19. i'm about to change your life
Despite Qing Er's predictions, the gates of He Hui Fu remained closed for the next few months.
Then, one early morning, just after Qian Long and Ling Fei managed to get dressed and exit the bedroom, they ran into Xiao Lu Zi who was clearly waiting for them.
"Huang Shang, Ling Fei Niang Niang, the guards at He Hui Fu came early this morning with a report," he said.
"What is it?"
"They say that Hu Taiyi reports that Wu Ge Ge has gone into labour since early yesterday evening, and it is still not over. It seems…it seems…"
"It seems what?" Qian Long demanded, only just resisting the urge to grab his servant and shake the information out of him.
"It seems like it may be a difficult birth, and Hu Taiyi is not sure…"
"What nonsense!" Qian Long shouted, cutting Xiao Lu Zi off. "Tell Hu Ming Fang, if he cannot preserve both mother and child, he should bring his head on a plate to see me!"
"Huang Shang," Ling Fei said anxiously, "surely this is not the time to threaten the physicians. Huang Shang, you must go see He Qi yourself. It will be a comfort for her to just know that you are there and are concerned about her."
Qian Long froze at the suggestion, hesitating.
"Huang Shang!" Ling Fei begged. "Don't let your pride make you regret in the years to come!"
Xiao Hu didn't know how he still had the patience to remain outside, feeling completely useless, listening to He Qi's cries of distress. He had tried to force his way into the birth chamber the night before as soon as it started, but the combined strengths of five maids and midwives were surprisingly strong. He had not been able to set a foot in the birth chamber, and thus had spent a restless, sleepless night listening to his wife's cries of pain, feeling like each wave was a slash of the knife, cutting deep into his flesh.
He was thankful that both Xiao Jian and Zi Wei, who, being unmarried was also barred from the birthing room, had also patiently remained by his side, even though both of them gave up on trying to get him to sit down and stop pacing around hours earlier.
Suddenly, there was a commotion in the courtyard, followed by a hasty announcement of "Huang Shang arrives, Ling Fei Niang Niang arrives!"
Xiao Hu, Zi Wei and Xiao Jian's heads all whipped towards to door to watch the emperor hurrying into the room, Ling Fei following behind him.
"How is she?" Qian Long demanded as he entered the room.
For a moment, Xiao Hu and Zi Wei could only stare at him, shocked at his sudden appearance, and unsure how they should act, considering the last time they were face to face, he had ordered their beheading.
Xiao Jian, meanwhile, was trying to control his breathing and reminding himself that Xiao Hu needed him to be the rational one right now. He could not let his emotions and resentment for Qian Long get the better of him.
"Huang Ah Ma…jixiang…" Xiao Hu managed to say, bowing.
Beside him, Zi Wei remained stubbornly straight-backed.
"They have not really said anything to us about what's going on in there," Xiao Hu said slowly when all the emperor did, after waving for him to rise, was to look expectantly at him. "They just said, the first birth should be expected to take some time…but it has been going on since early last evening…"
"Huang Shang, I will go in and check on He Qi," Ling Fei said, placing a hand on the emperor's arm. "He Qi is young, and we must all believe that all will end well."
With that, Ling Fei hurried into the inner chamber, leaving a very uncomfortable silence to descend on the four people left in the waiting room.
The silence stretched on, until Zi Wei finally remembered that she had not yet made any acknowledgement of the emperor's presence.
She curtsied and said, in a tightly controlled voice, "Huang Shang jixiang."
Qian Long turned to look at her, shock and hurt in his eyes. "What did you call me?"
"Huang Shang," Zi Wei whispered, curtsying again.
Qian Long stared at her for a long moment. "You don't want to acknowledge Huang Ah Ma anymore?"
Zi Wei took a visible deep breath before saying, her voice shaking, "It is Huang Shang who does not acknowledge me anymore. You said, you did not care where I went, but if I did not return to the palace, I should never see you again. I have not returned to the palace, so I cannot expect…"
She trailed off, apparently her emotions getting the better of her now, as she turned away to hide her tears.
"You are angry at me because I hurt you," Qian Long said, pain in his voice, "but do you not remember how you hurt me too?"
