Two months have passed since the 2nd Divine Battle for Putang, the city itself was still recovering from the destruction wrought by the Crossers, Moon Goonz, and their ghastly allies. As per routine, the exact nature of the conflict was kept under wraps by the wider media, being owned by various individuals with ties to the immortal planes, mainly Hell, and reported throughout the globe as just another urban gang war. The public, of course, ate it up. As for the city's populace, they were used to such chaotic events, so for them life proceeded as normal.
Of course, for some people, things would never be the same. This was no more true than for Helmet, the knight who single-handedly wiped out all of the Nullsouled within the city. His once stable Council of Five was turned into Four with the destruction of the Moon Goonz and with the Crossers' reputation in shambles, it would be difficult to place any trust in them until Bandana reforms them completely. Speaking of reformation, he remembered his charges, Flat Cap and Loincloth. He had grounded them as punishment for partially causing and worsening the whole ordeal. Two months seemed enough time.
He first went to Flat Cap's room, placing his hand on the door and releasing the ward he placed, preventing the angel from leaving the room. He then heard footsteps from inside and quickly stepped to the side before the door was knocked off it's hinges by a wide-eyed and very sober Flat Cap, wearing nothing but his underwear and scratch marks all over his body. His head then snapped to the knight, making an audible cracking sound. "Yoooooou…." He muttered, slowly grabbing Helmet's shoulders, squeezing them tightly, "Maniac…Torturer...Two...fuckin'...months...No drugs...No alcohol...No hot babes or twinks to bang...Only a hand to keep me company…"
"Maybe next time thou shall think twice before selling your God-given abilities for narcotics." Helmet said, removing the angel's cum stained hands from his shoulders, "Now then, do go shower, Ser Flat Cap. I shall have a syringe ready for you whe-" The nanosecond that Helmet mentioned a syringe, Flat Cap was gone. The only indicator of his presence there was a dust cloud that he kicked up as it dissipated. Helmet sighed and moved on to Loincloth's room.
As soon as he dispelled the ward, the door opened and there stood Loincloth, as if he had been waiting in that same spot for the last 2 months. One notable difference in Loincloth's appearance, besides his smell was the thinness of his body. It was still quite muscular, but not the hulking, pulsating, and god-like physique he'd normally have. Not to mention the slight pot belly he was developing, as opposed to his rock hard six pack. He slowly leaned down, coming face to face with the knight. "Asshole." He said harshly.
"Your weights and a table of various prepared meats are in the nave." Helmet responded, unfazed by the angry and possibly very hungry giant's gaze as he simply turned and walked away. Loincloth soon followed.
"Now then." Helmet began as he watched Loincloth devour the meats and Flat Cap inject the syringe's contents into his arm, "As you two reacquaint yourselves with earthly pastimes and indulgences, I must inform you that on this day: We shall be receiving a new member within our church! That, of course, being another angel fallen from grace."
Loincloth's attention was focused purely on eating with Flat Cap laying down in the pew, letting the drug do it's work.
"Tis always a sad thing." Helmet continued, "A divine child of God succumbing to sin, but such is the price we pay for free will, one of the Lord's greatest gifts. He should be here any minute now." As Helmet checked his wrist sundial, lighting struck the ground in front of him, creating a thick cloud of dust and diverting the angels' attention from their indulgences. Within the dust clouds, a figure slowly stood up, towering over even Loincloth. It's limbs were like tree trunks and had a slight hunchback. Was this truly an angel of God or a sort of monster? The clouds eventually dissipated and to the angels' surprise, the massive figure was just a trick of the light. Instead, the angel was not only shorter than Flat Cap, but it wore no shirt, no shoes, and was covered completely head to toe in hair.
"A fucking chimp?!" Loincloth exclaimed, almost choking on a piece of meat.
"Yooooo! Monkey!" Flat Cap shouted in an ecstatic tone, practically jumping off the pew..
