passed out and why. He told him about the food diary Caitlin and his therapist want him to do. He told him that they think he has an eating disorder.
Though he made sure Oliver knew he didn't have one. Though he wasn't sure if he believed him.
He told him about his self harm, he wasn't going to but he already knew. He told him that it was getting worse. That the thoughts in his head were getting worse.
And Oliver didn't judge him like he didn't think he would. He didn't try to help. He just listened, which Barry didn't realise was something he needed.