Zi Wei pressed her lips together and did not reply. Xiao Hu wished to say something to lighten the situation, but he was too worried for He Qi to think of what to do.
"Your actions made me so angry at you, and everything that I said and did were only the result of that anger," Qian Long said when Zi Wei still remained silent. "But when I did not object to your staying here with your sister, surely you understand that I no longer meant what I said?"
"How can Zi Wei dare to assume what Huang Shang means?" she asked, looking towards the ground and refusing to meet his eyes. "One word from you can determine what is truth and what is lies. Zi Wei dares not be so presumptuous."
Qian Long sighed heavily, but before any of them could say anything else, a new cry rang out, cutting through the cries of pain that was periodically drifting out from the bedroom. This new cry was much higher, clear as a bell, and unrelenting.
Xiao Hu rushed towards the door of the bedroom, his mouth feeling impossibly dry as he stared at the door, as if somehow by staring he could will it open. Zi Wei, forgetting her anger at Qian Long for a moment, also came over and grabbed a fistful of Xiao Hu's sleeves in anxious anticipation.
It seemed like centuries later when Ling Fei finally exited the room.
"Xiao Hu, congratulations," she said, smiling widely. "It's a boy! You have a son!"
"I – a son?" Xiao Hu stammered incoherently. Then, he impulsively grabbed Ling Fei's hand. "And He Qi? How is she? Is she – "
"She is well. Both mother and child are well. He Qi is very tired, and she might sleep for a while, but she should recover."
"Can I see them?" Xiao Hu begged.
"Give everyone some time to clean them both up," Ling Fei said soothingly. Then, pulling Xiao Hu towards where Qian Long, Zi Wei and Xiao Jian were still waiting, she added, "Come, we should celebrate."
Of course, the awkward tension palpable in the room did not exactly scream celebration, even with the good news they all just received. Qian Long only received Ling Fei's congratulations with a bittersweet smile towards Zi Wei, while Zi Wei turned to give Xiao Hu a wan smile. He returned her smile with a crooked smile of his own, knowing that while she must be glad for him, her heart was likely too muddled by Huang Ah Ma's presence to be effusive. His own brother, too, was too tense with the emperor's presence to do more than clap him on the shoulder.
"I should give the child a name," Qian Long said, some time later.
The baby had been bathed, and was finally brought out to meet Xiao Hu and everyone else. With the baby in the room, the tension melted somewhat as they all focused on admiring the young lad. Still, when Zi Wei quietly expressed that she would check in on He Qi, Xiao Hu, despite his own anxiousness to see his wife, allowed her to go alone. Zi Wei was probably looking for an excuse to escape the room. Xiao Hu should therefore stay and keep the emperor occupied.
Taking the cue from Zi Wei, Xiao Jian also made excuses and withdrew to his room, after giving Xiao Hu sincere words of congratulations, and the emperor a restrained bowed, barely passing for obeisance. It was probably a good thing that the emperor was then distracted by the baby in his arms.
"Huang Ah Ma, He Qi and I already have a name in mind for the baby," Xiao Hu said in response to the emperor's comment.
Qian Long frowned at his son-in-law, feeling put out, because he really had rather been looking forward to naming this grandchild. He often named his sons' children, but with his third daughter married to a Mongolian prince, and his fourth daughter's husband a military general based at the borders, he had been simply too far away to name any of the children born to his daughters thus far. Now, He Qi's child was born right here in the capital, and yet the child's parents would not even entertain the idea of the emperor naming him? This was usually an honour that many begged for!
"You two have named him already? This is your firstborn. Didn't you know that you should have waited until I bestow that favour on you?"
"Well, we do hope you will still approve of the name," Xiao Hu said, shrugging nonchalantly. To himself, Xiao Hu had to admit he was a little apprehensive, considering the tension between Huang Ah Ma and Zi Wei, how this name would be received. Still, he couldn't very well say that neither he nor He Qi previously felt confident enough that he would even acknowledge this grandson, let alone wish to name him.
"What is it, then?" the emperor asked impatiently. When Xiao Hu told him, he looked thoughtful for a moment, before huffing in an attempt to hide his rising emotions. "Well, I suppose I can hardly veto that name. I cannot have you and He Qi accuse me of not wanting to promote sisterly affection."