"His name is Ser Slacks." Helmet introduced, patting the chimp's head as it picked it's nose, "and you'd do well to show some respect, Ser Loincloth. He is, after all, your elder."
"Excuse me?" The giant asked as he did curls with his 5 ton dumbbells.
"I know tis hard to believe, but Slacks here is 587,642 years old." As Helmet said this, Slacks began exploring the area, sniffing the air and occasionally scratching his behind. "So please, do treat him as you would your fellow angels."
"It's a chimpanzee. One of the most violent animals on the planet. So forgive me if I have trouble showing it respect, let alone considering it my equal."
"What exactly did he do to get the boot?" Flat Cap asked as Slacks climbed onto the pew and sat next to him.
"Chimp, Flat Cap!" Loincloth said as he moved on to lateral arm lifts, "It's a chimp! Not that hard to figure out!"
"Let us see..." Helmet said, putting out a file from what could only be assumed his back pocket and opened it. "Hmmm, seems Ser Slacks has a nasty track record of excessive violence, overindulgence in foodstuffs, and...strange carnal tastes." As he spoke, Flat Cap handed Slacks a lit cigar, who curiously accepted it and took a puff before suddenly pulling Flat Cap's bread.
"Ow! Ya fuckin' bastard!" Flat Cap yelped, slapping the chimp on the head, which made him let go and hop off the pew.
"So the chimp was kicked out of Heaven...for being a chimp. Like I said, not hard to figure out." Loincloth then began doing squats.
"When I speak of excessiveness, I do so in relation to the nature of the sinner in question. Slack's nature is that of a chimp, so what is excessive for thou could be considered expected and completely normal behavior for Slacks."
"So if I mauled someone, I'd get in trouble. But if Slacks does the same thing, he's off the hook cause he's a chimp?"
Helmet nodded. "More or less, yes."
"That is some bullshit!" Loincloth shouted, throwing his dumbbells to the ground.
"Speakin' of Slacks, where did he go?" Flat Cap asked, having noticed the chimp's absence.
"I thought you were watching him."
"I was listenin' to 'Elmet." The three then heard something shatter and quickly went to investigate. They entered the kitchen and saw Slacks, hanging from the side of an open cabinet as he grabbed plates and threw them to the ground, expressing delight at the sound they made as they shattered.
"Oi, knock that off!" Flat Cap exclaimed and tried to grab Slacks, but the chimp was too quick, leaping from the cabinet and landing on the table. Loincloth then tried his luck, but was just as unsuccessful as Slacks dodged and hopped onto the giant's head and used it as a launch point to once again leap across the room and onto the counter, climbing out a nearby open window. The three could only watch as Slacks ran across the street and climbed up the building on the other side with frightening speed.
"I take it you left that open, Helmet?" Loincloth asked.
"Unfortunately, yes." Helmet answered, rubbing the back of his head, "I wanted to get some fresh air in here."
"You don't think he'll hurt anyone, right 'Elmet?" Flat Cap asked, turning his head to the knight. Helmet said nothing. "I-I-I know 'e's a chimp but 'e can't cause that much trouble, right? Right?" Helmet turned to the doorway. "We best make haste." He answered as he exited the kitchen.
Across the city's rooftops, Slack was running and leaping freely. He didn't know where he was or who those three tall hairless people were, but his instincts told him he needed to get out of there and as far away as he could after they interrupted his plate smashing fun. He soon ran out of rooftop to leap to and stopped at the edge of his current position. He took a moment to observe the people below, some walking about and others sitting at round tables under big sheets, eating various foods that made his mouth water and his stomach growl.
He took a few steps back to getting a running start and dashed to the edge, leaping off. Two ethereal bird-like wings formed on his back and used to glide to a man eating spaghetti. The man quickly spotted him and ran away, not wanting to be attacked by a flying chimpanzee. Slacks landed on the table, almost knocking it over and proceeded to devour the noodly goodness before moving to the next table, scaring off the rest of patrons with his screeches and yowling. A nearby police officer noticed the commotion and went to investigate, finding the chimp currently feasting on a bowl of strawberries. The officer immediately pulled out his gun. "Freeze!" He shouted before firing.
