The funeral service was dull, with few family members bothering to show up because the last year of Marluxia's father's life had been isolated and hateful. Marluxia had almost shed a tear at one point of the ceremony, but asides from that he had remained blank-faced and silent, trying not to think about what had happened between Vexen and himself earlier that day.
However, when they returned to the house, the Amelia's piercing scream filled the air and the twins found Vexen frozen body in the hallway, the happenings that had passed through Vexen and Marluxia earlier became extremely hard to ignore. With a lot of cursing and effort, the twins managed to get the frozen blond into the shower, which they flicked on to the almost top temperature.
Vexen didn't even begin to melt until an hour later.
So this is what it feels like to die and go to Hell he thought dimly. He couldn't move, couldn't think… was aware that he wasn't breathing and thus concluded that he must be dead.
Marluxia sat beside the shower with Amelia in his lap, glancing at Vexen from time to time. Thank God his ma had infinity heating for the hot water. He had no idea what to do, other than wait.
Unbidden, images of Marluxia and memories of their fight came to Vexen. A searing pain pierced his chest. Oh shit, I'm not dead, he thought, wanting to scream but unable to do so. I can't be dead. It's too painful for death. I want to die. Make it stop make it stop make it STOP! he screamed mentally, and as though through the sheer force of will, the ice shattered like glass, and he collapsed onto the shower floor, panting, gulping in all the oxygen he could and taking in some water as well.
Marluxia nearly jumped out of his skin when Vexen suddenly became reanimated. Amelia screamed again and buried her face in her father's chest. Marluxia simply watched the blond for a moment, not wanting to touch him. "A-are you okay?"
"NO I AM FUCKING WELL NOT OKAY!" Vexen screamed at the top of his lungs.
All Marluxia could really do at the outburst was, belatedly, cover his daughter's ears and stare at the blond.
"Marluxia…" Vexen gasped. "Kill me. Please. It would be a mercy."
"What….The hell are you talking about?" Marluxia managed, squeezing Amelia to his chest. "Don't talk like that, you're scaring Mia."
"Sorry little one," Vexen said, "but it would. You see, your father and I had a terrible fight earlier because I did something very stupid. I'm always doing stupid things, it seems, and it hurts him, and then it hurts me, and I don't want to hurt anymore, okay?"
The little girl stared up at him with her huge gray-blue eyes, but couldn't hear him. Marluxia still had his hands over her ears. "Stop being overdramatic, Vexen."
"Stop trivialising everything I feel just because it's inconvenient for you to acknowledge it," retorted Vexen.
"This is why we fight so much." Marluxia said as he scooped his daughter up into his arms and rose to his feet. "I'm putting Mia to bed, it's late for her. When you want to have a civilized conversation, come find me."
"Marluxia… I just want to know that my feelings are worth as much as yours," said Vexen. "I know what I did was wrong and I'm sorry. But I just came out of a depression-induced ice coma. Please have some pity."
"We'll talk about this once Mia is in bed, Vexen." Marluxia said quietly, and he left the room without another word. He felt so worn down.
Vexen got to his knees and turned off the shower, then collapsed again on the cold floor.
Marluxia flinched at the sound of Vexen hitting the floor, but continued down to Amelia's bedroom, where he carefully tucked the little girl in, kissed her and turned on her nightlight before leaving the room. He dreaded going back to the blond, today had already been rough. But he did anyways. "Get up." He said through the bathroom door. "We need to talk."
Vexen stood shakily, leaning against the wall for support.
Marluxia patiently sat on the edge of the bed, loosening his tie and shrugging off his suit jacket. He was exhausted.
"I'm up," said Vexen weakly. "Now what?"
"We talk. We don't yell, just talk. You obviously have things to say to me, so go nuts."
"You're a lot of fun, Marluxia, unpredictable among other things. You've turned my entire world back-asswards, upside-down, and inside-out. You're smart, you're beautiful, and I love you to death. But there's something about you… you're selfish, for one. I know I am too, but give me a break. I just barely stepped out of my own world, or rather, let someone else into it. Yes, I have pathetically low self-esteem, but that isn't entirely my fault either. My mother was always breaking me down and bending me to her will, and I… could never do anything about it. I met you and I learned that life doesn't always have to be a black hole of despair. 'When you just jump into things without thinking, they usually turn out fine.' Isn't that what you told me? So that's what I did last night. I acted on pure emotion and impulse, and look what happened." Vexen took a breath, preparing to say more, then found he had nothing else to say. He'd said it all, or else everything in his head sounded incredibly stupid.