"Huang Shang, let us allow the nurse to feed the little young master," Ling Fei said, stepping into the room. "Then I think you and I must go back to the palace. Everyone here has been up for hours, and they will not feel they are able to rest if we remain."
Qian Long handed the baby over to the nursemaid, and Xiao Hu was a little reluctant to see him go. He was not, however, entirely reluctant to see the emperor and Ling Fei prepare to leave. While the emperor's presence here was a positive development overall, the entire encounter had just been plainly awkward and uncomfortable, and he just wanted to be able to go see how He Qi was doing.
He was thankful that Qian Long agreed to Ling Fei's plan, though to an obvious regretful sigh thrown in the direction of the bedroom. Xiao Hu wondered whether he was regretting not seeing He Qi, or Zi Wei's coldness more. Still, Xiao Hu made no comment on either princess, and simply bowed and waited until the emperor and his consort had disappeared. Then, turning immediately on his heels, he rushed into the bedroom.
"Huang Ah Ma and Ling Fei Niang Niang have returned to the palace," he said quietly to Zi Wei, who was sitting at the edge of He Qi's bed. Zi Wei heaved a sigh of relief.
He Qi was asleep, her pale, exhausted skin contrasting against the colourful embroidered headband that was tied across her forehead to keep out the cold.
"The midwives said she is okay," Zi Wei said, standing up to allow Xiao Hu to take her place. Then, pulling a stool for herself, she sat down next to the bed. "She's just tired."
Xiao Hu nodded, and reached down to stroke He Qi's cheek softly.
Then, hesitantly, he looked up at Zi Wei. "Huang Ah Ma…"
"It's not going to be better all at once, Xiao Hu," Zi Wei said, cutting him off before he could say any empty placation.
"He did seem like he wanted to reconcile with you," Xiao Hu pointed out. "He was pleased to meet the baby."
"Perhaps that is what he wants," Zi Wei said wearily. "But I…maybe I just need more time. Anyway, this first meeting was always meant to be stressful…perhaps I just needed it to be over, before I can feel anything else…"
He nodded, and for the next long while, the two of them just sat with He Qi, each lost in their own thoughts, without speaking any more of the emperor.
Xiao Hu was still sitting, half asleep with his head resting against the bedframe, when He Qi blinked awake.
"Ge Ge, you've awakened!" Xiao Shun said softly in relief, which woke Xiao Hu as well.
"How are you feeling?" he asked once he had shaken the sleep away. He took her hand in between both of his and squeezed it warmly.
"Hmmm…everything still sort of hurts," she admitted, shifting uncomfortably.
"You've suffered so much," Xiao Hu said, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "I do not deserve you."
He Qi smiled softly at him, looking contented. Then, she asked, "Where's the baby?"
Xiao Hu rose and went to the cradle by the bed, and gingerly picked up the bundle within. More carefully than he had ever done anything in his life, he slowly placed the bundle down next to He Qi and pushed some of the blanket away so that she could turn to look at the baby.
"Look," he said, "look at our son."
He Qi smiled softly at the baby, reaching out to tentatively touch his soft cheek. For a long moment, the two of them just quietly gazed at this new wonder that they had created.
"I can't believe he's here," He Qi finally said, tears leaking from the corner of her eyes. "He's so worth everything we had to go through…"
"Yes, he's so perfect, I feel like I'm falling apart every time I look at him," Xiao Hu whispered. "And you were brilliant, I am so thankful."
He Qi could only smile when Xiao Hu took her hand and kissed the back of it lovingly.
"Have you told her?" He Qi asked Xiao Hu when, a few moments later, Zi Wei walked into the room with a bowl of porridge.
"Tell me what?" Zi Wei asked, placing the bowl on the bedside table.
He Qi turned her head to smile at the child and then looked up at her sister. "His name."
"I wanted to wait until you were awake to tell her with me," Xiao Hu said, grinning.
He gestured for Zi Wei to take the baby, then he went to the head of the bed so that he could pile up the cushions and pillows before helping He Qi sit up and lean against the soft nest.