Slacks dodged the bullet, hopping off the table and onto the hood of a passing taxi cab. The driver panicked, trying to shake the chimp off the hood, but ended up crashing into another car. The momentum sent the chimp flying off the hood and onto the pavement. Slacks picked up himself and rubbed his head as he watched more and more cars crash, causing the road to become completely blocked off with wrecked cars. Of course, being a chimp, Slacks didn't understand the consequences of what he just did and simply continued on his merry way before he saw something slither into a nearby alley. He wasn't sure why, but despite his mind telling him otherwise, he felt compelled to follow it and follow it he did.
"This is fuckin' ridiculous, mate." Flat Cap, now fully dressed, sighed as he flew through the skies above the city, looking down below through a pair of binoculars for any sign of Slacks, "Why a chimp? Like, I like chimps don't get me wrong, but why did we 'ave to get dumped with him?"
"Don't ask me." Loincloth answered from the street level over his earphone as he gazed upon the pile of wrecked cars, "Ask the oh so wise and mighty Lord from above."
"I shall take your blasphemy, Ser Loincloth, as simple frustration of our hairy friend's wily behaviors." Helmet said, as having finished talking with the police officer who had shot at Slacks. "Have thou found anything, Ser Flat Cap?"
"Nope." Flat Cap answered, "Don't see hair or hide of the shitester." His cell phone then started ringing. He took out his phone and saw that the call was coming from his adopted son, Vest. "Ah, shite." He pressed the answer button and held the phone to his ear. "'Ey, Vest. What do ya need?"
"Hey, Flat Cap." Vest began, "Sorry if you're busy right now, but me and Ruka found signs of ghost activity yesterday and I wanted to know if you had been given any clues relating to that."
"Motherfucker, now? Out of all times?" Flat Cap groaned.
"I-Is something wrong, Flat Cap?" Vest asked.
"Fer starters, me and Loins got a new partner this mornin'. Thing is: 'E's a bloody ape."
"An ape? You mean like Loincloth?"
"No, an actual ape. A chimpanzee."
This news left Vest stunned. "Chimps can become angels?"
"Apparently so and this one's got a history with violence, stuffin' 'is face, and, accordin' to 'Elmet, strange carnal tastes. The fucker ran off and if we don't find 'im, the little bastard's likely to cause more damage than a ghost will."
"Need any help? Me and Ruka can-"
"No! Absolutely not!" Flat Cap snapped, "We're talkin' a chimp with angel powers! You get in that thing's way, and yer liable to get yer face ripped off or worse!" He then began to descend to the ground, eventually landing at the crash site where Loincloth stood, "Just...just stay inside or down in Hell until me and Loins catch 'im, okay? I don't want ya gettin' hurt."
"I can handle myself, but okay. What about the ghost?"
"When it becomes a problem, we'll deal with it. Now I gotta go. Later, Vest." He hung up and put his phone away.
"Well, spot anything?" Loincloth asked.
Flat Cap shook his head. "Not a damn thing."
"Fuck…" Loincloth muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Where could he have gone?"
"Maybe to the local pet store and find 'imself a lass to plow?"
"I should hit you for putting that image in my head."
"'E's a horny fucker, ain't 'e? It'd make sense."
"That will not be necessary." Helmet said as he approached the angels, "A witness has told me where Ser Slacks has gone."
"Where?" The angels asked in unison which then cut to a scene of them miserably troughing through the muck and grime of Putang's sewers.
"I'm gonna strangle that monkey." Flat Cap grumbled, "These were my good shoes."
"Shoes are replaceable, but the smell down here..." Loincloth pinched his nose closed, "It's unbearable."
"One would think you two would be used to the sewers by now." Helmet commented, leading the way with a torch, "Thou have been here multiple times."
"Yeah, but that was in the nicer parts of the sewers where the Goonz and Gators kept it relatively clean and somewhat livable."