Marluxia seemed to just sit quietly on the bed for a long moment. "My turn." He finally said. "Yes, I am selfish. From the moment I left my parents' house, or perhaps a little bit before that, I decided that I was my only obligation, asides from my daughter. Up until meeting you, I had decided to keep it that way, perhaps I have a little. But at the same time, I went out of my way to get to know you. I saw that you needed your world to be shaken up, so I did that. I didn't care that you were supposed to be just another client. I gave more of myself to you then I had to anyone else before that. I like you, I really do, but when I told you that when you jump into things, it usually turns out okay, I didn't mean sleep with someone behind the person you love's back. No matter what the circumstances. No matter what impulse or emotion overtook you at the time. Sometimes you have to have self-control."
"But every time in my life that I have exercised control over my emotions, I end up freezing the room!" Vexen said, frowning.
"Well…" Marluxia started, but what could he say? He had no piece of advice for that problem. "Huh. Fuck me, I can't help you with that."
"Marluxia?" said Vexen hesitantly. "I don't want to start another fight, but… the reason I did it… partly was out of spite and partly because… because I wanted to feel loved, and every time we've fought, he's m-made me feel more loved than you, even if he is a-a… degenerate." Vexen couldn't think of a better word. "Please don't go away again," he pleaded.
"I'm not the one who goes away every time we fight, Vexen." Marluxia pointed out. He lay back on the bed, stretching out. "If you had stuck around long enough for us to resolve the issue instead of running off… Well, maybe things would be different."
Vexen stumbled over to the bed and sat down at the edge. "Marluxia, you said you didn't love me. I wanted to feel loved. I… I know I must sound like a broken record, but I didn't know what else to do at the moment."
"You could have listened." Marluxia said. "I hadn't explained myself; I hadn't been given the chance."
"You have the chance now," Vexen pointed out, reaching out to smooth Marluxia's hair.
Marluxia sat up, gently pressing aside Vexen's hand. He looked at the blond, silent for a moment, his lips pursed. "I've never loved anything but myself in my entire life, asides from Mia, but even then… she's part of me, so." He said as frankly as he could manage.
"Well, I've never had a daughter and I never loved anyone else either," said Vexen, not quite comprehending what Marluxia was trying to say.
"I choose to love no one else, it's not because no one has ever come along. I am a guarded creature, despite everything that says otherwise." Marluxia said. "I'm not saying this to hurt, it's just the truth. I don't know how to love you."
"Then I don't see how what I did could possibly upset you," said Vexen. "If you don't love me, what does it matter one way or the other?"
"Because you're a mine." Marluxia said simply. "I may seem flimsy, but I think it is the closest thing I'm going to get to love for the time being. You are mine, out of everyone in the world I could have, I have chosen you, and I am loyal. You were not."
"Because I didn't see a reason to be loyal to someone who couldn't feel the same way about me that I do about them. Besides, how the hell can you expect me not to sleep with anyone else when clearly, you do?"
"My job is different. I have no emotional attachment to those men." Marluxia said, lying back down again. "We've been over this, you claimed to comprehend it. You're right, I don't feel the same way about you as you do me, but every time we fight or you fuck someone else, it's becoming less likely that I ever will."
"Are you giving me an ultimatum?"
"What do you mean?"
Vexen sighed and shook his head. "Never mind. It was a mistake to come. It was… probably a mistake to take that antidote at all."
"Yes, probably." Marluxia agreed. "But it's done now, and we have to deal with it. Or not."
Vexen lay on the bed next to Marluxia. "I don't want to deal with it," he said. "I don't want to deal with anything. I want to die."
"And I don't want to hear you say that again, ever." Marluxia said, staring hard at Vexen.
"But I do," said Vexen. "I don't want to live in a world where the one person I've ever loved can't love me back anyway but says he never will if I continue my personal therapy."
"I never said I would never love you back. I just don't love you yet." Marluxia said. He couldn't remember if he had or hadn't said that, actually, but still. "And your personal therapy is cheating, There's no two ways about it, Vexen. I have a right to be affected by it."