Zi Wei sat on the edge of the bed with the baby in her arms and looked curiously at He Qi. Her sister smiled, and said, "Zi Wei, meet Young Master Fang Xia."
Zi Wei's eyes widened at the name and she looked down at the baby in wonder. "Fang Xia?"
He Qi nodded. "You know that before we met Xiao Jian and learned about Xiao Hu's family, we were planning to use the surname Xia. But now…I think Fang Xia has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"
"We thought, from the beginning, that it would work for a boy or a girl," Xiao Hu said, looking down softly at his sleeping son.
Zi Wei looked at the two of them, tears glistening in her eyes. "You've been planning to call him Fang Xia all this time? For me?"
"Well, you're the entire reason we ever met each other in the first place," Xiao Hu said. "It is only proper that we honour you, right?"
Zi Wei smiled widely and brushed away the tears on her cheek. Then, tentatively reaching out to stroke her nephew's delicate cheek, she whispered, "Xia Er, hello."
Now that the baby was born, it seemed as if the house-arrest order at He Hui Fu was no longer in effect. At least, it could not stop Lao Fo Ye from coming to see He Qi, and even Qian Long could not find a reason to continue with the restrictions of people in and out of the manor, not when he himself was not abiding by those restrictions at all. The fact that numerous gifts from the palace arrived the next day not only for He Qi, but also Zi Wei ostensibly to reward her in taking good care of He Qi, seemed to confirm this fact.
While Zi Wei received these gifts with a carefully neutral expression on her face, but she steadfastly remained silent when Li Yu passed on a message from Ling Fei enquiring when she would return to the palace, so that arrangements could be made at Jing Yang Gong.
"Of course I am happy for you to remain here as long as you like," He Qi told her after all the servants from the palace had left. "But do you really intend to not go back?"
"I don't know," Zi Wei admitted, letting out the shaky breath that she had been holding all this time. She sat down next on the bed next to where He Qi was sitting, propped up by many pillows. "But Huang Ah Ma seems to think that just because he considers the matter over that it is really over. Does he think it is so easy for all of us to just go back to the way things were before, as if nothing had happened?"
"I think, Huang Ah Ma is so used to everything going as he wishes, that he probably assumes if you pretend that nothing has changed, then eventually it will be true. I know you cannot just ignore everything that has happened." He Qi reached over to take her sister's hand between her own and gave it a comforting squeeze. "But Zi Wei, what do you expect Huang Ah Ma to do for you to forgive him?"
"I don't expect anything anymore," Zi Wei answered, her voice heavy with sadness. She turned slightly away to brush off the tears that were already leaking from the corner of her eyes. "I once had all these hopes and dreams and expectations about what finding my father would be like, what he would be like. For a while, maybe those hopes and dreams seemed real. Now…I cannot trust him enough to place so much hopes on him anymore, not when he had shown that he does not trust me or my mother at all."
"Huang Ah Ma was wrong to doubt your mother," He Qi said softly. "Maybe by assuming you would just go back to the palace, he is trying to avoid confronting what his doubts has done to your relationship. But Zi Wei, if you also avoid the issue with him, and avoid him, nothing will get resolved either."
Zi Wei pursed her lips together once before saying, "He is the emperor. He does not wish to face the issue, am I able to force him?"
"Xiao Hu told me that you avoided being in the same room with him when he came the other day," He Qi said, deciding not to point attention to how much anger was laced in Zi Wei's voice. "Perhaps he does wish to speak with you and make amends, you just didn't give him the chance."
"If he does so wish to make amends, wouldn't he do more than just send a message through his servants demanding when I will return to the palace?" Zi Wei argued. "By doing that, hasn't he made it clear that his word is rule, and my feelings on the matter don't matter at all?"
He Qi sighed. While she knew that Zi Wei was being purposefully stubborn as result of the hurt she had been holding on to all these past few months, it was hard to deny that there was some sense in her words as well. Putting aside the fact that they had hurt Huang Ah Ma first with helping Han Xiang run away, the root of hurt regarding his doubts of Zi Wei's mother lay with him, and it was unfair to expect Zi Wei to take the first step in reconciliation.