Helmet then suddenly stopped and signaled the angels to stop as well.
"What? Was it something I-" Loincloth said before being shushed by Helmet.
"Listen." The knight whispered. At first, all that could be heard was the dripping of water from the ceiling and the occasional squeaking rat. Then they heard it. A faint yowl from within the darkness beyond them.
"I heard it. Follow me." Loincloth grabbed the torch from Helmet's hand and took the lead, running headlong into the darkness.
"Oi!" Flat Cap exclaimed as he and Helmet ran to keep up with the giant, "Why the fuck you actin' loik you know 'is exact location now?!"
"Because unlike you, I don't dull my senses with cheap drugs and loud music." Loincloth answered, making an immediate left turn at an intersection. The three eventually reached a sort of central chamber with 10 tunnels, each one on the opposite end of the other, and no sign of Slacks anywhere.
"Ya sure yer old man ears aren't fuckin' wit ya?" Flat Cap asked as they looked around.
"This is where the sound came from. I'm certain." Loincloth answered. As the trio continued searching the chamber, Flat Cap stepped into something particularly wet and squishy. He grimaced and looked down, expecting to see a pile of rat shit. Instead, the wet goop he stepped into was pitch black and when he looked closer, it had a very faint red glow to it. As he was about to notify his comrades of the goop, he noticed droplets falling at an unusually fast rate above him. Looking up, his irritation and confusion became dread and terror as his eyes met with four large ones that glowed a bright red, below them a gaping mouth that drooled excessively.
"Holy fuck!" Flat Cap yelled as the ghost propelled it's serpentine body downward to devour the angel whole, but Flat Cap managed to dodge it's pit of a mouth, quickly taking off his cap and readying his weapon as Loincloth and Helmet took notice of the commotion. They readied themselves for battle when another ghost dropped from the ceiling behind Helmet and whacked him with it's tail, sending the knight flying to the wall and knocking him unconscious.
"Helmet!" Loincloth shouted with more and more of the snake-like ghosts descending and surrounding the angels. He felt a shiver down his spine as the ghosts slithered towards him. "I hate snakes." One of the ghosts launched themselves at the giant, only to be chopped into by his axe. "Come on, then!" While Loincloth hacked and slashed, Flat Cap sprayed and prayed, hitting some of the ghosts but for one he killed, three more took it's place.
"Sweet Mary and Joseph, these fuckers just keep comin'!" He then noticed a few of them approaching Helmet as he laid there helplessly. "Shite!" Using the butt of his gun as a club, he bashed and whacked his way to the unconscious crusader's body, positioning himself in front, and gunned down any ghost that got too close.
"Come on, 'Elmet!" Flat Cap shouted, "Wake up, goddammit! We need yer crazy crusader Deus Vult shite and we need it right fuckin' now!"
"Focus, Flat Cap!" Loincloth shouted in response as he cleaved six more ghosts. "He can't help us if he's ghost chow!" He was trying his best to spot the leader of this scaly horde, as the ghosts they were slaughtering were simply minions, noting the lack of heavens that came out of them when they died. But as the fight went on, all he saw were more and more of the minions. If this kept up, he might actually get overwhelmed within a few days. Glancing over to Flat Cap, his remaining time was considerably less given the desperation on his face as he screamed wildly, spraying bullets left, right, center, above, and below and occasionally twirling his gun to club a ghost. They were actually going to die here.
But then, he heard a familiar screeching coming from one of the tunnels. It was getting closer and closer until it's source came into view. It was Slacks and his expression was that of a beast out for blood. He was pantless and held a spear in his hands that was both divine and primitive, much like Loincloth's axe. The chimp leaped into the air and impaled one of the ghosts with his spear as he landed. He quickly pulled it out and stood back to back with Loincloth.
"I apologize for my delay." He said with a crisp and formal voice, "These sewers are very difficult to navigate."
"Wait, you can talk?!" Loincloth yelled, absolutely dumbfounded by the talking chimp standing behind him.