"I won't give up my personal therapy," said Vexen. "It wouldn't be fair. Emotional attachment or not, you still sleep with other men, do you not?"
"No for therapy. Not even because I particularly want to. It's just my job. I can't do anything else."
"It doesn't matter why. The fact remains that you do, and if you do, so do I."
"Then I guess we're just not going to work out." Marluxia said with a scowl, sitting up.
"There you go again with your hypocrisy and not giving a damn how anyone feels but yourself," said Vexen. "You should have just let me stay frozen. Why didn't you?"
"It's my job, Vexen! I have no other way of supporting myself! And you said you were fine with it." Marluxia tried to keep his voice down. It was hard. "And I unfroze because I am not that heartless! Despite everything, I have feelings for you, okay? I do. Just because I don't express them all the fucking time it doesn't mean they're not there!"
"I said I was okay with it because I didn't want to lose you. You said you liked it, Marluxia. Remember that? I was going to hire you as my personal assistant, but decided against it when you made it clear you wouldn't quit your job for any reason."
"Well I wouldn't be a very good hooker if I said otherwise, would I?" Marluxia snapped. "So what's changed? You don't care if you lose me now? If so, you know where the door is, Vexen, consider me lost."
"I still don't want to lose you," said Vexen quietly. "I just want to feel wanted, for once in my entire goddamn life."
"Wanted? Tell, how have I failed to make you feel wanted? You practically live with me, Vexen. I kiss you almost every time I see you— well, before all of this shit —, and just because I can't say 'I love you', that makes you feel unwanted?! That's pathetic!"
Vexen rolled onto his stomach and buried his face into the pillow, trying to stifle his tears. He was too broken to comprehend reason. He'd just been thawed out from cryogenising himself. He couldn't deal with this. He concentrated and formed an ice cocoon around himself. He just wanted the pain to go away.
"Fucking coward!" Marluxia hissed, climbing off the bed. He'd sleep in the car, since his bed was officially occupied, but he was over it. He would grab Al and Mia in the morning and leave.
That's what I mean. You always leave, Vexen thought but couldn't say. Was it so difficult for Marluxia just to hold him and tell him everything would be okay?
He reached out with his mind and spread a thin sheet of ice, freezing the door shut.
Marluxia cursed when he found the doorhandle frozen under his hand, and he kicked at the door in his rage. "That's not fair!" He spat back at Vexen, before turning and sitting, leaning his back against the door.
Neither are you, Vexen thought back. He relaxed into his little ice cocoon and let his mind drift. He could hear his cell phone ringing in his pants. Probably his mother again.
Marluxia sighed loudly, but didn't say anything. He would sleep where he sat if he had to, but he wasn't going to plead for Vexen to unfreeze the door and he wasn't going to join him on the bed.
The phone kept ringing, annoyingly. Vexen was calm enough by now that he could conceivably unfreeze himself and answer it. His mother had fucked with the programming the last time he'd seen her, so it couldn't be turned off without the password being entered.
Marluxia did his best not to pay attention to what Vexen was doing. He was stubborn, and not a terribly curious person. He just glared at a stain on the carpet and shuddered at the cold seeping through that back of his shirt.
As though sensing Marluxia's discomfort, Vexen warmed the overall temperature of the room but concentrated on keeping the door locked.
"I'm not going to thank you for that." Marluxia said quietly, his eyes still on the stain in the carpet. He could wait this out, piece of cake.
Ungrateful bastard, thought Vexen crankily, dropping the temperature again.
"How very mature." Marluxia said, and he stood up, yanking the bedcover out from underneath Vexen and wrapping it around himself. "But easily fixed."
The ice sculpture that was Vexen rolled onto the floor with a loud thud. With a bit of determination, he managed to roll himself in Marluxia's general direction and stopped when he was right next to the younger man. I will freeze that fucking blanket solid, he thought spitefully.
Marluxia frowned down at Vexen, then climbed up onto the bed and settled down. He had gotten what he had wanted out of this. Now he could sleep comfortably.
Stifle, Vexen commanded silently, willing the ice to enter his body. The outer shell dissolved, apparently returning Vexen to normal, and he managed to stumble onto the bed and wrap his arms tightly around Marluxia before freezing himself from the inside and falling unconscious. His dreams were vivid and painful, but he didn't want to wake up. It was better than living.