He Qi wondered how her father would react once he has been told that Zi Wei, for the time being, at least, did not intend to return to the palace, thus take the initiative to open the door to their reconciliation. Would he have enough lingering affection for Zi Wei to recognise that he needed to take that first step himself, or would his pride be too great and this would tear father and daughter apart altogether? He Qi had to hope for the former. Zi Wei deserved better than to lose her father in such a manner, after she had spent so many years desperately longing for him. No matter how bitter Zi Wei's current anger was, He Qi knew that if all became lost between her and Huang Ah Ma, Zi Wei would be heartbroken nonetheless.
Two days later, Qing Er accompanied Lao Fo Ye and the emperor to He Hui Fu to visit He Qi. After briefly seeing He Qi to congratulate her, Qing Er excused herself to allow Lao Fo Ye and the emperor to stay and talk to He Qi and Xiao Hu by themselves.
She wandered into the gardens, and eventually found herself coming upon Xiao Jian practicing his sword moves in a secluded corner of the garden.
"Qing Ge Ge," Xiao Jian exclaimed, startling at the sight of her.
"Xiao Da Ye," Qing Er said, turning her face slightly away as he quickly sheathed his sword and then dabbed at the perspiration on his forehead with the edge of his sleeve.
"I dare not receive this title of da ye with you. Please, I am Xiao Jian."
"Xiao Jian," Qing Er said, smiling as she turned back to face him. More to distract herself from the odd feelings she was experiencing at the sight of him glowing from his earlier exertion, she added, "I should congratulate you, I think."
"Thank you, but Wu Ge Ge did all the work. And I happy for my brother, even though it does feel quite strange."
Qing Er was glad that he was stepping to a path leading to a more open area of the garden. She had not been trying to seek him out, but now that they had met unexpectedly like this, it would not do for them to linger together in such an out of the way, secluded corner.
"I suppose it could be rather strange that your younger brother is having these experience of building a family before you," Qing Er commented. Immediately as the words left her mouth, she almost felt embarrassed, and wondered if he would think she was mocking him or making some inappropriate hint.
"It is not that, exactly," he replied. "At least, I never thought that these types of life experiences were some sort of contest and that I must achieve all milestones before my brother."
Qing Er was thankful that there was a mildness to his tone that indicated that he was not offended by her words, which had been far too frank for such a fleeting acquaintance as theirs.
"What I meant was," Xiao Jian continued, "though I have wandered the country looking for my brother, I don't think I ever formed any concrete expectation about what he would be like, if I did find him. I would not have imagined him to be like Xiao Hu, though that is surely a failure of imagination. I certainly didn't expect him to be married, and to someone like Wu Ge Ge. And now, he is a father. I have just known him and I have seen him through so many life changes. It has been a strange experience, because I admit I was not prepared for how much adapting to his life I would have to do upon reuniting with him." Then, as if he only just realised how personal and too honest his answer was to her probably only-polite comment, he hastily added, "Forgive me, I forget myself. I should not burden Ge Ge with these thoughts."
"It is no burden," Qing Er replied, smiling almost unconsciously at him. "To be honest, I don't think you are the only person taken by surprise at how many changes and challenges to the status quo Xiao Hu creates just by being himself. The palace has become a different place since he arrived, and certainly both Huang Shang and He Qi different people, too. Even Lao Fo Ye, to a certain extent, even if she would be reluctant to admit it. As his brother, I suppose the changes you experience must be that much more personal."
Xiao Jian looked at her, surprised that she had intuited this, even though she could not know just how much self-reflection and challenging of his personal beliefs Xiao Jian had had to do since meeting Xiao Hu.
"You are right. Though I must stress, of course, that these changes are not at all bad," Xiao Jian said, and was almost surprised to find that he meant it. "Despite the challenges of these past few months, Xiao Hu and I have enjoyed being able to spend time together and get to know each other better. I admit, this life is not what I ever imagined for him, but these last few months had showed me that he is nevertheless happy with it. After all the hardships he had endured for most of his life, I think that happiness is even more precious now, and should be protected all the more."
Lao Fo Ye wished to speak to He Qi alone, and so Xiao Hu found himself accompanying the emperor out into the garden.