"Yes and I don't have the time to explain how. If we survive, I'll tell you everything."
"You'd fucking better."
Letting out a battle cry, the two angels proceeded to tear through the ghosts. With Loincloth chopping down group after group, Slacks would thrust his spear into any ghost he missed or were attempting an attack from his blind spots. This resurgence in energy made the serpents hesitant in continuing their assault and starting retreating en masse. The area was littered with exploded ghost goop and the three angels stood triumphant.
"Jesus…" Flat Cap muttered, "That was intense." He looked over to Helmet, who was still unconscious, and sighed. All of this for a chimp. He placed his namesake back on his head, picked up the knight and carried him on his back to Loincloth and Slacks, who straightened himself and turned to the giant.
"You are certainly skilled with your weapon. You must have plenty of experience." He said, which made Flat Cap drop Helmet in shock.
"You can talk?!" He shouted.
"Yes." Slacks nodded, "For the second time, I am capable of speech."
"So how come you didn't say anything before?" Loincloth asked, "Also why are you so sophisticated now when you were smashing plates and pulling beards an hour ago?"
Slack said nothing, instead he tossed his spear to Flat Cap and immediately started walking on all fours once more, oooing and aaaing and stopping to pick his nose before scooped up some of the ghost goop and licked it. He found the taste somewhat appeasing and ate the whole piece in his hand, much to Loincloth and Flat Cap's disgust.
"I think I'm gonna be sick." Loincloth commented as Flat Cap tossed the spear back to Slacks, who instinctively caught it. He stood back up on his hind legs and wiped the remaining goop off his hand.
"My apologies." He said walking back to the angels, "My sins have given me strange tastes."
"Strange would be putting it lightly."
"So yer spear gives ya increased intelligence or some shite?" Flat Cap asked, picking Helmet back up.
"Something to that effect, yes." Slacks answered.
"If that's the case, why not 'ave it out all the time so you ain't causin' trouble fer everyone?"
"While humans and angels cherish their sapience, I prefer spending my days in blissful ignorance, not having to stress over the many questions beings of higher intelligence are forced to ponder over and go mad trying to answer. Unfortunately, as an angel I have my duties and cannot perform effectively as a dung-flinging miscreant. So whenever I am threatened or see ghosts and demons, I instinctively draw my weapon and all the extended knowledge I acquired returns to me."
"Like opening a locked chest and closing it when you're through with it's contents." Loincloth said, to which Slacks nodded.
"'Old up," Flat Cap interjected, "If ye were simply livin' the monkey life in 'Eaven, why did ya get sent here?"
"Ah, that...Well...There were times where I drew my spear in Heaven and sometimes I partook in...guilty pleasures during those times and my primitive self would do those more frequently, despite knowing bad things would happen if I did. As a result, they did."
"'Onestly, I can relate." The trio then heard hissing from one of the tunnels.
"Should we pursue them?" Slacks asked.
"Fuck that." Loincloth said, immediately heading in the opposite direction, "Let the demons take care of it."
"What, ye scared of snakes or somethin'?" Flat Cap asked. Loincloth just continued walking, ignoring Flat Cap's words. "Oi, Loins!"
"He does seem to possess an aversion towards them." Slacks noted, "Can't say I blame him."
"Aye. Though it does gives me a few ideas fer 'Alloween." Flat Cap said with a snicker then followed Loincloth through the tunnel.
"Wait, are we seriously not going after the ghosts?" Slacks asked.
"No point 'til we find their leader and I'm not gonna spend all bloody day killing snakes if Loins ain't gonna do it despite the potential amount of 'eaven coins. So we'll wait until it becomes an issue fer us."
"That is incredibly irresponsible. Not to mention stupid."
"Says the lad who prefers bein' stupid."
"I…" Slacks sighed, "Fair point. By the way, do you have any more of those cigars?" With that, the temporarily awakened ape followed his fellow angels out of the sewer, allowing the serpents to regain their strength so that they may one day overrun the surface world.