May

I entered my clinic for the first time a week after the accident. Just like the hospital I was spending my days at, it smelled of antiseptic and was so damn white. I nodded in the direction of the only patient in the waiting room and walked to the reception. Maria, the young receptionist, offered a sympathetic smile and it warmed my heart like I never knew it could. She took my hand in hers and told me she was praying every night for Rose to get better and I thanked her for that. All of my employees knew Rose and were fond of her. They always exchanged pleasantries every time she came over, most of the time bringing coffee for everyone. My perfect wife. I felt the tears prickle my eyes, but I swallowed them down right away.

I missed her smile, most of all. And the kindness of her heart. The way she could bring joy in a room only by entering it. I could still hear the sound of her laugh every time I entered the house. I dreamt of it every night. I would give anything to have her come back to me. Only a week had gone by, yet it felt like years.

I walked to the break room to find my assistant of the past six years, Lauren. She stood up right away and didn't ask any questions before closing the door and hugging me. The first hug I received in the past eight days. I broke down. The tears and the loud sobs were finally getting out of me, making my shoulders less heavy. Lauren didn't try to silence me or calm me down, she let me evacuate what I needed to, for how long I needed it.

She prepared me a cup of coffee once I returned to my senses and she sat with me. Lauren had been in my life for almost seven years, longer than Rose. She was probably the second person in the world to know me better than I knew myself. I was Uncle Cal to her kids. She was my work wife, as people called it.

"How is she?" Lauren finally asked me.

"She's still intubated. No sign of awareness so far either. The ICU people are amazing, though, and I could not thank them enough for what they are doing. I know it's their job but…" I trailed off, running my thumb over my wedding ring. "I just… I miss her so much," I said, my voice breaking.

I wiped the tears from my face and sniffled discretely. She put her hand over mine and it managed to soothe me. She knew, most of all people, what Rose meant to me. She knew from the very beginning. The day after our first date, I told Lauren that I would marry this girl. For the first time in my life, I had experienced love at first sight.

"Well, I don't want you to worry about the clinic, alright? Alexander and I have everything under control. You just focus on Rose for the time being."

"Thank you," I managed to say.

"Do you need someone to take care of your dog? Do you want me to make you some food?"

"I'm good, Lauren. Thanks," I repeated.

She hugged me again and I got some things from my office before leaving for the hospital.

When I entered the room, Rose's doctor and two nurses were around her and out of instinct, I panicked. I coughed to announce myself and the doctor turned around, showing a faint smile. I swallowed nervously before looking down at my unconscious wife then back to the man standing next to her.

"We're taking her for an MRI," he told me to reassure me.

"Oh," I muttered. "Okay."

"I will bring her back in an hour, tops," he said and I nodded.

I approached the bed and kissed her forehead quickly before letting the staff taking her away. My hand ran through my hair as I sat in the chair, restless. My right leg was shaking and I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I tried taking deep breaths through my nose but it was useless. I browsed my phone to distract me from the agitation until I heard the wheels of a bed in the hallway. The nurses brought her in while the doctor asked me to follow him into his office.

He invited me to sit down and offered me coffee. I declined, knowing it would not help my anxiety nor the fact that I could barely sleep at night. To be welcomed by an empty bed every night was when the situation hit me the hardest. Would she ever come back? How would she come back? I was told that the trauma to her leg could be more than only superficial.

"Any change?" I demanded before he could say anything.

"No," he replied honestly. "Mr. Hockley, I must ask… If the condition persists, was there an arrangement that your wife made or that she may have spoke of to you."

My head started to spin as the unthinkable was shoved into my face. I closed my eyes and tried to catch my breath. I could remember the time we sat on the couch, watching a documentary episode about Terry Wallis, and how Rose could not get over the fact that he spent nineteen years into a coma.

"Don't keep me hooked up on machines for years if this ever happens to me. It wouldn't be fair to you or me. If you know there is no hope left of my coming back, let me go."

Let me go. Let. Me. Go.

These were the words echoing inside my head.

"Do you think she can get through this? Is there any chance, even the slightest, that she will wake up?" I asked in a plaintive cry.

"I'm afraid there is no way to know that. As long as there is activity in her brain, a small chance will always linger. She may also gradually come out of her coma, maybe in a vegetative state or make a full recovery. But she could also…"

"Die," I finished for him, the word barely a whisper.

"Yes," he concurred. "She's in good hands here, I assure you."

"I know she is," I said, the corner of my mouth managing a tiny smile.

"We'll see how it progresses and maybe we will have a better idea of the outcome in a few days, or weeks."

I nodded and he told me I could go back to my wife. I left with a thank you and spent the rest of the day at Rose's bedside, holding her hand. I talked to her softly, about Ginger mostly and how we both missed her at home and couldn't wait for her to get better and come back. I considered spending the night with her but the night shift nurses urged me to go home and have a decent night of sleep.

Once again, I barely slept. The only thing I could think about was the three words that once left her mouth. Let me go.

I took her pillow and hugged it as fiercely as I could, wishing I was holding her instead. I bowed my head to find her smell and when it finally came to my nose, a tear rolled down my face to disappear into the soft pillowcase.