"Where is Zi Wei?" Qian Long asked.
"She…she is in her room," Xiao Hu said hesitantly, unsure of the emperor's exact purpose in asking after Zi Wei. "She had been helping taking care of He Qi in the last few days, so she is tired, I suppose."
Qian Long scoffed, clearly not buying this excuse. "How long does she intend to carry on like this? I have already said she can go back to Jing Yang Gong and will no longer be restricted. Does she intend to just ignore that? What arrogance is this?"
"Zi Wei just wants to care for He Qi for a little longer," Xiao Hu said, though he knew that his words sounded flimsy even to his own ears. "Huang Ah Ma, I'm sure she will return to the palace when she is sure He Qi has fully recovered."
Even as he said this, Xiao Hu knew it would take either more time or much more effort from Huang Ah Ma for Zi Wei to consider returning to the palace. Still, he couldn't blame Zi Wei for continuing to be angry at Huang Ah Ma. Xiao Hu had been angry, too, that Huang Ah Ma had so callously ordered their deaths and believed Zi Wei's relatives' lies, but he had the comfort of He Qi, getting to know Xiao Jian and looking forward to Xia Er to distract him these past few months. While being at He Hui Fu with Xiao Hu and He Qi had undoubtedly been better for Zi Wei than being locked up alone in Jing Yang Gong, she nevertheless had nothing but Huang Ah Ma's doubts to think about. No amount of well-meaning advice from either He Qi or Xiao Hu could really hasten her into forgiving Huang Ah Ma before she was ready. Huang Ah Ma was sorely mistaken if he thought it was only a matter of him forgiving them.
"Do you lack servants here that she would need to stay to take care of He Qi?" the emperor demanded angrily, clearly still too caught up in his own hurt and bruised pride at Zi Wei's continued rejection to truly consider her point of view. "Do you all think that I do not know what she is doing? I have already forgiven you all for your deception and betrayal, and yet she still insists on being so ungrateful? You can tell her, my words now are as they were before, if she doesn't wish to come back to the palace, she might as well just never come back. If she insists on so blatantly ignoring this grace I'm bestowing on her, then she might as well be dead to me."
Before Xiao Hu could say anything in reply, they turned a corner in the garden to find themselves face to face with Qing Er and Xiao Jian. The stress that Xiao Hu was feeling in the face of Qian Long's anger at Zi Wei instantly multiplied as he looked furtively between his brother and his father-in-law. He could only hope that the emperor was distracted enough by thoughts of Zi Wei to not note the stiffness of Xiao Jian's greeting.
"I met Xiao Da Ye while walking in the garden, and have been extending my congratulations on the birth of the baby to him as well," Qing Er was saying in response to the emperor's questioning look at her walking companion.
"Qing Ge Ge is too kind. All words of congratulations and praise should go to Wu Ge Ge, of course," Xiao Jian said. "If you would all excuse me, Qing Ge Ge came upon me as I was practicing my sword. I am not dressed for company and should go change."
Before anyone could say anything, Xiao Jian had walked rapidly away and soon disappeared, much to Xiao Hu's relief. While he at least had thoughts of He Qi and lingering affection for Huang Ah Ma to comfort him, coming face to face with the emperor was still emotionally challenging for Xiao Jian, and Xiao Hu would rather limit interactions between them as much as possible.
"Huang Shang, Qing Er could not help but overhear just now that you are displeased with Zi Wei."
Xiao Hu was thankful that Qing Er was taking it upon herself to speak of this, partly because it distracted the emperor from looking at the direction where Xiao Jian had gone in a very particular manner, partly because he was sure whatever advice Qing Er could give would be much better than anything he could say himself.
Qian Long turned to look at Qing Er, and only let out an irritated huff.
"Huang Shang, Zi Wei has narrowly escaped a beheading, and endured having her entire existence being questioned. These past few months, Huang Shang was merciful enough in simply keeping her under house arrest with the luxuries of a princess's manor. But Huang Shang, from what I hear, ever since entering the palace, Zi Wei was met with constant threats and dangers. Even though she had Huang Shang's support before, all the times her life was in danger must take their toll. Having gone through it all, and then coming so close to losing her life, it is only natural that she can now only look at life in the palace with fear and suspicion. Rather than being angry at Zi Wei for her hesitation, wouldn't it be better if you try to understand why she is so reluctant?"