"Fucking jerk!" Marluxia yelled, although figured that Vexen was not listening. He squirmed in the grip, but it did nothing in the way of helping him. He sighed up at the ceiling, cursed Vexen some more, and then tried to sleep. So much for his comfortable sleep.
In the morning, Vexen was still frozen and still unconscious. He didn't ever want to wake up, even though he'd probably give himself an aneurysm with all the nightmares he'd been having.
Marluxia was quite certain he had a cold by morning. He was freezing and stiff and sore and really wanted to slap Vexen, but wasn't sure his hands would ever move again, let alone any other body part.
Vexen woke up sometime between midmorning and afternoon. He felt better having gotten to hold Marluxia as he'd wanted, but he didn't like that he'd had to force his way about it. He carefully unfroze his body but kept everything else the same— the room cold and the door frozen shut.
Marluxia slumped in Vexen's hold and curled around himself, trying desperately to warm himself. "Y-you bastard."
"You deserved it, you self-centered son of a bitch," said Vexen.
"You know that I'm like that, and I'm not changing it for you." Marluxia retorted through chattering teeth, he sat up, glaring down at Vexen. "If I get sick, I'll fucking kill you."
"Don't be ridiculous. You don't get sick merely from cold temperatures. There has to be a virus in the air."
"Oh, shut the fuck up." Marluxia spat, and he finally got to slap Vexen. "Y-you're so irritating!"
Vexen slapped Marluxia back. "You need to learn to care about how other people feel instead of just focusing on your own wants," he snapped.
"Why?" Marluxia hissed. "Why the fuck should I care about others? You're just as self-centered as I am!"
"But at least I acknowledged your feelings," Vexen pointed out. "You didn't even do me that courtesy. I told you I wanted you to see that my feelings were worth just as much as yours, do you remember that? You didn't say a goddamn thing!"
"No, actually, I don't remember." Marluxia said frankly. "So tell me, Vexen, what do you want me to acknowledge so badly?"
"I just fucking told you!" snapped Vexen, hitting Marluxia again.
"If you hit me one mor time, I swear to God, Vexen, I'll beat you senseless." Marluxia growled, rubbing his smarting cheek.
"See, that's what I mean. Everything always has to be about you. All I wanted from you last night was for you to at least acknowledge that I felt something, and that my feeling something was as important as you feeling something. That and a hug," he added. "I tried to freeze myself to death. Twice. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
"Of course it does!" Marluxia snarled. "Or I would've let you die and not thought twice about it!"
"You have a funny way of showing it," said Vexen. "Hold me."
Marluxia stared at Vexen for a moment, stock-still, then he lunged at him, pressing a furious, rough kiss to his lips. "Gods, you irritate me."
Vexen kissed back passionately. "You infuriate me," he said, relaxing.
"I would kill you right now if I didn't want you so much." Marluxia growled, pushing Vexen down onto the bed as he moved down to the blond's neck, sucking and biting at the fragile skin.
Vexen moaned and locked his legs instinctively behind Marluxia's waste. "I could freeze your lungs in an instant," he whispered.
"Oh, but you wouldn't." Marluxia laughed, trailing his hands down Vexen's sides and forcing his hips up off the bed.
Vexen gave in to Marluxia's will. "No… I wouldn't," he said.
"I'd tie you up and toss you in the closet with Xigbar instead."
Marluxia bit down hard on Vexen's neck. "Don't even joke about that." He growled.
Vexen moaned and bucked into Marluxia. "Does it bother you?" he asked mockingly.
"Jesus Christ, do you want me to fuck you or not?" Marluxia almost sighed, his hands shoving at Vexen's pants. "Shut the hell up."
"I said hug me, not fuck me," said Vexen, smiling, "but I must say, I wouldn't mind that either."
"I don't do hugs." Marluxia said flatly, letting his hands roam over Vexen's rear, fingers brushing over the blond's entrance with a surprising gentleness, considering Marluxia's current mood.
"But you're so cute and cuddly," snarked Vexen, kissing Marluxia's lips.
Marluxia bit Vexen's lip in return and threw away his policy of being gentle. He pressed two fingers into Vexen, grinning a little at the imagined pain it would cause. Vexen cried out in pain, savoring it. Marluxia grinned further, pressing in a third finger without delay and started stretching Vexen out. Vexen cried out again, moaning loudly.