Xiao Hu shot Qing Er a grateful look as they waited for a reaction from Qian Long, who only eventually sighed heavily, though Xiao Hu was also tentatively glad to note that his expression also turned more thoughtful at Qing Er's words.
When the emperor did not speak, Qing Er continued patiently, "Huang Shang, clothes if torn can be mended. Houses if knocked down can be rebuilt. Furnitures if broken can be repaired. But a person's heart, once broken and hurt, can be so hard to heal. Huang Shang is not the only person who knows the pain of a broken heart; Zi Wei feels it too. A broken heart can only be repaired with sincerity and compassion. Huang Shang, blaming Zi Wei for her hurt is only going to push her away. Why don't you think of a way that can cure her broken heart? Once that is achieved, she will return willingly to your side, which can only be a much happier outcome than if she simply forces herself to return while still feeling anger and hurt."
Qian Long stared at Qing Er for a long moment, before nodding curtly. Still without speaking to either Qing Er or Xiao Hu again, he turned and walked quietly away, clearly deep in thoughts. Xiao Hu decided not to follow him.
"Thank you," he said to Qing Er once the emperor was out of ear shot. "Not that I would have been able to say to Huang Ah Ma what you did, but I don't think he would have listened to me. Or He Qi, for that matter."
"You need not thank me," Qing Er said. "It would be good for everyone if Huang Shang and Zi Wei can find their way past this. I just hope what I said will be enough to encourage Huang Shang to approach Zi Wei with less anger. Do you think she would be more open to reconciliation if he did?"
"I don't know, to be honest. The thing is, it is difficult to make Zi Wei angry, but once she does get upset, it can often be hard for her to move past her own emotions as well. I know He Qi has been saying to her the same kind of things you said to Huang Ah Ma just now."
"I suppose that is a good thing," Qing Er said "They have both been left to simmer in their hurt and anger for so long, so this reconciliation is always going to be hard. Hopefully with both of them receiving a bit of a push, they will allow themselves to start looking beyond that anger."
Xiao Hu nodded.
"I'm surprised that you so easily forgave Huang Shang to be honest," Qing Er said.
Xiao Hu found himself looking at her in surprise, as he suddenly realised that her words were true. Somehow, Xiao Hu's own anger at Huang Ah Ma had completely vanished, without the need for any words of reconciliation. It wasn't as if his own hurt and anger towards Huang Ah Ma had been less than what Zi Wei felt. No, if anything, the hurt he felt towards Huang Ah Ma for so easily ordering his and Zi Wei's deaths, and for the fact that he doubted Zi Wei and her mother, had been compounded with the still lingering resentment that Xiao Hu's entire family had also perished under the same emperor's orders. So how was it that, now, without having made any conscious effort to put that anger and hurt aside, he suddenly ceased to feel such weighty emotions that had pushed down on his heart for so many months?
But then, "The truth is, I'm not sure I have it in me to feel angry about anything or at anyone right now," he said.
Qing Er smiled at his words. "Yes, I suppose there is that."
"And to be honest, I'm also feeling kind of guilty that I have Xia Er to be happy about, while Zi Wei's spirits still remain so low. Right now, I want to fix that more than I want to keep on being angry at Huang Ah Ma."
"Well, in that case, let us hope that my words resonate at least a little with Huang Shang," Qing Er said, "and that will be enough for him to take the first step in making amends with Zi Wei."
"Do you think Father and Mother would be pleased?" Xiao Hu asked later that evening.
"That your son has been born safely?" Xiao Jian said. "Of course they would be pleased. Why would you doubt it?"
Xiao Hu answered in a faltering voice, "I just realised earlier that in the last couple of days, I am so happy to have He Qi and Xia Er, that I'm no longer angry at Huang Ah Ma, not just for everything that happened recently, but for what happened to our family as well. But at the same time, I feel guilty for not being angry…"
He stuttered to a stop, and fidgeted restlessly before forcing himself to start again.
"I mean, of course I would not trade He Qi and Xia Er for the world, but sometimes I do wonder, if in choosing to be her husband, I have failed our parents instead."
Xiao Jian gave him a sympathetic clap on the shoulder, but then spent so long thinking about his answer that he nevertheless made Xiao Hu feel very disconcerted.
"Please say something!"
"You know, when I left Dali, I had two goals in mind," Xiao Jian finally answered. "The first was to find you and the second was to seek revenge for our parents. Or, at least, that was what I thought were my duties, now that I was going out into the world. The thing is, during all the time that I spent traveling the distance from Dali to Beijing, I don't think I ever really thought about how exactly I would go about doing either of those things. Fate somehow led me to find you, but in finding you, it also put a stop to all chances of fulfilling my second goal. I admit, there was a time when I couldn't help but feel resentful of that. But these few months locked up in here with you all gave me the chance to stop and think about things I never considered before."
"Like what?" Xiao Hu prompted, when Xiao Jian paused, and again was quiet for a long moment.
"Our mother put in so much effort to make sure that we both make it out of Hangzhou alive, and have a chance to live a happy life with people who would care for us. Surely that is enough to prove that she would not wish for us to blindly throw ourselves into seeking revenge, which at best is an enormous emotional weight, one that I myself have lived with for long enough to know how unpleasant it can be. At worst, such endeavour would end in our deaths. The truth is, I have never wanted to put either burdens on you. That was partly the reason why I didn't want to tell you the whole truth about how our parents died in the first place. I really would have hidden that terrible truth from you forever if I could."
"But you – you did want revenge," Xiao Hu stammered. "Can you really just let go of all thoughts of it so easily?"
"Not easily, no," Xiao Jian admitted. "But as I said, these past few months have given me time to think. The truth is, I grew up surrounded by the love of my adopted parents. So when my adoptive father told me about what happened in Hangzhou all those years ago, I thought the only way I could honour our birth parents was to seek vengeance for their deaths."
Xiao Jian turned and looked at Xiao Hu, who suddenly found himself faced with all the conflicts that his brother must have surely carried these past few months that he had hidden from Xiao Hu. And yet, beyond that, there was something else, too. A realisation. A determination.
"Xiao Hu, you did not grow up like me. You never had the secure home and family, the happy childhood that our mother had planned for you, even in her death. All the difficulties you had to endure growing up would already be enough to make our parents' hearts break. Yet, despite all that you have suffered, for all that you were left without a family, none of that stopped you from building one for yourself, with Liu Qing and Liu Hong, then with Zi Wei, the Fu family, and He Qi. Now, Xia Er is an addition to that family. Surely, honouring our parents cannot come at the expense of this family and happiness that you have found. I would be a horrible brother to you if I still stubbornly insist on pulling you into a pursuit of vengeance that could only end in the destruction of all the promises you made to those who love and care about you, especially your wedded wife."
Some enormous weight seemed to be pressing against Xiao Hu's chest, making him feel breathless. Still, he did not dare to simply just draw conclusions from Xiao Jian's words, and found himself pressing for clarification. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, from the moment we met, and I found out who you have married, my plans for revenge were no longer feasible. Even if you were not married to his daughter, to kill the emperor was always a far-fetched plan. Now, even if we could succeed, it would only make you miserable, which cannot be what our parents ever wanted for you, for us. So you must not feel guilty if you have managed to forgive the emperor. Since you have found yourself with this life, you should live it as well as possible, and letting go of any anger and grudges can only help with that endeavour. The most important thing is that you are happy with the life that you have."
Xiao Hu didn't realise he had been holding his breath as Xiao Jian was saying all this, until the breath left him in a dizzying rush. Relief flooded his body, warming him to the tips of his fingers and toes as he managed to say earnestly, "I am! I cannot be more happy, Brother!"
"In that case, I cannot ask for anything more."
A/N: Naming children after other people is not really a thing in this era in China, but I really just want Xiao Hu and He Qi to basically name their kid after Zi Wei, so here we are. This of course also means that when Zi Wei names her first born son Dong Er as in canon, I'm assuming it's Dong as in winter and not as in east as was originally intended.